For everyone whos trying to get them back..

[Haydn]

My ex clearly had very serious issues and major jealousy was one of them. But she dropped me and i would never parade a new girl around to get a reaction from her. Hoping she would realise what a great catch i was. Thats a game. If she thought she made a mistake then the least i would expect was a conversation from her. I would listen.

[Lizrd3000]

im testing it right now.

 

first week when we were on LC she knew i was sad

2 weeks nc followed

 

now we were forced to chat in a groupchat on whatsapp, and she's giving me signs she's still interested. we're meeting this friday, ill tell you how it went.

 

im playing it really cool and laid back, i dont really care to be honest. lol.

 

just interested in testing your theory right now, ill come back later.

[flight E]

I don't know what the fuss about first prize or consolation prize is. In life things are not that simple. You were a first prize once. U became a consolation prize. U can still become a first prize after and thereafter become the person awarding the prize. I.e the dumper. So those terms really do not apply. I think in relationships just maintaining your dignity, self esteem/respect and individuality is all that matters

[JDPT]

by that you mean you could be gorgeous but when a guy is finished, he can be not remotely attracted to you and to him you could look as tedious as a fat woman?

 

I'm not saying this because my ex was "mine" at one point but she used to be a 10. Was always dressed up, always. And not in a skimpy way but in a very conservative/provocative way (if that even makes sense) and that's what used to drive me nuts. She had an amazing body and the girl never worked out. I always like to dress up for some reason. As far as back as I can remember you won't catch me with sneakers or sweats unless I was at the gym. So I guess in that sense we complimented each other. But to answer your questions there were times when my phone would ring and I used to see it was her and immediately didn't wan to pick up because I knew she had another problem that needed my attention. At the end I just got sick of address all of her problems or perhaps she just needed an ear to vent but to me her issues translated to me finding problems. So yes you get tired even if they are gorgeous. One thing that amazed me was that with her I never got tired of her in bed. It was always the same passionate, wild, and intense sessions we used to have as it was the first time all over again. As opposed to with other girlfriends where after a few months I was sick of them in bed. I guess this gives me something to think about.

[Haydn]

I was always jeans and trainers type. She was always the conservative type. And she was gorgeous but she started to buy the same clothes as me, same trainers, same labels, and changed completely. I loved the way she was but she felt the need to change for me. I never asked her once to change. But i think this is a little off thread. Sorry. Take care. Haydn Mathias. (Had a few jars tonight! Maybe not a good idea.

 

 

 

I'm not saying this because my ex was "mine" at one point but she used to be a 10. Was always dressed up, always. And not in a skimpy way but in a very conservative/provocative way (if that even makes sense) and that's what used to drive me nuts. She had an amazing body and the girl never worked out. I always like to dress up for some reason. As far as back as I can remember you won't catch me with sneakers or sweats unless I was at the gym. So I guess in that sense we complimented each other. But to answer your questions there were times when my phone would ring and I used to see it was her and immediately didn't wan to pick up because I knew she had another problem that needed my attention. At the end I just got sick of address all of her problems or perhaps she just needed an ear to vent but to me her issues translated to me finding problems. So yes you get tired even if they are gorgeous. One thing that amazed me was that with her I never got tired of her in bed. It was always the same passionate, wild, and intense sessions we used to have as it was the first time all over again. As opposed to with other girlfriends where after a few months I was sick of them in bed. I guess this gives me something to think about.

[JDPT]

Take it easy my friend, try to put down the bottle. Don't allow it to get the best of you. You can always post if you need. We are here for you.

[ponchsox]

We don't actually do it to get "them" back. We do it because their absence creates a void in our mind that we need them back to make us feel better. They will always be around. They aren't running off to Aruba getting married to Prince Charming tomorrow.

[haggard969]

exactly. not sure what was going through her head. n still dont. but w.e master plan whe had i dont think its going to work out

[Haydn]

Thank you, you are right. Its down. I feel ok, just a mite stupid. I will turn in soon. Hopefully she will not be in my dreams. Thank you again. JDPT.

 

Take it easy my friend, try to put down the bottle. Don't allow it to get the best of you. You can always post if you need. We are here for you.

[haggard969]

OP, you certainly are spot on as far as the behavior of my ex.

 

Does that mean she has a personality disorder? Perhaps.

