chir Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I really hope to see replies from my post-knowing someone do cares and maybe even understand. Im in a utterly toxic relationship with the love of my life. My 1st love who happened to be also married with 2 kids.. its was great for like 3 months into the relationship where we are supposed to b the pillar to each other while going thru the paths of life..n yes im the one who came up with this ****ty theme..only to find myself falling in love for the first time..deeply madly..willling to give up my family n kid..he cnt..n I left..by kind of gettin someone to hold on to before I kick him out..he was devasted when I left him and realise he fall deeply for me.as well.. he chased me bck by simply confessing his love..I of.coz chose him bck only to hurt the rebounded guy. . N only to be despise by my love of my life when he realise I cheated on him..which I didnt in the strictest sense..he is really to dump me bt I was begging him to stay to help me get bck on my feet..he stayed but was questioning me as a person a woman..my integrity..n my self esteem took for the worst n I allowed it bcoz I feel like I hurt him n keep tryin to amend n proof im the gal he loved .. we were like breaking up 20 times in 1 year... until a point I snapped n is ready to let go.. NC for 4 wks.. till he contacted me.n wanted me.to.help him get on his feet this time round bcoz he.miss me... love me... all tje emotions..I backend n tot im.strong enough to help him.. only to fall bck on his future fakers Link to post Share on other sites
forgetmenot75 Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Its very difficult to read your message with all those abbreviations 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ColdAlone Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 What kind of reply are you looking for here? Link to post Share on other sites
Author chir Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 With all due honestly I still believe he meant it at that time. .but he cnt walk the thoughts n intention after another 20 times of break up all intitiated by me..I finally deleted my whatappsand go NC for 1 successful wk n still goin on... I tried nc for 20 times before but keep breaking it bcoz I miss him.. n is still obessed with seeing his online status in whatapps..the online status became my only link to him..n somehow cn still control my mood..either I find myself happier knowin he is checking on me or feel rejected when he is not online. 1 wk after no contact. .there is after I managed 3 days earlier of not replying n finally tellin him to let me move on..I reinstall my whatapps thinking im strong enough..only to find myself obessing over his whatapps status n online status..hindering my healing. ..I uninstall it again. .n continue my healing. . I juz keep wondering if he will ever choose me..n also bargaining w myself that..I might b unwilling to leave.the.family bcoz of my precious kid myself. . So maybe I could hv accept his terms to be the woman hidden.. bt I juz cnt.. I need hjm to.stop pretendin he love his wife. .tell her whatever he need to.. n that he is staying for the kids..which is wat im doin..I told the hub that im out of tis marriage but I still here bcoz I love the kid.. n wanted to b w her live w her tog.. her havin her doting daddy n loving mummy..but I am.no longer the wife. .. I juz need him to b fair to me.. be the responsibile father Link to post Share on other sites
barky2 Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I'm kinda lost,you broke up 20times in a year went nc for 4weeks and you're back together? I feel like a 14year old wrote this with all the non English words. Help me understand more and I might be able to help you... Barky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chir Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 N be the man who claim he love me..but he cnt do that.. I got to leave isit it.. Im not as angry anymore..I told myself..im still in love with the man who loves me..for the man who wants me but cnt make a honest relationship out of us.. I have to walk away..n keep walking away.. Link to post Share on other sites
barky2 Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Are you missing letters on your keyboard? Barky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chir Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 @Forgetmenot75.. I am sorry if I made it difficult to read my posts. I might be too used to all the sms, whatapps thingy..where we wrote in abbreviations and havin conversation without proper English words.. Link to post Share on other sites
ColdAlone Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Would you like to try again, start over...? With the post I mean... Link to post Share on other sites
Author chir Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 Haha..I might ...after I had recovered from my newly trampled self esteem. In any cases, thanks for replying. . Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 So, let me get this straight. You fell in love with a married man. You were willing to give up your family and child for him. He didn't want to. So you ended it. Then you were seeing someone else. MM then decided to rekindle with you and when he found out you slept with another man, he was angry. In the end he decided to try again but he was still insulting you about what you did. You guys were breaking up so many times that you got tired and ended it once and for all. Then he came back asking for you to help him get back on his feet. You decided you are not that strong to do that. Now you want to know if he will choose you or maybe it would be best to be hidden since you are probably unwilling to leave your kid? Maybe start with deleting the damn whatsapp. