On settling for less...what if the perfect guy isn't out there?

[mischafan160]

So I just read the whole book "He's Just Not That Into You," and it described not only the situation with my ex, but it also described almost verbatim this new guy who has told me that he likes me yet has just gotten out of a long term relationship and isnt ready to jump into the next one. He wants a friends with benefits situation. He is a nice guy, I've known him a while and he's definitely not an a**h***. At least he was clear about what he wanted, instead of letting me think we were dating when really he does not want that.

 

This book says, there's no such thing as being not ready and that he is probably just not that into me...if he was, he'd be ready to date me for real.

 

Part of me knows that by settling for less than a real relationship, I am betraying my sense of self-respect.

 

Yet, my problem is this...this book assumes that the perfect guy, the one who will want to date me and will call me all the time and make me feel loved, like my ex did in the beginning of our relationship...actually exists. What if there is no guy like that? Or...what if I am just not the kind of girl that guys stay with.

 

Is it really better to not settle and to be alone, than to settle and sort of be with someone who might not be that into you? I don't know...I hate being alone so much that it's almost worth sacrificing my self respect to at least have the temporary feeling of being with someone.

 

Please respond if you have felt the same way. I'd at least like to know that I'm not the only one.

[kit4kat]

Aww sweetie-- that guy does exsist!!! Don't settle. I have that option right now, to settle and be with someone who'll love me completely, take care of me and all that good stuff, but I'm just not feeling it. I'm holding out for Mr. Right. He's out there, and one day he'll come riding in on a horse to save me from my singleness.

 

Is that book good? I've heard about it, and even thought about buying it. But then I thought maybe it'll just make me sink into a depression about my single state

[Devildog]

Books like this are only good in a general sort of way. Every person is different and each situation is different. No book can be the ideal source of information for a problem unless you are the specific case study that the book is based on. Don't put all of your faith in any book. They can be helpful, but they are not the be-all-end-all.

 

The perfect guy does not exist, just as the perfect woman doesn't exist. There will always be flaws because human beings are not perfect. You find someone who meets the most of your criteria for a relationship and deal with the shortcomings. Hopefully the other person will have only a few minor shortcomings.

 

Also, love at first sight does not exist. Love is more than physical attraction. Love is all the little things about the other person. How they treat you, honesty, integrity, morals, sense of humor. These are things you can't know about a person in the first 30 seconds. Love and relationships take time to build and require getting to know everything you can about a person. That takes time.

 

I disagree with the book on the not being ready for a relationship thing as well. It takes time to heal after ending a long term relationship. There is going to be hurt and heartache. They can't give an new partner the undivided attention and devotion required to make a relationship work without a chance to heal.

 

Also, all relationships have the "honeymoon stage" where everything is romantic and magical and wonderful. This can't last forever. Eventually that part of the relationship will die out. There has to be more than just the magical butterflies in the stomach to sustain it after that point.

 

But you definetly should not settle for a friends with benefits type relationship. Wait for someone who is ready to really date you, not just use you for a sexual release.

[mischafan160]

It is a decent book, it's very funny and a little harsh, but it helps you realize you deserve better than what you're getting. Kind of inspires you to hold out for more...but then I was questioning, what if "more" isn't out there, and I'm holding out for something that doesn't exist?

 

Actually the day that my boyfriend broke up with me, was the day that Oprah did her show on this book and had the authors talk about it! I remember going to my friends' apartment and crying my heart out and this book was on her show, and I was thinking about the f*cked up irony of the world.

 

Then a few weeks later I picked it up in a bookstore and read it, and hated it because I was in major denial at the time and was fully convinced that this was a minor blip and my ex was definitely going to see the light and come back to me. The book was just telling me all the things that I did not want to hear, that he was not coming back and that he just was not that into me.

 

Now...with that fantasy totally crushed...I think all the book does is make you realize what you already know...that we're all better than how these guys are treating us, that we shouldn't put up with it, and that life goes on. The book assumes that it's better to be alone and having self respect, than to be with someone who only SORT OF cares and at least "be with" someone.

 

I guess you just have to have faith in the abundance of the universe. There are more men...I hope...and after all I'm only 19!

 

Glad to hear that someone else is opting to hold out for more. Makes me feel less alone!

 

Thanks for the responses. I don't think that I will be talking to the Not Ready Dude anymore...or not until he starts acting like he really likes me. I can do better.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Part of me knows that by settling for less than a real relationship, I am betraying my sense of self-respect.