 

I think maybe it's sign of immaturity For instance about 7 months before my ex dumped me, I had a chance to cheat on her but I didn't. There was this girl that I would see on a daily basis and we would talk and she would flirt with me. I admit, I was tempted. I had a crush on her for a few weeks. I was nervous and excited when I was around her in a way that I hadn't been for awhile with my then girlfriend. So why didn't I pursue it any further? I didn't pursue anything with her because I loved the person I was with and didn't want to give up my relationship over a passing crush.

 

So I think that when my ex saw someone new and felt an attraction, she wasn't mature enough to take a step back and say "wait a minute, just because I'm attracted to someone else doesn't mean I should throw away what I have". I know my ex has only ever been in a few relationships. I don't think she is mature enough to realize the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

 

However, me trying to understand it doesn't change that it happened so I have to deal with it.

 

this hit the nail on the spot for me. exactly what i was looking to hear. and i believe this is what my ex did. its the only thing that makes sence. she got over infatuated for some guy with a sappy story. there is no way she could have been mature enouph. escpecially if your gona throw ur family n responsibilities out the window for it.

[JDPT]

Thank you, you are right. Its down. I feel ok, just a mite stupid. I will turn in soon. Hopefully she will not be in my dreams. Thank you again. JDPT.

 

You got it.

[Sugarkane]

This is something that I had a very hard time with and perhaps struggle with at times now. I used to torture myself with this. When my ex dumped me I was going through a rough financial patch I was laid off a well paying job and luckily had saving to rely on while searching for my next job. Unfortunately these savings were rapidly depleting. And she having 4 kids clearly needed someone who was financially solvent. In one of her emails she stated "you didn't ask much about my finances and I need someone who can take charge. In other words she was telling me that she needs someone with money and that hurt like hell and destroyed my selfesteem. The reason why I didn't ask much about her finances was because I was going through financial difficulties myself, however, I tried to be there as much as I could for her and her 4 kids.

 

Sounds Like you dodged a bullet! Who wants someone that runs when you have some financial difficulty? Maybe she should have thought about supporting the kids herself, instead of finding a sugar daddy?

[Sugarkane]

Its a faulty system. They don't "regret" anything until everything else fails. Different reason why people leave relationships, but a key reason is because they are done with the relationship.

 

Social media has ruined reality in SO many ways that it makes many of us overthink/do stupid things/spy.....just so much crap that just alters any progress in moving forward. If you dont have it now, then NEVER get it lol. I think the cons vastly outweigh the pros.

 

In general, the only way an ex would ever want to come back is if they want. No amount of jealously or anything else will do.

They should regret it, if you treated them good and they ended things callously and gave up. I'm not a gold digger like a lot of women are.

[todreaminblue]

i think everyoen on this planet has an undiagnosed personality disorder because everybody can exhibit traits you have mentioned...unless of course you have mastery on perfection...dont know anyone that has mastered perfection other than god or jesus......putting people in little boxes its a nah.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

......wootwoot...deb

[haggard969]

i think everyoen on this planet has an undiagnosed personality disorder because everybody can exhibit traits you have mentioned...unless of course you have mastery on perfection...dont know anyone that has mastered perfection other than god or jesus......putting people in little boxes its a nah.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

......wootwoot...deb

 

oh trust me im far from perfect, look what i am doing ever since ive been dumped, posting stuff like this, on a quest to find the truth, or the reason why. i am completley losing my mind because of this, the only thing keeping me sane is i am not alone. so trust me no one is perfect you are right. but i know one thing i am, and thats not a selfish lying *******

[JDPT]

Sounds Like you dodged a bullet! Who wants someone that runs when you have some financial difficulty? Maybe she should have thought about supporting the kids herself, instead of finding a sugar daddy?

 

She clearly had no problem kicking me while I was down. Oh, but I can remember the countless times she needed money and emotional support and walking her through all her sh it in life, yes I was there through it all. And when I was not longer useful to her, she dumped me. I actually used to get angry and felt hurt at this but it's honestly getting to a point that I no longer care, which I think its an amazing thing. I have so much going for myself now, back to work, school, healing and paving a bright future for MYSELF.

