What qualifies a marriage as successful?

[dweebette]

I'm wondering what opinion others have on what makes a relationship or marriage a successful one. I'm general, I think, we have this idea that it is when a couple gets married and are together until death actually parts them. But what if that relationship wasn't exactly a happy one and had issues?

 

One example is my parents, who have been married for about 28 years. During that time, they have battled alcoholism, unemployment, and, what I would consider, emotional abuse. Those issues have been addressed through rehab and counciling, and are now a solid couple, however, while when things were bad, I remember thinking that they should just separate for everyone's sake.

 

Another example is of my friends great grandparents that have been married for around 60 years. They had something like 5 kids, 12 grandkids, and 3 great grandkids. The local newspaper even came out and did a story on them. As far as I know, they are happy together, but my friend told me that her great grandmother had two affairs early in the marriage. Has that been a successful marriage or not?

 

So is it overcoming the troubles together or getting out when things get bad that is the key to healthy relationships?

[carhill]

I recall asking my mom that question about a decade after my dad died and we were traveling and the topic of marriage came up and I was still single (mid-30's at that point). She told me she never really thought of their marriage in terms of success or failure, rather a journey they took together and an emptiness which came with his death after 30+ years of marriage. I've found, over time, that I view marriage very similarly. TBH, I figure I win the lottery each morning when I open up my eyes. That's all the success I need; one more day of the journey.

[Philosoraptor]

I think a successful marriage is one where both people are willing to compromise and work together to find happiness for both themselves and their family.

 

There is no benchmark for happiness though, and it's something only those in the relationship can decide. But as long as they are happy that makes a good marriage.

[M30USA]

My ex wife defined "succesful" as getting exactly what she wants all the time, plus going along with the plan of her parents/family for our marriage. It wasn't succesful because I was not okay with this. Therefore I was the bad one, the odd one out. She will look for someone who is better at "compromising" next time (ie, saying yes and taking orders 24/7 without their own hopes or dreams).

Edited October 21, 2013 by M30USA

[xxoo]

A successful marriage to me is one that significantly adds to the quality of life for both partners. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

 

It's a marriage where both people feel like the lucky one to have the other

[Ninjainpajamas]

From what I've seen, what seems to be the biggest award for many couples is simply whether they stayed together in the end...that is what I see people define as "success", whether there was cheating, abuse and the rest of the lot that you see in dating and relationships...marriages seem to be more of a reason to endure these "trials and tribulations"...so you can say it "was all worth it in the end" kind of a thing.

 

Otherwise, I think you'll see the word "success" defined depending on the person.

 

People seem to envy couples who have been together for a long time and look happy/stable from the outside looking in, regardless of what may be happening behind closed doors...I don't think spectators think beyond that and make quick assumptions looking through a small window.

[cocorico]

To me, a successful M is one where the R facilitates both partners living fulfilled, authentic lives, bringing out the best in each other and facing each new day together as a glorious adventure. How long it lasts, and who gets up to what, is all secondary in my book.

[Nyla]

I'm wondering what opinion others have on what makes a relationship or marriage a successful one. I'm general, I think, we have this idea that it is when a couple gets married and are together until death actually parts them. But what if that relationship wasn't exactly a happy one and had issues?

 

One example is my parents, who have been married for about 28 years. During that time, they have battled alcoholism, unemployment, and, what I would consider, emotional abuse. Those issues have been addressed through rehab and counciling, and are now a solid couple, however, while when things were bad, I remember thinking that they should just separate for everyone's sake.

 

Another example is of my friends great grandparents that have been married for around 60 years. They had something like 5 kids, 12 grandkids, and 3 great grandkids. The local newspaper even came out and did a story on them. As far as I know, they are happy together, but my friend told me that her great grandmother had two affairs early in the marriage. Has that been a successful marriage or not?

 

So is it overcoming the troubles together or getting out when things get bad that is the key to healthy relationships?

 

Many people who have been married for a very long time are only together because the women are doormats. The older generation of women are generally tolerant of far more than a woman of my time would be.

 

My parents have been together for nearly 40 years. My mother got married when she was too naïve to know any better and she ended up with four children out of ignorance. She is my father's slave, even though he has been unfaithful and he has hit her more than once. I don't respect my mother because I think she is an IDIOT. She moans about wishing she dated more and how much housework she has to do. It is her own fault because she is stupid and chose not to focus on her educational dreams. Instead, she got married too young and ended up stuck with a bunch of kids.

 

That said, overcoming troubles are a part of marriage and it is very rewarding to come out on the other side. In the six years total that I have been with my husband, we have been through awful times together. Now we are in a much happier place. He is gently trying to break down the walls I put up.

[Clockwork]

A lot of the things mentioned already, but I will add one more thing...........death. In other words, no divorce. You can be married 25 years, have 4 kids, have shared some lifelong memories but is it really the way you envisioned it if you get a divorce? I want to grow old with my wife, and despite all of the great times we have together right now the truth is if I ever divorced her I would feel like something, somewhere went wrong along the way.

[crederer]

Based on your post, it doesn't sound like you believe in marriage. Marriage is an oath to stay together no matter what. it's not an oath to stay together until you fall out of love, or an oath to stick around until you are unemployed. In fact, it is the exact opposite of that.

[Silly_Girl]

My mum and dad's ethos seems to have been 'better the devil...'.

 

They have reached a comfortable compromise now but both would have been better suited to other people, and therefore happier.

 

They've been married 30-odd years and will be together until they depart this world but I don't consider it to have been a success.