Sudden turn into a jerry springer case

[Tall2013]

This is mostly for the ladies.. Help me understand my wife. This is a long read.

 

Started dating in 2001, married in 2006. Decent marriage with the usual couple issues. We were both "in love".

 

I started a small business in 2007. Spent a lot of time on it. We're both comfortable being by ourselves but enjoy each other's company.

 

2011 she asked if she can do a 2 year contract abroad, excellent opportunity, crazy money. Completely trust her and couldn't deny her this opportunity. Said ok.

 

We had a 2 year long distance thing going. Saw each other every few months.

 

Jan 2013, she asked me if she can stay on longer, they really need her, they gave her more money, better position.. her own team.

 

I said.. that's a little crazy, we are planning for kids, how will this work. She said we have to try... Again, couldn't deny her opportunity.. she will be bitter for the rest of her life.

 

We started trying for a child in Dec. 2012. Lucky for us, she was pregnant in Dec. 2012. (God bless).

 

I went and stayed with her for 2 months in March 2013 then 1 month in July 2013, then we came back home early aug together.

 

In July 2013.. I knew there was something very wrong. Frequency of fights sky rocketed.. Sex stopped (thought it was due to pregnancy).

 

Clear signs of infidelity that I ignored because I trusted her. We talked about it though. "what is cheating"... "all guys want is to get into your pants".. She acknowledged it and said it was nothing.

 

In early sept.. She tells me that her girl friend is coming to town and she wants to spend some time with her. That's cool. Then she says she is going to stay over night with her. Would have been ok normally but she was 36 weeks pregnant at this time. I was very concerned.. Still not suspecting she is cheating.

 

Called her sister.. asked her if she can make any sense of this. We (her sister and me) thought she was being blackmailed. totally out of character for her to do this.

 

Followed her. Thank god for android and it's out of the box tracking capabilities and her use of my phone while home.

 

Found her at an upscale hotel with a man. Found out it's her boss. By boss, I mean the CEO of a multinational firm... Very powerful man.

 

I just left her and went home.. told her sister that it's her boss.. he was probably here for a meeting and she wanted to show him around.

 

Sadly.. still not suspecting she was cheating... to some sense.. this was trust on steroids.. But you wouldn't know unless you know my wife. Grew up in a very respectable family, very good morals... Sigh..

 

2 weeks later she delivered the baby. Very beautiful baby girl. Thank god! I love her and really happy I have a child. I know my wife wasn't excited about the child as I was.

 

2 weeks after delivery, we were on a walk. She confessed.

 

"I am having an affair with my boss."

 

I didn't grasp the situation really.. I really thought she was just having feelings for him and she was confused.

 

Then I asked, how serious... She said they've had sex on two occasions.

 

Obviously there is a child involved.. and I think I still love her in some ways. For the sake of both our families (who would be completely destroyed.. her more than mine of course) and the child, we agreed to try and fix it. Got some books, saw a therapist...

 

I was expecting her to quit her job. She said that affects too many people, she said she would stop personal communications with her boss.

 

Found her texting him and them talking on text. She asked to have a phone conversation to end it.

 

2 hr talk..

 

Apparently didn't finish, so she asked for another conversation to finish the previous talk.

 

this time.. thanks to a baby monitor, I heard the whole thing.

 

Walked in after 2.5 hrs. Lots of giggling and talking about what happened... WTF? Part of me wanted to rip them both apart.

 

Sent the guy an email. Told him she is her responsibility now and he should tell his wife. (He has two kids also 9 and 14).

 

He stopped talking to her socially after that.

 

She still doesn't want to quit her job. She agreed to quit but still hasn't pulled the trigger. She's apparently on "mat leave".

 

She says she loves me but even if I want a divorce, she says she wants me to be the father of the baby. I did send in a DNA test just to make sure, waiting on the results. She wants to live with me regardless.

 

I forced her to take a blood test for STD also. Having unprotected sex with a child in the belly seems grossly disgusting and retarded to me but I'm not a woman.

 

I first tried to contain the situation between the three of us, but it wasn't working. I eventually told my sister, and her dad. My sister wants to burn her at the stake and take the baby. Her sister "claims to understand her and asks me to be patient". Her dad asked me to give him some time to figure out what is going on.

 

Therapist said she has to first choose between her job or the family. She claims the therapist is bad. She would not see one by herself, says they don't know her and only she knows her and she can figure out what's going on.

