What now?

[Kimber]

Hello all - I am new here and this is my first post I have been reading thru some of the posts in this forum and you all seem like a friendly bunch. Please bear with me this will be a long one.....

 

I am a 44 year old female with 3 children from a first marriage (which I ended when my then husband had an affair). I actually stayed with him for 4 years after the affair, but just couldn't get past the trust issue. After we split, I met my current husband. It was with this man I learned the true meaning of love. We have been together 12 years, married 6. He was a wonderful step-father to my children. He is also 13 years younger than me. The only time this was an issue (and it was mine) was in the beginning when he was 19 and I was 32 (kind of embarrassing to see this in writing!). We separated in August of this year.

 

This may be too much info, but it is needed to fully understand our situation. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my then step-father. It is something that I have always "put on the back burner" as dealing with it was more painful than just trying to ignore it. I didn't realize the problems that in itself was creating or the way that the abuse had affected my adult life. If the way I behaved or reacted ever came into question I simply blamed it on something or someone else (there was never anything wrong with me, it was my husbands actions that made me react the way that I did). Since our separation I have been forced to come to terms with myself - this is the only good thing that has come out of this mess.

 

When he initially left, it was because I was distant. We were very rarely intimate, I had trouble showing affection. The only time I could tell him how I really felt about him was when I felt threatened that I was losing him. This is not to say that he did not have his faults. He has a hard time following thru on what he says he is going to do and he tells little white lies. At the beginning of the separation I tried to justify his lies by telling myself he told them to try to hold off a confrontation with me. In honestly, there were times when he lied and there seemed to be no rhyme or reason for it. Kind of complicated........

 

Anyway, I was devestated when he left. I spent 2 months on the couch. All I could think about was getting back together, my life was over without him - I'm sure you know the drill! He said it was hard for him too, but he just didn't have anything left. During these 2 months we still spent time together (he is a truck driver and he would take me on the occassional trip). We also talked alot on the phone. The reason for this contact, on his part, was that he was trying to help me thru the abuse issue which I had finally decided to deal with. He said he wanted to be there for me, but at times it was hard for him because he was dealing with his own problems - feelings of anger that he said were not directed at me (he says he now knows why I acted the way I did) but rather at the situation as a whole.

 

The beginning of November the trips with him ended and the phone calls seemed to get more hostile on his part. The children and I were evicted from our home and ended up staying in a motel until I could find an apartment for us. During this time (roughly a month), we didn't see each other and talked on the phone maybe 2 times. From the middle of November till the beginning of December there was no contact at all. I spent days trying to get ahold of him on his cell phone - he would never return the calls. Once we moved into the apartment, I knew that he didn't know where we were. I left our new number on his cell, sent emails to him and to one of his friends. When he finally called last week, he said he got the number from his friends email - he had gotten a new cell from his work and didn't know how to get ahold of me (?). Anyway, in an effort to try to make this shorter, during this time I lost alot of respect for him. I didn't understand how he could just "erase" the children from his life and not be concerned about them. I decided to get on with my life and thought that I was content with that.

 

He came by last tuesday to the new apartment to see the children. I really thought I would be ok. It was the hardest thing I had even done. All the anger I felt towards him went out the window the moment I saw him again. I did manage to hold it all in and by just looking at me he would never have seen that I was dying to have him hold me again..... Now I am really confused. At once point he asked if there were any cute guys in my building. I told him just one, but he was a little young for me! He didn't seem to appreciate that. During our visit he held me a couple of times. Once was when I told him I didn't want to fight anymore - that if we had to do this, lets just do it without fighting. When he was getting ready to leave we stood ackwardly at the front door not sure what to do next. To ease the tension, I stuck out my arm to shake his hand. He pulled me into a hug and then kissed me. Not passionately, but definately not just a quick "peck". He said we would try to get by on the weekend to spend more time with the children and maybe we could go out for a coffee to talk. I don't think he meant to talk about "us", but rather just as friends. After he left, I had a good cry and then put up my brave wall again. My best friend (who is the only one I ever talk to about this) tells me when I see him I should be careful not to wear my heart on my sleeve. If he sees me as getting on with my life and not following him around like a puppy there may be a chance for us.

 

If you have made it this far - thank you for bearing with me

[Devildog]

How are you trying to deal with the abuse issue? Are you speaking to a therapist or counselor? You really need to talk with someone who has training with handling these issues if you really want to deal with it. Talking with anyone else helps to get you through those tough moments, let off some steam, get it off your chest or whatever, but it doesn't really make the situation really under control. Get some help with that.

