Men and woman as friends; revisited

[Babolat]

And some do want to have sex with their friends...

 

So if you and I are friends, and you knew from the first time we met, that my initial interests were sex, dating, whatever, something more than friends, and you defined a "just friends" boundary, that you knew I would try to test/cross from time to time, you think that is OK? That's a balanced friendship?

 

IMHO it's not, as you will always have the power and control in the friendship.

[Babolat]

You've only posted several threads about men and women being friends.

My ex gf was the first woman I was in a relationship who had close, male friends. My threads "back then" were me trying to understand these friendships.

 

I only met one of these friends; and by her admission he was a player. I saw this as soon as I met him, even how he looked at her and talked to her in front of me. He was a piece of ****.

 

I found out, after I broke up with her, that his initial intentions were sex, and it came up from time to time afterwards. Yet she continued the friendship, even referred to him as a brother. Really? Why?

 

Now, my best female friend is kind of sharing a simialr story with me..so yeah, I am starting to wonder what women really think a male friend is when they have made it obvious they want to F you.

[Divasu]

So if you and I are friends, and you knew from the first time we met, that my initial interests were sex, dating, whatever, something more than friends, and you defined a "just friends" boundary, that you knew I would try to test/cross from time to time, you think that is OK? That's a balanced friendship?

 

I probably would not hang out with you anymore once you crossed that threshold (at least not one-on-one). Most of my friendships are with women, so, I tend not to run into this issue.

[Babolat]

I probably would not hang out with you anymore once you crossed that threshold (at least not one-on-one). Most of my friendships are with women, so, I tend not to run into this issue.

 

From my original post:

 

"So, women of LS, who have male friends that you know would F you, how is this man your friend? You have the control, that is not a balanced friendship, right? You defined boundaries they agreed to, yet you know they would cross those boundaries given the chance to.

"

 

If you cannot relate, if you have not experienced this issue, then why jump on me here? Why comment about me, judge me, etc?

[Divasu]

From my original post:

 

"So, women of LS, who have male friends that you know would F you, how is this man your friend? You have the control, that is not a balanced friendship, right? You defined boundaries they agreed to, yet you know they would cross those boundaries given the chance to.

"

 

If you cannot relate, if you have not experienced this issue, then why jump on me here? Why comment about me, judge me, etc?

 

Oh lord, I wasn't judging.

I was posting my opinion. Sorry if you dislike it.

 

My ex gf was the first woman I was in a relationship who had close, male friends. My threads "back then" were me trying to understand these friendships.

 

I only met one of these friends; and by her admission he was a player. I saw this as soon as I met him, even how he looked at her and talked to her in front of me. He was a piece of ****.

 

I found out, after I broke up with her, that his initial intentions were sex, and it came up from time to time afterwards. Yet she continued the friendship, even referred to him as a brother. Really? Why?

 

Now, my best female friend is kind of sharing a simialr story with me..so yeah, I am starting to wonder what women really think a male friend is when they have made it obvious they want to F you.

 

Apparently this still consumes you.

Good luck.

[darkmoon]

my male friendships tend to drift towards hook-up requests, when/if they become single, I will do for the time being, but as I am no great catch I know I will not be the girlfriend, they tell me, or just let it slip in convos, so - -

 

 

one friend wanted to marry royalty as he had once been married to some foreign princess but he merely wanted to live with me so I would clean a house his, that I do not even own, another wanted to marry a rich woman cuz there's money in his family, one lied about his girl and said she was a kinda screwed-up pest who he had to visit to help, but I realized this was bull over time, he wanted to bang me he would compliment me

 

 

I am quite self-sufficient, but I did listen up enough to understand that nobody wanted marriage, but they did want bed and cooking, so not all women use men, not that I am complaining, but these relationship offers never involved 100% commitment, even though we had known each other well

[TheGuard13]

I don't understand the perception that just because your friends would sleep with you if the circumstances were right...that somehow that means they're not actually your friend. Obviously there are some people like this, but I think it's shortsighted to say that every men who would sleep with a girl isn't actually her friend.

 

There are plenty of women I'm friends with who I also recognize as attractive enough that I might want to sleep with them at some point, or if circumstances were different. That's certainly not the only reason I interact with them.

 

Must EVERYTHING fit into neat little boxes?

[man_in_the_box]

Is this about girls in a relationship or just single girls? In the first scenario you're not dealing with 'friends' but a bunch of asswhipes who don't respect her relationship. In the latter scenario it's none if your business and the girls own responsibility who she hangs with (and the guy's responsibility for sticking to it).

[ASG]

I have plenty of male friends. Some of them would like to sleep with me, if given the chance. Some I would like to sleep with, if given the chance.

