cmarkvon Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I've been dating a guy for six months. What a wonderful six months! We have such a lovely time together. Everything has been amazing on each and every level. Problem: He's a huge flirt. I knew that going in. I can be a bit of a flirt, too. But I feel that once you're in a relationship with someone, there's a difference between friendly flirting, and actually hitting on someone. So, last weekend, we went down to the local pub. I ran into an old friend, and he ran into some old friends. We were all sitting around a table together. Everybody had had a few beverages (I'm not sure if that makes a difference?) Towards the end of the night-- he's sitting on my left, my friends is sitting on my right (he had just met her that night). He reaches over me, grabs her hair and starts playing with it and pulling on it in a very sexual way (she and I are looking at each other like WTF?) He pulls her towards him, and kisses her on the cheek. My friend immediately starts apologizing to me-- I'm so sorry! OMG, I'm so sorry! And I say, it's ok, it wasn't you. I saw what happened. And I say to him, "That was really effed up. Totally inappropriate. Talk about it later." Finish out the night, say our goodbyes, and go home. I bring it up, and he says he has no memory of it. We have a 2 hour long conversation about it, sort of come to terms with it, he feels horrible. But I am having a really hard time coming up with anything other than-- this is a really bad sign of things to come. Dealbreaker? Am I overreacting? There are more details in terms of the conversation, and history, but I'm trying to keep this initial post short. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 First of all, you're right to be upset by his behaviour. Don't believe his BS that he doesn't remember any of it. Please...he just doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions. He was aggressive and inappropriate and that would make me seriously question his character. What are the details of the history between you two? That could be very relevant here. They could all point to a disturbing pattern and, as you said, a sign of things to come. If he's done crappy things before, then you have to admit to yourself that the last 6 months hasn't been as perfect on each and every level as you make it out to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 (edited) beverages meaning alcohol?...possibly be because of that......so if you are going to drink together or he is alone with his mates drinking...can you trust him..that is your answer....i tend to find out a lot about a guy when he drinks......and i dont drink...its easy to see why i am not suited to a drinking guy.,......dont really trust them because i know myself.....i cannot be trusted if i drink in a social situation like a night club with friends ....and not have my partner with me.....thats fact...so ....i dont do something horrid i choose not to drink and attend night clubs when i am in a relationship..... so can you trust him......on that note decide if you always want to feel insecure and realize that you are already unsure of his character.....wish you all the best ...deb Edited October 22, 2013 by todreaminblue 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cmarkvon Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 Yes, I'm not really buying the "selective memory" thing, although he was pretty snockered. And I don't mind mild flirting-- chitty chatty stuff, and hugging. I'm huggy, too. He has a lot of friends who are girls, I have a ton of friends who are guys. But what happened the other night seriously blew me away. He got out of a serious, long term relationship about a year ago. She cheated on him multiple times, and he was completely devastated. Tried to work it out with her, despite her cheating, but walked away in the end. He then went through a big "slut" phase, trying to get over the break up. And then I came along. We haven't had any problems. We get along famously. We have such a lovely time together, talk about the future, can talk for hours, see eachother very frequently. Absolutely lovely relationship. And then... the other night. A friend of mine suggested that he might be feeling insecure and scared, and did that so blatantly in front of me to try to get me jealous. If that's the case, it totally backfired. I'm not jealous. I'm on high alert. I would never cheat on anyone, I never have cheated on anyone. And I would never, ever do to him what he did to me the other night. It was humiliating. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Over the top, very much so. But you knew what he was like going in, yes? Is this the first incident of such? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cmarkvon Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 Yes, I did know that he was a flirt going in. But I've never seen anything like that. Very sexual, wrapping his hand into her hair and pulling on it, hard. Then pulling her towards him and kissing her cheek. And I'm sitting right in the middle of them. And we're at a table full of people. I'm completely freaked out. As it stands, he's got this one "get jail out of free" card. If anything even remotely similar happens again, he's gone. I was in a long term relationship some time ago with a guy who was a total chick magnet, and a heavy drinker. We'd be at a party, I'd leave the room, come back, and he'd be making out with someone. I was young and tolerated it much longer than I should have, b/c "I loved him". Current boyfriend knows all about this, it kind of scarred me a bit. He even mentioned during our conversation after the incident-- "I'm perplexed and confused. I have absolutely no idea why I did that. I don't remember doing it. I love you, I would never want to cause you any kind of pain or make you feel like (ex) did. I want you to be able to have faith in me." He was near tears. I told him, I will never be treated that way again. By anyone. Ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Criticality Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 This really sounds more like really-drunk-guy-doing-stupid-drunk-s**t than really-drunk-guy-doing-shady-s**t. There is a difference there. Making out with somebody is crossing the line, but doing something half-creepy half-flirty with your girlfriend next to you? More an indicator of him doing something embarrassing and stupid, than an indicator of him being untrustworthy. IMHO. And not worth breaking up over, if everything else is going ok. And no, there's no absolute guarantee it won't happen again. But then again, there's no guarantee that another boyfriend who never pulled something like that, wouldn't cheat on you either. Half the posts in the infidelity section start with "I never saw it coming!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I don't know! Not a good sign! I mean, if he was braise enough to do that in front of you, I can only imagine what he does when you're not around. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cmarkvon Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 I was thinking the same thing, ChiTown. I brought that up to him-- "If this is what you do in front of my face, it really makes me wonder what you do when I'm not around." He said that he must have felt that it was ok because I WAS right there, so it was an innocent thing. And that he's been on his very best behavior every time he goes out or hangs out with his friends when I'm not there. Well, the ball is in his court. If he does it again, he's out. If he really loves me and wants to be with me, he won't behave this way anymore. I'm ok with innocent flirting, but this was a bit too much for me. Everyone there looked horrified, including myself. I did tell him, too, "I guess you and I have two different definitions of flirting." Time will tell, I guess. In the meantime, I'm still cooling off and letting the dust settle, and haven't really wanted to hang out with him. Writing here, and getting feedback from all of you has really helped me process. