I Cheated, I Feel Victimized, My Life is Over

[poetlady]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three and a half years. We met in high school, and now we attend different colleges about three hours away from each other. We're together almost every weekend. My boyfriend has demonstrated some red flags in the past, like signing up for hook-up websites while we were together, establishing close "emotional relationships" with other women, and asking me for threesomes with my friends, but he has never physically cheated. We have worked through a lot of his issues together and it has made us stronger and more mature as a couple.

 

I am a writer, and the secretary of the poetry club that meets at my university. A new guy joined the club this semester, and friended me on Facebook about two months ago. Starting about three weeks ago, he started messaging me saying he wished I was single. He tried to get me to talk dirty with him online, or to meet up to "work on poetry" together. He even asked me if I would have sex with him if I was drunk (I had no explain the difference between consent and nonconsent). I did not engage in sexy conversation, I told him that we needed to just be friends since we have almost every class together (both creative writing majors), poetry club, and it's awkward for me to have to sit in class with him knowing he wants to do me, basically. I also explained that I'm in a very committed relationship. He agreed to back off.

 

Last week, after being perfectly civil for days and not bringing up sex, he asked me to drive him to the store because his car battery died. I should have said no. I'm seriously such a moron. I thought it might be a chance to patch things up and just be good, writer-friend-classmates, so I took him. When I parked to drop him off (it was at night) he started kissing me, and I kept trying to push him off, but it was also hard to stop. I just froze, I didn't know what to do. He just would not get out of my car. I don't want to be graphic, but he satisfied himself, right there in my front seat, and wanted me to do more, but I refused. I was basically cowering there terrified that he was going to make me do something I didn't want to do. It was a horrible experience, I am seriously not even attracted in the least to this individual. After he finally left, I went home and acted like nothing happened.

 

I have asked around to some other girls in my department, and this freak has literally tried this on every girl in his class. He chats women up on Facebook, asks them for seemingly harmless favors, and then tries to get them to drink or tries to get in their pants outright. I am so furious at this person for coming into my life and into my relationship with my partner. I am furious that he has done this to other women. At the same time though, I know I could have stopped him, I could have ordered him out of my car, I could have called the police and reported him.

 

My partner does not know what happened. If he knew, I don't think he could handle it. And I have to live with that, and also sitting in class every single day with this creep. I blocked him on Facebook, but I can't sit in class with him without replaying what happened. I can hardly get out of bed anymore, I'm so miserable.

 

I guess I just wanted to post this to get it all out, and see if anyone had any advice. Should I do the right thing and fess up with my partner and end it between us? I just feel like he is completely too good for me. For all that he has struggled, he has never gotten physical with anyone, and in fifteen minutes, I managed to screw things up this badly.

[InnocentMan]

If it happened exactly as you describe(assuming you left nothing out), then you probably should report him to the cops. He sounds like a rape waiting to happen. The time to stop this, was when he was inappropriate on facebook. I don't see the part where you "cheated", but you certainly shouldn't have put yourself in this position.

 

For what it's worth, your bf sounds like a bit of a douche, so don't feel so guilty about it. Signing up to hook up sites while he's with you? Come on!

[Assasda]

First of all, dont post this here like he took advantage you.

Dont even try to do it. You participated.

 

You should definately tell your boyfriend and beg him for forgiveness

[aliveagain]

Report him and tell your boyfriend, this is too big a secret to keep from him. If he finds out through a third party you will never be able to convince him that you didn't participate of your own free will. One of you needs to leave the poetry club.

[Space Ritual]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three and a half years. We met in high school, and now we attend different colleges about three hours away from each other. We're together almost every weekend. My boyfriend has demonstrated some red flags in the past, like signing up for hook-up websites while we were together, establishing close "emotional relationships" with other women, and asking me for threesomes with my friends, but he has never physically cheated. We have worked through a lot of his issues together and it has made us stronger and more mature as a couple.

