Do Not Tell the W

[nytgirl]

Truthfully, I wish that were the case, but no -- he's not with his wife anymore and he's with this new person. I think among so many things, the part I hate is that he was telling me and telling his wife that he was focused on repairing his marriage, when really he was seeing this other woman behind her back, and there I was, being his confident on the phone, believing him and thinking he was figuring out his marriage truthfully. I'd even volunteered dozens of times to cut contact with him, bc I thought even our speaking was a distraction, but since it was long distance and innocuous enough, I don't think in the end it really played into anything, but she did.

[awkward]

I hate that he lied to you. You will be fine though. Also, I am AMA (Advanced Maternal Age) and recently had a little one. Please don't waste another minute on this guy. You need to start living your life.

 

This had nothing to do with your threats. Nothing. And he is basically saying he strung you along for years because he was afraid that you would out him and his OOW. How many OOW has he had since you?

 

Mark my words. This guy will be back trying to make you the OW to his new girlfriend (OOW).

[jlola]

Please watch this video. Knowledge is power!

 

 

Edited October 22, 2013 by jlola

[Spark1111]

I have just been going by what he told me, and what he told me is that what made him "fall out of love" (his words) with me, was the fact that I threatened the marriage. He told me that's unethical, to expose someone when you knowingly got in a relationship with a MM. Which is right, I suppose....I don't know? When we got together, it was all we talked about, I'm not delusional -- we wanted a future together. I pressed the issue after a year (when?? I would ask him) and then because I was so in love with him and tired, confused, I said maybe I should tell her myself (I said that a number of times). He took it to mean I was a monster, not the nice person he fell for (honestly outside of this situation, I'm so nice -- I feel like I was in the Twilight Zone in this affair, and I wanted it to stop being an affair, so badly, I just wanted a real relationship.

 

Now I am just hurting the way anyone hurts after a breakup, and I'm in disbelief about the new woman and his whole situation. He's essentially living with her, even though he was still working on his marriage in August.

 

And just to clarify, my relationship with him since the days where I was pressing him, has not at all been sexual, I took that off the table when it was clear he wasn't leaving his wife -- since then, he had never told me about this other other woman, we'd been keeping in touch though and essentially I've just been his ear as he went through his separation -- supportive, compassionate, and yes....waiting for him (which he knew).

 

Oh give me a break PULLEAZE from having that fantasy relationship where I am the always big, gap-toothed smiling, perpetually happy, validating, cheer leading relationship with an immature man!

 

What are we? Stuck in the high school cafeteria??...

 

what is HE? 17? Took sex off the table, did ya? And made realistic demands, like an adult??

 

YOU dodged a bullet.

[Spark1111]

Always Growing, you are of course right -- do not get involved with a married person. I truly have learned my lesson and never will again.

 

For all the other comments, maybe I am still in some kind of haze after my conversation with him last night, and so many things I didn't know coming to the light.

 

When I was trying to force him to deal with his life, his marriage, that drove him against me, especially since he hadn't thought I would be a vindictive person, and that behavior came as a shock to him. It came as a shock to me, too -- honestly. I had never thought I'd reach such a point, I wanted to think of myself as compassionate and understanding (because I am, so much) -- but I was tired of the lies, of being second best, and I wanted his wife to know what was really going on in her marriage. A huge part of me even wanted them to fix it, I didn't think the world needed another broken marriage. It's all hypocritical because I was the OW...I know that.

 

I feel like my forcing him toward looking at reality cleared the path for the Other OW -- she never had to force him to leave his marriage, because by the time he met her and had feeling develop so quickly for her, he finally realised that isn't part of a healthy marriage dynamic. So she wasn't the Other OW for very long -- definitely for parts of it while he split from his wife she was -- they were clandestine -- and the wife (ex wife I now I guess) she still doesn't know about the Other OW, but at least she knows her marriage wasn't stable or strong like she had thought it. But it hurts, because who knows what the Other OW would have done had she been in my shoes -- but in his eyes, she's calmer and more stable than I was, because she was able to wait him out. It helped that they were/are in the same city -- he could reassure her that eventually he would be out.

 

For me, right now, yes -- I feel terrible, like I ruined my chance with him. We really were so good and to think I turned someone against me in my weakness -- it's such a hard thing to know that I could have been with him had I not have done that. That statistic someone cited, I think it must be wrong or far too low, because most OW I know do end up with the AP and of course this Other OW has ended up with him now. He's in his 50s and it looks like he really wants her to be the last one he's ever unfaithful to.