[h0000]

I'm not saying this because my ex was "mine" at one point but she used to be a 10. Was always dressed up, always. And not in a skimpy way but in a very conservative/provocative way (if that even makes sense) and that's what used to drive me nuts. She had an amazing body and the girl never worked out. I always like to dress up for some reason. As far as back as I can remember you won't catch me with sneakers or sweats unless I was at the gym. So I guess in that sense we complimented each other. But to answer your questions there were times when my phone would ring and I used to see it was her and immediately didn't wan to pick up because I knew she had another problem that needed my attention. At the end I just got sick of address all of her problems or perhaps she just needed an ear to vent but to me her issues translated to me finding problems. So yes you get tired even if they are gorgeous. One thing that amazed me was that with her I never got tired of her in bed. It was always the same passionate, wild, and intense sessions we used to have as it was the first time all over again. As opposed to with other girlfriends where after a few months I was sick of them in bed. I guess this gives me something to think about.

 

You can start earn more money and you will feel good about yourself.

Im kinda considering plastic surgery lol I know all of you are gonna think im going crazy.But I want to feel better about myself..Maybe this BU destroyed my self-esteem..I looked at my ex's ex gf who is as gorgeous as Miranda Kerr..I just feel so sh*t about myself.

I know looks only goes so far but honestly I believe guys put up with the girls more if they are beautiful.

My ex never loved me but he loved his ex and did I mention she is gorgeous lol

[oracle]

Wishful thinking

 

Its not a disorder. Its human nature. Stop trying to find reason and answers... Its just far more inevitable in today's selfish society.

 

Rule 2 - Possession and desire are mutually exclusive (people want what they can't have, or they want what they no longer wanted before but now are interested again when they see someone else now wants it) Its like that for nearly everything in life, relationships are just one aspect.

 

STOP putting it on a pedestal!

 

Think really hard back to the REALITY of your past relationship. I guarantee the reality of it then wasn't as blissful as how you look back upon it now.. Granted you were content, but you probably weren't doing backwards cartwheels over your ex.

 

Some people in life are fairly content and don't like change. Others get bored and like change.

 

Pair two people together like that and the outcome is even more inevitable. All it takes is a little trigger to set it off... Spend decades together and there are countless things that will do it.

 

Attachment is what keeps us together.. and for some people, its just not enough.

 

does this sound like your situation

 

-your partner dumped you and you didn't see it coming

-you were mad sad begged cried

-you tried talking to friends or family

-couldn't listen to the radio or eat food, lost weight

-you spend hours alone on the internet trying to find away to get them back

-your sloppy at work

-when they left you they had not a care in the world

-they seemed like they were rubbing it in your face

-right after they dumped you, they had a new partner instantly and they were showing them off on social media.

-no matter what you did they wouldn't budge, they made up their mind.

 

i could keep this list going but you get the point.

 

clearly i am in this situation as well

 

anyways. i stumbled across i forum on another website, and many women and men posted on it, but they were the dumpers who felt the spark was gone. they felt they fell out of love or they started liking some one else or just wanted to be single. most of these people left a relationship that was not bad either. i went on to read post after post of their stories, i went through 140 pages and there were still more to go.

 

all these people seemed to have the same philosophy as my girlfriend who just dumped me.

 

they all initially wanted something new and exciting. They all seemed to forget how great their relationship was with their ex and started to regret leaving for another person.

 

one woman posted saying some of the answers i was looking for, she said " he was a great guy, i loved him, but i did not feel the spark, i was bored and wanted try someone new, so i started dating another guy, my ex was depressed n he did not want it to be over, but i was happy , i was partying and the new guy was great, and it was just a new feeling, then a few months later i herd that he started seeing another woman, instantly my heart stopped, and i panicked. I instantly remember everything i liked about him and i had burst into tears trying to figure out what the hell i was thinking"

 

Many people posted similar stories, it seems that they all left for the same reasons , they just wanted change and something new. The new guy or girl seemed to have everything the old one did not. That was until their possession belonged to someone else.

 

another poster stated" why would the dumper be worried if he/she knows you are sitting at home depressed when they could have you in a heart beat, they know your still their, so what do they have to lose"

 

I realized that the statement was completely true, they absolutely don't have anything to lose if your still there. The only way that they will realize what they have lost is when you show them what they lost. When you belong to someone else. That is when they want you. When your actually gone.

 

another posted said " its best to wait a month or two to show your ex that this is not just a rebound relationship like theirs was when they dumped you, the seriousness will sink in and make them start to regret."

 

Now i realize it is not right to date another man/woman just to get your ex back. So hopefully by that time you will realize how low your ex was and how great your new partner is.

