young married seperated father

[limboland]

My wife and i have been married for 4 years and together for 5. We have a 1 and a half year old that we both loved to pieces. We married young(20 yrs) for no reason other than we loved each other(no kids or need for marriage) While dating and through the engagement process we had pretty ugly fights, to the point not getting married was answer. Somehow we made it through the pain and still got married and shared many great moments. However, we also shared a lot of hardship. Divorce was thrown out many times by my wife, and we both made many mistakes. These mistakes have lead to many trust issues and resentments. She had asked for a separation(not full on divorce), but when it came time to pull the trigger her mind was changed. At this point we tried again to fix things, and our marriage got worse. So for one of the few times i pulled the trigger and made a decision and moved out(only 10 minutes away, to stay close to the little one) This was devastating for her and caused a few arguments, mainly with me being the one to blame. We have now been seperated for a few months, and have made some progress but yet again she had asked for divorce(actually a couple times). I would go days thinking this is what was going to happen, and then i would get a phone call talking about how maybe that isn't what was best. The past two times i made if very clear(ha maybe not) that if divorce was brought up again then that would be the final straw. Well long story shortish, it was brought up again. Then one night we where talking, i expressed my feelings of doubt and that i was having a really hard time taking myself out of the mind set of divorce. All was as good as possible until she expressed that she needed to know whether we could work things out or not. I knew where she was coming from and that it made it hard for her, but i also said i did not want to make that decision that night. We argued about that for awhile(still the same conversation), to the point that i said i wanted a divorce. We went a week or so know that is what we where going to do and we where actually coping fairly well. Less arguments, being good parents and friends through the process. Then we started getting close, in an intimate way, and things where getting more fun. Like they used to be. Now she is proposing that we just stay separated for awhile and put off the divorce.

 

So that is the situation. Part of me really enjoys the affection, but a part of me is still not all there. And i expressed very honestly that i wanted a divorce and we needed to keep moving towards one goal. She really wants to work things out and i admire that, however i feel like i am lying to her and myself when i just go with it. Deep down i feel little motivation to make things work or that i want it to work. The reason i would keep trying is for the little one, but i dont know if that is enough to make it work, nor do either one of us deserve the other if we are not fully committed. I know this is all kind of scattered and i apologize for that, my thought process and feelings are just that though. I am not looking for an answer on whether to get divorced or not, that will be left to us, but i think i am missing a perspective here.

 

There is more to it, but after years of being with each other i guess that is to be expected, but i think this is a good starting point. I appreciate any help, positive or negative.

[Outsider77]

Would try marriage counseling first. Being that you have a young child, I would think it's worth the effort to try to make it work. It's not like you can't get divorced later if it doesn't work out.

[Criticality]

Yeah, what's the point of staying separated, but not divorced? It's just prolonging the decision, which good for anybody. You won't get an answer falling from the sky all of a sudden, because you been separated long enough.

 

You're young. You have a child. Cancel separation and try marriage counseling.

It'll at least make you more sure of what to do.

 

If you don't know for sure if you want to be with after a year, you can always get divorced. But I think you'll find out a lot sooner in marriage counseling, where your heart really is.

 

MC is good for making marriages better. But it's also good for figuring out what you want, and make a divorce "better" than it otherwise might be. A marriage counsellor can also work with you towards an amicable divorce.

[Mr. Lucky]

We married young(20 yrs) for no reason other than we loved each other(no kids or need for marriage)

And you sound young. Couples that are committed to each other and their family don't play the games, brinksmanship and one-up-man ship you guys have engaged in going back even before you married. Divorce isn't a volleyball to be batted back and forth, it's a life-altering event.

 

As others have said, MC might show you how destructive your behavior has been...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Monodare1]

Good luck to you mate. I suggested marriage counselling, she threw the idea out the window from the get go. Separated for 4 months now but in scots law, as we have a toddler together, we can't start divorce proceedings until we have been separated for a year.

[limboland]

And you sound young. Couples that are committed to each other and their family don't play the games, brinksmanship and one-up-man ship you guys have engaged in going back even before you married. Divorce isn't a volleyball to be batted back and forth, it's a life-altering event.

 

As others have said, MC might show you how destructive your behavior has been...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I dont think I was clear on what i meant. We didnt have any forces influencing us to get married, I had not gotten her pregnant, I didnt get married for intimate reasons(if someone chooses not to have sex before marriage), and it was not a financial reason. While there where things we didnt consider before getting married. We truly enjoyed our time together, whethe it was just watching a movie or even just playing music together.