 

I'm still dizzy from him telling me how he really feels about me -- that he fell out of love with me for trying to get him to tell the truth, for threatening that I would (I never did). He says he's still scared of me, that I might tell, even though I've never threatened since those days, I never would have told her and it was just a way to try to get him thinking of what he was doing to his wife. He says the trust between him and I was ruined that year and will never be repaired and it feels just devastating.

 

Well, maybe you could have had some fun during the limerance stage and mourn the ending of all that by actually expecting him to fulfill YOUR relational need for commitment. And exclusivity. And honesty towards his,wife.

 

But you never would have made it long term, as in, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health....

 

He is not afraid of you, he is scared of reality. You were his fun fantasy and you actually had the gall to expect more from him. you ruined his trust by wanting him to be an upstanding guy and actually tell his wife the TRUTH????

 

How DARE you expect him to be a GROWN-UP!

 

And you feel badly you ruined what exactly? his pressure free, risk free, good time without reality intruding?

 

You seem like a smart lady and I think you know better than that.

[ComingInHot]

So, OP, you're saying it's better for the OW to be "living the lie" while the BW is "living the dream"??

[nytgirl]

I think what I am essentially saying is, if you

are the OW and you get to a point where you

want to take it upon yourself to tell the W, think

twice. That is his news to tell. Your best course of

action is to go NC and let things go. If he ends

up leaving his marriage, then he will only associate

his memories of you as good ones, and he'll see you as

someone who had the self respect to walk and that

you are not the one who forced his hand. Me I was so

in love and so overwhelmed by what I thought was the

right thing for him to finally do, that I threatened to tell

his W myself and in doing so I came off as a bunny boiler

and unstable (even though my usual personality is level headed).

He remembers that chapter of me more strongly than all

the lovely chapters of me and I am sure it's the strongest reason why

he has chosen this other woman over me.

 

Even the last few weeks since I found out, I have given him such

a hard time for being with her during the end of his M and early days

of his separation. I kept saying he should not have been "working on his

marriage" while he was emotionally and physically involved with

someone else. But he says he knows his feelings and he was able to

separate the two things in his mind, and the OW was understanding

while he figured it all out in his mind. She stood alongside him for

18 months and his W still doesn't have a clue. She was fighting for the

marriage, they had counselling etc, but all the time he had the ow. I just

thought she should know.

 

Maybe I just don't understand men.

[cif]

for

18 months and his W still doesn't have a clue. She was fighting for the

marriage, they had counselling etc, but all the time he had the ow. I just

thought she should know.

 

.

So this MM was faced with two women of differing moral codes:

 

One, who wanted him to do the right thing by his wife and tell her the truth that way they could build a future not based on lies and deception.

 

Another, who stood in the sidelines for a year and a half while he fake reconciled with his wife, pretended to want a future with her, led her on and she didn't think it was wrong enough to say anything.

 

In your opinion who is the better woman?

 

Personally i think you should be happy this ruthless man isn't in your life.

Edited October 26, 2013 by cif

[ComingInHot]

nytgirl, now THAT was a great explanation. Thank you!!

 

And I'm w/you on NOT understanding some of these M'd people (both MM/MW)! There seems, as in your A stitch, a giant lack of human compassion & empathy w/their the dark, screwed up souls.

 

And even though we are on opposite ends in our A experiences, I feel for you. I think more than others? Because you have kind of been a... BOW (betrayed OW?* ) Your last post depicted that quite well and I could relate.

 

As for tell/Not tell? Thing is, every stich, however monotonously the Same in that an A is an A is an A, have different undertones. I Never would have known the Truth about our M or have known I could Change our relationship, until exOW emailed me after My H ended the A & dropped her. I'll be greatful to her for letting me know, always.

 

...but that was My stitch...

 

Best to you nytgirl*

CIH

[LaceyFace]

Almost sound similar to my situation....but my insecurities over his reluctance to tell me things and feel as if I am that one when im treated as disposable is killing our once amazing relationship. I know I should walk away but when your heart cares, it's so hard. I often fear someone else besides the wife/soon to be ex wife.....

I try to tell myself what is ment to be will be, and I feel strong one minute, but weak the next.

I'm good at giving advice but not listening to myself.

Apparently you were good enough for him, but he felt torn. So he eliminated both of you. I'm sure he cares still. But being that other woman opens up a lot of tension that never seems to go away no matter what the situation is. Be strong. I vow to myself after this....I don't know how to move on or even try to let go, but never again am I getting involved with someone who was married or ready to separate. It's an emotional train wreck.

