Im having a talk with my ex tommorow....

[aznkevin]

So long story short I met this girl when working. She fell for me head over heals, broke up with her boyfriend because he lived in another country and said he was controlling or whatever. She said he was an old chapter and I was the new chapter. We had a the best couple of months, I treated her like gold. She was always saying she knows im right for her, that were meant to be, already saying I love you's and having great sex. She could literally look me in the eyes and tell me she wants it forever and that I am so right for her. She then left for college about an hour away. She joined a sorority which I was reluctant to. Anyways she has bee super busy with everything and I was becoming a second or third priority. I started bringing it up and she would get mad but would understand and then try harder. It got to the point where I barely talked to her, saw her only like once or twice a week and it was frustrating.

 

I came over her house one night and got there before her. I stupidly went on her computer and saw that she messaged her ex saying she missed him, how she still thinks maybe she would see him again and things would fall back into place, and that she hoped she didn't blow her shot! WHAT?! how could she, after everything I ****ing did for her and been there for her and treated her like a dam queen. Anyways I pretty much forced it out of her to tell me she messaged him, didn't tell her I saw it. She cried and said all this stuff that made me think we were back on track. I slept over, cuddled everything was perfect. The next morning she broke up with me saying she possibly jumped into the relationship so fast and that she needs to be alone and sad for a while. UGH this girl is making me crazy. I just left her house emotionless, didn't beg, or plead or cry, even though I loved her so ****ing much

 

A week goes by when we don't say anything and I sent her an email, pretty much spilling my heart out and asking her if the chapter is really closed for us so I can move on. She replies saying, distance didn't work for us because I guess I wanted more attention from her, and that she thinks we could be meant to be, we had magic and so forth. Then she ends it by saying "I don't think our chapter is closed, But I don't think I can give you what you want, I don't know what to do, I miss you" HUH?! what does that even mean. So I started small talk with her and eventually asked if I can talk to her on the phone. She said she was sick that night and said the next night. Then the next night comes along and says she is busy with school and her sorority and so tomorrow we can talk around 6 o clock. I would rather talk when she is home and settled in but whatever, this is my only chance to fix things and hopefully see how she feels and not blow it. WHAT DO I DO? I NEED HELP TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO SAY AND HOW TO SAY IT WITHOUT BEING ANNOYING OR CLINGY. This is me either trying to fix it or move on, delete her from facebook and forget about her. I cant keep hoping what ifs...

Edited October 22, 2013 by aznkevin

[Marn1]

I'm in a similar spot with my boyfriend... He seriously treats me like gold and is the biggest sweetheart. I know he's good for me and my life is a lot less stressful because he's in it... Things have been rocky from the start though because I'm not fully over my ex(who didn't treat me as well and I wasn't as physically attracted to). I've been staying in the relationship hoping I can snap out of it but it hasn't happened yet. We've talked about it a couple of times and basically said if something didn't change by the end of the month, we'd call it quits. He told me he loves me last night. I don't love him yet and feel like a piece of crap and a total "you know what".

 

Part of me thinks that he just needs to stand up for himself and put up some boundaries. I haven't had to question his love from the start and it scared the crap out of me.

 

Do you have you're own life outside of her? Maybe if you create a little bit of distance and focus more on work and some extra curricular activities she won't feel like she is being smothered by you.

 

Maybe you should say something along the lines of how much you like her and want to make things work, but that you don't want to be an afterthought. Maybe if you suggest going back to seeing other people or going on a break while she figures out her own issues... She might realize that she could lose you and that could be enough to make her realize how much she wants you.

[lylat333]

WHAT DO I DO? I NEED HELP TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO SAY AND HOW TO SAY IT WITHOUT BEING ANNOYING OR CLINGY. This is me either trying to fix it or move on, delete her from facebook and forget about her. I cant keep hoping what ifs...

 

This girl is not ready for a relationship, unfortunately, so I wouldn't be worried about "blowing it".

 

Major red flag many ignore: getting involved with someone who engages in behavior you would never want taking place in your own relationship. They think, "I'm the special one!" Nope.

 

She doesn't know what she wants, clearly. This is not a knock on you, it sounds like an issue purely to do with her.