 

He might have gotten overwhelmed with trying to help you deal with the abuse. It probably hurt him to hear about someone hurting the woman he loves. He might have felt that you were pulling him down with you instead of being able to pull you up.

 

There are alot of mights and ifs involved. I can't give you a clear cut answer. I strongly suggest you get some help from a liscensed therapist and take things from there.

[Kimber]

Thanks for your quick reply! I am currently seeing a liscensed therapist regarding the abuse. When I mentioned I only talk to my friend I meant regarding my marriage situation. Therapy is helping but I know it is not something that will work out overnight. It has been a big burden lifted just admitting I need the help and realizing the damage done, but I have a long way to go

[Devildog]

Yes, admitting to the problem and actually doing something to get help is a huge first step. It will get easier, but it will take some time. Good for you to admit the need for help. Many people refuse to do this. It takes a strong person to realize their limitations.

 

Give the guy some time. I think he truly loves you, but needs to be able to feel secure and desired in the relationship as well. When you are dealing with those issues he isn't getting that.

[Ladyjane14]

I only have just a few minutes so please forgive the brevity.

 

I'm not a person who believes that age doesn't matter. I think your husband has probably skipped a very important life stage in settling down into marriage at 19, with a ready-made family at that.

 

Also, when a partner changes their attitude so drastically, and begins to act in a "mean" way with no apparent reason, there is oftentimes an OP involved.

 

Sorry

[Kimber]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

I only have just a few minutes so please forgive the brevity.

 

I'm not a person who believes that age doesn't matter. I think your husband has probably skipped a very important life stage in settling down into marriage at 19, with a ready-made family at that.

 

Also, when a partner changes their attitude so drastically, and begins to act in a "mean" way with no apparent reason, there is oftentimes an OP involved.

 

Sorry

 

Although I do appreciate your honesty, we didn't get married until he was 25. In our case, he had done more living up to that point than I have done at 44.

 

I have thought of the possibity of OP. I am not concerning myself with that at this point. Before seeing him recently I had considered our marriage to be over. If the marriage is indeed over I have no anger towards him for seeing OP (if that is the case). Sure it would hurt. I am only concerning myself with the chance, if there is one, to work on our marriage.

[Owl]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

I only have just a few minutes so please forgive the brevity.

 

I'm not a person who believes that age doesn't matter. I think your husband has probably skipped a very important life stage in settling down into marriage at 19, with a ready-made family at that.

 

Also, when a partner changes their attitude so drastically, and begins to act in a "mean" way with no apparent reason, there is oftentimes an OP involved.

 

Sorry

 

 

Minor disagree with you on the age thing LadyJane...I was 20 when I met my wife, who was recently divorced with a very young set of twins. We married later that same year when I was 21, and shortly after that we had a second set of twins. So, I was 21 with a wife and four kids, and with the exception of this past year (I know you know my story friend) I have absolutely no regrets about the last 17+ years. Not all of those cases where someone is young turns out bad...it depends on the people involved. By the time I'd met my wife, I was a SGT in the Army, and had already been through more than most men go through in their whole lives. The age thing CAN be an issue, and likely is for most...but not all.

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by Kimber

I am only concerning myself with the chance, if there is one, to work on our marriage.

 

 

If you still have feelings for him and/or you feel that there is still a chance for your marriage, then GO for it! Ten years from now, you can be sitting there, saying, "Well, I did all that I could possibly do." Or you could be sitting there saying, "God, I wish I would have tried X, Y or Z before calling it quits."

 

As far as the anger goes, I think men want to have a solution to problems. Your husband may listen to your abuse problems and feel angry. Not at YOU but at himself or the situation, because he can't help or change it and he knows it. It probably comes from a place of frustration.

 

When you go for coffee "to talk," make the "talk" count. Don't just chat about the weather.

[Kimber]

Originally posted by Lil Honey

When you go for coffee "to talk," make the "talk" count. Don't just chat about the weather.

 

I really don't want this to come across the wrong way, I really am not one to play mind games ..... Right after the separation up till the end of October (roughly 2 months) my husband knew that I would take him back in a heartbeat. It was only once I had no contact with him that I started to see things in a different light. When he came by this week I didn't let him see that it was killing me to be apart. Before when he knew he could have me back, he never seemed interested. I may be reading more than is there in his actions, but I'm wondering now if me being "distant" during our visit has maybe changed his outlook. I read in one of the other posts that me being "needy" and letting him know how much I miss him will get me nowhere. Whereas, if he can see I am getting on with my life it may give him a chance to rethink things.