[ImpatientRabbit]

But here's the clincher -- my threats so ruined the dynamic between he and I, that last night, after me investing 3.5 years of my life and the "better" part of my 30s into him, he told me he could not be with me, because he can never love me like he did before the threats. That that changed me in his mind. He met someone else just before he separated -- I was aware of her but not aware of the relationship -- and they are together now. He's in love with her and very happy.

 

I know the reaction from others was to assume you were given a load of BS and probably cheated on by the guy you were cheating with, but I just wanna say I know what you're talking about here because I was in a very similar situation. Except I *did* tell her husband.

 

We had started talking on Twitter in January. Both married, but not happily. We weren't seeking anything but bonded more closely than we even realized. In February, she happened to have a layover at an airport near me and I agreed to meet her. After all, what could happen in an airport? Well long story short, she wound up not getting on the plane that night. We fell in love hard but couldn't see each other frequently so we were forced to build our emotional and intellectual connection without a lot of sex. We had a long-distance relationship for a few months and we both said we wanted more. She said she wanted her marriage to end because of the problems that existed long before I came along. (Mainly the fact that he worked 1000 miles away for 5 years, leaving her to raise 2 small children by herself.) Before things got serious, my wife was catching on and I just flat out told her I wanted a divorce and was in love with someone else.

 

She had told me several times that she would tell her husband about us and start dismantling the marriage, but she could never get the nerve to go through with it. Finally after driving from NJ to OH only to learn that she once again backed out of telling him, I flipped out. I emailed him, she intercepted it. I sent him a letter, it went to the wrong office. So I called him on the phone and told him. He was yelling, wanted to kill me, etc. But whereas I thought it would get him to give up and make the decision to leave for her, it just made him hang on and try to save the marriage, even though he wasn't quite getting it that the cheating was a symptom, not a cause of their problems.

 

Oddly enough, she and I still stayed in touch almost daily and before long, we were back to seeing each other behind his back. I'd later wind up getting frustrated again and telling him that she was still seeing me. They finally started addressing their dysfunctional marriage. He moved back to be around full-time. It was hard for her because while his absence had allowed her to avoid the difficult conversations, he was now there all the time and she hated it. And things were never the same between her and I.

 

Finally, in October, she got him to agree to separate and move out and I was all set to be with her in Minneapolis where they now live and 2 days before I leave, she tells me she's going to stay with him (even though she's miserable with him) so that the kids don't have to go through the pain of divorce. I really can't see it working and I am 99% sure they will eventually divorce anyway.

 

But I ultimately think by taking that choice away from her instead of just being a little more patient, that I changed the "why are we getting divorced" discussion to focus on her guilt and lies instead of what it should have been about -- his willingness to be away from his family for weeks at a time for 5 years.

 

I'd give anything to go back to the way things were from January - May, but after June, it was never really the same. And just last week she ended it with me so she could do this pretend happy marriage thing for her kids' sake.

 

So yeah -- I agree that it's not our place to make that decision for them. If we aren't able to wait it out, we should have just walked instead of talked.

Edited November 8, 2013 by ImpatientRabbit

[2sunny]

Hi,

 

I'm a long time lurker here, and have decided to tell some of my story, share my advice, in hopes it will help some of the OWs on this forum. It won't be advice that resonates with everyone, but if it helps those it resonates with, then that's why I'm sharing.

 

Three and a half years ago, I met the man of my dreams, with the only problem being that he was married. It was an immediate and intense mutual attraction, and over the course of a year, our relationship grew incredibly deep. For a year, I was able -- mostly -- to keep my wits about me. I was being patient with him regarding his marriage, not wanting to rush him or ruffle feathers. He had no kids and was in a functional, but not close marriage, and he was very very confused about it. There were mitigating states all around that time in our lives -- things that were happening in his career and with his W's health that made it difficult for him to get space and clear his head to figure out what he really wanted, what he wanted to do (divorce, fix the marriage, end things with me, etc.).

 

During that time, as we were long distance, I was coping with my life alone. I'd had a lot of difficult things happen in my life, and no real support network -- he was the one I turned to. We turned to each other, actually.

 

But as time wore on, I started to break. My personal issues and the issues and stresses in his life that I was shouldering with him were breaking me down -- it was too much for me to handle with strength usually required of such things. And I wanted him with ME to help me with these things, and to give himself fully over to our relationship.