 

NOW is the time to stop engaging in contact. If I were you I would absolutely, positively back out of the phone call tomorrow. No good is going to come from it. Sorry to sound so cynical but I can pretty much guarantee you as soon as she realizes she's got control of you she's going to abuse that power, hang you with it, and leave you feeling helpless. Right now you are sending a clear message she can get away with emotional infidelity and still have you pining for her.

 

I know it's probably not what you want to do, but I would stop being friends, cut contact and let her sort out her issues. Do not be a doormat, do not positively reinforce her behavior. Have some self-respect and show you are willing to walk away from a bad situation and take it from there. Whatever you do, do not be so quick to try and turn this into a reconciliation.

 

P.S. imo my advice is the 100% sure-fire way to not come off as annoying or clingy which is what you seem concerned about, and rightfully so. Near the end of things w/ my ex I was having such a hard time figuring out how to communicate without sounding clingy or annoying. I accepted her offering to come hang out at my house which turned out to be the last time I ever saw her. In hindsight I wish I would have turned her down and stopped pushing her away with my neediness. I think this is your window of opportunity to do a 180 and turn things around.

Edited October 22, 2013 by lylat333

[aznkevin]

The phone call is pretty much closure, to honestly see how she feels about me. I know she still loves me, I have a gut feeling, but at the same time I know she could just be messing with my head because obviously she does have all the power. She used to be the clingy one which blows my mind. I was always there when she needed me, and now that she has a ****load of sorority friends, I guess she doesn't need me after all. I feel like I have to go through with the phone call just so I can finally tell her im moving on.

[aznkevin]

This girl is not ready for a relationship, unfortunately, so I wouldn't be worried about "blowing it".

 

Major red flag many ignore: getting involved with someone who engages in behavior you would never want taking place in your own relationship. They think, "I'm the special one!" Nope.

 

She doesn't know what she wants, clearly. This is not a knock on you, it sounds like an issue purely to do with her.

 

NOW is the time to stop engaging in contact. If I were you I would absolutely, positively back out of the phone call tomorrow. No good is going to come from it. Sorry to sound so cynical but I can pretty much guarantee you as soon as she realizes she's got control of you she's going to abuse that power, hang you with it, and leave you feeling helpless. Right now you are sending a clear message she can get away with emotional infidelity and still have you pining for her.

 

I know it's probably not what you want to do, but I would stop being friends, cut contact and let her sort out her issues. Do not be a doormat, do not positively reinforce her behavior. Have some self-respect and show you are willing to walk away from a bad situation and take it from there. Whatever you do, do not be so quick to try and turn this into a reconciliation.

 

P.S. imo my advice is the 100% sure-fire way to not come off as annoying or clingy which is what you seem concerned about, and rightfully so. Near the end of things w/ my ex I was having such a hard time figuring out how to communicate without sounding clingy or annoying. I accepted her offering to come hang out at my house which turned out to be the last time I ever saw her. In hindsight I wish I would have turned her down and stopped pushing her away with my neediness. I think this is your window of opportunity to do a 180 and turn things around.

 

I also want to just know for sure if she doesn't want to be with me, that

 

email she left me with left me feeling utterly confused. I know what your

 

saying and to cut contact with her would be the smart thing to do, but

 

than I think about the what ifs, and it kills me. I want to go through with the call just so I can get her to tell me what she wants, truthfully and then if she doesn't want anything, delete delete delete everything and move on. I mean I do feel stupid, I make time for her even though I go to school full time and work.

[aznkevin]

I'm in a similar spot with my boyfriend... He seriously treats me like gold and is the biggest sweetheart. I know he's good for me and my life is a lot less stressful because he's in it... Things have been rocky from the start though because I'm not fully over my ex(who didn't treat me as well and I wasn't as physically attracted to). I've been staying in the relationship hoping I can snap out of it but it hasn't happened yet. We've talked about it a couple of times and basically said if something didn't change by the end of the month, we'd call it quits. He told me he loves me last night. I don't love him yet and feel like a piece of crap and a total "you know what".

 

Part of me thinks that he just needs to stand up for himself and put up some boundaries. I haven't had to question his love from the start and it scared the crap out of me.