 

But that's not the reason we continue to interact and hang out. I know those guys aren't interested in sleeping with me, for whatever reason. But I still enjoy their company in a purely platonic way. I wouldn't want to cut ties with them just because I find them attractive and they don't think the same about me.

 

And the same goes for my male friends who would like to sleep with me. I am fairly confident that they aren't keeping me and my friendship around in the hopes that it'll one day happen (because it won't).

 

I don't see how there's an imbalance. I don't feel like the male friends I'm attracted to have all the power. At all. Because, once again, I'm not expecting to sleep with them and it's not my goal. And I suspect the same is true when the situation is reversed.

Edited October 23, 2013 by ASG

[todreaminblue]

What these women "cherish" is the chance to get plenty of rides, free dinners, concert tickets and the like from a stable of guys whose unrequited lust they are shamelessly taking advantage of. This is not a true friendship, as the one-sided physical attraction creates a power imbalance that prevents any true equanimity from existing between them. These are not friends, but slaves she has wrapped around her finger.

 

 

ummm no...never made a man pay for anything for me never wanted him to never will, dont want a free ride ill pay my way and if i cant i dont need or want what they offer..... the rides are never free......

 

 

i have male friends......quite a few......and when they joke or muck around with me ........making sexual remarks ill leave the room.....tell them to cut it out.....or....i leave the room....they stop...or i dont come back.....thats the boundary ..i dont have male friends around to give me stuff or to stroke my ego.....it makes me uncomfortable if they flatter me ...........except for conversation and that involves boundaries as well......sexual discussions are off limits......deb

[Babolat]

Oh lord, I wasn't judging.

I was posting my opinion. Sorry if you dislike it.

 

 

 

Apparently this still consumes you.

Good luck.

 

Consumes, no, on my mind, scarred a little, trying to understand and work thru it, make sense of it, yes. Isn't that why we post here? And yes, your comments come across as judgment.

 

Dislike your opinion? No, it's the judgment and constant reminding me "How I was" or "How I am" that is annoying, and rude in my opinion, especially in a public form, when it's off topic.

 

I have been thru a lot over the past 18+ months with a relationship I got lost in. My posts have been me trying to make sense of it all, grow, learn, figure me out. And, I am getting there. I am much better than I was 18, 12, even 6 monthsd ago. I do not need you, and two other LS posters, to constantly remind me "where I was", "what's wrong with me", "sterotyping me". PM me offline if you feel the need to be my psycholigist. I am paying one now, perhaps your free help is better?

 

How about a "good for you" or "good to see you are making progress" if you feel inclined to post something off topic, like you seem to always do. Otherwise, please do me a favor and just don't post your opinions of me. It gets really OLD after a while, seriously. And it shows a lot about YOUR character that you have to keep doing this.

[Babolat]

What I am trying to understand is the single females, who have male friends that they know, they know, want to F them and will given the opportunity. They call them their best friends, talk about how close they are, how they can share so much, how wonderful it is to have such a great male friend, etc Yet, in my opinion, the female does have the control, if that is the best word. The man will always, always be looking for an in.

 

The girl who is the subject of my post met a man on Match.com. She states she was looking for friends. Ha! Really? He wanted to date her, told her how much he liked her, how attracted he was too her. She said no, friends only. She followed that up by saying to me "He was smart, very good looking, but does not have street smarts and I did not feel it". Really, but you are just looking for friends, right, so why does it matter?

 

Well now he sends her photos of the girls he talks to on match.com, tells her all about the dates, reminds her how he wants a girl just like here. She goes out with him, shows me pictures of them having fun, cheek to cheek, etc. She tells me how close they have become, how she is his life coach...really? This man is obviously doing all this for a reason, to keep her around, remind her what a great catch he is, and yeah, to hopefully F her one day. And she knows it.

 

That is a balanced friendship?

[Charlie Harper]

I have plenty of male friends. Some of them would like to sleep with me, if given the chance. Some I would like to sleep with, if given the chance.

 

But that's not the reason we continue to interact and hang out. I know those guys aren't interested in sleeping with me, for whatever reason. But I still enjoy their company in a purely platonic way. I wouldn't want to cut ties with them just because I find them attractive and they don't think the same about me.

 

And the same goes for my male friends who would like to sleep with me. I am fairly confident that they aren't keeping me and my friendship around in the hopes that it'll one day happen (because it won't).

 

I don't see how there's an imbalance. I don't feel like the male friends I'm attracted to have all the power. At all. Because, once again, I'm not expecting to sleep with them and it's not my goal. And I suspect the same is true when the situation is reversed.

