Should I Get Back If She Was a Total Slut?

[antonio1149]

My girlfriend and I dated for a year, then broke up. It was mutual, no big drama, and we remained friends. Within a week, she was on a date with a new guy. Then she started hooking up like crazy--up to three a week. They were trashy hookups, too--a dude, the dude's brother the next night, etc. One guy had a live-in girlfriend and small child--she didn't care. No protection, sometimes. Her life was like a Jerry Springer episode.

 

During this period we still hung out--no sex, but some cuddling, though she wanted the sex. She still cared about me, supposedly; at one point she suggested we get back together, but in an open relationship (I passed). Finally, one of her hookups kept pursuing her, and they're now living together. She cut me out of her life after they started getting serious. That was over a year ago.

 

Now I know that all sounds bad, but here's the thing: she was young and a virgin when we met, and our sex life wasn't that great. She was heavy, and I wasn't that passionate for her physically, and she knew it (she has since lost all the weight). So I cut her a lot of slack for needing to go through her "sow the wild oats" period and seek out experiences and feeling truly desired. However, the degree of the promiscuity, and the lack of conscience about who and how, bothered me a lot. Otherwise, I felt she had an exceptional personality and that we had a rare connection. She seems to be a great girlfriend for the current guy, who I'm sure knows nothing about all the hookups.

 

So here's my question: let's say at some point she becomes available again and is interested in seeing me. If you were me, how much would that whole situation get in the way of you developing feelings and trust again? Would you even consider it for a minute?

[Archanaart]

How about you stop playing the "what if" game and live in the real world and find someone new. Stop worrying about what you ex is up to. Obsessed much...

[antonio1149]

How about you stop playing the "what if" game and live in the real world and find someone new. Stop worrying about what you ex is up to. Obsessed much...

 

Just a note to all: I know a lot of folks on here enjoy giving the "get over it," "live in the real world" speech. Your thoughts along these lines are duly noted in advance and appreciated. Now, I'm looking for constructive answers to my question.

[CarrieT]

Antonio, you need to let this girl go...

 

All you do is post threads about her so it is clear you are obsessing.

 

Move on, Dude. It is time to stop thinking about her, her motivations, and what-if scenarios.

[ColdAlone]

There is no indication of her wanting you back. So it's pointless to even think about it.

 

What if you win the lottery tomorrow ? Would you still think about getting her back ?

[antonio1149]

Antonio, you need to let this girl go...

 

All you do is post threads about her so it is clear you are obsessing.

 

Move on, Dude. It is time to stop thinking about her, her motivations, and what-if scenarios.

 

I guess you didn't see my previous post. That's okay, it happens.

 

On a different note: I've been on LoveShack.org less than a week. This is, like, my third thread and 16th post. With all due respect, I don't think someone with 5,700+ posts should be making comments like "all you do is post threads ... "

[antonio1149]

There is no indication of her wanting you back. So it's pointless to even think about it.

 

You know this, how?

 

Please re-read my second post in this thread.

 

What if you win the lottery tomorrow ? Would you still think about getting her back?

 

You imply that having a lot of money automatically guarantees finding that special person. I assure you, there are a lot of multi-millionaires right now in Silicon Valley working for Google or Facebook who are having a tough slog of it.

[lylat333]

So here's my question: let's say at some point she becomes available again and is interested in seeing me. If you were me, how much would that whole situation get in the way of you developing feelings and trust again? Would you even consider it for a minute?

 

I probably wouldn't even consider it for a minute, and that's my honest answer. But, I'm not you, I'm me. This is a very personal and subjective question.

 

Some people are able to put the past in the past, I'm not one of those people. I am judgmental, to a point. I believe actions define a person, not words, aspirations, or hopes. But I do believe people can change, rare as it is.

 

I agree with other posters this is a big "what if" scenario I worry you are holding yourself back with. But even if she became single again, I would have to have some way to be confident I could trust her, and that wouldn't happen unless she was able to show she could go without jumping into intimacy for at least 2-3 months among other things. I doubt that will ever happen for her if she is as you describe. And I've come to believe no one is worth putting your life on hold for.

 

The connection you had may have been rare, but it doesn't mean you can't have it with another person. Has it even been very long since you broke up with her? When I broke up with my ex I was with for 6 1/2 years and who I was very emotionally invested in, it took me 7-8 months to find another girl I really wanted to be with and became intimate with. And I consider myself an attractive, successful guy with a lot going for myself.