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I think that what the two of you have to learn is that when you're in a loving and caring relationship, there's no such thing as harmless flirting. If you're in love with the person you're with, then there shouldn't be a NEED to flirt with other people. That's just being disrespectful to each other and the relationship. Yeah...there's no such thing as harmless flirting. Someone always gets hurt. Case in point? You're here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cmarkvon Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 Very, very good point! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I can only wonder how he behaves when he's out drinking at a club/bar without you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mailman Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I don't like the sounds of this, especially because he embarrassed you a great deal. I've often said, that the 6 month point of a relationship is how you really get to see your partner act. By then, you've probably seen them mad, really mad, you've seen how they treat their family, other people, you know their core beliefs and you can tell by now how they react in certain situations, how they deal with stress, drama, etc. This may or may not be an eye opener for you. Hard to believe he can't "remember" it since you were all just probably drinking beers. However, I'm of the belief that you should always be in control of your actions, even drunk. I've been drunk in my life, but a few beers doesn't make me lose my moral code. If he is doing this with a close friend I wouldn't worry about it so much because some people can get affectionate when they've been drinking, in a friendly and innocent way. But a girl he had just met? Hmmm. I don't know. Stick around him, and see how he acts in situations like this again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Criticality Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 He said that he must have felt that it was ok because I WAS right there, so it was an innocent thing. And that he's been on his very best behavior every time he goes out or hangs out with his friends when I'm not there. This is actually a good point. A guy who's even halfway decent at cheating, or has been there before wouldn't do anything like that with his girlfriend around... Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Everybody had had a few beverages (I'm not sure if that makes a difference?) Lets get back to the part where you're not sure about this part??? How can you not be absolutely certain about that at least? Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I think there is such a thing as innocent flirting. Sometimes my behaviour is considered flirtatious when I'm not even trying to be. I'm in sales and sometimes I just pump peoples tires, doesn't mean I'm trying to get with them. It's all about the intent behind it. That being said, from the description, it goes past innocent. It was just plain disrespectful to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I personally think its not crazy, Maybe its stupid, but he's just a drunk guy. And I think that he's very comfortable with you, by doing it infront of you. It says what a cool girl you are. Flirting will happen, because once you are with someone, you are not blind to everyone else, and it is harmless, you'd have to be confident enough to know the boundaries and to know when is too far 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cmarkvon Posted October 23, 2013 Author Share Posted October 23, 2013 Thanks for the comments! Very helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 I personally think its not crazy, Maybe its stupid, but he's just a drunk guy. And I think that he's very comfortable with you, by doing it infront of you. It says what a cool girl you are. Flirting will happen, because once you are with someone, you are not blind to everyone else, and it is harmless, you'd have to be confident enough to know the boundaries and to know when is too far I have to disagree with this. Just no. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cmarkvon Posted October 24, 2013 Author Share Posted October 24, 2013 Thank you for the compliment! But there is a big difference between being a "cool girl" and being a doormat. Perhaps boundaries were being tested? I hope that my response made clear what my boundaries are. We'll see how he does. Last chance saloon. I sure do hope that he reins it in! I would hate to see him go. But I won't be treated that way. If he's ok with doing that, and thinks that I'm ok with it, it will only lead to cheating. Fingers crossed! Hopes are not high. We'll see... Link to post Share on other sites
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 Imagine what he must be like when he's out drinking without you! Yikes. Run away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 You do realize that you're enabling his asshat behaviour by letting it slide like that, right? You teach people how they treat you. I don't think he's necessarily cheating, but I'm not holding out high hopes for this working out. Link to post Share on other sites
thegreatesthumphrey Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 This is actually a good point. A guy who's even halfway decent at cheating, or has been there before wouldn't do anything like that with his girlfriend around... Are you kidding me. First, if he was tipsy he would be way off his game. Second, there are so many guys who think they are good and just aren't. Thirdly, how you act when you get drunk is the reflection of the mentality you took upon going there. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 I personally think its not crazy, Maybe its stupid, but he's just a drunk guy. And I think that he's very comfortable with you, by doing it infront of you. It says what a cool girl you are. Flirting will happen, because once you are with someone, you are not blind to everyone else, and it is harmless, you'd have to be confident enough to know the boundaries and to know when is too far This is the most ridiculous thing I've heard. You are really misinformed when it comes to what is acceptable behavior within a loving relationship. Playing with another girls hair in a sexual manner and then kissing her in front of everyone, when his girlfriend is THERE????? That is totally unacceptable and disgusting. It doesn't make her a cool girl; it makes her a DOORMAT for not dumping him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 Thank you for the compliment! But there is a big difference between being a "cool girl" and being a doormat. Perhaps boundaries were being tested? I hope that my response made clear what my boundaries are. We'll see how he does. Last chance saloon. I sure do hope that he reins it in! I would hate to see him go. But I won't be treated that way. If he's ok with doing that, and thinks that I'm ok with it, it will only lead to cheating. Fingers crossed! Hopes are not high. We'll see... Uhhh... men who are head over heals in love DO NOT need to be " reigned in":sick: Look, I'm sure he really likes you, but you're definitely not the love of his life. It's sad when girls have to " keel an eye" on their partners.... Please. There are men out there who would never do this to you. Can't you see that you would be MUCH happier with a man who truly cherishes you? Link to post Share on other sites
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