 

I am a writer, and the secretary of the poetry club that meets at my university. A new guy joined the club this semester, and friended me on Facebook about two months ago. Starting about three weeks ago, he started messaging me saying he wished I was single. He tried to get me to talk dirty with him online, or to meet up to "work on poetry" together. He even asked me if I would have sex with him if I was drunk (I had no explain the difference between consent and nonconsent). I did not engage in sexy conversation, I told him that we needed to just be friends since we have almost every class together (both creative writing majors), poetry club, and it's awkward for me to have to sit in class with him knowing he wants to do me, basically. I also explained that I'm in a very committed relationship. He agreed to back off.

 

Last week, after being perfectly civil for days and not bringing up sex, he asked me to drive him to the store because his car battery died. I should have said no. I'm seriously such a moron. I thought it might be a chance to patch things up and just be good, writer-friend-classmates, so I took him. When I parked to drop him off (it was at night) he started kissing me, and I kept trying to push him off, but it was also hard to stop. I just froze, I didn't know what to do. He just would not get out of my car. I don't want to be graphic, but he satisfied himself, right there in my front seat, and wanted me to do more, but I refused. I was basically cowering there terrified that he was going to make me do something I didn't want to do. It was a horrible experience, I am seriously not even attracted in the least to this individual. After he finally left, I went home and acted like nothing happened.

 

I have asked around to some other girls in my department, and this freak has literally tried this on every girl in his class. He chats women up on Facebook, asks them for seemingly harmless favors, and then tries to get them to drink or tries to get in their pants outright. I am so furious at this person for coming into my life and into my relationship with my partner. I am furious that he has done this to other women. At the same time though, I know I could have stopped him, I could have ordered him out of my car, I could have called the police and reported him.

 

My partner does not know what happened. If he knew, I don't think he could handle it. And I have to live with that, and also sitting in class every single day with this creep. I blocked him on Facebook, but I can't sit in class with him without replaying what happened. I can hardly get out of bed anymore, I'm so miserable.

 

I guess I just wanted to post this to get it all out, and see if anyone had any advice. Should I do the right thing and fess up with my partner and end it between us? I just feel like he is completely too good for me. For all that he has struggled, he has never gotten physical with anyone, and in fifteen minutes, I managed to screw things up this badly.

 

Hmmmm...

 

First of all you simply have to be honest with your boyfriend. Whether or not he has hit websites or tried to get you to do 3 ways does not absolve you of your actions.

 

So again let me get this straight...

 

This guy badgers you for sex weeks earlier and then agrees to back off after you tell him you are in a committed relationship and you thought it would be a good idea to give him a ride so you could "patch things up"?

 

THEN....

 

Instead of coming clean you ask about him after the fact with some of your friends and am infuriated by what you have discovered?

 

Uh, he did not come into your life...you invited him into your life when you decided to patch things up with him in your car.

 

Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for our own actions....I suggest you start acting like an adult and come clean with your boyfriend so he can determine if he wants to be in relationship with you anymore. It is no longer up to you. And not telling him is just protecting yourself like a common coward.

[crederer]

I dunno if that'd be considered rape but definately sexual assault or harassment. He needs to be reported as he's done it before and will keep doing it if no one says anything.

[Assasda]

He didnt sexually assault her.

She wanted to do it.

 

Makes her feel better by saying "I kept trying to push him off, but it was also hard to stop. I just froze, I didn't know what to do."

 

please....

[road]

Report him to the police and the college.

[crederer]

He didnt sexually assault her.

She wanted to do it.

 

Makes her feel better by saying "I kept trying to push him off, but it was also hard to stop. I just froze, I didn't know what to do."

 

please....

 

Yah bud, clearly you don't know much about the law. She said no. Doesn't matter what she did after that. There are psychological and physical reasons what women freeze up in these situations. She quite clearly wanted no part of it, let it be known, and the guy decided to jerk off.