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chir Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 Yup..u got it right ..most of the part. .just that I didnt sleep with the other guy. I am now on no contact. First time really the real nc stuff where I deleted whatapps for 1 wk. And really concentrate on healing. I feel stronger this time round compared to the zillions times of NC before this. Where I felt worst by end of 1 wk.called him n he took me back. My point is.. while on one hand..I am relieved that I am over my 'crumbs waiting' days and knowing I deserve more. On the other hand.. I am tempted to believe it can work the way he wanted by being there for his kids while at the same time ..choose me n see a future with me.. at least by being fair to me by not trying to maintain the marriage with his wife. Maintain the family for the kids by not the marriage. Now I know I sound like the 14yr old.... is not making sense and all.. I was just perhaps bargaining with myself how do I make this work ..by being with him and yet not let my child b affected. And at the same time, he can commit and i do not need to be jealous of his wife n fee like I am crumbs-begging. I know I may sound ridiculous. .but please I am broken hearted now..and struggling to make it through everyday..if any were to hate my post please ignore me..dont trample on whatever is left of me anymore..thks..really. .I dont even have the strength to b angry anymore Link to post Share on other sites
Author chir Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 And I did managed to end it once with him. After 4 wks of no contact. He came back begging and promise to leave the family and will wait for the right time to tell his wife. Which brings us bck to now . After 4 months of waiting for the right time, he said he tried and he cannot do it because of the kids. With this I tried to walk away..and seem to be workin better this round.. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 The man is married. Period. He is choosing to be with his family. Most of them never leave. If you do have a child, please focus all your attention on him and let this guy go. If you want to be a hidden partner, it comes with a lot more heartbreak than what you are experiencing now. Yes, you deserve more and your child deserves more. You've broken up 20 times in one year. How could you possibly believe things will work after that many endings? Once, twice and you still have hope, well that's understandable. 20 times? What sort of unhealthy are you involving yourself in? You think things will change? No. You want to believe it will but honestly, just as you said in your first post, it's a toxic relationship. And if you identify it to be so, what would make you think it can work? He WANTS to maintain you and the wife. You don't get a say. When you involve yourself in this type of situation, you are the option, the wife, the kid and the marriage is the priority, unless he chooses you. He's not doing that. The day he comes with divorce papers is when you can decide if you want him back. Nothing more. Nothing less. You're a mother. If anything you should want more for you child. You should choose a life whereby you can meet a man that can be a good role model to your child, versus a man that is a cheater. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chir Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 Thank you. A big thank you. I think this is what I need to hear. He may choose me at certain times when emotions is high when the insecurity of losing me is there. But there is always a constant.He never stop choosing this family. That includes his wife. I will not install back whatapps -which is the only link I can check om him. Concentrate on healing, myself ..my precious girl. And stop all the bargaining in my head. It is not realistic, it is not even from him. He made his choice 1) his family and me 2) his family. I made will keep making this my choice. I choose my choice. I choose the Him who choose me. I choose Me. Do urge me on..if I were to come back posting n bargining again.. Shalom Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Of course he wants you on the sidelines. It's called cake eating. He needs you to fill the holes that his wife and marriage cannot and that's why he keeps coming back. Why would anyone want to lose a benefit? You have a girl. If she was grown and was facing the same situation as you are, what would you tell her as a loving and concerned mother? The advice you give her is the advice you should apply to yourself. It's because you love her and that's why you tell her she deserves more. It's because you love her and that's why you will want more for her. In that sense, you should love yourself just as much to want better for yourself. You want to be a good role model for her. You want her to get your full attention because you are now responsible in raising her to have a positive outlook on life. You can't do that if you are tangled in an emotional and mental mess. Yes, if you feel weak and if he contacts you again, please come back here and talk to about it. Do not give in. Even if it's just you and your little girl, it will be so much more peaceful and you both will have a much more promising future. There is nothing that this man can offer you, but only heartache. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chir Posted October 25, 2013 Author Share Posted October 25, 2013 I thought I am over him.. had been real busy at work and rehearsing for My company dinner and dance where we have a dance item. I have been feeling cheerful happy n confident of myself. .so was surprised I miss him so much..after working late till 10pm in the office. It just came. . The miss him I want to talk to him I want to know he is really over me Attack just come.. n I thought I pass the real huge milestone of almost 2wks Gosh I miss him... Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 I thought I am over him.. had been real busy at work and rehearsing for My company dinner and dance where we have a dance item. I have been feeling cheerful happy n confident of myself. .so was surprised I miss him so much..after working late till 10pm in the office. It just came. . The miss him I want to talk to him I want to know he is really over me Attack just come.. n I thought I pass the real huge milestone of almost 2wks Gosh I miss him... It's normal that you feel that way. You're breaking the attachment and you will feel the pain of withdrawal. But it doesn't mean that you should contact him. Contacting him doesn't change the fact that he is still married and wants to stay married. Just imagine, you miss him, you pick up the phone, you talk to him and then you hang up and then you feel that pain all over again because he's still not yours. And now it's worse because you just stabbed yourself in that same wound again. What you think will make you feel better will make you feel worse. You have to go through the process of letting go, and it is painful but there is no other way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chir Posted October 25, 2013 Author Share Posted October 25, 2013 I wonder what is he feeling now ... ... for him not to contact me.. Is must b he is okay... Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 I wonder what is he feeling now ... ... for him not to contact me.. Is must b he is okay... I'm sure he is facing his own withdrawals from not contacting you but that is none of your concern. He is not contacting because he made a choice and it would be wrong to lead you on if he can't give you what you need. So in that sense, it's best thing he is doing for you. You have to take this opportunity to focus on your healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chir Posted October 26, 2013 Author Share Posted October 26, 2013 You are right as usual... him missing me or even hurting..still does not Matters to me in the real sense, , because he is standing by his choice. The fact that he knows by standing by his choice he will miss me terribly or Even heartbroken and yet he is standing firm to choose his wife and childrens. It just tells alot, isit it. He has been wrong along by leading me on when he obviously cannot do anything for me..he used to say he didnt want to hurt me anymore. That is damn hypocrisy. .because it is so easy to stop hurting me. Which is to love me back, which is to want a life a future with me.. And not letting me go so that he will not hurt me anymore. Why why claim u love Me yet he didnt want to fight n have a future..... y give me hope...we even think Of the name of our future baby girl. ...Esther. .. Maybe the best thing he can give me. Is only to stop holding me back. And just the thought sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 It's for the best for you to just leave him alone. This is really hard for me to say since I just found out that my SO has been having an affair for the past year and a half. I say it not out of spite. I say it because you said it yourself: The relationship is toxic. I'm not sure if I understood you correctly but it sounds like you were in a relationship with another man who was also married besides this guy? If I'm wrong, forgive me, it was hard to read your post. Either way, you might want to ask yourself why you keep choosing men who are unavailable to you. If you are unhappy with your current spouse, then either find a way to fix it (go get counseling) or walk away from that one too. In the end, you being happy and healthy can only be for the best for your daughter as well as you. I wish you luck... no matter the circumstances, it can be hard to let go... but in this case it sounds like it is definitely in your best interest to let go and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chir Posted October 27, 2013 Author Share Posted October 27, 2013 No I was not involved with another married man. I will never for that matter..my heart needs to be well taken care..no way to put myself Into such situations where im going to get so hurt. Is not easy to let go..everyday im asking myself y he dont choose Me.... but I will concentrate and continue walking away.. Link to post Share on other sites
aybc123 Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 I thought I am over him.. had been real busy at work and rehearsing for My company dinner and dance where we have a dance item. I have been feeling cheerful happy n confident of myself. .so was surprised I miss him so much..after working late till 10pm in the office. It just came. . The miss him I want to talk to him I want to know he is really over me Attack just come.. n I thought I pass the real huge milestone of almost 2wks Gosh I miss him... Being tired is always hell for me at the moment, Ive been working several all nighters in an office by myself and seriously i feel like im going nuts with grief half the time im there. Whereas when im well rested and not stressed I feel almost normal. And when im around friends and having fun im absolutely fine. Once you understand what is causing you to feel worse though it's easier to control because you know it will pass. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chir Posted October 27, 2013 Author Share Posted October 27, 2013 I am almost normal at times. .last night I had a company function. I met new people, was having fun. And these new people are in fact in awe of me.being gorgeous and confident. Butthe fact is I feel rejected deep down. I felt that everyday of silence from him is a mocking rejection from him. The difference now is it is more bearable. .I am able to function normally. .but the pain is still there..still very much felt at the core of my heart..bearable but never really left.... Link to post Share on other sites
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