 

I don't really understand why you would be so hung up on her. The fact that you openly refer to her as having been a "total slut" is a major red flag. I was certainly not happy with my ex's history when I found out about it, but I could never feel I was in a respectable relationship if I resorted to name-calling.

 

So, I get the impression this is more about you not not being able to find someone better. And it happens. But I think you'll be better off not burdening yourself and waiting for this one. Shift your mental energy towards making your own grass greener and opening up your heart to something better.

[CarrieT]

I guess you didn't see my previous post. That's okay, it happens.

I have read all 18 of your posts.

 

On a different note: I've been on LoveShack.org less than a week. This is, like, my third thread and 16th post.

And you are beating a dead horse about the ex-girlfriend. You got great advice in your Facebook thread yet started this one - apparently looking for a different answer from mostly the same question.

 

With all due respect, I don't think someone with 5,700+ posts should be making comments like "all you do is post threads ... "

With all due respect, I've been around here long enough to see patterns in newbies and all we are trying to do is help you.

[antonio1149]

I probably wouldn't even consider it for a minute, and that's my honest answer. But, I'm not you, I'm me. This is a very personal and subjective question.

 

Thanks, lylat--I'm looking for honesty.

 

Some people are able to put the past in the past, I'm not one of those people. I am judgmental, to a point. I believe actions define a person, not words, aspirations, or hopes. But I do believe people can change, rare as it is.

Totally agree. I often say "Love is a verb." The idea of "can someone change" is important here. If she had been 30 or 35, I would say no way in hell would I even consider it. But she was in her early 20's, and I think we've all done things at that stage we'd rather not think about or have to explain. That said, some things are more excusable than others.

 

I agree with other posters this is a big "what if" scenario I worry you are holding yourself back with.

I haven't been holding myself back. I'd pretty much put her aside, and have been actively dating and living my life. She popped up on the radar because of social media connections to my family and I started thinking about her again.

 

But even if she became single again, I would have to have some way to be confident I could trust her, and that wouldn't happen unless she was able to show she could go without jumping into intimacy for at least 2-3 months among other things. I doubt that will ever happen for her if she is as you describe. And I've come to believe no one is worth putting your life on hold for.

Agree again. I always want to wait for a similar period. If a woman shows a willingness to have sex with me on a first or second date, I consider that a red flag. Among other things, it shows that she doesn't make good choices for her own well-being.

 

The connection you had may have been rare, but it doesn't mean you can't have it with another person. Has it even been very long since you broke up with her? When I broke up with my ex I was with for 6 1/2 years and who I was very emotionally invested in, it took me 7-8 months to find another girl I really wanted to be with and became intimate with. And I consider myself an attractive, successful guy with a lot going for myself.

Same here. I went out Salsa dancing the other night, several women hit on me without me even doing anything. But they weren't appealing to me. That's been my problem--I'm fairly choosey, and don't find a lot of easy ways to meet quality people. Online dating, forget about it. Bars, forget it. And on and on. So I go long periods (years) between relationships. In this case, it's been two years.

 

I don't really understand why you would be so hung up on her. The fact that you openly refer to her as having been a "total slut" is a major red flag. I was certainly not happy with my ex's history when I found out about it, but I could never feel I was in a respectable relationship if I resorted to name-calling.

I guess I could've said "overly frisky" but that seemed a little too toned-down. You're right--it hurts to have to think that about anyone, especially someone you had feelings for. I would never say that directly to her. But, if we ever ended up having the theoretical conversation, she would have a lot of 'splainin to do.

[Kobe2345]

Dawg, have some integrity and let this one go, Sleeping with other men and you still can tolerate? I certainly cant..

[antonio1149]

I have read all 18 of your posts.

 

Apparently you didn't read post #3 in this thread, where I said I don't really need to hear the "get over it" speech again. If you did, you ignored it.

 

And you are beating a dead horse about the ex-girlfriend. You got great advice in your Facebook thread yet started this one - apparently looking for a different answer from mostly the same question.

This is the same woman, but it's a different question.

 

With all due respect, I've been around here long enough to see patterns in newbies and all we are trying to do is help you.

I appreciate anyone who is trying to help, but after I've stated I don't need to hear the "get over it" speech again, hearing it is not helpful.