 

I hear what you're getting at, I know what you're referring to but in this situation, from the info provided, I do not believe this was one of those cases.

[The Way I Am]

That was sexual assault. Like MrDudeFace said, you didn't do anything wrong other than giving a scumbag the benefit of the doubt. Next time some guy says inappropriate things to you, you know why you should keep your distance.

 

You should report this to the authorities. This creep needs to be stopped before he rapes someone. Seriously, if you and the other women this has happened to come forward, you could save a future victim of this creep.

 

Tell your bf what happened. If he isn't a douche, he'll understand and want to help you. If your bf gets mad at you or reacts at all like Assasda has in this thread, drop him immediately.

[Assasda]

Yah bud, clearly you don't know much about the law. She said no. Doesn't matter what she did after that. There are psychological and physical reasons what women freeze up in these situations. She quite clearly wanted no part of it, let it be known, and the guy decided to jerk off.

 

I hear what you're getting at, I know what you're referring to but in this situation, from the info provided, I do not believe this was one of those cases.

 

The thing that she posted on here is "I Cheated, I Feel Victimized, My Life is Over" So I think she had something to contribute. She didnt post "I was raped" or "I was assaulted" - I would like her to come by and clear it up.

 

Sexual assault is a serious allegation, its much different from cheating.

If she was sexually assualted, she shouldnt have any problem telling her boyfriend

[poetlady]

I think the problem is that I agreed to pick this guy up. I should have known not to do that after he had been flirting with me. In my head, I thought it might make things less awkward in my classes and my club if we had a friendly aquaintanceship outside of his initial creepiness.

 

That being said, I am not attracted to this person, I am actually totally disgusted by this person. But I didn't stop what happened that night, and so I do feel like it was cheating. I am usually such an assertive woman. I should have verbally told him to leave.

 

Based on the other women in my major's department that are coming out of the woodwork, I do see this guy as a predator. A group of us have reported him for harassment. Two women also reported him for stalking. None of us knew this was happening to our fellow female classmates, so it has all come out over the course of this week.

 

If I know that this will never happen again, that I will never even put myself in a situation where I'm alone with a man besides my partner again, should I tell him or not? Is it worth hurting him, damaging our relationship more, and putting this nasty mental image of me in his mind? I'm just so scared to lose him.

 

He really is a good guy. I mean, he was barely sixteen when we started dating so I can hardly blame him for typical high schooler transgressions. In the last year and a half, he has really shown himself to be a committed, respectful partner. He gives me amazing advice, supports everything I want to do from academics to my career, and really makes me feel empowered to follow my dreams. I'm a jackass for letting this pervert who obviously has no respect for me, my relationship, or women in general get in the way of that.

[Eivuwan]

If your partner is really as good as you say he is, then he should be understanding of the situation.

 

I think the problem is that I agreed to pick this guy up. I should have known not to do that after he had been flirting with me. In my head, I thought it might make things less awkward in my classes and my club if we had a friendly aquaintanceship outside of his initial creepiness.

 

That being said, I am not attracted to this person, I am actually totally disgusted by this person. But I didn't stop what happened that night, and so I do feel like it was cheating. I am usually such an assertive woman. I should have verbally told him to leave.

 

Based on the other women in my major's department that are coming out of the woodwork, I do see this guy as a predator. A group of us have reported him for harassment. Two women also reported him for stalking. None of us knew this was happening to our fellow female classmates, so it has all come out over the course of this week.

 

If I know that this will never happen again, that I will never even put myself in a situation where I'm alone with a man besides my partner again, should I tell him or not? Is it worth hurting him, damaging our relationship more, and putting this nasty mental image of me in his mind? I'm just so scared to lose him.

 

He really is a good guy. I mean, he was barely sixteen when we started dating so I can hardly blame him for typical high schooler transgressions. In the last year and a half, he has really shown himself to be a committed, respectful partner. He gives me amazing advice, supports everything I want to do from academics to my career, and really makes me feel empowered to follow my dreams. I'm a jackass for letting this pervert who obviously has no respect for me, my relationship, or women in general get in the way of that.

