Married Men Magnet?

[Dreamworld]

Hi everyone. Do you think there are certain women who somehow attract married men unintentionally? Some sort of aura or force that causes them to gravitate towards them more-so than other women?

 

I seem to only attract married men and believe me, I am not saying this because I am secretly enjoying the attention or doing something to give them signs (or I certainly hope not!) I was an OW once and once was enough for me; I learned my lesson and never went back to anything even remotely similar.

 

Yet they are the only ones I seem to attract and when I say firmly (sometimes very very firmly) no to one advance, on comes the next one. I think I treat everyone the same too. Well maybe with some single available guys where there is mutual attraction I may flirt a bit? I am overall a friendly and outgoing person.

 

Does my position as a single mom have anything to do with it? I am in my early 30's if that makes any difference. I have heard there are stereotypes and I am afraid I am starting to develop an inferiority complex..

 

I just started work at a new place and I never do anything one on one with the married men. All of us at work occasionally go out to lunch together. But last week one of them asks me if I would like to do dinner and drinks with him. I said "With your wife? Sure I would love to meet her." He looked uncomfortable and that was the end. And unless I am overreacting, I dont believe the guy "just" wanted dinner and drinks with "just" a female work colleague.

 

I trust that I am being clear on my boundaries but I don't know why this happens so often. I' d like to meet single guys and start dating again but the fact that I have a child makes things a little difficult. Obviously the married ones don't seem to care. And seeing how these ones act I am really starting to lose faith in the concept of marriage too..or maybe I have some kind of sleazeball attraction radar..sigh...thanks.

[Msmahem]

Haha don't lie you do like the attention.

So do I... that's why we're all here on this forum.

I'd like to know the answer to this one too though!

Stroke their egos somehow I'm guessing...

but I think they go for traits like...

 

- naive

- good listener

- fun

- silly

- emotionally unavailable

- lonely

- fickle

- non assertive

- carefree

[thefooloftheyear]

I think some insecure women subconsciously like MM, because they can be less threatening than a single man..They feel like they have a bit more control.. She may not be happy that he isn't spending all of the time with her, but at least she knows where he is likely to be when he isn't and the added "security" of the likelyhood that they only have to worry that he could be potentially having sex with only one other woman(BS-and in many cases he isnt having sex with her) and not anyone else on the street-like a single guy could be..

 

TFY

Edited October 22, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[Dreamworld]

Haha don't lie you do like the attention.

So do I... that's why we're all here on this forum.

I'd like to know the answer to this one too though!

Stroke their egos somehow I'm guessing...

but I think they go for traits like...

 

- naive

- good listener

- fun

- silly

- emotionally unavailable

- lonely

- fickle

- non assertive

- carefree

 

No I really do not like the attention and that is absolutely not why I am on this forum. And I mean that completely. Being an OW was the biggest mistake I made in my life and I regret it and there is never a day that goes without me always being cautious about going anywhere near that path again. I nearly destroyed a marriage, a pregnant wife, her little unborn child, and I nearly destroyed my life and my child's life. The wife had it in her heart to forgive me and spare my reputation or else I would be sitting in jail along with all the other women she sued. I still live with the guilt and remorse and on my bad days they come back strong. I was given another chance to live properly. Your words riled me up big time because it reminds me of what I did. But no way will I ever do anything like that again. Ever.

 

But thank you for responding and your list of traits.

[Dreamworld]

There is evidently something in your mannerism, appearance and general demeanour that makes you approachable. If you are affable and genial with everyone this will obviously attract everyone to you. Single or married.

 

The fact that you say you are attracting married men simply means that those affable signals are being misinterpreted by the married man!

 

Put no more importance to it than the married man's over zealous interpretation and high levels of testosterone and continue as you do, to rebuke their advances.

 

As you say, you have been an OW and didn't much care for it's connotations, and that is a valuable lesson to learn. It indicates that you have a moral sense of value and self respect. Maintain those values and all will be well my dear.

 

A single man will see you for all that you can be, including your child. That much I can virtually promise you. Try mixing in some different circles where you might perhaps be less likely to encounter predatory married men. Good luck.

