How to deal with suicide threats

[wellthissucks]

We haven't been happy in a long time and it's finally come out that we both feel this way. I've also finally admitted that I am not longer attracted to him. He wants to work it out but I'm not sure I'm in love with him any longer and am trying to work out whether I want to stay or get a divorce. He's staying with a friend during this.

 

I've always known that his reaction to feeling hurt is to lash out and say mean horrible things, so I've always just taken it with a grain of salt because he usually apologizes later. So, when we started fighting a few days ago, I knew to expect the nasty texts and accusations of breached trust. The new spin though is suicide threats. He's now done it three times, including in person, saying that he is "going to ****ing kill [himself]" and he "wants to die" and threatening to "blow [his] brains out" or drive into oncoming traffic. I've told him that these statements are not funny or constructive and he replies that he's not being funny and "sorry you mean that much to me".

 

I don't know how to respond to this. Part of me thinks I should call 911 the next he does it and part of me thinks he's just doing it to try to manipulate me into staying. This kind of childish behavior is one of the big reasons I'm considering a divorce.

 

Has anyone dealt with this kind of behavior before? I have no idea what to do.

[RightThere]

I don't know how to respond to this. Part of me thinks I should call 911 the next he does it and part of me thinks he's just doing it to try to manipulate me into staying. This kind of childish behavior is one of the big reasons I'm considering a divorce.

 

Has anyone dealt with this kind of behavior before? I have no idea what to do.

 

He could be serious, but he could be just trying to manipulate. Either way, both scenarios he needs some help.

 

Try and get him into some counselling, but if he's not up for it, you should call 911 the next time he threatens it.

 

It may be empty threats, but he needs some help they can provide even if it's all talk.

[checkoutat10]

You need to call 911 the next time he threatens. Let medical professionals deal with his suicidal ideation. He has a plan. That's an ominous sign. Does he have access to firearms?

 

Best case scenario, he's a manipulator of the worst kind...worst case....he carries out his plan.

 

Next time he does it, very calmly find out where he is, and call 911.

[littlejaz]

I do not know what to tell you as to how to deal with him. But I do know that it is not your fault or your responsibility. If he chooses to end his life that is on him. I don't mean to sound callous, but I have been faced with a similar situation where I had a boyfriend trying to manipulate me by crying suicide and I finally came to the conclusion that if he did it, it was his decision and I had to reason to feel guilty about it. Of course, after I left he accepted it and went on with his life.

 

If he is serious then he needs help that you simply cannot provide so the best you can do is call the authorities and try to get him help. If he refuses, then it is on him.

 

Good luck.

[Philosoraptor]

911 is the best option if you aren't sure if they are serious.

 

Otherwise when people have made that comment to me I've handed them a knife and told them to do it already or shut up.

 

I've had zero suicides and 100% "snap out of it" success.

[Toddbt12y1]

Call 911. As such a poster said. It is also not your fault, if he carries it out. But 911, will get a reponse. He can be bacriacted. A few days safely locked away(not jail), will help. Maybe they can prescribe him a medication, to control this.

[dienstag]

How about just telling him that if he really feels like this he should seek medical help. I would also inform him officially that next time you will call 911. If he is bluffing and playing games he will not need all this public attention, if he is serious he will get help for sure.

I also had similar situation where straight after separation my ex H was saying how depressed he is and that he doesnt want to live anymore and will kill himself etc. - i told him exactly as above. Turned out it was a bluff

[wellthissucks]

Thanks everyone. I'm glad I'm not the only one that sees this as manipulative. I swear, he uses his sadness like a weapon.

 

For those that did the leaving, how do you handle the guilt? I'm pretty positive that I want a divorce because we have had the same problems our whole relationship and despite many attempts at counseling over the years, they are still here. And even if the problems could be finally fixed, I don't know how to fix that I no longer want to have sex with him and it wouldn't be fair to either of us to stay when I don't want him that way.

 

But every time I try to actually make the decision to leave I am overwhelmed with guilt. I am drowning in it. How do I make a decision that I am pretty sure will be better for me when I know it will destroy him? I know in my head that I'm not responsible for his emotions, but that doesn't change the way I feel about it.