[Kate9292]

If it happened exactly as you describe(assuming you left nothing out), then you probably should report him to the cops. He sounds like a rape waiting to happen. The time to stop this, was when he was inappropriate on facebook. I don't see the part where you "cheated", but you certainly shouldn't have put yourself in this position.

 

For what it's worth, your bf sounds like a bit of a douche, so don't feel so guilty about it. Signing up to hook up sites while he's with you? Come on!

 

Yeah, he's obviously has wandering eyes, having a little escapade like that can't hurt - if he can, so can you.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

If I know that this will never happen again, that I will never even put myself in a situation where I'm alone with a man besides my partner again, should I tell him or not? Is it worth hurting him, damaging our relationship more, and putting this nasty mental image of me in his mind? I'm just so scared to lose him.

 

 

 

 

The main criteria for whether you tell your b/f or not, is whether there is any chance that the b/f will find out on his own.

 

While this is not a standard cheating scenario, where that concern should be the iron-clad decision-maker, it would still likely save you from having to take your chances about telling your guy.

 

(the story has been vague here, so I'm sure your b/f would want graphic details you've not disclosed, and who knows where his mind would take those disclosures)

[damien201]

I'm surprised at how sympathetic everyone is with the OP in this situation.

 

 

I'm pretty sure anyone here would be entirely mind ****ed if their partner came home and said "So there's this person I've been talking with....we made out in the car and I helped them get off....BUT THERE WAS SERIOUSLY NOTHING I COULD SAY TO MAKE THEM LEAVE AND I WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!"

 

 

Come on.

 

Is it really so acceptable for a women to be a "deer in the headlights?" What the hell is that?

 

Would the morality of this situation even be under discussion if genders were reversed?

Edited October 23, 2013 by damien201

[crederer]

Jesus christ I'm so tired of people turning things into sex wars on here.

 

Based on her story (which may be lies, I wasn't there, but have no reason to doubt her) she was sexually assaulted. Period. It may or may not have happened that way, only she knows. So let's just go on the info provided.

[Darren Steez]

He didnt sexually assault her.

She wanted to do it.

 

Makes her feel better by saying "I kept trying to push him off, but it was also hard to stop. I just froze, I didn't know what to do."

 

please....

 

You're a bit of an ass aren't you...come on, fess up!

 

Ever been robbed? Where you don't know what to do and you just freeze. Some victims freeze, she said it was hard to stop, if you try to push someone off you and they keep pressing themselves on you, tell me champion, what was she supposed to do?

 

I'm only going by what the poster said, real or not. Sounds like assault, she said no, he didn't take it, so he exposed himself and "satisfied" himself.

 

OP, you need to tell your BF but you also need to tell an authority or somebody, you maybe doing yourself and other girls a favor but also this guy, one day it maybe a girl with a guy he doesn't take too kindly to men doing whatever with their girls.

[Trimmer]

The thing that she posted on here is "I Cheated, I Feel Victimized, My Life is Over" So I think she had something to contribute. She didnt post "I was raped" or "I was assaulted" - I would like her to come by and clear it up.

Only it turns out that she doesn't owe you an explanation.

 

Sexual assault is a serious allegation, its much different from cheating.

If she was sexually assualted, she shouldnt have any problem telling her boyfriend

My god - do you actually know any female human beings?

 

I'm pretty sure anyone here would be entirely mind ****ed if their partner came home and said "So there's this person I've been talking with....we made out in the car and I helped them get off....BUT THERE WAS SERIOUSLY NOTHING I COULD SAY TO MAKE THEM LEAVE AND I WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!"

Can you please explain how you have inferred that she "helped him get off"?