 

Thank you for your answer. I have been told by everybody I have a very genuine friendly personality; even the new job position they gave me had a lot to do with employee morale and support because they thought I would be good with the people aspect of the job. And I get along well with all the moms at my child's school and what not. I really hope it is just misinterpretation on mm's part and not me, then I will just be patient continuing to fend them off. And guess I will be patient with the single guys too. :)Thanks again.

[Dreamworld]

I think some insecure women subconsciously like MM, because they can be less threatening than a single man..They feel like they have a bit more control.. She may not be happy that he isn't spending all of the time with her, but at least she knows where he is likely to be when he isn't and the added "security" of the likelyhood that they only have to worry that he could be potentially having sex with only one other woman(BS-and in many cases he isnt having sex with her) and not anyone else on the street-like a single guy could be..

 

TFY

 

Thank you for your response. I think I may have thought along those lines once upon a time but not anymore. When I was OW, I was completely selfish and was actually more comfortable with the fact that mm was not available all the time to me. Then I could have my own time. And ironically I learned later that the mm had more women on the side than most of the single guys I knew. Even then I don't think I cared as long as my needs were getting met. Yeah it was a very weak and dark time for me. And yes I was insecure. But now I do not find them less threatening. I find them most threatening. Hope it is not some lingering aftereffect I am sending out:eek:

[Got it]

Yeah I just have a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea that someone's marital status would change their attraction . . . . tactics/desires to where married men would seek someone out but some how single men don't. I really don't understand the distinction.

 

 

I do think that men, in general, tend to throw a number of balls into the air and then will see what sticks. So these could be men who are hitting on many women and you come under fire. Maybe you are reading into things? Maybe you aren't noticing the single men hitting on you? Maybe the statistics of married men to single men is very skewed in your environment so the perception seems to be of more married men.

 

I don't know. Regardless of my affair, I have a very stand offish aura, especially at work, and so am not an easy person to approach. Period. So I don't tend to get hit on or not more than a passing comment as they tend to get crickets.

 

Oddly, my wedding night some kid approached me while myself, my husband, and some of our wedding party was hanging out at the lounge area of the resort. Just came right up to me and asked me out. Shocked the crud out of me. I informed him that I was newly married and not interested and my husband was standing up to educate him further if necessary. I was sitting on the couch with female friends, one got up to leave when this kid plopped himself down. While I wasn't in my wedding dress, hair and make up was still done so not sure what the kid was thinking.

 

I think sometimes men mistake general friendliness as interest. That might be an area you can lock it down some. It is annoying one has to do so but if it annoys you try and be less friendly to men in general. They aren't always good at subtlety.

[thefooloftheyear]

Thank you for your response. I think I may have thought along those lines once upon a time but not anymore. When I was OW, I was completely selfish and was actually more comfortable with the fact that mm was not available all the time to me. Then I could have my own time. And ironically I learned later that the mm had more women on the side than most of the single guys I knew. Even then I don't think I cared as long as my needs were getting met. Yeah it was a very weak and dark time for me. And yes I was insecure. But now I do not find them less threatening. I find them most threatening. Hope it is not some lingering aftereffect I am sending out:eek:

 

I know it happens, but I find it almost impossible to imagine that ANY man could have juggled a wife, kids, OW AND OOW(s)....

 

If you work 8-10 hours a day, sleep another 6-8. how many hours are there, really? Just dont see how it is possible..But I wont argue..I know it has happened..The stress of that would be unimaginable and any perceived benefit would easily be thwarted by the crushing stress over keeping those balls in the air..

 

Glad that you have some clarity..keep it going...

 

TFY

[Msmahem]

Sorry dreamworld I really didn't mean to offend and I'm really sorry that happened to you. It wasn't meant to be personal

 

Can I add denial to the list of traits?

[MsOptimist]

This has happened to me too post separation and divorce.

 

My personality seems to be similar to yours - I'm very friendly and personable to everyone, not just men, and especially not just married men. I don't feel like my demeanor has changed when I was married vs now. I don't feel like I cross lines and flirt with them.