[Jolly Roger]

Hey, my brother killed himself and all we've (family) have done is wonder what we could have done to save him. The answer is, nothing. That's right, nothing.

 

People who get that in their head and dwell on it are responsible for their decision, not you, not me.

 

It's blatant manipulation pure and simple and I simply would not allow it. The most I'd do is as other's have said, call 911, but I'm not even sure I'd do that.

 

He has a tool bag and when it comes to controlling you, I'm sure he tries every tool. As each tool fails, he rummages for another. Manipulation is demonic.

[amaysngrace]

Thanks everyone. I'm glad I'm not the only one that sees this as manipulative. I swear, he uses his sadness like a weapon.

 

For those that did the leaving, how do you handle the guilt? I'm pretty positive that I want a divorce because we have had the same problems our whole relationship and despite many attempts at counseling over the years, they are still here. And even if the problems could be finally fixed, I don't know how to fix that I no longer want to have sex with him and it wouldn't be fair to either of us to stay when I don't want him that way.

 

But every time I try to actually make the decision to leave I am overwhelmed with guilt. I am drowning in it. How do I make a decision that I am pretty sure will be better for me when I know it will destroy him? I know in my head that I'm not responsible for his emotions, but that doesn't change the way I feel about it.

 

He is probably shallow and doesn't feel to the same depth that you do.

 

My exH threatened suicide too. I told him he needed help. He checked himself into a mental ward. I never visited him there.

 

About a month afterwards he met a girl and about a month later he asked her to marry him.

 

So don't worry about ruining him. He sounds like he's already ruined as far as human beings go. Threatening suicide is actually a form of abuse.

[Jaaded]

My XH used to tell me the same thing when we were divorcing. The sad part was it only made me feel disgust for him...not the pity he wanted. He was manipulative, irrational and immature. I'm sorry but in this kind of situation you have to be selfish and put yourself first. You can't continue to stay in a situation that makes you miserable because he's threatening to harm himself....

[Tayla]

Humans when pushed to the limit will fall or regroup.

 

Contact a Mental Health specialist. They are apt to have suggestions to aid the temporary thoughts of suicide for this adult.

[IndecisionIsTorture]

Every suicide threat should be taken seriously. There's no margin for error.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks everyone. I'm glad I'm not the only one that sees this as manipulative. I swear, he uses his sadness like a weapon.

 

For those that did the leaving, how do you handle the guilt? I'm pretty positive that I want a divorce because we have had the same problems our whole relationship and despite many attempts at counseling over the years, they are still here. And even if the problems could be finally fixed, I don't know how to fix that I no longer want to have sex with him and it wouldn't be fair to either of us to stay when I don't want him that way.

 

But every time I try to actually make the decision to leave I am overwhelmed with guilt. I am drowning in it. How do I make a decision that I am pretty sure will be better for me when I know it will destroy him? I know in my head that I'm not responsible for his emotions, but that doesn't change the way I feel about it.

 

Whatever you do, don't make the situation worse. Do everything you can to NOT fight with him. IF he is in a pissy mood and wanting to argue, step away. It's just not worth it. Whether he is manipulating or truly serious, just don't even take the chance.

[pteromom]

Call 911.

 

If he's serious, they will help him.

 

If he's manipulating you, he will know that he will get a visit from authorities every time he uses that line, so he'll stop doing it.

 

Win-win either way.

[Tayla]

Every suicide threat should be taken seriously. There's no margin for error.

 

I marginally disagree. Such an "absolute" statement ....when there are folks that enjoy toying with human compassion. Crying wolf is just that...crying wolf.

Been around too long to know those that do and those that just toy with the idea....

[Yarrow]

I marginally disagree. Such an "absolute" statement ....when there are folks that enjoy toying with human compassion. Crying wolf is just that...crying wolf.

Been around too long to know those that do and those that just toy with the idea....

 

I agree with both. Every suicide threat has to take seriously and assessed, but not all require major intervention.

 

1) Find out if there is a plan. "I wanna kill myself." is not the same as "I'm going to jump off a bridge." or "I'm going to grab a knife from the kitchen and stab myself."