 

Than hold back a little something for yourself. What I mean is -- don't give away the booty if you feel it's crossing your personal boundaries. Draw your line in the sand and stay behind it. Enjoy the friendship while it lasts, but meanwhile keep yourself open for other prospects. If this guy says to you: "I'll only hang out with you if sex is a part of the deal"…then he is not even friendship material, let alone a good candidate for a romantic partner.

 

Yet, my problem is this...this book assumes that the perfect guy, the one who will want to date me and will call me all the time and make me feel loved, like my ex did in the beginning of our relationship...actually exists. What if there is no guy like that?

 

There is no such thing as "perfect." However, there are a lot of people out there who are capable of meeting your relationship expectations. Even if their enthusiasm is short-lived. Which is why I've always considered it a good idea to go slow and take your time getting to know someone in order to determine if their sincerity is genuine. The question is; once that guy turns up, will you be into him as much as he's into you? Sometimes people lose interest if there's no challenge involved.

 

Or...what if I am just not the kind of girl that guys stay with.

 

Then you suffer the same plight as the majority of people. Those 'happily ever after' scenarios are few and far between. Even those relationships that seem "perfect" in the beginning run their course and eventually end. I think it's rare to find anyone who hasn't acquired several failed relationships throughout their lifetime. We always start out hoping for 'forever' and more often than not, end up disappointed. We're all hopeless idealists when it comes to love!

 

Is it really better to not settle and to be alone, than to settle and sort of be with someone who might not be that into you? I don't know...I hate being alone so much that it's almost worth sacrificing my self respect to at least have the temporary feeling of being with someone.

 

Personally, I think "alone" is a state of mind. As long as we have friends, family and outside interests, we're not as isolated as we sometimes feel. Some people can handle being single better than others. While some have difficulty defining themselves outside of a relationship - feeling the need to have a 'second-half' in their life order to feel 'complete' and content.

 

We all understand that basic human need for companionship. It's primal. But to settle for something you're already unhappy with is counter productive and will lead to more disappointment and heartache than contentment. No matter how alone you may feel right now -- it doesn't even compare to how 'lonely' you'll feel if you find yourself invested in a relationship void of love and mutual respect.

 

He wants a friends with benefits situation.

 

So here's the deal: He wants to have sex without any kind of commitment. No strings attached. Which means you may not be the only one he's porking while trying to find himself. He may even fall in love with another girl while he's doing you. Eventually he may choose to dump you so that he can pursue a real relationship with someone else. As a "friend" you'll be expected to understand and be happy for him rather than putting up a fuss. After all, you knew the deal.

 

In retrospect, how would you feel? Would you regret having given that part of yourself away and wish to take it back? Would you feel used and unappreciated?

 

If you're horny and just want the sex, than by all means go for it! But remember to keep your emotions out of the mix and learn to detach your heart from your libido. It won't be easy! Meanwhile, make sure you are both tested for STDs before and during your sexual activity. Insist that he wear a condom regardless of whether or not he claims to be monogamous. Otherwise, you may end up with more regrets than you bargained for.

 

Good luck and make sure you look out for number one!

[HokeyReligions]

I'll echo Devildog on this.

 

Relationships, like people, are always changing. What may be perfect one day is not the next. What may start out as a friendship may lead to a life-long love.

 

Enjoy the companionship of new friends and dating, but if you feel like you are settling for a relationship, that feeling will continue to grow and eventually you will look back and be full of "I wish" and "If only" emotions and those will destroy personal self-worth and relationships.

 

I know its easy for me to say 'being alone isn't so bad' because I'm not alone, but making a commitment to the wrong person is, I believe, worse.

 

Be careful with sex because that confuses relationships totally! Sex should be between people who care about each other and who see a possibility of a future together. I don't buy into the whole 'friends with benefits' thing. Thats just letting yourself in for a lot of hurt in the future and its not a binding tie. A lot of people will disagree with me, and some folks might be able to make it work---for a while, but I think they are in the minority.

 

Love is hurtful sometimes no matter how long a couple is together. My husband and I have had a lot of problems over the years and have broken up a few times. It takes work to stay together and it includes getting your feelings hurt sometimes, and sometimes hurting the feeling of those you love. But hurt doesn't always mean the end of a relationship, it can be a strengthening thing too.

[KaiaMahina]

Mischafan, I echo everything Enigma said so well. Especially the "friends with benefits" part.