 

She says she doesn't know why she cheated. The guy told her on the phone that he was curious. That was his reason for sleeping with a 36 week pregnant woman. The act itself would be incredibly difficult... I believe the first time was oral.

 

Anyway.

 

If you have any insight on this story, I would love to hear it.

 

She is 32 and I'm 34. The other guy is probably close to 50. She is very educated (B. Sc. + MBA), and very intelligent. Although, I would say a little unstable emotionally, may have self esteem issues although she hides it really well... I don't think this was a physically attraction situation. At least, I don't think so. Hard to trust my judgement now.

 

Your thoughts are much appreciated. Guys, you are welcome to respond although I think it's the female point of view that I am really looking for.

 

Thank You so much.

[underwater2010]

She is not going to pull the trigger on her job until you force it. And by that I mean hand her the divorce papers. She is not going to stop contacting him...also, you need to tell MOM wife. She has a right to know too.

 

If the child is yours the court will work with you to be a father. If not you can choose to stay around or let him step up.

 

You buried your head and now you need to face this problem head on. And the only reason she doesn't like the therapist is because he/she called your wife on her crap.

[Tall2013]

She is not going to pull the trigger on her job until you force it. And by that I mean hand her the divorce papers. She is not going to stop contacting him...also, you need to tell MOM wife. She has a right to know too.

 

If the child is yours the court will work with you to be a father. If not you can choose to stay around or let him step up.

 

You buried your head and now you need to face this problem head on. And the only reason she doesn't like the therapist is because he/she called your wife on her crap.

 

Unfortunately, I care for her family like mine. Her mother may end her life because of this.

 

Her sister had asked me not to tell her mother as well. Wife has also made the request. I just felt there is nothing good that can come out of it.

 

Her brother also doesn't know and I don't really care if he does.. He won't make a difference. I am good friends with him as well.

[crederer]

I can't think of many things more humilating and disgusting than a pregnant wife sleeping with a man 20 years her senior.

 

Get the results of the test, send her packing either way.

[underwater2010]

Unfortunately, I care for her family like mine. Her mother may end her life because of this.

 

Her sister had asked me not to tell her mother as well. Wife has also made the request. I just felt there is nothing good that can come out of it.

 

Her brother also doesn't know and I don't really care if he does.. He won't make a difference. I am good friends with him as well.

Her family finding out is not the issue. You are asking a female's point of view and I am giving it to you. You can file for divorce without mentioning the affair at all. Most states have become no fault for a reason.

 

Funny that they are holding the mother over your head as a reason not to call her on her crap.

 

Further more, you don't have to divorce her...you can separate for the time being until you get the results of the DNA test.

 

Wait are you talking about the BW in this case or your wife's mother?

[Tall2013]

Her family finding out is not the issue. You are asking a female's point of view and I am giving it to you. You can file for divorce without mentioning the affair at all. Most states have become no fault for a reason.

 

Funny that they are holding the mother over your head as a reason not to call her on her crap.

 

Further more, you don't have to divorce her...you can separate for the time being until you get the results of the DNA test.

 

Wait are you talking about the BW in this case or your wife's mother?

 

Wife's mother

[troubadour]

I can bet that there is much more to this story than the OP was told by his wife. It's very likely that her boss isn't the only person she cheated with.... especially considering how long she stayed abroad just by herself.

[Tall2013]

I can bet that there is much more to this story than the OP was told by his wife. It's very likely that her boss isn't the only person she cheated with.... especially considering how long she stayed abroad just by herself.

 

My first reaction to this is.. She isn't the type. Physical attraction wasn't very big for her. But... I am really not sure anymore.

 

So.. yes I've considered this as well. The other people she has contact with on a regular basis did not show signs of "weirdness". Also, if she is going to confess, why not come clean with the whole thing? She did confess.. I mean, she could have easily fixed it herself, not tell the truth, cut off the relationship with the other man, quit her job and focus on her marriage, and new child. She didn't.. she confessed... if you are going to do that, why not just tell the whole thing? She did it because it brought some kind of inner peace or something. If not the whole thing, it will not satisfy her need to confess right?

 

It may be true but just doesn't seem to match up logically. Regardless though it's horrible to cheat with multiple people but almost as bad to cheat at all.

[underwater2010]

Wife's mother

I wasn't saying exposing you WW to her family. I was saying that you need to inform her married other man's wife. Make sure she knows.

[Speakingofwhich]

It sounds to me as if your wife is immature and feels entitled. She probably does have issues with self esteem. Having an A with the big boss would feed into such issues.

 

It also seems to me from your post that she's not getting how big a deal her betrayal is.

