RightThere Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 We are in MC and both in IC as well. I just finished reading RightThere's story, and it sounds a little like mine in the way she is acting not 100% committed to the process. Man, I lived it and I don't actually believe some of the stuff I went through. There's lots I've left out. But you are right that she is not committed to the process. Same as my STBXW. However I did give her time because I felt she needed to grieve from ending her other relationship. It was the right thing to do, but ended up she decided she didn't want to give that up. But if I didn't pull the plug, we'd still be in limbo. She would have stayed even if the was 1% committed to our relationship and 99% committed to leaving. It's all about deciding what you are going to do. Stay strong and post on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nbman Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 I am wondering if I have given her enough time to get over the "fog" of her feelings for the OM? The MC says give it another month before I make a decision, and she says she doesn't want to make a decision based on emotions either, and that is what is taking her time to deal with. It is soooooooooooo confusing. I don't know what to do from one minute to the next. Everything in my brain tells me that I am fighting a loosing battle and that the GIGS or Midlife crisis, or OM or whatever this is all about, is more than I can overcome. I keep hearing Mr Lucky telling me to grow a pair and make the call and take the power out of her hands. I just don't know what to do.. Hell, I am still going back and forth on an anniversarry gift if you can believe that... Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I am wondering if I have given her enough time to get over the "fog" of her feelings for the OM? The MC says give it another month before I make a decision, and she says she doesn't want to make a decision based on emotions either, and that is what is taking her time to deal with. It is soooooooooooo confusing. I don't know what to do from one minute to the next. Everything in my brain tells me that I am fighting a loosing battle and that the GIGS or Midlife crisis, or OM or whatever this is all about, is more than I can overcome. I keep hearing Mr Lucky telling me to grow a pair and make the call and take the power out of her hands. I just don't know what to do.. Hell, I am still going back and forth on an anniversarry gift if you can believe that... How long has it been since D-Day for you? My advice is that you do need the time to process everything. The "fog" will remain for a while with your wife. You'll get a lot of advice on here to up and leave the minute you hear about the affair. My thought always was give it 3 months because the first month is a total whirlwind. You'll go up and down. Feeling like you are fighting a losing battle is totally normal. Especially if you are the only one fighting. I kept doing it because I wanted to make sure I wouldn't have any regrets about not putting in 100% effort to try and fix things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nbman Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 It has been 6 weeks since DDAY. The first 3 weeks she moved into a hotel, but after I found OM there, so begged to come home and evaluate things. She has been home only 3 weeks, and we have not spent any alone time together except MC. She says it might take months to work out her issues and make a decision, but claims she does not want to divorce, but just isn't sure she can "build back the bridge" that we have burnt so bad. After reading your story, I feel like she is doing the same to me that your wife was doing to you. If she is still chatting with OM, it is through email. I do not have access, she claims she will tell me if they communicate, but I don't believe anything that she says, so who knows. I am not going to hack or spy on her, as she is 41 and responsible for her own choices at this point. I can't control her choices (even if I wish I could in this instance) so I will play the hand I am delt. So I am left in my own "Limbo" as I try to determine what is best. I wish I could click forward on this blog to December 2013 to see where I will be then, I HATE THIS!!! I am trying to post here, to keep from loosing my mind. This is by far the worst day I have had since week #1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 She moved in with the other man and YOU are confused? She's gone! What's confusing about that? She's done. Anniversary gift? NO! That would be rewarding her bad behavior! Next time you are with a woman - remember that offering her up in a 3some doesn't help her feel that you are honoring her and/or the marriage. If my H had done that to me - I'd feel like a random piece of meat that was battered. It's done. Learn from it and move forward. Get the D filed and finished! There are times like these where you've participated in so much damaging behavior - that there isn't a reasonable way to untangle it! Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Hang in there brother. My wife did keep communication going with two of the other guys while we were still reconciling. At first I tried to hack everything, but it's a fools gold. She'll find other ways to communicate. As for her telling you when she is contacting him, it's total B.S. My wife said the same thing. I was tracking her for a while and I know when she was lying to me. And if she's still in the fog, she'll lie about everything like it's second nature. She'd been lying so much already, I'm sure she doesn't even know what the truth is. You'll continue to have up days and down days. I still cry every day. Every single day. But it's no longer about wishing for her to decide/come back. It's fort the death of the relationship I thought I had, but never really did. Perspective will come for you, so be patient. You'll be amazed at how much one person can lie to someone they claimed to love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nbman Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 I just talked to her about making an inappropriate joke to me about infidelity during lunch today. I told her that since she has not really shown any remorse for her actions. She said that she was "sorry" for the joke, but nothing more. Maybe I expect too much, but I was hoping for a little sign of sorrow about the affair. I guess that says it all. Time for plan b..... Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I just talked to her about making an inappropriate joke to me about infidelity during lunch today. I told her that since she has not really shown any remorse for her actions. She said that she was "sorry" for the joke, but nothing more. Maybe I expect too much, but I was hoping for a little sign of sorrow about the affair. I guess that says it all. Time for plan b..... My STBXW did that many times to me during reconciliation. Something usually to the effect of "at least I didn't sleep with that guy". In my mind I wanted to scream "What the hell is wrong with you?" But I would always just say "Too soon" and try to end it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I know she is swamped at work, but she is using that to hide from our marriage issues. Does the OM work there also? Her definition of "swamped" and yours may be two different things... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 If she is still chatting with OM, it is through email. I do not have access, she claims she will tell me if they communicate, but I don't believe anything that she says, so who knows. I am not going to hack or spy on her, as she is 41 and responsible for her own choices at this point. You shouldn't have to spy on her. If she was truly remorseful, she's be transparent in all communications. And you wouldn't be here wondering what's going on... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author nbman Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 No OM was my former best friend. He lives in his car, is a drunk and can't keep a job. Really a boost to my ego!! I can't tell you how stupid I feel for ever bringing him into out home to begin with.. Damage done, lesson learned on that one.. At this point, I feel I am moving backwards, or maybe I am just waking up and realizing that reconcilliation is a pipe dream.. I think I am setting a end of Jan move date for one of us as a target in my head to start working towards. I am almost certain that she will want to move and get her own place and leave me with the girls. If I could be so LUCKY!!! She suggested a "seperation" but said her IC said that was a bad idea. I agreeded, but now am thinking maybe I should support that idea to see if she will go sooner and put me out of my misery, while she is thinking she is "getting what she wants". I can't take waking up feeling like I do today, and I fear the longer she stays, the worse it will be for me. I keep holding on to what I now realize are "bread crumbs" she is giving me, and that is only going to end up starving me in the end.. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 No OM was my former best friend. He lives in his car, is a drunk and can't keep a job. Really a boost to my ego!! I can't tell you how stupid I feel for ever bringing him into out home to begin with.. Damage done, lesson learned on that one.. Same here. I'm amazed at how when women cheat, they go WAAAAY down the status scale. Not just a few notches, but they seek out the biggest, fattest, losers with drinking problems. I can't take waking up feeling like I do today, and I fear the longer she stays, the worse it will be for me. I keep holding on to what I now realize are "bread crumbs" she is giving me, and that is only going to end up starving me in the end.. While she's in the fog, that's all you're going to get is crumbs. If you are reconciling, you'll have to learn to accept that minimum. Otherwise get the ball rolling to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nbman Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 I know you are right. I keep hearing the MC saying, "give it another month!" I know I am super emotional, so I just read a lot of studies about the effects of D on young girls. Really gives me the kick I need to stay patient and see if time will help the situation. Patience is not one of my strong suites, so this is taking a lot of personal growth for me to hang in there.. Link to post Share on other sites
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