 

When I was married no married men ever hit on me (or single men for that matter). As soon as I was separated, several married men approached me and I was really taken aback. I was meeting new people since I moved to a new area, but I was certainly not seeking out married men.

 

And it's funny that I have a recent serious boyfriend within the past few months. Ever since I've made it clear that I have a boyfriend, the married men have stopped hitting on me. Even when I was single and made a point to ask the marrieds how their wives and kids were whenever I'd see them (in common interest groups), they would still try to message me or take me for coffee, etc.

 

To me it felt like they were definitely playing on my demographic of early 30s and newly single - most of them were mid 40s-50. It was all very strange to me.

[Dreamworld]

This has happened to me too post separation and divorce.

 

My personality seems to be similar to yours - I'm very friendly and personable to everyone, not just men, and especially not just married men. I don't feel like my demeanor has changed when I was married vs now. I don't feel like I cross lines and flirt with them.

 

When I was married no married men ever hit on me (or single men for that matter). As soon as I was separated, several married men approached me and I was really taken aback. I was meeting new people since I moved to a new area, but I was certainly not seeking out married men.

 

And it's funny that I have a recent serious boyfriend within the past few months. Ever since I've made it clear that I have a boyfriend, the married men have stopped hitting on me. Even when I was single and made a point to ask the marrieds how their wives and kids were whenever I'd see them (in common interest groups), they would still try to message me or take me for coffee, etc.

 

To me it felt like they were definitely playing on my demographic of early 30s and newly single - most of them were mid 40s-50. It was all very strange to me.

 

Exactly! That's why I wonder if it's my current status and age and what not. I would like to think I am just reading too much into things but my gut tells me otherwise. And because of my past affair I can for the most part tell when those mm's are feeding me the "lines." There seems to be phases, first phase seemingly innocent "coffee" and then onwards.

And like you MsOptimist, when I was married no one hit on me. And I was married at 22. I don't think my personality has changed then or now either.

 

In my workplace now, (it's a small team) I am one of the oldest employees (my superior is two years younger than me) and the only female with a child. Not only that I am the only one who was married; the rest are all single women in their 20's and we are outnumbered by the men, most of whom are also single men in their 20's to early 30's. The married ones are the minority and yep, it was one of those who asked me out to dinner. Early 40's, married, two young kids. Sheesh. The single ones treat me like their friends' mother or sister. Polite and deferential and all very nice. Not that I am accepting this in the least, but you'd think if you were a MM looking for something else out of the marriage the pretty and young single gals in my office would be much easier er.."targets." But it's always me they er.."target". Well yeah I guess I am a lot friendlier, but still..sigh.

 

I really don't want to think it's the demographic but this kinda thing makes me really wonder sometimes. Thanks so much for the reply!

[thecharade]

Oh, yes. It's possible. Married men often look for women they think may "need" them as a way to get the attention or appreciation they are missing at home. I see it all the time! I have worked at the same place for 25 years, and while some MM are happy and unavailable, others are striking up relationships with women they perceive as 'in need of them' in some way. It is sad, indeed.

 

I have never had any anything with a guy at work, even before I was married. But I do see how they act!

[bentleychic]

I'm in the same position, even age wise and single mom. Probably 5 of the past 8 guys that have asked me out or approached me for...something... since I've gotten out of my marriage, have been married. I still haven't figured out WHY b/c I am not putting off MM magnet vibes. Hell, I'm not even putting out "I'M AVAILABLE!!!" vibes and have right on my facebook that I'm in a relationship. I am nice to EVERYONE and I fear that puts off a vibe that I'm being more than friendly maybe? I really don't know.

 

It's interesting and odd and I wish I could answer your question! LOL All I CAN say is I UNDERSTAND!!! I have started being a bit more brisk with people, particularly the ones that have already previously approached me and I know what they're looking for. I hate acting like that, BUT I feel that it's necessary to put a stop to the attention from them. (Hard sometimes, though b/c one of them is in a band that I LOVE, but I won't even go to their concerts now b/c I don't want to take the chance of him thinking I'm there for him OR of getting in a situation that's difficult to control.)