 

anyways, so in my situation my ex fits perfectly into that group of dumpers who threw it all away. She seemed to have the exact same personality and pretty much did the same thing.

 

I am starting to realize that i think these type of people have an UN-diagnosed or UN-identified personality disorder(UIPD), where they absolutely have to get what they want, they have to have things their way, and they will go to extreme lengths to get it. If they see people with better things they don't have, they will find a way to get it, even if its sacrificing certain things or everything. Its almost like turret syndrome. they get this itch that they have to scratch. If a woman with UIPD sees one of her friends with a new rich good looking man, she will look back at what she has and say "screw this, i am going to get me that some of that too". If a man with UIPD sees his buddy with his new super model girlfriend, he will look back at his chubby wife and say "good bye"

 

Now this theory only proves positive on the posts that i have read and it seemed to be about 90% of the reason why the dumper returned. I have not yet tested it myself. but there is one more thing i should point out, looks are a factor for this to work. If you go out and get yourself some ugly Unhygienic partner, they will be disgusted and not be jealous at all. you have to get the one-up on them. If your partner was an 8, get a 9. Show them that not only you are over them. But show them that you can do much better than them.

 

I am going to test this theory myself. please note that if it works and my ex does come back. I am not going to take her back. But I have gone through this twice now and i want to figure out if UIPD is real.

 

Now I did have a woman who liked me who is very attractive, i told my ex while she was dumping me, that this girl liked me. My ex got very mad. She posted threats on Facebook, and she even ran into this girl in the bar to ensure she was not going to be with me. After she reassured herself she texted me a week later to not ever try and make her jealous again. The woman told her it was probably just a misunderstanding to avoid drama. And after that my ex went cold and distant again.This incident also backs up my theory. Due to the fact that it should have not mattered to her at all considering she just dumped me.

 

So anyways, if i cannot get a girl hot enough to one-up my ex, then i am going to hire an escort to take multiple photos of me and her just to see what happens. I will continue to update my progress.

 

I ask for people on this site to also test out my theory. And post your results on this thread. thanks for your time, wish me luck!

[JDPT]

You can start earn more money and you will feel good about yourself.

Im kinda considering plastic surgery lol I know all of you are gonna think im going crazy.But I want to feel better about myself..Maybe this BU destroyed my self-esteem..I looked at my ex's ex gf who is as gorgeous as Miranda Kerr..I just feel so sh*t about myself.

I know looks only goes so far but honestly I believe guys put up with the girls more if they are beautiful.

My ex never loved me but he loved his ex and did I mention she is gorgeous lol

 

This is something that you don't need to torture yourself with. There is absolutely no need to compare yourself so anyone in this planet. When my ex dumped me I used to compare myself to her all the time, it was a terrible thing and used t eat me alive. It made me feel so insecure and my self esteem was shattered beyond. I'm learning that I am where I am in life for a reason and that all I need to do is pick up from today and make things great for me. Don't compare to your ex's ex she is completely irrelevant to you. Focus on you only and know that we are all unique in our own ways.

[hurts2death]

very wise post.

Wishful thinking

 

Its not a disorder. Its human nature. Stop trying to find reason and answers... Its just far more inevitable in today's selfish society.

 

Rule 2 - Possession and desire are mutually exclusive (people want what they can't have, or they want what they no longer wanted before but now are interested again when they see someone else now wants it) Its like that for nearly everything in life, relationships are just one aspect.

 

STOP putting it on a pedestal!

 

Think really hard back to the REALITY of your past relationship. I guarantee the reality of it then wasn't as blissful as how you look back upon it now.. Granted you were content, but you probably weren't doing backwards cartwheels over your ex.

 

Some people in life are fairly content and don't like change. Others get bored and like change.

 

Pair two people together like that and the outcome is even more inevitable. All it takes is a little trigger to set it off... Spend decades together and there are countless things that will do it.

 

Attachment is what keeps us together.. and for some people, its just not enough.

[Never Again]

Rule 2 - Possession and desire are mutually exclusive (people want what they can't have, or they want what they no longer wanted before but now are interested again when they see someone else now wants it) Its like that for nearly everything in life, relationships are just one aspect.

 

Corollary to this: People stop wanting what they have. I think we all know someone who is more interested in "the chase" than the people they're chasing.

 

It's remarkably foolish, but unfortunately true.

