sweet-pixie Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 Hi, I've been in a on and off relationship with my boyfriend for almost ten years. Most recently I broke up with him because he was slacking off (this was two years ago). He didn't have a job and wanted to party all the time. I couldn't handle it because he wasn't being serious and being depending on me. We decided to keep in touch and still be friends. I wanted to see if he could change by getting a job during that time and I think we needed some time away from each other to see if could move on or not. A year later he felt he didn't want to be with anyone else but me and wanted to get together again. He did get a job so that was a positive. But knowing him for a long time now I felt we needed to take a step forward in our relationship. I told him the only way we were going to get back together is if we moved in together. He agreed with me and we started looking for an apartment. I had recently graduated from a junior college and was going to start at a state university soon so we needed to look for a home fast. We found a small studio and have been living there for a year now. It's definitely a hard year living together but we've managed. I'm a full time student that works that works 24-32 hours per week. He works full time. Some of the problems we've had are with me cleaning the home, him not having a car, having such a small living space and him still going out with his friends to much and drinking. I'm more of a mellow and patient person and he's more social-able. I've more recently felt that we've known each other for a long time and I feel we should get married soon. I don't want to wait to much longer to be proposed to because I'm looking for a long term commitment. But I think he would rather have children first and doesn't really talk about marriage. Should I be worried that he's hasn't proposed for marriage yet? I feel it would be better to get married and start a family before I finish school because I feel it would be harder and I would have to wait longer after I start my career. Can I get some advice please? I'm a 24 year old female and he's a 27 year old male. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 But I think he would rather have children first and doesn't really talk about marriage. You've been with him (on and off) for 10 years and you don't know what his goals are and how he feels about marriage? You need to be having these discussions with him now. Find out what he wants. Find out how he envisions your future together. Ask him to picture your lives 5, 10, 20, 30 years from now and describe what his ideal life is at each point. Then discern if it is realistic and compatible with what you want. I am more concerned though whether you guys are even compatible. You think him going out and drinking all the time causes issues now... try it with a child or two! Just because he's the only real relationship you've had doesn't mean he is the right one to build a future with. Don't just talk marriage because you think it's the next step. You have to really consider what it will be like to be married to him, and decide if that is really what you even want. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
unicorn farts Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 Going to school with kids is OUTRAGEOUSLY difficult with a father that contributes, let alone a father that goes out drinking regularly. Oh my goodness. No. My husband and I are in school and he's the best dad he can be but let me tell you, going to university with a baby is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The fact that you would PLAN on doing this just blows my mind. And in a studio apartment?? Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 It's been a rough year living together, so you think getting married will make this better? Slow down, you're young. You don't need to be married to be committed to eachother. Link to post Share on other sites
FallingLeaves Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 Focus on finishing your degree! While starting a family is a nice goal, you must take care of yourself first. Focus on getting through school, and have a frank talk with your SO on where you two actually stand. If he's still more focused on being free and going and drinking, he's probably not too interested in family life right now anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweet-pixie Posted October 21, 2013 Author Share Posted October 21, 2013 (edited) I know it would be difficult and I would take time off to raise a child. Starting a career and placing it on hold to have a child is a difficult decision too. And im not willing to have a child without having a better home first and a better car(s). I would say after a year or so. As for the drinking its something I dont like. He recently is trying to work on it but if he can't. Then I know it won't work @ unicorn farts Edited October 21, 2013 by sweet-pixie Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweet-pixie Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 Just because he's the only real relationship you've had doesn't mean he is the right one to build a future with. Don't just talk marriage because you think it's the next step. It's very interesting what because I think of it as the next step and if it doesn't happen soon then I should leave. I've invested so much into this relationship and as much a I love him he needs to show me that he's commited. Maybe right now not the right time things do need to get better before I think of marriage. Also I don't want to have children if he can't settle down before. I will definitely talk to him and see where his goal lie, pteromom. Link to post Share on other sites
dweebette Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I know it can be a strange conversation to initiate, seemingly out of the blue, but asking him about what he wants will answer more of your questions than we can. Then, make sure he knows what you want. If at the end of it, you find that your needs are different and neither are willing to compromise, you'll have your answer. And please don't get married (or push to get married) just because that's what "comes next". It may feel like you're obligated to, just because you're at that age and you have been together for so long, but weather you're married or not, the end result can be the same; you can be together. Also, just keep in mind that marriage is really about your relationship together and your love for the other... not just an item to check off of a "life's to-do list". Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 You are 24 and worried that he hasn't proposed fast enough for you? There is your problem right there... Link to post Share on other sites
JitteryCoffeeBean Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 Hi, I've been in a on and off relationship with my boyfriend for almost ten years. Most recently I broke up with him because he was slacking off (this was two years ago). He didn't have a job and wanted to party all the time. I couldn't handle it because he wasn't being serious and being depending on me. We decided to keep in touch and still be friends. I wanted to see if he could change by getting a job during that time and I think we needed some time away from each other to see if could move on or not. A year later he felt he didn't want to be with anyone else but me and wanted to get together again. He did get a job so that was a positive. But knowing him for a long time now I felt we needed to take a step forward in our relationship. I told him the only way we were going to get back together is if we moved in together. He agreed with me and we started looking for an apartment. I had recently graduated from a junior college and was going to start at a state university soon so we needed to look for a home fast. We found a small studio and have been living there for a year now. It's definitely a hard year living together but we've managed. I'm a full time student that works that works 24-32 hours per week. He works full time. Some of the problems we've had are with me cleaning the home, him not having a car, having such a small living space and him still going out with his friends to much and drinking. I'm more of a mellow and patient person and he's more social-able. I've more recently felt that we've known each other for a long time and I feel we should get married soon. I don't want to wait to much longer to be proposed to because I'm looking for a long term commitment. But I think he would rather have children first and doesn't really talk about marriage. Should I be worried that he's hasn't proposed for marriage yet? I feel it would be better to get married and start a family before I finish school because I feel it would be harder and I would have to wait longer after I start my career. Can I get some advice please? I'm a 24 year old female and he's a 27 year old male. Do you feel you need to be married to him in order to be happy with him or to make sure he stays committed to you? I wouldn't worry about it personally. If you are wanting marriage to feel more secure with him, then re-think your relationship with him. If you feel 100% secure and stable with him, you could be patient or bring up the topic of marriage yourself! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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