 

This is 100% on the mark.

 

Just to add something extra, as a Male who has a lot of female friends from 24 to 63 Years old, I can tell you that a friendship and having a possible sex scenario are completely different paths.

When you have a friend you hang out, have fun and talk about your life with others (work, family, lovers, heartache etc) when you want to have sex you talk about yourself "US" and what ifs scenarios, long story short, you sell yourself.

 

If you don't confuse this and you don't / can't identify this then you will be confused and expecting someone who wants to F you to be a "friend".

[Babolat]

Is this about girls in a relationship or just single girls? In the first scenario you're not dealing with 'friends' but a bunch of asswhipes who don't respect her relationship. In the latter scenario it's none if your business and the girls own responsibility who she hangs with (and the guy's responsibility for sticking to it).

I don't think there is a difference...if there is, then why call them friends, right?

 

If being in a relatinship changes things, then exactly to my point, they were not "friends" to begin with.

 

Why should I have to change, adjust, modify, adapt my female friends if I enter a relationship with a woman?

[man_in_the_box]

I do think it can make a difference depending on the situation. I think I'm bringing this a bit off-topic as there were no relationships mentioned in the OP. But to finish what I started:

 

Outside of relationships it is pretty much up to the individual choice whether people are comfortable with having friends that would take up the chance to evolve the friendship in sex/romance if given the chance. Sure, it affects the friendship and in certain cases its a fake friendship - but I'm sure there are also genuine friendships exist in this situation.

 

Inside a relationship - it still comes down to an individual choice but I find it difficult to imagine a girl hanging out with a group of opposite gender friends that all grab the oppertunity to plow her if given the chance. It'll probably happens but how many bf's are going to be able to deal with this kind of pressure?

 

The more likely scenario I can imagine if an individual friend develops/already has romantic interests. I'd think most people would just keep this specific person at more distance than usual to quench it - not directly cut them off cold. If they persist in their persuit that more thorough action is undertaken.

 

But to be honest I've never had to deal with anything like this so I'm just talking in 'what if' terms.

 

EDIT: to finish it: I definitely wouldn't consider people friends if they would go as far as destroy your relationship for sex while outside a relationship it becomes a completely different story.

 

Why should I have to change, adjust, modify, adapt my female friends if I enter a relationship with a woman?

 

You have a circle of female friends that would grab the oppertunity to have their way with you, even if you were in a relationship?

Edited October 23, 2013 by man_in_the_box

[Babolat]

You have a circle of female friends that would grab the oppertunity to have their way with you, even if you were in a relationship?

 

No, this was a hypothetical.

 

The woman, who is the subject of the post, has told me when she is in a relationship she has to tell her male friends things are different now. They can't talk as much, hang out as much, they can't flirt with her, etc.

 

That just feels strange to me.

[StandingO]

Those men are just being honest. Nothing wrong with finding your friend attractive and I don't see anything wrong with physical being one of them. That one would want to f their opposite sex friend if the situation was mutual in that moment does not mean they don't value their friendship in my mind. We are not talking brothers and sister although some F M relationships are very similar to this. That is different. Friendship relationships are different with everyone. There is no one cookie cutter version of a "friendship".

 

It happens every day in life where F and M relationships once friends become lovers. Lovers are friends only on a more intimate level. Most never go that route because the mental boundaries have been established.

 

Not uncommon, one party is more attracted to the other in a romanic way but still the friendship can be real. Now if one party is truly only pretending to be a friend because they want to f the other then that is shallow. I know it happens but time sorts this out.

 

I have a female friend who when a little drunk speaks differently then when sober. She has openly stated she would f me and my GF. We have been friends for years and nothing has ever happened physically. I realize apart of why she is friends is the physical attraction but it is only a small part. She truly values our friendship and we hers.

[Divasu]

Consumes, no, on my mind, scarred a little, trying to understand and work thru it, make sense of it, yes. Isn't that why we post here? And yes, your comments come across as judgment.

 

Dislike your opinion? No, it's the judgment and constant reminding me "How I was" or "How I am" that is annoying, and rude in my opinion, especially in a public form, when it's off topic.

 

I have been thru a lot over the past 18+ months with a relationship I got lost in. My posts have been me trying to make sense of it all, grow, learn, figure me out. And, I am getting there. I am much better than I was 18, 12, even 6 monthsd ago. I do not need you, and two other LS posters, to constantly remind me "where I was", "what's wrong with me", "sterotyping me". PM me offline if you feel the need to be my psycholigist. I am paying one now, perhaps your free help is better?