 

It's entirely counter-intuitive to those of us subscribe to the belief that you should truly open up and share with your partner to form a deeper bond (not to the point of being a doormat...just being open, honest, supportive and available). However:

 

Attachment is what keeps us together.. and for some people, its just not enough.

 

Some live simply for those feelings of desire, and when those feelings inevitably leave, so do they. Their relationships may often be unsuccessful, shallow or destructive...and they'll often leave heartache in their wake...but they're following how they *feel*...and those feelings are intense.

 

It can be hard to ignore the siren's call.

 

 

STOP putting it on a pedestal!

 

Think really hard back to the REALITY of your past relationship. I guarantee the reality of it then wasn't as blissful as how you look back upon it now.. Granted you were content, but you probably weren't doing backwards cartwheels over your ex.

 

Some people in life are fairly content and don't like change. Others get bored and like change.

 

I think all dumpee (and even some dumpers) are guilty of this at some point: at first we remember only the good things.

 

However, isn't part of the point of a relationship to be content? Isn't that, in the long run, something we should aspire to have?

 

Not to the point of complacency, of course. There needs to be some growth and excitement for the relationship to thrive...but there also needs to be happiness and stability.

 

Emotional rollercoasters are thrilling and all, but they're exhausting and you can only ride them for so long before you throw up.

[oracle]

Once I fully detach from the ex - I don't think I want another relationship with someone.

 

Its easier to just chase the fun and keep it light. I see the inevitability of everything now, especially in the gay world. I did 16 years with someone since age 19. I haven't heard of anything coming close to that in these gay circles.

 

Writing is on the wall.

 

Don't wanna experience this again.

 

So I go with the human nature side, and I try to accept the new landscape.

 

Jaded? perhaps.

 

Corollary to this: People stop wanting what they have. I think we all know someone who is more interested in "the chase" than the people they're chasing.

 

It's remarkably foolish, but unfortunately true.

 

It's entirely counter-intuitive to those of us subscribe to the belief that you should truly open up and share with your partner to form a deeper bond (not to the point of being a doormat...just being open, honest, supportive and available). However:

 

 

 

Some live simply for those feelings of desire, and when those feelings inevitably leave, so do they. Their relationships may often be unsuccessful, shallow or destructive...and they'll often leave heartache in their wake...but they're following how they *feel*...and those feelings are intense.

 

It can be hard to ignore the siren's call.

 

 

 

 

I think all dumpee (and even some dumpers) are guilty of this at some point: at first we remember only the good things.

 

However, isn't part of the point of a relationship to be content? Isn't that, in the long run, something we should aspire to have?

 

Not to the point of complacency, of course. There needs to be some growth and excitement for the relationship to thrive...but there also needs to be happiness and stability.

 

Emotional rollercoasters are thrilling and all, but they're exhausting and you can only ride them for so long before you throw up.

[todreaminblue]

oh trust me im far from perfect, look what i am doing ever since ive been dumped, posting stuff like this, on a quest to find the truth, or the reason why. i am completley losing my mind because of this, the only thing keeping me sane is i am not alone. so trust me no one is perfect you are right. but i know one thing i am, and thats not a selfish lying *******

 

 

hey haggard anything unknown can't be counted can it.....

 

 

 

i am a seeker......always wanting to know why when how what and where and it does drive you nuts.....the other poster is right you know it is just human nature people are so different an dunique it is impossible to truly knwo what is in the mind of another.....not all people who have disorders lie and cheat and are really crap.....some people are just really bad at knowing hwo to treat others, has nothing to do with a disorder...the best we can do to move on and or not go crazy, is to forgive them,........because we can be really crap sometimes too, we all hurt someone even when we dont want to ...many times in our life time...hopefully we learn how not to treat someone

 

 

i do have a disorder so i get a little defensive when i shouldnt ...like with my post to you, i was defensive ....not all people who have disorders are out to hurt others...often they are the ones who have been hurt,who do get hurt and are more accepting says this little schizo affective......i know i mess up most people mess up .....we try to learn...all of us....we try and find answers to questions why...some times though i think its only god knows the reason or what is exactly the truth we have to then let go and let him handle the judgement thing....i am sorry you are having a hard time....i hope things really do improve and you find the peace you deserve to feel.. for being defensive i apologize.......huge hugs ....deb

Edited October 24, 2013 by todreaminblue

[dolita]

Thank you for the long post.

Sure, date others

Just dont fake or try too hard, dumpers are smarter than you think.