 

To the OP: it sounds like you and your group have finally broken the silence and come together to communicate about this guy. It also sounds like you are still conflicted about your role and your actions. I'm not going to proclaim judgment or try to split hairs, but I would suggest that aside from going to the "authorities", can you find out whether your school has counseling services available, so that after taking care of that civic duty to your fellow students to get this guy reported, you put some energy into taking care of yourself and work some of this stuff out in a safe environment that's about helping you?

[Darren Steez]

I'm surprised at how sympathetic everyone is with the OP in this situation.

 

 

I'm pretty sure anyone here would be entirely mind ****ed if their partner came home and said "So there's this person I've been talking with....we made out in the car and I helped them get off....BUT THERE WAS SERIOUSLY NOTHING I COULD SAY TO MAKE THEM LEAVE AND I WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!"

 

 

Come on.

 

Is it really so acceptable for a women to be a "deer in the headlights?" What the hell is that?

 

Would the morality of this situation even be under discussion if genders were reversed?

 

You do know women have been killed when trying to fight back. What if she's never been in that situation before? I despair at some of the stuff I'm reading. Seems like trolling. Can't get my head around it.

[ffsear]

If this were my girlfriend, I'd be very supportive of the situation. As this guy would be on the wrong end of a very serious beating!

[damien201]

You do know women have been killed when trying to fight back. What if she's never been in that situation before? I despair at some of the stuff I'm reading. Seems like trolling. Can't get my head around it.

 

Yes I know women have been killed trying to fight back. But read her story.

 

This is a guy she outright knew wanted to have sex with her. Along with flirting. She knew from the very beginning what he wanted out of that relationship. She didn't even ask him to get out of the car.

 

 

Again, this wouldn't fly for any man in the world.

 

"Sorry honey, I knew that she wanted to have sex with me because she told me outright. And when she asked for a ride late at night and started kissing me and feeling herself, I just couldn't make her stop!!!!!!!........I think we better report her to the police...."

 

So she came dangerously close to cheating (or actually did, her words) with some sleezy pickup artist and now she feels ashamed and stupid about it. Sounds about right to me.

[Chi townD]

Ummm... a lot of gray area's. Could they get him on sexual assault? maybe. Don't know if a state DA is going to want to spend the taxpayers dollars on a case for an unwanted kiss. But, they could definitely get him on indecent exposure and lewd behavior (but the DA is going to need proof, and in this case, this dude is going to need to confess)

 

If this went down as you say it did. Then, I would just write it off and stay as far away from this perv as you can. Just go about with your life.

 

Also, if it went down like you said, then you didn't cheat. You never wanted this guys advances. You never willingly accepted them. Therefore, you didn't cheat. The only thing you're guilty of is putting yourself in a bad position.

[Assasda]

I think the problem is that I agreed to pick this guy up. I should have known not to do that after he had been flirting with me. In my head, I thought it might make things less awkward in my classes and my club if we had a friendly aquaintanceship outside of his initial creepiness.

 

That being said, I am not attracted to this person, I am actually totally disgusted by this person. But I didn't stop what happened that night, and so I do feel like it was cheating. I am usually such an assertive woman. I should have verbally told him to leave.

 

She Cheated with this guy. I can give her some advice. If you cheated, dont let it sound like you got assaulted.

You should also, as I said in my first post, tell your boyfriend, and hope for forgiveness

[pteromom]

He didnt sexually assault her.

She wanted to do it.

 

Makes her feel better by saying "I kept trying to push him off, but it was also hard to stop. I just froze, I didn't know what to do."

 

please....

 

???????????????????????

 

Are you serious?

 

You have no idea what it is like to be a woman with a sexually aggressive guy.

 

O. M. G.

 

When you are scared and in a situation you've never been in before, you freeze and freak out. You can't think, because you are in shock and are scared. You are scared to leave, because you don't know what this guy will do. You are scared to fight. You get to this place where you don't know what to do but wait until it is over.

 

It may not "quite" be rape, but it is still a very scary thing to go through, and you still end up with all those feelings of being dirty and weak.