 

IMHO she needs to face some consequences for the A.

 

Your post comes across to me as very calm and mature; more cerebral than emotional. Nothing wrong with that but if she is an emotionally demonstrative person she may not understand how painful this is to you without some kind of at least verbal description of what you've experienced in this sitch. Could be off base here, just a thought.

 

Definitely, the two of you need MC. You might not be connecting about all of this and a therapist could help with that. She needs to understand the depth of pain this A has caused you and how serious it is.

 

And IC in addition would be a great help for her if she would do it.

 

Oh, just thought of something else to add. If the A happened toward the end of pregnancy (trying to remember the time line) and because of the fact she doesn't seem as much into your daughter as you'd expect, it's possible she's having some hormonal issues that are contributing to the problems.

 

Hormones don't excuse the A but need to be straightened out. Probably her body will do that in time naturally, but it may be somewhat of a factor in how she's approaching/not approaching the sitch.

[whatatangledweb]

I don't believe they only had sex twice. If you start digging I bet the affair started before she told you she wanted to be overseas longer. You need to contact the boss' wife. Tell your wife to quit or get out. She is lying to you. Most likely she is still in contact with him. Put a var in the house while you are at work and a keylogger on her computer..

 

People can be attracted to those in power. It has nothing to do with looks.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Found her texting him and them talking on text. She asked to have a phone conversation to end it.

 

2 hr talk..

 

Apparently didn't finish, so she asked for another conversation to finish the previous talk.

 

this time.. thanks to a baby monitor, I heard the whole thing.

 

Walked in after 2.5 hrs. Lots of giggling and talking about what happened... WTF? Part of me wanted to rip them both apart.

 

WTF is right! 4.5 hours to "break it off"? Giggling? I would say that she has no intentions to break it off.

 

I know the baby complicates things, but you need to stand up for yourself. She doesn't respect you or your marriage at all.

 

Sorry, Tall2013.

[Tall2013]

I wasn't saying exposing you WW to her family. I was saying that you need to inform her married other man's wife. Make sure she knows.

 

Thought about this. I don't have contact with her but what good will this do?

 

I want to... just to ruin his little world but is that right?

[crederer]

your first reaction is to think she isn't the type of person to have an affair? Get your head out of your ass man, she DID have an affair. Whether it was ongoing on once or twice, or whatever, she clearly intends on pursuing it further she just got caught (which doesn't mean she'll quit either).

 

I'd tell the guys wife if I were you but that's a side issue at this point.

[Tall2013]

It sounds to me as if your wife is immature and feels entitled. She probably does have issues with self esteem. Having an A with the big boss would feed into such issues.

 

It also seems to me from your post that she's not getting how big a deal her betrayal is.

 

IMHO she needs to face some consequences for the A.

 

Your post comes across to me as very calm and mature; more cerebral than emotional. Nothing wrong with that but if she is an emotionally demonstrative person she may not understand how painful this is to you without some kind of at least verbal description of what you've experienced in this sitch. Could be off base here, just a thought.

 

Definitely, the two of you need MC. You might not be connecting about all of this and a therapist could help with that. She needs to understand the depth of pain this A has caused you and how serious it is.

 

And IC in addition would be a great help for her if she would do it.

 

Oh, just thought of something else to add. If the A happened toward the end of pregnancy (trying to remember the time line) and because of the fact she doesn't seem as much into your daughter as you'd expect, it's possible she's having some hormonal issues that are contributing to the problems.

 

Hormones don't excuse the A but need to be straightened out. Probably her body will do that in time naturally, but it may be somewhat of a factor in how she's approaching/not approaching the sitch.

 

I am a logical person but please don't misunderstand this. I am an emotional mess. I swing back and forth between it's all good to, W T F happened to me and everything in between. Probably stopped crying because I'm dehydrated.

 

Hormones is an issue and I am very concerned for post maternity depression or whatever they call it. Two of her uncles/aunts committed suicide.

 

I am incredibly angry and frustrated but I still care for her and her well being . If not as a husband, at least as another caring human being. I don't want anything bad to happen to her and my baby still needs a mother which is more incentive for me to make sure she is ok.

[underwater2010]

Thought about this. I don't have contact with her but what good will this do?

 

I want to... just to ruin his little world but is that right?

Think of it this way.....wouldn't you want to know? And if the DNA comes back that it is his, isn't she going to find out anyways?

 

This is the kind thing to do. And remember that two sets of eyes are better than one.

