MassiveAtom Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 Here's a twist, How can ex spouses become friends, Is this just another take it slow? How the hell are we supposed to be friends? I tgoing to take a tremendous amount of forgiveness, a whole lot of patience and then what? DO I Have to be friends with this person, I 've never felt such disdain for another before. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 I read an interesting article, which I think was in Newsweek about divorced families remaining friends and sharing holidays together (like Christmas) with the ex (mother and father) and the new step-mom and new step-dad and how this environment is healthy for the children and most members in the family. If I can find the magazine I'll tell you which issue it was in (just in case you want to peruse it). Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by MassiveAtom How the hell are we supposed to be friends? I tgoing to take a tremendous amount of forgiveness, a whole lot of patience and then what? DO I Have to be friends with this person, I 've never felt such disdain for another before. Do not be friends with an ex unless you have kids together. Period! End of story. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose in this scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted December 10, 2004 Author Share Posted December 10, 2004 I get these twinges of possibility every so often, but I really just don't wnat to be bothered being her friend. I guess in some way I could, BU tI really don't. I generally RESPECT my friends. I've lost just about all of the respect I did have for this person. Yes Pocky, a link to that article would be great! I tried just talking to her last night, but all that could come out of my mouth was, "Please LEAVE," Everything she does irritates me now, where I used to be able to look around and past it. Now that the love blinders are off, I'm asking myself, "What the hell!?!? Why did I even like this person?!?! MY criteria for friends are simple, they have to be fun to be with, have something in common with me, and have a personality that I can at the very least tolerate. 1 out of 3 doesn't bode well for friendship. Maybe I'm just a little bitter right now. Ah well, back to forgiving. MA Link to post Share on other sites
Dakini Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 MA: If you love your children, try to be civil to, and perhaps even in the future, friends with your ex. My mother made my life a living hell because of her hatred for my father, even to the point of moving continents. I will never forgive her for her utterly thoughtless, self-centered, selfish attitude in this regard. If you want a good relationship with your children, make the effort. Link to post Share on other sites
X. Benedict Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 I guess it all depends on the grounds for your divorce. If you someone cheated, the chances are next to nil. However, if it's a matter of someone falling out of love, irreconcilable differences or something less caustic than infidelity; continuing as friends might not be a bad idea. Give yourself some time to heal and then take things slowly, but don’t expect anything in return. Keep in mind that at some point in your life you felt strongly enough about this person to marry her. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 I have been separated from my ex/husband for 10 years now and have made an extreme effort to get along and re-establish a friendship with my ex. It's not about the adults.............It's about the children. As a matter of fact.....I am sleeping at my ex's on Christmas eve to share Christmas morning with the children. My ex will be alone this year and even though I personally would love to leave him alone (because it's MY Christmas morning with the kids) I can't do it. I know how it feels and even though I have no love for this man......these are the sacrafices we make for the Children. bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted December 10, 2004 Author Share Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by Bubbles I have been separated from my ex/husband for 10 years now and have made an extreme effort to get along and re-establish a friendship with my ex. It's not about the adults.............It's about the children. As a matter of fact.....I am sleeping at my ex's on Christmas eve to share Christmas morning with the children. My ex will be alone this year and even though I personally would love to leave him alone (because it's MY Christmas morning with the kids) I can't do it. I know how it feels and even though I have no love for this man......these are the sacrafices we make for the Children. bubbles Well, Then I just don't agree.. What benefit is it to the kids that my STBX and I are friends? If we can maintain a civil comportment with each other and settle our differences without drama, then what's the point of being friends? Why is it better that we have limited warm fuzzies for each other? Why would I afford someone the dignity of the title of "my friend," if indeed the actions of that person are not friendly. Are we defining "Friends" as above? C'mon, are we not doing a little disconnect with the bottom-line reality here? Let me qualify something. I respect my friends, would never use anything they tell me against them, can support them through tough times in life, and really like to spend time with them. I expect similar from them. Unfortunately, that's what I always thought marriage was all about. Because we WERE friends first, I expected that all of the things that allowed us to have a good friendship also would make a good romantic relationship, when that was good too, I expected the same things would enable and stregnthen the marriage.. I was wrong! As for "the children" They will be provided for, loved and brought up understanding that sacrificing for another person, no matter who it is, is a bad idea. Sacrifice is self injurious, and NOT in the best interests of children. If sacrifices were good, and noble, Divorce would not exist. The parties would sacrifice everything for the kids, even their own selves. But that's not what happens. When taken to it's logical conclusion, sacrifice is harmful to everyone. Sacrificing yourself is NOT a noble act. Compromise on the other hand, Consensus on the other hand, now there are positive concepts. They all take work, but are certainly not injurious. If my ex begins to behave such that she warrants the consideration of me affixing the title of "friend" to her, then I will consider it. But she is certainly NOT acting like a friend. more like a mercenary. She's not an enemy, but certainly NOT my friend. MA Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 I also grew up with divorced parents that wouldn't speak to each other. It is a very misearable way to live your childhood. Don't put your kids through that. I am divorced from my daughter's father. He was physically abusive to me when we were married. However, he is a reasonably good father, not abusive at all