 

How about a "good for you" or "good to see you are making progress" if you feel inclined to post something off topic, like you seem to always do. Otherwise, please do me a favor and just don't post your opinions of me. It gets really OLD after a while, seriously. And it shows a lot about YOUR character that you have to keep doing this.

 

Lol, like I said...

Good luck.

[hotpotato]

One thing that bugs me about her point, is she is stating in a moment of weakness (drinking, drunk, tipsy, feelings are developing, what have you), if she were to offer sex, the male friend would always accept. ALL men will she states.

 

So, why define a boundary then? Why even call it a friendship? If the man agrees to her boundary, yet HE knows under the right conditions he would F her, what is that? And if she knows it too....

 

IA. That's why I dont have male so called 'friends.' Those are men standing in line awaiting there chance at some poon.

Maybe you wouldn't take up the opportunity, but most men will. I've met one guy who would say no.

[hotpotato]

I don't understand the perception that just because your friends would sleep with you if the circumstances were right...that somehow that means they're not actually your friend. Obviously there are some people like this, but I think it's shortsighted to say that every men who would sleep with a girl isn't actually her friend.

 

There are plenty of women I'm friends with who I also recognize as attractive enough that I might want to sleep with them at some point, or if circumstances were different. That's certainly not the only reason I interact with them.

 

Must EVERYTHING fit into neat little boxes?

 

That's a fck buddy. People really really want to believe that men and women can be friends, then only way to do that is to say that sex doesn't count. You are just proving the point that it's very difficult for men and women to be platonic.

 

 

I have a couple of male chat buddies. I dont for one second consider them friends nor do they think of themselves as friends. I'm not deluding myself for a single moment as to what is going on.

[ASG]

No, this was a hypothetical.

 

The woman, who is the subject of the post, has told me when she is in a relationship she has to tell her male friends things are different now. They can't talk as much, hang out as much, they can't flirt with her, etc.

 

That just feels strange to me.

 

Right... see... this is where things get trickier. When I am in a relationship, the only reason I don't hang out with my male friends as much is because I spend most of my free time with the BF. Not because I can't hang out with my male friends.

 

The only ones I would say anything like that to would be the ones I was actually sleeping with before getting a BF. The platonic male friends? We'd hang out just the same (if less often, due to time constraints).

[TheGuard13]

That's a fck buddy. People really really want to believe that men and women can be friends, then only way to do that is to say that sex doesn't count. You are just proving the point that it's very difficult for men and women to be platonic.

 

 

I have a couple of male chat buddies. I dont for one second consider them friends nor do they think of themselves as friends. I'm not deluding myself for a single moment as to what is going on.

 

No, a **** buddy is not someone who would sleep with you if the circumstances were right.

 

A **** buddy is someone who IS sleeping with you. There's a pretty big difference in terms of the context of a relationship.

 

It is difficult for men and women to be platonic if one of them is immature. If both of them are mature, open-minded adults, it should not be impossible. Plenty of people do it.

[Dreamworld]

I have a good female friend who has many male friends. She said she knows most of them want to F her. In fact, I have gotten to know some of them, and, in a 1:1 conversation they tell me how hot she is and that they want to f her. She even lets them joke with her about it as she knows it will never happen. I have witnessed this kind of dialog with these male friends.

 

She states they know her boundaries, and they each cherish the friendship because of it. I countered with, but given the opportunity they would F you. She said ALL men would (not with her, that all men in general would F a female friend they are attracted to).

 

I told her I would not F her, given the opportunity. She said I was different, which is why she likes our friendship so much.

 

So, me personally, as a male, can't understand how a woman can state a man is a great friend, knowing that man would F her given the chance. Yeah, they "agree" to the boundaries, but they really are not. It's not a boundary if you would cross it given the chance. My ex gf had a male friend like this. She referred to him as her brother, as they were so close. I would think to myself, really, i don't want to F my sister.

 

So, women of LS, who have male friends that you know would F you, how is this man your friend? You have the control, that is not a balanced friendship, right? You defined boundaries they agreed to, yet you know they would cross those boundaries given the chance to.

 

What am I missing here?

 

Hi Babolat, I just skimmed through the other posts so I apologize if I repeat other replies.

 

I used to have male friends who always expressed sexual interest in me after we got closer. But once I knew that, I realized we couldn't be friends so the friendships usually ended. Which is why I don't believe adult men and women can be close friends but that's a whole other discussion.

 

So if it is a woman who knows these "friends" want to f her but keeps them around anyway, she might be what people call an Attention Whore, or to be more crass a cock tease. If you look up things like "women who only prefer male friends" "women who only have male friends" and the like you'll find hundreds of heated arguments about it. They like the attention and use it to their advantage. Now there's a difference between women who really honestly do have more male friends; some are tomboys who are just really one of the guys or well rounded girls who have great personalities and can mingle with both sexes.