 

Just to let you know....I told married other woman's husband and they didn't even have sex.

[Tall2013]

I don't believe they only had sex twice. If you start digging I bet the affair started before she told you she wanted to be overseas longer. You need to contact the boss' wife. Tell your wife to quit or get out. She is lying to you. Most likely she is still in contact with him. Put a var in the house while you are at work and a keylogger on her computer..

 

People can be attracted to those in power. It has nothing to do with looks.

 

 

Interesting theory but unlikely. She got the job through a different manager there and in Jan 2013 moved into a new role that reported directly to the CEO. I don't think she knew of the man before she started to work there, and it wasn't until about Nov. 2012 that she worked closely with him when her boss at the time was let go. Now I wonder if he was let go for this reason... so she can report to the CEO and then he can do whatever he wants.. What are the chances that he saw through her insecurities?

 

Although... not impossible, but very improbable I think.

 

This man can and probably does get very attractive high priced escorts on a regular basis..

 

Why a pregnant wife. She is attractive but at 36 weeks.. I didn't think anyone but me found her attractive.

[2sunny]

I'd bet money she was pregnant with HIS child - since you weren't spending much time with her.

 

Get paternity established ASAP!!!

 

And stop being so desperate to love her that you're unwilling to lay down some tough consequences for her!

 

She's blown up your M and trust! And she doesn't even act sorry she did it - she's just sorry that you know now!

 

Call his wife today! Expose away!

[HokeyReligions]

I quit one of the best jobs I ever had to avoid temptation during a very dark time in our marriage. Your wife has not done this.

 

Her priority is clearly #1 her affair partner. And somewhere down at the bottom is You. In between are her house, her status, her child, things familiar.

 

I'm very sorry for your loss and loss of a marriage is big. You need to either kick her to the curb or move out yourself. And her family be damned. Who do you think they a re going to support when they have to choose? Not you.

 

Get your family around you. You'll need their support.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I would expose to the BW, even to the HR of the company.

 

You gave your wife too much latitude in ending it. An email would have sufficed.

 

I agree with the MC, quitting is not an option. Can you honestly say that you will be okay with your wife being away from home, with the OM? Your marriage will implode under the weight of mistrust.

 

Only your wife can answer why she engaged in such reckless actions while pregnant. I am sure it is difficult to understand how she could risk the health of a child...your child, as I myself do not understand that level of recklessness.

 

There is more to remorse than just self incriminating. There is the work/actions needed to shore up trust, and understand why she made the choice to cheat. The journey is hers. It is not your job to hold her accountable.

 

If you feel that you are the one who has the conscience or the one finding out information on how to move forward, the one that does all the talking, the one that has to ask for transparency, etc. Then you decide if you want a relationship where you are relegated to warden/parent/overseer.

 

Remember that those jobs are full-time, with no vacations, and no rewards.

[todreaminblue]

Interesting theory but unlikely. She got the job through a different manager there and in Jan 2013 moved into a new role that reported directly to the CEO. I don't think she knew of the man before she started to work there, and it wasn't until about Nov. 2012 that she worked closely with him when her boss at the time was let go. Now I wonder if he was let go for this reason... so she can report to the CEO and then he can do whatever he wants.. What are the chances that he saw through her insecurities?

 

Although... not impossible, but very improbable I think.

 

This man can and probably does get very attractive high priced escorts on a regular basis..

 

Why a pregnant wife. She is attractive but at 36 weeks.. I didn't think anyone but me found her attractive.

 

 

 

one thing i know is if you are attracted to someone , anyone, someone else will be too....pregnant women attract many..... none of them really good, as those who are attracted and sleep with or have sex with a woman who is so obviously taken by another man have really competitive and nasty vibes happening.......

 

 

you have handled this situation with dignity which is commendable considering .....however calm you appear to be ....i know you are not or wouldnt feel that calmness on the inside...do you feel like your head is full of cotton wool?..do you feel confused?...these questions i would like answered i know they are strange.......

 

 

now you need to fight for what is right, I dont know how you will handle it if the baby girl isnt yours....that is something you have to think about

 

 

but however you are feeling at the moment , you have to stand up for what you want.......therapy and marriage counselling yes...how others might react to the affair either her family or the family of the other man are not your problem...all that matters is this family unit that is yours.......if you feel you can work through it is the question it would be understandable if you felt it was too much....it doesnt matter how many times she had sex.....two times or twenty ...what matters is that she was able to deceive you.......that she was sweet talking him in probably the baby room while you were not in the room but around...shows total disregard......