[thecharade]

No, it is NOT, NOT, NOT the women putting out a vibe! Men often want an A, whether they are aware or not. It is the men. Looking. Approaching. Hoping. And the men hope an older, stressed woman is likely to take their bait? That's what I see. Every stinkin' day.

[Dreamworld]

I know it happens, but I find it almost impossible to imagine that ANY man could have juggled a wife, kids, OW AND OOW(s)....

 

If you work 8-10 hours a day, sleep another 6-8. how many hours are there, really? Just dont see how it is possible..But I wont argue..I know it has happened..The stress of that would be unimaginable and any perceived benefit would easily be thwarted by the crushing stress over keeping those balls in the air..

 

Glad that you have some clarity..keep it going...

 

TFY

 

Yeah, seriously I don't know how they do it, but they find the time to. Maybe they have super relaxed hours at work or something where they have all the time to flirt and go somewhere and chat up women. Or if they are bosses of their own company and have a lot of autonomy. Yikes.

 

Sigh. I guess I just need to be even more cautious and turn down my friendliness a notch around married guys. It's just..I don't know..really discouraging. That it all it can take is a little bit of friendliness and some of these mm's are finding opportunities to cross the line. With my affair I was also responsible for encouraging him so ok, but these ones, not at all.

 

I was a BS once a long time ago (my ex was a doctor who couldn't seem to help getting too close to his female patients) then an OW after my divorce, and currently apparently a "favorite, needy" (sarcasm) choice for married men. Seriously seeing first hand what kinds of things some of these guys are capable of I am terrified of ever getting married again. I think I may just stay single. Sigh.

[Dreamworld]

No, it is NOT, NOT, NOT the women putting out a vibe! Men often want an A, whether they are aware or not. It is the men. Looking. Approaching. Hoping. And the men hope an older, stressed woman is likely to take their bait? That's what I see. Every stinkin' day.

 

Thanks for the reply thecharade. If it really is the stereotype of the divorced, lonely, needy vulnerable and stressed single mom (yes I have heard of this stereotype more times than I'd like to hear, and sometimes you see it in the movies. argh.) at play here, sigh, so offended. Divorced? yes. Nice? I'd like to think so. Lonely, needy and vulnerable? No. At least not now for sure. Stressed? Of course, but that doesn't mean I am going to go relieve it by taking off my clothes for married guys, well, not even single ones.

 

And I really want to hope that I am really really really NOT putting out the vibes. I have done the vibes intentionally before and that put me in an affair faster than you can say "affair". It really is sad, that these mm are so readily available for these kind of things. Again I guess I just need to master the art of being less friendlier.

 

Sometimes I think those blatant single female/male "players" who admit they are players are better people than these lying cheating manipulating married wanderers. At least the former group is honest about who they are.

[Turtles]

Maybe it's not so much that you attract married men more, but that you attract single men less, by having the "baggage" of a child? The kind of mentality where, I would not want to date a single mom with a minor child, but I wouldn't say no to a night with her, see what I mean? So from that point of view you are doing the right thing by refusing any involvement with a married man.

[Got it]

Exactly! That's why I wonder if it's my current status and age and what not. I would like to think I am just reading too much into things but my gut tells me otherwise. And because of my past affair I can for the most part tell when those mm's are feeding me the "lines." There seems to be phases, first phase seemingly innocent "coffee" and then onwards.

And like you MsOptimist, when I was married no one hit on me. And I was married at 22. I don't think my personality has changed then or now either.

 

In my workplace now, (it's a small team) I am one of the oldest employees (my superior is two years younger than me) and the only female with a child. Not only that I am the only one who was married; the rest are all single women in their 20's and we are outnumbered by the men, most of whom are also single men in their 20's to early 30's. The married ones are the minority and yep, it was one of those who asked me out to dinner. Early 40's, married, two young kids. Sheesh. The single ones treat me like their friends' mother or sister. Polite and deferential and all very nice. Not that I am accepting this in the least, but you'd think if you were a MM looking for something else out of the marriage the pretty and young single gals in my office would be much easier er.."targets." But it's always me they er.."target". Well yeah I guess I am a lot friendlier, but still..sigh.

 

I really don't want to think it's the demographic but this kinda thing makes me really wonder sometimes. Thanks so much for the reply!