 

I just ended a "friends with benefits" relationship with my EX ex (the one before the latest) when he casually started discussing his one-night stand with another woman who is now apparently madly in love with him. All the time that he had been querying ME as to whether I was "doing" anyone else (I wasn't and he was then replying that he wasn't either), he had apparently "done" this woman because he and I "don't see each other that often." Yeah, just every two weeks. I was glad for that much, as I'm not in a relationship and will take what I can get within reason, but he's not so easily satisfied, apparently.

 

I was LIVID. Even though we practiced safe sex (he's obsessed about contracting an STD, as well he should be), I was insulted and disgusted at the thought that he had been with me within days of being with her. Mind you, this was no jealousy thing. This was a betrayal of a friendship agreement. If I had met someone else, I would have told him immediately and stopped sleeping with him. I deserved the same courtesy. Doesn't matter that this poor stupid girl was a one-nighter. He still should have told me so that I could have made the decision not to be a part of his double-dip ice cream cone.

 

Funny, the part that bothered me the most was his callous attitude toward this woman. After one night with him, she was crazy about him and asked if she could leave some things at his place, to which he replied that there wasn't any point as she wasn't going to be coming there again. Can you imagine?! He's never treated me that way, and, in fact, has pursued me for the last 2 years after I left him, but it makes my stomach turn that he can have such an attitude toward another human being. I feel worse for her than I do for myself because I have no emotional investment in this a**hole anymore.

 

He's been calling and leaving messages for me to call because he wants to talk to me, but I don't reply. It's an ugly mess, and for that reason, I would advise you to think long and strong before beginning any "relationship" like this with any man, no matter how nice he seems or how well you know him. I've found that few people are totally trustworthy and you have to watch your back.

[Weird]

I'll go single the rest of my life before I settle for a girl who I don't feel is perfect/close to perfect for me...the key part being "for me." Seeing as I have yet to meet anyone who comes close since how my ex used to be, it looks like I'll be going single for the rest of my life. No biggie

 

I also agree with Kaia that very few people seem to be trustworthy and very few are people I can rely on.

[KaiaMahina]

Weird, I'm with you. While, objectively speaking, there is no one who is perfect (that is the province of god(s)), there is absolutely someone who is perfect for each of us. Meaning, that their idiosyncracies and flaws are acceptable to us, and, in an imperfect world filled with imperfect people, they are perfect for us.

 

When my ex dumped me, he said that he didn't intend to have anyone else. While this may be hyperbole on his part, he may not realize that it's distinctly possible that he may never be as happy with anyone else as he was with me, and that I was, in fact, perfect for him. I hope that he can live with that.

 

Personally, the idea that I may have been dumped by the one who was perfect for me makes me feel like this:

[mischafan160]

Oh but the saddest thing is that I thought me and my ex were perfect for each other too...yet that just faded away for him. How do you ever trust that it's for good?!

[Isabella82]

I always thought me and my ex were perfect for eachother too, we always seem to have the same outlook on life and relationships, we would always finish eachothers sentences, we always thought the same way. We had very similar personalities, and we instantly clicked. We always laughed together, had almost identical childhoods etc.... But I have come to realize that even though we were "perfect" for eachother at one time, people change. One thing that is for certain is change. I think he changed, if not he definately changed his feelings towards me and the relationship. The last e-mail I wrote to him, right before we broke up I said in the e-mail never give up on us, we can make this work because we have so much love for eachother. Well he gave up, and that we did not have in common, so maybe the relationship wasn't so perfect after all.

 

I think maybe a lot of people are so much in love, that they think there is so much in common because you make it seem that way, when in reality you might have that much in common with anyone. It is kind of like I thought that there were so many signs that we would be together forever, but when I think about it I wanted it so bad that I made things into signs. I looked everywhere unconsciously for signs, and maybe thats what people do with other things. Love makes you blind to realize that it wasn't all that great. You just loved the person so much that you overlooked everything else.

[Devildog]

Originally posted by Isabella82

Love makes you blind to realize that it wasn't all that great. You just loved the person so much that you overlooked everything else.

 

Amen to that Isabella, Amen. After 2 months of seperation and my wife attempting to railroad divorce proceedings through, I have been able to see with eyes that are no longer blinded by love. I see all the things I gave up for my marriage. I had given up relationships with friends, with my family. I gave up hobbies and entertainment that I enjoyed. I even had given up on buying the house I grew up in, all for my marriage. All for love. But now I can see how bad the relationship was for me and I realize, I get my life back.