 

I've read enough threads now to have a pretty good idea of what you probably mean by the "newbie pattern" and I don't think I fit the pattern:

 

1. I've moved on, mostly put the ex out of my mind until this past week.

2. Have dated other women in the meantime.

3. Not stalking my ex on social media--she's blocked.

4. Not planning to contact her again--I'm in total NC mode.

5. Not in touch with anyone in her life, although she apparently is with mine.

6. Not putting my life on hold, letting what I think may or may not happen with the ex change my life from day to week to month to year in any way, other than spending time writing on this forum.

 

I was mostly asking a theoretical question that happens to apply to my recent situation but could just be presented in general: Do you think a certain level of promiscuity, after your breakup, should disqualify an ex-girlfriend for consideration for a future serious relationship? While I'm not seeking it out or expecting it, I think the possibility exists I may cross paths with the ex again and I'm interested in what people think about this. Also, it's an issue that could crop up with anyone.

[Outsider77]

I think it depends on the person. There shouldn't be a rule. Every situation is different. Girls are promiscuous for different reasons. Maybe she was feeling bad about herself and was doing it to boost her self esteem. It could be a phase.

 

If she gets it out of her system and stops then it may not pose a problem if you were to get back together.

[Simon Phoenix]

There's nothing more obnoxious on here then posters who try to demand what advice people should give. If you don't want to hear other people's opinions, then don't start threads. So OP, give it a rest.

[antonio1149]

There's nothing more obnoxious on here then posters who try to demand what advice people should give. If you don't want to hear other people's opinions, then don't start threads. So OP, give it a rest.

 

You're wrong. Here's something that's more obnoxious: posters who avoid the topic so they can indulge their chronic need to scold and lecture. I realize the Internet is full of these types, but I'm doing my best to discourage it.

 

Now let's get back on point, shall we?

[Criticality]

So let me get this straight... You didn't find her attractive when she was fat, she moved on, lost some weight, and now golly gee! She's kinda hot?

 

And you're asking if you should tap that?

 

Sure, go ahead... But first tell her: "Hey babe... You were a great girlfriend, but unfortunately also a fatty. Call me shallow, but hey that doesn't really get me going, if you know what I mean. That's why I didn't mind breaking up with you. But now you're not tubby anymore, I sure wouldn't mind pounding you all night long! Hey, people might even send some jealous looks my way! So whatya say honey? You want be my only one?"

 

Report back on how it goes...

(That constructive enough?)

[ColdAlone]

You know this, how?

 

Please re-read my second post in this thread.

 

 

 

You imply that having a lot of money automatically guarantees finding that special person. I assure you, there are a lot of multi-millionaires right now in Silicon Valley working for Google or Facebook who are having a tough slog of it.

 

No, it's more like a question of if you're options might be less limited, would she still be the one you want... Doesn't look like it to me in this case.

[Miss_raptor]

After reading your posts, I'm confused. Unless there's things you aren't telling us, there doesn't seem to be any indication of your ex wanting to get back together with you. I know you hate the phrase "let it go," so I won't say it. Instead, ask yourself, why you seem to be so hung up on someone who, in your words, is a slut. You don't seem to respect her, or her life choices. Why would you want someone that you didn't respect?

 

Also, for what it's worth, I think you'd still have issues with attraction. Even if she is svelte now. Chemistry is a weird thing, and you either have it with a person or you don't. It could very well be that there's no chemistry, lost weight or not.

 

Good luck.

[lylat333]

Online dating, forget about it. Bars, forget it. And on and on. So I go long periods (years) between relationships. In this case, it's been two years.

 

I don't do online dating anymore and also am not a bar person at all.

 

But even if you go a long time being single, it doesn't mean you should compromise. Right now this girl may be the best thing on your radar. I understand. But if it were me and I ever did manage to get her back, I'd probably feel I was out of the frying pan and into the fire, you know?

 

My recent ex... the only thing I wanted in the world was to reconcile after we broke up, and I thought maybe I could even get over her rebounding into a ONS or something. But, honestly, if I got what I had wanted so bad I think I would have waken, smelled the coffee and be totally turned off.

 

I was mostly asking a theoretical question that happens to apply to my recent situation but could just be presented in general: Do you think a certain level of promiscuity, after your breakup, should disqualify an ex-girlfriend for consideration for a future serious relationship?

 

In my opinion, yes, it can definitely disqualify the ex for future consideration and it's what I would very likely do on the slim chance my ex ever came back. A lot of people feel different and are willing to give a pass on most anything someone does while single or in another relationship, but not me.

[Simon Phoenix]

You're wrong. Here's something that's more obnoxious: posters who avoid the topic so they can indulge their chronic need to scold and lecture. I realize the Internet is full of these types, but I'm doing my best to discourage it.