 

2) Is there the means to carry out the plan? "I'm gonna blow my brains out." is a little less worrisome if the person does not actually have a gun. Similarly, "I'm going to jump off a bridge" is less worrisome the person has no car and the closest bridge is a 3 hr walk.

 

If you determine that the person sounds serious, has a plan and has the means, then he or she could very well suicide that night. Get the person's location, then tell the person to stay where they are, you are calling 911, then do so. That is all you have to do. No one could fault you for leaving it to the professionals. You don't have to hunt that person down and personally take them to hospital. If it is an attention-seeking act, that would just reinforce that behavior.

 

If it doesn't sound like they are going to suicide imminently, then say something to the effect of, "I'm sorry you feel so terribly. That must be scary. You really should talk to your doctor/psychiatrist/therapist about that ASAP. If you think you're going to hurt yourself, please call 911." And then disengage. Don't argue. Just keep repeating that over and over until they give up.

 

I felt suicidal when my husband told me he was leaving. For a long time, I had visions of myself slamming the gas pedal in traffic and dying. Or slashing an artery and bleeding out on in the bedroom. Or walking in front of a car. Or stabbing myself with a kitchen knife. Fairly bloody, violent ways to die. It was the scariest thing I have ever experienced. So I initially told my husband because up until he dropped the bomb, he was my other half, my man, my shoulder to lean on. If you can't tell your husband when you're scared, who can you tell? Well, of course, he didn't care. And as the depression developed I concluded that I didn't actually want to die. I just wanted to stop the intense feeling of grief and everything I was doing wasn't working, so my brain was playing tricks on me, trying to convince me that the only way to end the feelings was to end my life. So I told my doctor. She was much more helpful. What I'm trying to say is that talk of suicide could be coming from a real place of grief and hurt. Try to be a little understanding of that, but direct the person to the professionals. Beyond that, don't engage. If it is manipulation, you don't want to play right into it. If it truly is depression, you can't give them what they need anyways.

[todreaminblue]

normally when i have suicidal tendencies i tell everyone to rack off.....i dont want people to stay with me in fact i break up with them, i try to make them hate me.......so it makes it easier for them, for me.... i know its twisted logic......then they normally call and get em involuntarily committed its when you are a danger to yourself....if he is threatening even if it is manipulation, take it as serious and talk to his family about doing a 48 hour observation in a psyche ward.....if it is manipulation he will figure out its not cool to be in there....its pretty horrible....they will orgainse support for him and counselling /therapy to deal with you moving on.......

 

 

 

 

you dont respond to suicide threats by staying, if you don't want to be with him and you want to leave you make sure he has support from family and friends, even organising an intervention and a stay in a psyche ward......and you leave quick and clean dont drag it out.........they would understand that you cant stay for someone to stay alive.....or be manipulated in to staying.......and be miserable...i wish you well....deb

[imtooconfused]

I agree with both. Every suicide threat has to take seriously and assessed, but not all require major intervention.

 

Agreed... This is why there are crisis hotlines, to avoid taking valuable 911 resources away from other crises.

 

My experience is that even the act of suicide is a "cry for help," and even when an individual initiates an attempt they desperately desire someone to rescue them. Threatening suicide is an extension of this.

 

wellthissucks, your husband needs help. He is desperately asking you to provide that help but you are not in a position to do that. Find others to intervene. Call a crisis hotline if needed. He needs to learn to get emotional support from other sources.

 

normally when i have suicidal tendencies...

 

todreaminblue, thanks for your thoughts. Very insightful.

[Yarrow]

I would just like to mention that I think that the crisis hotline is an excellent idea. I had forgotten about those, and I used to volunteer for one. Assessing suicide threats and talking people down is exactly what they do. They are also good if you need to talk to someone and have a good cry.

[KathyM]

I would suggest getting him into counseling. He may be just issuing threats to try to manipulate you or get your attention, but every threat should be taken seriously regardless. Counselors are trained to assess risk of suicide and can determine if there is a need for a psychiatric hold. Regardless of whether he is serious or not, he needs to be in counseling.