 

I think based on your past you may be hyper sensitive to these dynamics and may be right but may be wrong that every time a man asks you for coffee it is for nefarious reasons. Unless they are propositioning you I think it is a bit of an assumption they are twirling their mustaches and imagining the evil things they will do to your person.

 

Again it may be. I do think with younger generations there is a more relaxed relationship between the sexes so blurred lines may be there and neither party realizes or thinks anything about it.

 

But it is fine that you aren't interested and want to maintain very tight boundaries. That is your right and your choice. I just think we might be doing a great deal of speculating without definitive evidence.

[Dreamworld]

I think based on your past you may be hyper sensitive to these dynamics and may be right but may be wrong that every time a man asks you for coffee it is for nefarious reasons. Unless they are propositioning you I think it is a bit of an assumption they are twirling their mustaches and imagining the evil things they will do to your person.

 

Again it may be. I do think with younger generations there is a more relaxed relationship between the sexes so blurred lines may be there and neither party realizes or thinks anything about it.

 

But it is fine that you aren't interested and want to maintain very tight boundaries. That is your right and your choice. I just think we might be doing a great deal of speculating without definitive evidence.

 

Thanks. I would like to think I am being sensitive but sadly I have been right most of the time. I wish it were me. That is a lot less discouraging. But all in all even if I am completely wrong at times I would rather not risk it.

[MsOptimist]

I think based on your past you may be hyper sensitive to these dynamics and may be right but may be wrong that every time a man asks you for coffee it is for nefarious reasons. Unless they are propositioning you I think it is a bit of an assumption they are twirling their mustaches and imagining the evil things they will do to your person.

 

Again it may be. I do think with younger generations there is a more relaxed relationship between the sexes so blurred lines may be there and neither party realizes or thinks anything about it.

 

But it is fine that you aren't interested and want to maintain very tight boundaries. That is your right and your choice. I just think we might be doing a great deal of speculating without definitive evidence.

 

Initially when the marrieds were approaching me I wanted to believe it was all innocent and friendly with no other undertones. I did notice that they didn't seem to be singling me out within our common interest groups and that they were very friendly with the other females as well.

 

But what I found odd was the similarities in which they operated. First they would friend me on social media. No problem, I have a lot of guy friends on there and they were also mutual friends with the other females in the groups.

 

They weren't open with the fact that they were married. None wore rings or ever talked about their wives. There was one that I had no idea was married until I did some searching on social media, he had it very well hidden. Then they would start to private message me. First about specific event details. Ok, not a problem, however, that could have been asked in public. Then they would try to get more chatty with me. That's where I stopped replying and just ignored them.

 

I don't think I was misreading it all, and I would consult with my girl friends and they agreed it was creepy. They flat out asked me to text them something or wanted my phone number. They wanted to meet up and run/bike just the two of us. One messaged me one day that he was paddle boarding near my house and wanted me to come and meet up with him. I never replied to any of these messages but they still tried to engage me in these messages.

 

An innocent coffee is one thing and fine, but when they want to pay for it and give me hugs goodbye then it seemed to become about something else.

[Got it]

Then absolutely don't risk it. Make sure things are done as groups, stick to same sex, etc. There are ways to navigate around things without compromising your boundaries.

 

I tend to see things like this for work. There is the "real" you and then there is the "work" you. The work you is a compilations of attributes that are your natural attributes but also ones that you have adapted for your workplace, position, etc. This person is the one that navigates the day to day at the office, so if there is an issue and you are in conflict it is not the real you that is taking the hits.

 

So while I am much friendlier in my "real" life, because of my position, responsibilities, etc. I am seen as much colder at the workplace. I do this to distance myself, to continue a facade that is beneficial for my position, and to not open myself up and be more vulnerable with co-workers. Because I also work with family I have greatly learned how to compartmentalize these areas so it isn't personal, it is just business.

 

So you don't have to stop being the nice person but be more selective with whom you show that to. Not everyone needs or deserves to see the real you. Build a work persona and navigate through that. I have a few coworkers that I am friends with outside of work but we understand that while in the office, it is about business and there is no special treatment, etc. while there. It is about work.