 

But what I have seen is that even tomboys have at least some good female friends (I am one friend to such a gal) and girls who have genuine good friendships with males also have good relationships with other females too.

 

It's the group of women who automatically diss other women as being catty and bitchy, thus they prefer male company, but all the males want to sleep with them and they know this. Personally I despise these types and seen how manipulative and competitive they can be. They enjoy the male attention and eliminate the competition so they are always the doted on goddess who gives all them guys hard ons. And they always complalin about why other females hate them, thus reinforcing to them that women are all jealous bitches and that's why they like guys a lot more.

 

I think that's why people always used to tell me stay away from men who only have female friends or women who only have male friends; there's always something else going on under the guise of their "friendships"

 

Hope I didn't ramble too much!

[MissBee]

I have a good female friend who has many male friends. She said she knows most of them want to F her. In fact, I have gotten to know some of them, and, in a 1:1 conversation they tell me how hot she is and that they want to f her. She even lets them joke with her about it as she knows it will never happen. I have witnessed this kind of dialog with these male friends.

 

She states they know her boundaries, and they each cherish the friendship because of it. I countered with, but given the opportunity they would F you. She said ALL men would (not with her, that all men in general would F a female friend they are attracted to).

 

I told her I would not F her, given the opportunity. She said I was different, which is why she likes our friendship so much.

 

So, me personally, as a male, can't understand how a woman can state a man is a great friend, knowing that man would F her given the chance. Yeah, they "agree" to the boundaries, but they really are not. It's not a boundary if you would cross it given the chance. My ex gf had a male friend like this. She referred to him as her brother, as they were so close. I would think to myself, really, i don't want to F my sister.

 

So, women of LS, who have male friends that you know would F you, how is this man your friend? You have the control, that is not a balanced friendship, right? You defined boundaries they agreed to, yet you know they would cross those boundaries given the chance to.

 

What am I missing here?

 

For me, I see it in two ways: I have male friends, loosely speaking, with whom I have some form of communication but at one point we weren't platonic and dated briefly or who wanted more but I didn't, but we're still cool. I think they may actively think about sleeping with me and would if it was on offer, no hesitation. Then my other male friends who we know each other through school or other activities and never dated or expressed interest, they aren't actively thinking about having sex with me or me them, even if they may find me attractive, that is, it is not an active attraction they're fighting. I think that unless you see someone as a sibling or find them physically unappealing totally, then there is always the potential that the friendship can grow to more given the right confluence of factors. So do I think all my male friends are actively thinking about sleeping with me? No. Do I think they may find me attractive and could see themselves doing so in some other context? Maybe. Does it affect our relationship? No. Likewise for me, I have a couple male friends I think are attractive and I could see how given the right circumstances it could lead to more, but it's not an active desire or attraction which affects how we interact.

[Babolat]

Hi Babolat, I just skimmed through the other posts so I apologize if I repeat other replies.

 

I used to have male friends who always expressed sexual interest in me after we got closer. But once I knew that, I realized we couldn't be friends so the friendships usually ended. Which is why I don't believe adult men and women can be close friends but that's a whole other discussion.

 

So if it is a woman who knows these "friends" want to f her but keeps them around anyway, she might be what people call an Attention Whore, or to be more crass a cock tease. If you look up things like "women who only prefer male friends" "women who only have male friends" and the like you'll find hundreds of heated arguments about it. They like the attention and use it to their advantage. Now there's a difference between women who really honestly do have more male friends; some are tomboys who are just really one of the guys or well rounded girls who have great personalities and can mingle with both sexes.

 

But what I have seen is that even tomboys have at least some good female friends (I am one friend to such a gal) and girls who have genuine good friendships with males also have good relationships with other females too.

 

It's the group of women who automatically diss other women as being catty and bitchy, thus they prefer male company, but all the males want to sleep with them and they know this. Personally I despise these types and seen how manipulative and competitive they can be. They enjoy the male attention and eliminate the competition so they are always the doted on goddess who gives all them guys hard ons. And they always complalin about why other females hate them, thus reinforcing to them that women are all jealous bitches and that's why they like guys a lot more.

 

I think that's why people always used to tell me stay away from men who only have female friends or women who only have male friends; there's always something else going on under the guise of their "friendships"

 

Hope I didn't ramble too much!

 

Great feedback.

 

Both of my female friends, and my ex gf, have a lot of male friends. I would ask them about their female friends (do you have any, how close are you, etc), and thet say exactly what you say about them being catty and bitchy, and that they just get along better with men. I don't buy it.