 

We started talking about it -- sanely, at first...I made him aware of my position, that I was getting so weary of waiting, and also because of my age at the time, my biological clock was ticking. I was doing the math -- a year for him to end his marriage, another year for us to build a life together, to then start trying for kids (as we both wanted), which could maybe take awhile. I got scared it was all going to take too long, I was nearing my mid-30s, and the math was putting us at my late 30s for a real life together.

 

And so I ended up issuing him an ultimatum -- TELL HER, I begged him. No, he would respond. He wasn't ready, he wasn't sure. TELL HER, I would beg him again and again. After this went in circles, I told him I would tell her myself. I reasoned she deserved to know of his deceit, she deserved all the information about her marriage in order to make her own decisions about her life, I felt he was holding her hostage -- she really was definitely clueless about his affair with me. Things heated up between he and I over this, really badly -- he didn't want me to tell, and the stresses in his life compounded with these threats of mine. He was so scared. He loved his wife -- if not as a "wife" -- than as a person and he didn't want to hurt her like this. He wanted his marriage to end for other reasons, on other terms.

 

Eventually, I backed down. I got my wits about me and I never told her. But the damage it did to he and I, 3.5 years later, is still palpable. We never stopped being in touch after my threats, and I felt all was understood and forgiven, that he understood the hard place I had been in and why I had lost my mind there for awhile (I didn't boil any bunnies, I just cried a lot and threatened). Over the course of the following year he separated from her and she never found out about he and I, and they are headed for an amicable divorce, on their own terms.

 

But here's the clincher -- my threats so ruined the dynamic between he and I, that last night, after me investing 3.5 years of my life and the "better" part of my 30s into him, he told me he could not be with me, because he can never love me like he did before the threats. That that changed me in his mind. He met someone else just before he separated -- I was aware of her but not aware of the relationship -- and they are together now. He's in love with her and very happy.

 

I feel like I ruined the best thing in my life, and so my advice to all the OWs out there is if you feel like you are losing your mind amid the stress of your affair, take a break, do anything to get your strength and mental health in line, but never ever tell the wife. That is their story together, that is his news to tell, and even the threats of it -- they will never serve you well.

 

Take it from me.

 

Boy, he really snowed you!

 

Threats? Telling truth isn't a threat - he was only covering his own a$$.

 

Call and tell the wife he's divorcing! Tell his new GF too - she should know he cheats with multiple women while married!

 

Stop buying into his BS - he's a liar!

 

Date single men only!

[2sunny]

I think what I am essentially saying is, if you

are the OW and you get to a point where you

want to take it upon yourself to tell the W, think

twice. That is his news to tell. Your best course of

action is to go NC and let things go. If he ends

up leaving his marriage, then he will only associate

his memories of you as good ones, and he'll see you as

someone who had the self respect to walk and that

you are not the one who forced his hand. Me I was so

in love and so overwhelmed by what I thought was the

right thing for him to finally do, that I threatened to tell

his W myself and in doing so I came off as a bunny boiler

and unstable (even though my usual personality is level headed).

He remembers that chapter of me more strongly than all

the lovely chapters of me and I am sure it's the strongest reason why

he has chosen this other woman over me.

 

Even the last few weeks since I found out, I have given him such

a hard time for being with her during the end of his M and early days

of his separation. I kept saying he should not have been "working on his

marriage" while he was emotionally and physically involved with

someone else. But he says he knows his feelings and he was able to

separate the two things in his mind, and the OW was understanding

while he figured it all out in his mind. She stood alongside him for

18 months and his W still doesn't have a clue. She was fighting for the

marriage, they had counselling etc, but all the time he had the ow. I just

thought she should know.

 

Maybe I just don't understand men.

 

This is the perspective of a very weak gal.

 

You have every right to feel and say what you want!

 

Don't EVER allow a man to bully you into changing your mind or brow beating you into submission.

 

I still think you should tell his wife the truth - even now!

[curiousGeorge2]

As a mm myself, I can say a majority of men take forever to be ready to commit but also take forever to end a marriage even though the marriage is not good.

 

On the other hand, from my experience many women are more ready to commit. This even applies to women who have everything going for them: smart, beautiful, and married into rich families.

[thefooloftheyear]

As a mm myself, I can say a majority of men take forever to be ready to commit but also take forever to end a marriage even though the marriage is not good.

 

On the other hand, from my experience many women are more ready to commit. This even applies to women who have everything going for them: smart, beautiful, and married into rich families.