 

Do you have you're own life outside of her? Maybe if you create a little bit of distance and focus more on work and some extra curricular activities she won't feel like she is being smothered by you.

 

Maybe you should say something along the lines of how much you like her and want to make things work, but that you don't want to be an afterthought. Maybe if you suggest going back to seeing other people or going on a break while she figures out her own issues... She might realize that she could lose you and that could be enough to make her realize how much she wants you.

 

I go to school, I just moved her so its hard for me to even hang with friends because I don't have many. I just keep thinking about her and its driving me effing nuts. I definitely need more hobbies or something. I want to tell her how I feel, which Im sure she already knows, but at the same time I want to also tell her its NOT okay to tell me all these crazy things and then just leave me as soon as she moves away. Its crazy, she always told me we could grow together an change through the distance, now she just wants to give up?

[lylat333]

The phone call is pretty much closure, to honestly see how she feels about me. I know she still loves me, I have a gut feeling, but at the same time I know she could just be messing with my head because obviously she does have all the power. She used to be the clingy one which blows my mind. I was always there when she needed me, and now that she has a ****load of sorority friends, I guess she doesn't need me after all. I feel like I have to go through with the phone call just so I can finally tell her im moving on.

 

Dude, I promise you I know exactly what you're going through. My ex was the clingy one in our relationship for most of the time, I usually felt I had plenty of control but that all changed at the end. When she called me up to offer to hang out that last time, I was really happy. I was like, "Wow, she's up for coming to see me again so we can talk! Now's my chance to salvage it!" If I could do it all over again I seriously would have never accepted her invitation to come over. All it did was put the final nail in the coffin, my neediness came through no matter how composed I tried to be. She knew I wanted it to work out.

 

I would really hate to see you miss this opportunity! Never has an LS thread made me want to reach through the monitor grab a hold of someone like this. The phonecall is weak, man... she is just going to use it as an opportunity to put you away and roast you on the backburner. It doesn't matter what you say after that, even if you say, "I'm done, I'm moving on." She's not going to care because she already beat you to the punch.

 

Again I don't mean to make this all out to be some cynical power struggle but please please please reject the phone call, reject her now! I have to go for a while but I wish you the best. Again, I promise... no good is going to come from that phone call. Nothing she says is going to make you feel you have closure, you're going to feel like you got dropped and you're going to be kicking yourself for coming off so needy at the tail-end of this. Like I said, rejecting this phone call is the sure-fire way to NOT be needy/clingy!

[Marn1]

My BF just moved into my area too. I know he doesn't have much of a life outside of me and that makes it really hard. I know you want to be around her all the time but for your own good, make yourself go out and do things without her and get a supportive friend base. You will be so much more attractive to anyone that way.

[aybc123]

Im sorry buddy, it sounds like you were the GIGs guy/ rebound for her previous relationship which she is obviously not over and probably has some kind of feelings for both of you as well as probably wanting to enjoy the single life with her friends. Im not sure this is going to work out for you. If it makes you feel better you still had those great couple of months and i doubt she was lying to you about how she was feeling at the time, but the problem with feelings that come on so suddenly - often with rebounds or people jumping between relationships - is that they can disappear just as fast.

 

also agree with lylatt, in my personal experience girls that are usually clingy or needy in a relationship always seem to have a surprisingly low tolerance for similar behaviour, something about disliking things in others that you dislike about yourself maybe, anyway it makes it very hard to work things out with them without just pushing them further away.

Edited October 22, 2013 by aybc123

[Polak]

Lylat is spot on. It's not until after that phone call that you'll realize it was a waste. Take it from us (those who have experienced similar feelings and experiences) and don't call. You don't need it.

 

And to conclude, you don't need her. You need to start thinking that. She obviously doesn't know where the hell she stands. She seems to be going in every direction (or at least has the potential to do so) and that's certainly not worth going after for any type of closure or understanding.

[aznkevin]

Lylat is spot on. It's not until after that phone call that you'll realize it was a waste. Take it from us (those who have experienced similar feelings and experiences) and don't call. You don't need it.

 

And to conclude, you don't need her. You need to start thinking that. She obviously doesn't know where the hell she stands. She seems to be going in every direction (or at least has the potential to do so) and that's certainly not worth going after for any type of closure or understanding.