 

 

 

most affairs go beyond sex ....meaning they destroy relationship because it isnt just sex involved ....if it wasnt enough to be just that sex....add deceit .....and emotional attachment ...you can add the confusion and the heart break that you must feel knowing you were betrayed and lied to for quite a defined amount of time to the mix....i am sorry that it has happened...i really do hope that it works out and that whatever happens your marriage can break through a horrible and complex time with total remorse that is hopefully shown by a wayward partner........best wishes...deb

[RightThere]

I didn't think anyone but me found her attractive.

 

No offense, but I would guess your wife wasn't feeling attracted by you and this other guy showed lots of interest.

[underwater2010]

Interesting theory but unlikely. She got the job through a different manager there and in Jan 2013 moved into a new role that reported directly to the CEO. I don't think she knew of the man before she started to work there, and it wasn't until about Nov. 2012 that she worked closely with him when her boss at the time was let go. Now I wonder if he was let go for this reason... so she can report to the CEO and then he can do whatever he wants.. What are the chances that he saw through her insecurities?

 

Although... not impossible, but very improbable I think.

 

This man can and probably does get very attractive high priced escorts on a regular basis..

 

Why a pregnant wife. She is attractive but at 36 weeks.. I didn't think anyone but me found her attractive.

Just to inform that there are plenty of men that find a pregnant woman attractive. My husband included.

[Charlie Harper]

Oh boy, this is going to be long so bear with me:

 

I know your kind because I am exactly like that, I give a Truckload of confidence and liberty to whom I am in love with, so you need someone who can be trusted and give you a place and priority. Thta is why I get exactly why you let her have a long distance relationship with her in order to let her advance her career and goal in life.

 

Unfortunately you have a wife that could no be trusted, and in the end She had a VERY LONG affair with her boss, ( I can be anything it was the case) because You AS ME will find anything to justify her because you love her. ( I found out of my wife's 18 months affair after 8 years, because I did not want to see the signs and could not BELIEVE she could do it).

 

If all her family commits suicide or burs the house down because SHE WAS IN AN AFFAIR, so WHAT? dont destroy your life, by being blackmailed emotionally, your little Daughter deserves the best parent she can have, and a marriage built on lies believe me is not very good in the long run. She may not be yours.

 

I may sound harsh but this would be my course of action, be calm and do what you need to gain your freedom and keep the Baby, sue her and keep all the $$$$ you can, you did your sacrifices, now she has to do it to you and the baby. Forget about her family and your DO WHAT YOU NEED, its your life not theirs, your problem not theirs, your heartbreak not theirs, I would call the CEO of the said multinational company and tell him calmly that every time he had intercourse with your wife, would cost him and exposing all this to his company, HR, make a huge media event with it, and expose to his wife and kids. The only way to expose a sexual predator is exposing him, robbing him of their power and exposing for what they are (think Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky).

 

I know you are a very conciliatory kind of person, emphatic, and caring but doing that in this case WILL DESTROY YOU IN THE LONG RUN.

 

Do it for your Baby, do it for you and let the chips fall where they may. As they say you and they MADE THEIR BED, now its time to use it...

[Tall2013]

No offense, but I would guess your wife wasn't feeling attracted by you and this other guy showed lots of interest.

 

Agreed. No offense taken.

 

I've come to this conclusion as well. Just couldn't and still can't figure out why. The attention thing is only a small part... I think anyway. She has something else that drives her..

 

I am guessing she is attracted to people that are the centre of whatever world she is in. When we met, we were part of a youth group and I'm naturally charismatic, very funny and somewhat charming so I easily got everyone's attention and a natural leader.

 

Unfortunately since the start of my business, it's been a small show for me and have been focused on it. Have not been part of "her" world so to speak and the world that I am part of is tiny and insignificant. Sadly, had I taken the corporate route instead of start to build something myself, I would have played to her needs perhaps.

 

My personality is also non-confrontational. Typically use humor to get out of uncomfortable situations which she is probably not into. It is not an ALPHA behavior I suppose. She did tell me that she was not attracted to this other man until some incident in a bar (yes at about 30 weeks pregnant, wasn't drinking she said) where this guy stood up for her when a couple of other guys were doing something silly. I don't remember the story fully, but apparently that is what got her going. I thought back to the situation... I wouldn't have put my wife in that situation to start, and if we were in it, my thought would be to get her and me out of it without confrontation, especially at 30 weeks... god knows what drunk guys would do. Never-the-less, it is not an alpha behavior.