 

 

So true.....Its just the differences between men and women....Men tend to be more rational and pragmatic, while women tend to be driven by pure emotion and impulse....Im not saying that as a slight...Sometimes overthinking a situation winds up being counter-productive...I wish I acted more impulsive at times-quite frankly..

 

 

TFY

[nytgirl]

....my question now is -- do I tell the "new" girlfriend about how my xMM (and her now boyfriend) is a cheater?

 

There is no way she will have known that throughout THEIR affair, he was still with me. Obviously she knows he is capable of cheating, because they were cheating together on his W (she knew about his W), but she never knew about me. I am the only one who knows about myself, about her, and about at least one "one night stand" he had during the early years of his marriage.

 

He keeps his world very locked down -- his emails, his phone, etc. She will think she was his first affair, but she wasn't. I have no doubt he will cheat again. She's 45, he's 51 -- she likely thinks he is too old to cheat again, but I just know he will, especially because I have removed myself from his life. He will find a new "me". This new woman has been single since her late 20s...she will be so thankful just to have him -- he's incredibly smart, interesting, well-known -- that she'll believe his every word.

 

Do I warn her in an email (not an account with my name) and let her know the truth of him? Do I let her know that had I not removed myself from his life, he would still be "with" me, too?

 

She doesn't know his history and he can spin it any way he wants. What do I do?

[Fluttershy]

....my question now is -- do I tell the "new" girlfriend about how my xMM (and her now boyfriend) is a cheater?

 

There is no way she will have known that throughout THEIR affair, he was still with me. Obviously she knows he is capable of cheating, because they were cheating together on his W (she knew about his W), but she never knew about me. I am the only one who knows about myself, about her, and about at least one "one night stand" he had during the early years of his marriage.

 

He keeps his world very locked down -- his emails, his phone, etc. She will think she was his first affair, but she wasn't. I have no doubt he will cheat again. She's 45, he's 51 -- she likely thinks he is too old to cheat again, but I just know he will, especially because I have removed myself from his life. He will find a new "me". This new woman has been single since her late 20s...she will be so thankful just to have him -- he's incredibly smart, interesting, well-known -- that she'll believe his every word.

 

Do I warn her in an email (not an account with my name) and let her know the truth of him? Do I let her know that had I not removed myself from his life, he would still be "with" me, too?

 

She doesn't know his history and he can spin it any way he wants. What do I do?

 

Let it go. she knowingly involved herself with him while he was faking reconciliation. Anything you say will just be turned around to you being desperate. He will know who sent the email regardless of the account name. It is time to move, sweetie.

[Nothisgirl]

 

For me, right now, yes -- I feel terrible, like I ruined my chance with him. We really were so good and to think I turned someone against me in my weakness -- it's such a hard thing to know that I could have been with him had I not have done that. That statistic someone cited, I think it must be wrong or far too low, because most OW I know do end up with the AP and of course this Other OW has ended up with him now. He's in his 50s and it looks like he really wants her to be the last one he's ever unfaithful to.

 

.

 

But how scary is that?? If that's really the reason for him "falling out of love" (which I don't think it is) but really think about that, who wants to be with someone who doesn't love them at their weak moments? You deserve that kind of love.

 

So much of your story resonates with me, from his situation to the way you say you are together and I really hope you find peace...you are worthy of more than a part time, fair weather partner.

[nytgirl]

I just wanted to give an update on this thread. It's been almost a year since I found out about my ex-OM's OOW. I wish I could say I have had an easier year, but I haven't.

 

After learning about her (I found out through a mutal friend of mine and his), I tried to stay "friends" with him, not wanting to to throw our bond and history away, and also (foolishly) thinking that maybe the OOW was some kind of rebound for him, given all the tumult he had been in (with me and some really hard life circumstances at the time) -- that maybe she was an exit affair (in addition to the one he was having with me).

 

The friend role was very hard to transition back to. I found myself feeling exactly like an "Other Woman" again -- a feeling I had had some respite from while he was separated (I did NOT know that prior to his separation for about 6-9 months, maybe more, and during his 18 month separation leading to divorce, that he had an OOW). That was hard. Because he was now moved-in with the new woman, suddenly it was back to me not being able to call him at will, or just being hyper-aware that if he called, it was because she (the OOW, now girlfriend/second-wife) was out. It became as mentally unbearable as the first time I was the OW.

