struggling

[Idek]

I am very much struggling to keep NC with exMM. Any kind of communication triggers a response from me. I am extremely weak willed when it comes to him. This inner "need" to talk to him always ends up in self sabotage where I give in and respond. I have made it clear that I no longer want to talk to him and that I don't think its healthy for either of us, especially me. I feel that he uses the knowledge that I am so attached to him as a weapon, as he knows I will continue to give in to talking to him.

 

That said, I am in no way placing blame on him for my actions and behavior. I am guilty of not being strong enough to resist, and I need to just bite down and bear it. The breaking point for me was a few days ago when we started discussing trying to see each other, even as he is going through R! I slapped myself mentally and put an end to the conversation. I've done enough damage to myself and his marriage. If he is choosing to go through his R this way, that's fine, but I don't want any part of it. When I type everything out, its obvious what is logical and what I should be doing. My emotions are another story. It's painful, I just want to see him and talk to him to soothe the hurt and frustration. And its hard for me to admit that I still feel anything towards him because I also I feel like I'm truly seeing him for the first time as he goes through his R. Truly heartless with no remorse. I don't really have a plan for NC. Up until this point, its just been ignore everything from him and never respond (which has obviously not worked at all for me).

[AlwaysGrowing]

You could block any access to you.

 

Its not that difficult.

[Idek]

You could block any access to you.

 

Its not that difficult.

 

I have. I have disabled receiving and sending texts or calls from him through my service provider. I am unable to block him at work. Not possible to do so there.

[whichwayisup]

I have. I have disabled receiving and sending texts or calls from him through my service provider. I am unable to block him at work. Not possible to do so there.

 

You mean emails? So all contact is happening at work? You need to just delete his emails, or see if you can make them go into the spam box immediately so you won't see them.

[thecharade]

I have often wondered how many people, when faced with something they really, truly, strongly want, will choose NOT to pursue it simply because of the potential pain to others. I think it is a low number. Why? Because I think humans are designed to pursue getting their needs met. In my mind, most who have As (if not all) do so because it feels good. Too good. And potential pain to others is not enough of a negative impact on themselves. So why do other people not engage in As or pass opportunities up? Easy. Their needs are already being better met than the A offers and/or they are too afraid of the negative consequences (value their spouse more). I have thought about this from every possible angle, and this truth keeps coming back again. The cost vs. benefit ratio. Pure and simple. As happen when the benefit exceeds the cost, and they don't happen when the benefit does NOT exceed the cost. It has nothing to do with morals and values and boundaries, in my opinion.

 

You will stop caving to him when it stops being of any benefit to you. ie. you give up hope and realize you will never, ever get your needs met with him. For as long as you hold that hope, you will continue. And him breaking R with his wife gives you hope. It's false, insulting, hurtful hope, but it is hope. When your hope ends and the anger comes, there will be NO benefit to conversing with him. Only pain and loss. And then you will finally be done. I believe this because that's what happened to me.