 

Few people are allowed the privilege of getting based my facade and meeting the real me. But this has served me well in the workplace and so I know that being more cautious is a better chance to get to know other people and learn who they really are. I have been thrown under the bus enough times to know that caution is the best approach. But, for me, I know that the people that are close to me are quality and really do care about me.

[Got it]

Initially when the marrieds were approaching me I wanted to believe it was all innocent and friendly with no other undertones. I did notice that they didn't seem to be singling me out within our common interest groups and that they were very friendly with the other females as well.

 

But what I found odd was the similarities in which they operated. First they would friend me on social media. No problem, I have a lot of guy friends on there and they were also mutual friends with the other females in the groups.

 

They weren't open with the fact that they were married. None wore rings or ever talked about their wives. There was one that I had no idea was married until I did some searching on social media, he had it very well hidden. Then they would start to private message me. First about specific event details. Ok, not a problem, however, that could have been asked in public. Then they would try to get more chatty with me. That's where I stopped replying and just ignored them.

I don't think I was misreading it all, and I would consult with my girl friends and they agreed it was creepy. They flat out asked me to text them something or wanted my phone number. They wanted to meet up and run/bike just the two of us. One messaged me one day that he was paddle boarding near my house and wanted me to come and meet up with him. I never replied to any of these messages but they still tried to engage me in these messages.

 

An innocent coffee is one thing and fine, but when they want to pay for it and give me hugs goodbye then it seemed to become about something else.

 

Okay, I just can't relate to this at all. I have never experienced this nor multiple incidents of it. I travel a great deal, work in a very large company and this is just outside my scope of understanding. Maybe this is your industry, workplace, or something. But this is extremely odd. Plus I just don't mingle with coworkers this much. When I am working I am focused on work so I don't think I have enough "down time" opportunities to even engage in this manner.

 

I also am not linked to coworkers on anything outside of LinkedIn which is only professional connections and Facebook is completely personal and no one tied to my professional life (except for my husband of course).

 

When I am at work I focus on work. I tend to eat at my desk, will do some business lunches but rarely, meet with my department, executives, etc. but focus on why I am there. I rarely discuss my personal life and in fact was shocked the number of people who knew I was getting married when I took time off as as hardly discussed my engagement outside of my ring being worn.

 

My advice, when at work focus on work, focus on your career and stop engaging with coworkers, male and female about your personal life. This is will help lock this down significantly.

[MsOptimist]

None of these married men interactions were through work, they were through running groups. I've never had this happen at work, although I act the same act work as I do wherever else. I know how to act professional but am not a huge fan of compartmentalizing my life. What you see if who I am whether it be at work or elsewhere. Running groups are more social of course, but usually we all just geek out on running.

 

I am very selective about who I add to social media. If I don't know someone very well in person I don't add them. I see these married men all the time at various groups and feel like I know these running people pretty well and do consider them friends. That's why I wasn't more abrupt with calling them out on these private invitations.

 

Like I said, now that I have a boyfriend they have scattered LOL. I still see them at groups and say hi, but they don't message me any longer.

[KathyM]

I doubt there's something specifically about you that is attracting only married men. I've known women who were single, divorced, separated, and married who got hit on by married men. And women anywhere from teenagers to much older, kids or no kids. I've been hit on by MM since I was a teenager as well, and still do as a middle aged married lady. They'll hit on anyone, no matter how unlikely it is that the woman will take them up on the offer. So it's nothing about you, unless word has gotten around that you have been with a MM, then they might think you would be up for it.

[Dreamworld]

I doubt there's something specifically about you that is attracting only married men. I've known women who were single, divorced, separated, and married who got hit on by married men. And women anywhere from teenagers to much older, kids or no kids. I've been hit on by MM since I was a teenager as well, and still do as a middle aged married lady. They'll hit on anyone, no matter how unlikely it is that the woman will take them up on the offer. So it's nothing about you, unless word has gotten around that you have been with a MM, then they might think you would be up for it.

 

Oops guess they moved my thread here. Maybe there will be more opinions from different people:) yeah maybe I am just seeing more of one side from my tinted glasses. Thanks for your thoughts!