 

I am not proud to say that I suffered a lot of anguish here, because I had a lot of moments of anger, at him, and at myself for how I had handled our situation from the get-go. I also had anger at the new OW/newgirlfriend, because she did what I wasn't capable of with him -- she waited for him to leave his wife, without threatening him to do or threatening him that she would tell his wife.

 

I think she had a better vantage from which to keep her head together, because they live in the same city and he could be there to reassure her and meet with her, etc.

 

Anyway, it's a year later and they still live together. From the looks of social media, they are insanely happy together. He is still very good friends with his now-ex-wife, who believes he met this new woman AFTER they divorced and knows nothing of me. It is all very cozy and I've heard that she (the exwife) is even quite friendly with the new woman.

 

I have not been in touch with him at all the last few months. It's hard. He was my anchor in my life, my best friend, and I thought, soulmate. I truly believed we would marry after the dust settled on his divorce and he'd had some time to mourn and get his feet under him.

 

Unfortunately, having witnessed another of my girlfriends be an OW to a MM this past year, and watched how she very carefully remained patient with him and did not threaten to tell his wife....well, it took a little over a year but he DID leave his wife for her and they are together now. I know so many situations like this, that I still cannot stop beating myself up for having lost my mind a little bit a few years ago when I was threatening to tell his wife if he didn't. I really was just so upset. I was grieving the death of a close family member, as well being a rock to him following the shocking and unexpected death of his closest friend, and his father's terminal illness, as well as helping him navigate our affair and his problems with his wife. He's almost 15 years older than me and I just snapped one day, i just needed the lies to be over and I wanted him with me in a real way.

 

Given everything I have been through over these years, I have to say that if you are the OW in an affair -- firstly, I hope you just STOP and not keep up any affair at all -- but if you are, keep your patience and don't threaten to tell the wife. It just lowers their opinion of you. Even if you are the greatest woman on earth, from that point on, they won't see you as great, they'll see you as crazy and unstable and weak.

 

I deal with my remorse of the situation and how I handled it every day, and from afar, watch (I'm doing a bit better at not looking though) as another woman lives with the man who had promised himself to me and promised on his heart that we had a love he'd never known.

 

They are so happy and content, and it still hurts.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. x.

[DKT3]

Its hard but try to step outside of the emotions and look at this situation in the way that many of us readers will. You were ONE of at least three women in his life sexually (most likely more) there was likely nothing you could have done to change the outcome. Yes he changed how he saw you after the treat, you were then "dangerous" to his jiggling of several women.

 

Not to be an azz but it appears you were simply a relationship of convenience for him, he was just not vested in you as you were him. As much as we hate to admit or accept sometimes in life we love and care for people who doesn't return it.

 

I hope you can move past this. First step, stop blaming yourself for him being a dirtbag and thinking you could have changed what happened by doing something different. Only thing that would have changed this is not having become involved in the first place.

[Bittersweetie]

I have to agree with DKT3 here. Taking the emotions out of it...this was a guy who had at least three women going at the same time. Is that what you really want from a man? Is that what you deserve?

 

I'd say you dodged a bullet here. Now you are free to look for a man who will give you 100% and deserve your 100%. Good luck.

[central]

You threw away your chance at marriage and children by hoping a married man would leave his wife for you, when everyone knows that it's rare for that to happen. Whether or not you'd issued your selfish and unethical demands, the outcome almost certainly would not have been good.

 

I am sorry that you're experiencing pain and unhappiness, but you brought it on yourself.

[goodyblue]

Don't listen to anyone who says you brought it on yourself. You weren't alone in this and the last thing you need is to be beat up. Apparently people think it's helpful to be cruel.

 

You're out of the affair, and that's good. You have to stop focusing on him now and focus on you. There are TONS of men out there who are willing to love you, and not give up on you EVER. When someone TRULY loves you, they will jump through hoops for you. And you, them.

 

Maybe you won't want to hear this, but I think that guy was a tool and I am glad you're free of him to pursue a great life for yourself! BTW, I had my last baby just before I turned 40, so don't think that part of your life is lost. Lots of time, love. Hang in there, seek therapy if you feel you need it, and forget him!

 

Chin up.

[Mount]

HI "nytgirl", I really do not think your success possiblity with your XMM was related to telling W or not telling.

 

For example, the 1st DD day of mine (that MM's wife was aware her husband is seeing other woman) was from MM himself telling his wife last summer, despite I asked MM don't do it, he did anyway and left home, but went back next day.

 

I think it is about MM's mind , nothing to do with you.

[central]

Truth isn't cruelty, but magical thinking is stupidity.