to our daughter. I, obviously, had a lot of anger towards him when we divorced. However, I worked through it on my own, with the help of a counselor. I refuse to involve my child in my problem with her father. Consequently, I have to get along with him, and I do. We divorced 11 years ago, and I wouldn't say we are friends, but we do go to functions involving our daughter together. We talk on the phone about our daughter, and about his family that I am still close to, and other things of mutual interest. The trick to being able to do this, is to leave your anger behind with your marriage. Being angry with your wife is not going to change anything, it won't make her a better person or better wife. It took me 2 or 3 years to finally get to the place where I could do that. You may not be quite ready to leave the man/woman relationship behind however since you are just in the beginning of your divorce. Just remember that your children are the most important thing here. Nothing else really matters at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 I am also a child of Divorced parents. They hated eachother so badly that I was NEVER allowed to mention my father or even tell a story that had anything to do with him. It was vice versa with in my father's home. It was absolutly aweful. It took until I was getting married that I told my parents that if they thought that I was going to have two weddings just to keep them happy then they had another thing coming. I told them that they BOTH needed to Grow the hell up and stop playing you stupid hate games with eachother using ME. I told them that if they wanted to attend the wedding of THEIR ONLY CHILD.......that they would have to be in the same room and if they did'nt want to be in the same room with eachother?.......then don't damn well come to the wedding.........This is MY day! Not Yours!!! I remembered exactly how I felt for years and years....devestating! Lonely & un-loved because I was a product of the person that each of them hated. Imagine that huh? My life is the reason why I made it a point of stopping the cycle of hatred and anger when I got divorced. I told my ex that he had better hurry up and get past his anger because the children will only be young once and he's going to miss everything just because he's angry. Oh well, the marriage did'nt work.....oh well........get over it! Stop thinking about yourself and walk in your childrens shoes just for one HOLIDAY! bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted December 10, 2004 Author Share Posted December 10, 2004 Bubbles you had me going there for a moment talking about your own experiences as a child and how badly your parents adjust. Then you lost me when you broke judgemental. Kinda dropped the bottom out of the other stuff you said. BTW, do you know what my kids see when My wife and I have an exchange in front of them? Let me paint a picture. I'll either not respond to my STBXW constantly reminding to do all the things I never forget to do. OR I'll respond flatly and plain. I understand civility, but friends? Maybe it's just semantics. MA Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 Massive Atom, Are you referring the : "Oh well the marriage did'nt work......Oh well" sorry I guess I should have put that in quotations. I said that to MY ex husband.......not you! That would just be flat out rude. That's not what I meant to have it pertaining to you - at all. Make sence now? bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted December 10, 2004 Author Share Posted December 10, 2004 Yep! THat was it, I thought you were talking directly to me . THat would've been rude. I'm now pretty sure you understand that I'm here to get help with the changing perspectives I have to integrate! Thanks, though. great comments! MA Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 MasiveAtom, I'm glad that you spoke up and pointed that comment out that you didn't like. That gave me a chance to explain myself. People come to LoveShack looking for help......not insults. How long have you and the wife been separated/divorced? That plays a huge role in your transition. Everthing takes time but.........you have to work on your role in your children's life and also your role in your ex's life also. In your own mind you need to set boundaries as to what you are willing to talk to her about and what your'e not willing to talk to her about. If there are personnal issues that the two of you need to discuss then I suggest that you take the discussion out of the home. Don't allow HER to be the reason that you do not visit with your kids!!! Please!!!! I personnally know a lot of men who do not want to go and pick up their kids because of the ex wife and the children end up suffering because of the adult actions. Don't EVER let a woman be the reason that you don't see your kids......don't let her win like that. This is not a game and if she wants to treat it like one......then so be it.......you be the bigger man. Pick up your kids. Spend the best time you can with them. Make sure you laugh and tell them that you love them. Just the simple fact that you are here at Loveshack tells me that you want to be the best Dad that you can be and you need to vent a little bit just to feel better. Well! Vent away Massive.......vent away.......we're all her for you when you need us! bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted December 10, 2004 Author Share Posted December 10, 2004 Bubbles, You ought to search my nickname, I've been doing a LOT of venting! And that quality of being able to clarify is a good one! You know, you're right. The best thing I can do is make myself whole. I really did a number on my self-esteem in this marriage. It's like I gave EVERYTHING and had nothing left to give. Which also meant I had nothing for myself, and wasn't worth much to anyone. I was resentful, angry, and pretty much unpleasant. And when I started rebuilding myself she says she wants to leave. Heartless! We aren't separated. That happens next saturday December 18th. But actually I can't wait until it does! I'm pretty sick of her whole person, right now. I've been going back and forth about whether or not to go to my Men's divorce support group on that day, or hang out at the house with the kids while she moves. I thought about dropping it that day and every saturday because as she says, "You don't want to be there for the girls?" and because it would make it easier for her. The kids know what's going on, I talk to my oldest daughter (6) about it often. She's open and forthright with me and seems to be doing as well as can be expected. My youngest (2.5) is just happy all the time. So I chose to go to my group meeting. The best thing for them is a happy dad, not one stuck in resentment, and anger, which is what happens to me on the weekends. So I'm not going to be there when my wife and all her buddies (guys) start moving, I'll be back at noon to pick 'em up and take them to my parents for the afternoon. MA Link to post Share on other sites
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