 

Now let's get back on point, shall we?

 

So you are telling me to move on huh? Hypocrite.

[antonio1149]

So let me get this straight... You didn't find her attractive when she was fat, she moved on, lost some weight, and now golly gee! She's kinda hot?

 

And you're asking if you should tap that?

 

Sure, go ahead... But first tell her: "Hey babe... You were a great girlfriend, but unfortunately also a fatty. Call me shallow, but hey that doesn't really get me going, if you know what I mean. That's why I didn't mind breaking up with you. But now you're not tubby anymore, I sure wouldn't mind pounding you all night long! Hey, people might even send some jealous looks my way! So whatya say honey? You want be my only one?"

 

Report back on how it goes...

(That constructive enough?)

 

I know you're just trying to be confrontational, but beneath your wiseass remarks there's actually a valid irony, so I'll address it.

 

When I met my ex, I thought she was cute and was enamored of her "essence," for lack of a better word. I discovered that essence will only take you so far. I was willing to invest a year of my life to make it work. She lost some weight during that time, but it was still an issue.

 

All the guys who showed interest in her did it *after* she was almost-normal or normal sized. The guy she's with now met her at normal. So yeah, she could harbor some resentment against me because I didn't "accept her as she was," and I pay the price for that, while all the other guys, including the current one, get a free pass despite the fact they probably wouldn't have touched her with a 10-foot-pole at her heaviest.

 

So you can say I'm shallow, because I proved it. Or, you could say the opposite, because I was attracted to her for her, and not her hotness, when virtually nobody else was.

[antonio1149]

No, it's more like a question of if you're options might be less limited, would she still be the one you want... Doesn't look like it to me in this case.

 

You're probably right--money can potentially give you more options. But my ex was special in many ways--not sure I'd easily meet someone like her hanging down at the yacht club.

[antonio1149]

After reading your posts, I'm confused. Unless there's things you aren't telling us, there doesn't seem to be any indication of your ex wanting to get back together with you. I know you hate the phrase "let it go," so I won't say it. Instead, ask yourself, why you seem to be so hung up on someone who, in your words, is a slut. You don't seem to respect her, or her life choices. Why would you want someone that you didn't respect?

 

A couple of things. One, as I stated previously, I cut her some slack for her youth and inexperience. I'm sure there are a lot of women who went through a promiscuous phase, as someone else pointed out, who eventually matured and became good partners for someone.

 

Two, the fact that she has been in a stable relationship with someone for a while reinforces the idea that it may, indeed have been a phase.

 

Also, for what it's worth, I think you'd still have issues with attraction. Even if she is svelte now. Chemistry is a weird thing, and you either have it with a person or you don't. It could very well be that there's no chemistry, lost weight or not.

Great point--you maybe be right. It might just not be there, period. Or, I might feel more chemistry with someone after they've matured from a "girl" to a "woman."

 

Good luck.

Thanks!

[antonio1149]

But even if you go a long time being single, it doesn't mean you should compromise. Right now this girl may be the best thing on your radar.

 

She's really not. I'm not looking to make anything happen, and am not expecting it. I'm acting and thinking as if it will never happen. But I think it's within the realm of possibility.

 

I understand. But if it were me and I ever did manage to get her back, I'd probably feel I was out of the frying pan and into the fire, you know?

I think we've agreed we both would have a lot of concern with trust and would really take it slow and feel things out to ensure it was worth a try.

 

My recent ex... the only thing I wanted in the world was to reconcile after we broke up, and I thought maybe I could even get over her rebounding into a ONS or something. But, honestly, if I got what I had wanted so bad I think I would have waken, smelled the coffee and be totally turned off.

I think I read your thread where you discussed all this--seems like it would've taken a lot of effort to make the second chance happen. You think that after you got back on that road, you would *then* decide it wasn't worth it due to her ONS? Without her doing or saying anything new to arouse concern? Not sure I understand here.

[lylat333]

I think I read your thread where you discussed all this--seems like it would've taken a lot of effort to make the second chance happen. You think that after you got back on that road, you would *then* decide it wasn't worth it due to her ONS? Without her doing or saying anything new to arouse concern? Not sure I understand here.

Yeah, I think there are several cases where a dumper/dumpee gets what they thought they wanted only to realize it's not too good. I think it's very possible I could have kid myself into thinking I might be able to get over any ugly details of why she bailed on me but truthfully I would probably end up being too resentful and hurt to ever accept it.