 

I understand I shouldn't call her, all of you are so spot on. Im suppose to just walk away? should I even text her and say do you want to be with me or not? This girl is completely unhealthy for me and I know that, but at the same time, I kind of want to let her know how I feel about her manipulating me into loving her. After everything I did for her, how I was always there for her when she was upset or loney. I cant believe I have to make an appointment to talk to her. SOMEONE PUNCH ME IN THE FACE SO THAT I UNDERSTAND THIS GIRL IS A BITCH

[aznkevin]

I want to go no contact, but if i just walk away she just wins, and i have no say in the matter?

[Polak]

Look here... if you walk away, she doesn't "win" (if you want to think about it that way). You win. Because you are proving that you don't need her whatsoever.

Don't text, don't call, don't contact at all. You will realize this is a good decision as time goes on. I understand it doesn't seem like it at this time, but it is. You don't need to let her know anything... I bet she knows enough already anyway. Regardless of how you may have been an amazing boyfriend for her and yet she treated you like crap, don't let her get any response besides a cold silence. That will speak for itself.

 

If it makes it easier to avoid thinking about her for a while, go out and do something! Hangout with friends, do one of your hobbies, watch a movie, drive around listening to music, etc. There are endless options which can make this restless phase you are in easier to deal with.

[BC1980]

I want to go no contact, but if i just walk away she just wins, and i have no say in the matter?

 

No, that's not true. By talking to her, you are reinforcing to her that you need her to find any sense of peace. So she wins big time. Remember this one thing about human nature. Above all else, people hate to be ignored. It's a fact of life.

[aznkevin]

Hi Kev,

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you, I just got back from my clinic and I couldn't email you back. I've been thinking a lot about you and us and I think that distance just didn't work for us, we are so different and because of that we just couldn't do it. I think that we could be ment to be, we had magic, even if it wasn't right.

I wish I still had you in my life and I would like more than anything to see you but I understand if you can't do that.

I don't think our chapter is closed, but I don't think I can give you what you want... I don't know what to do.

 

I miss you

-Bec

 

This is her email to me, can anyone comprehend it?

[aznkevin]

That email is why i want to talk to her, so i can figure out what she means???

[Simon Phoenix]

That email is why i want to talk to her, so i can figure out what she means???

 

She wants to be your buddy but she doesn't want to date you. That's pretty much it. And honestly, asking her about the email is just going to bring about more questions on your side. If she wants to date you, she'll make that so clear that no interpretation is necessary.

[aznkevin]

Deleted her off of facebook, im finally going to listen to advice and not be a doormat. Not following through with phone call, as much as i want to bitch her out for messaging her ex the day before we were suppose to go to this concert which was mt birthday gift. Forget her. No contact

[lylat333]

Great to hear, OP. You'll be doing something very few dumpees have the power and wisdom to do.

 

The less you say, the better, the less emotion you show, the better, I promise. I know you want to tell her off, but quietly and gracefully bowing out of her life without fighting anymore is the absolute best thing you can do.

[aznkevin]

Great to hear, OP. You'll be doing something very few dumpees have the power and wisdom to do.

 

The less you say, the better, the less emotion you show, the better, I promise. I know you want to tell her off, but quietly and gracefully bowing out of her life without fighting anymore is the absolute best thing you can do.

Thank you so much for showing me the light, Ive been thinking about everything you said and everything she has done. She cant make time for me to even talk, blew me off the past 2 days to talk, no one is too busy to talk on the phone, I have to do it on her time? after I made so much of myself available at her whim? **** no, im better than that, better than her stupid lies and bull****. THANKS MAN, I hope in the end she gets someone that treats her like dirt and comes back to me, and ill say told ya.

[BC1980]

That email reeks of uncertainty. The best thing to do is to continue your life moving forward. If she wants to follow and be a part of that, she can get in touch with you. You might consider it:-) Be firm in your decision, and that's the most attractive thing you can do. Also, it's the best for you too.

 

When I dealing with wafflers, it's best to say "next" and leave them to stew in their own dysfunction. I've had to deal with waffling on steroids if you read my thread. It's best not to get caught up in their explanations because they will always change.