 

I am willing to painfully carry on with life without him, but I do want my marriage back. I am still in love. Is this playing a game or just giving him a way to look at our marriage differently?

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Owl

Minor disagree with you on the age thing LadyJane...I was 20 when I met my wife, who was recently divorced with a very young set of twins. We married later that same year when I was 21, and shortly after that we had a second set of twins. So, I was 21 with a wife and four kids, and with the exception of this past year (I know you know my story friend) I have absolutely no regrets about the last 17+ years. Not all of those cases where someone is young turns out bad...it depends on the people involved. By the time I'd met my wife, I was a SGT in the Army, and had already been through more than most men go through in their whole lives. The age thing CAN be an issue, and likely is for most...but not all.

 

I was about that age too when I married my husband. He's within 2 months of my age though. I'm the older woman!!! He enjoys that IMMENSELY, btw.

 

I'm not sure what the "involvement" was in this case when Kimber's husband was 19. As a mother, I'd have a little problem with any 30+ year-old woman who "involved" herself in ANY way with my teenage son!

 

My point earlier was that if he was in any way impeded from living out that particular stage of life, he may be destined to repeat it. I wouldn't be surprised to find that if there is an OW behind the scenes somewhere, she is a young one.

[Kimber]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

 

 

I'm not sure what the "involvement" was in this case when Kimber's husband was 19. As a mother, I'd have a little problem with any 30+ year-old woman who "involved" herself in ANY way with my teenage son!

 

I did not come here to be judged on this .....what does your remark have to do with what I am asking? I'm not here because his Mother had/has a problem with me.

 

My point earlier was that if he was in any way impeded from living out that particular stage of life, he may be destined to repeat it. I wouldn't be surprised to find that if there is an OW behind the scenes somewhere, she is a young one.

 

I did come here for some support - as I said before, I'm not concerned with OW right at this moment, so maybe we could stop bringing that up? Trust me when I say he didn't miss out on any "stages" in life.

 

 

Wow, I read alot of posts on this forum before I felt comfortable enough to even post one myself. Now I'm starting to wonder if I made a mistake. I have been with this man for 12 years now. He is 32. Little late to wonder if I made a mistake starting a relationship with him. This post was not about whether age differences within a marriage can work - it was about trying to save a 6 year marriage that up till I started having problems relating to my childhood abuse was wonderful.

[Ladyjane14]

Sorry you took offense, Kimber. I was directing my last post to Owl.

 

I will however avoid your thread in the future. Perhaps some more "supportive" people may respond to help you with your problem.

[Kimber]

Well, he had planned on coming over on the weekend to see the children. In the past when he said he would call he seldom did. He called a bit ago to let my daughter know that he would be working this weekend. He might be back on Sunday and come by then - we will see. I have to give him credit for calling - it means alot to my daughter. She has been real torn up about all this. He is really the only Father she has ever known. My heart breaks for her. He ended up asking to speak with me. There were so many things I wanted to say but didn't. It was a "friendly" conversation but, whenever the opportunity arose to tell him how much I miss him, I shut it down. I can't see any harm in doing this - wearing my heart on my sleeve got me nowhere.....

[Kimber]

Does anyone have an opinion if I should try to "distance" myself from him? My friend says I should make myself totally unavailable where he is concerned. If he wanted to come back - why would this make any difference? Isn't that being dishonest and "messing" with him?

[Kimber]

Nevermind........I'm sure I can figure this one out all by myself.

[Owl]

Kimber- A "polite" suggestion. Don't be so quick to slam people who take tangents on your threads. Sometimes, those tangents can help yourself or others work out something that you might not have even thought of.

 

If you still love this guy, then get off your behind and do something about it. I'd suggest that the both of you try to work together and that you both do counseling. Individual for you to work through your childhood issues, and joint to work out how to deal with things as a couple. And I agree with the statement you've heard before...do your best to work it out now...so if you DON'T make it, you dont feel like you've given it your best shot later in life.

 

Realize that the people who post here have lives outside of LS too, just like you. We can't all be on all the time...and weekends tend to make LS run a lot slower as people are spending the time with their families and SOs. That is likely the main reason for your slow responses...good luck.