rae_lana Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I'm not trying to make you feel judged. I was in a very similar spot. We told our spouses and are ending our marriages, but that was after almost a year of the back and fourth and me being very confused! I felt a lot like you are saying you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 But why do you need the attention and excitement? You need to dig deeper. And you have just contradicted yourself. If he meant nothing to you, you would not think about him at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 If he texted you today and said.. "I'm so sorry, I've just had so many feelings I didn't understand so I tried to push you away and pretend I didn't care.. I do care.." .. Would you text him back? And what would you say? I wonder all the time if I'm normal. It's ok not to be, but not if its hurting people. Rae right now I wouldn't text him back. I don't want to talk to him about it and I don't want to know what he feels about it. I don't want to go there anymore or start up anything again. It was a disaster waiting to happen and I'm out of it. I'm glad I'm out of it. He's happy with his life and I can wish him well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rae_lana Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 When he would pull back and ignore me or act like we were "just friends" I'd be so hurt and confused and then get angry and say I was done with him.. But he would always come back like clockwork. Then he one day told me he was pulling away because his feelings freaked him out. Your OM may just be manipulating you however the important thing is how you react and what you would do if he really came back and tried again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 But why do you need the attention and excitement? You need to dig deeper. And you have just contradicted yourself. If he meant nothing to you, you would not think about him at all. I'm not sure why Anne????? Oh I'm not denying I think about him. Just not in as much frequency and I've got no need to want to talk to him anymore or anything. I still think about him and I think why..... But I know that I'm done with it if that makes sense? I don't feel like I NEED him anymore Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Then you have to figure out why. You need to find out why you have these needs so you can deal with them in a more healthy and less damaging way. Why not IC? Link to post Share on other sites
rae_lana Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Rae right now I wouldn't text him back. I don't want to talk to him about it and I don't want to know what he feels about it. I don't want to go there anymore or start up anything again. It was a disaster waiting to happen and I'm out of it. I'm glad I'm out of it. He's happy with his life and I can wish him well. I'm not going to try to convince you to confess. If you don't want to be with him and want to stay in your marriage. You can get past it, just be honest with yourself about how you feel. If its only over because he's not contacting you, then it will start again.. But if you know you could stay no contact even if he whispered sweet nothing's, more power to you. Focus on your kids, go dancing, go sky diving .. There's is excitement everywhere it's just hard to see while doing dishes and folding laundry. When you need someone to talk to come here but be prepared for the harsh comments too. I'm starting individual counselling .. If you can afford it, try it.. Say all this out loud and unburden yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 When he would pull back and ignore me or act like we were "just friends" I'd be so hurt and confused and then get angry and say I was done with him.. But he would always come back like clockwork. Then he one day told me he was pulling away because his feelings freaked him out. Your OM may just be manipulating you however the important thing is how you react and what you would do if he really came back and tried again. Very similar only I don't believe that he cared about me. I was just a bit of fun for when he was bored. He'd upSet me and not be bothered ignore me etc... He wasn't like your MM Rae why aren't you together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 No that's not the reason this time. Whether he contacts me or not hell get nothing from me again. I'll be his frend in a weird freaky sort of way because I have to but that's all we will be. No one to one conversations. No bringing it up. I'm not dealing with it again. Is love counselling or someone to speak to thinking of talking to a friend.... Haven't told anyone IRL yet. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Then get some counselling! It is easy to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 Then you have to figure out why. You need to find out why you have these needs so you can deal with them in a more healthy and less damaging way. Why not IC? Any ideas on a less damaging way? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 ????? That would depend on why you have those needs and how you can work on them. Better communication with your husband would be a start. And no, that is not sbout confessing about the affair though that would be a good start.... Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Unless you can identify the underlying need, the true root, the last why of whys...there is no solution. Only you have the answer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 Does everybody who cheats have something wrong with their relationship or are they just selfish bastards??? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 There is definitely something lacking in the person who cheats. If there is a problem in the marriage then either deal with it or end the marriage. If there is no problem in the marriage..... well in some ways there must be because one person is not giving the marriage their all. So how about arranging some IC for yourself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted October 23, 2013 Author Share Posted October 23, 2013 Is it expensive? My funds aren't great this time of year I'm getting Christmas sorted and paying off our holiday booked for May, Would be nice though. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 Betsy...you still don't "get it". You shtupped another man. You romantically fantasized about what life would be like with him. You carried on, behind your H's back because you knew how he'd feel, for months. THIS WAS AN AFFAIR. NOTHING LESS THAN THAT. If you think it was less...then go tell your H that this is what happened, and that you don't think it was that big of a deal...that you made more of it than it was. See if he agrees. So...does your marriage mean enough to you to take action to prevent this from happening again? What's more important...your marriage, or Christmas? You keep trying to reduce how big this is. You know fully well how truly big of a deal cheating is...you've noted that you think your H would view it as a dealbreaker for your marriage...which is why you've REFUSED to tell him the truth. IC might be expensive, or it might be covered under your insurance, or your husband's. We can't tell you how that works for you...that's something you'll need to investigate for yourself. From my perspective, you need to work on your relationship with your H. You can't do that while keeping him in the dark about what you've done. Personally...I think you'll be doing the same thing again sometime in the future unless you actually sit down and talk with your H about all of this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 I'll be his friend in a weird freaky sort of way What does that mean? Regardless, it doesn't sound like the NC everyone here has been telling you to do for the last few months to get over this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 Is it expensive? My funds aren't great this time of year I'm getting Christmas sorted and paying off our holiday booked for May, Would be nice though. A holiday would be nice. But the counselling is what you need more. I have already suggested Relate to you. They are not for profit so the rates should be more affordable. I guess in the ends it depends on what you value more. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 No contact since it happened apart from the kids party. Apart from that not seen him since august. No texts nothing. Done. Just trying to work through why... Good. And what some people don't understand is that knowing what went wrong with you to make poor decisions is a process that takes a lot of introspection and a lot of time. Don't let people who demand that you should have all the answers, now, discourage you. You are doing the right thing to have stopped talking to him and asking questions that you feel will help you find the answers for yourself. Back to your original topic, yes I believe anyone in an affair becomes someone they never were if it is out of their character to have an affair in the first place. I believe that our behavior is formed according to the circumstances we put ourselves. For example if we do not cross that line of breaking our morals, we remain strong and feel good about ourselves. If we suddenly throw our morals out the window we put ourselves in circumstances which create toxic behaviors such as feeling needy or out of control. Or ignoring our guilt and we then start to dislike ourselves. There are so many ways we alter our behavior and thus our personal identity by the choices we make and the actions we take. Just keep doing what you know is right and you will continue to become the person you knew before the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 Good. And what some people don't understand is that knowing what went wrong with you to make poor decisions is a process that takes a lot of introspection and a lot of time. Don't let people who demand that you should have all the answers, now, discourage you. You are doing the right thing to have stopped talking to him and asking questions that you feel will help you find the answers for yourself. . I guess you think I am one of those "people". I am not demanding that Betsy should have all the answers now. She needs to find the answers but does not seem to be doing anything to do this. She has also not stopped talking to him. They have socialised since it was supposedly all over and they will continue to socialise in the future hence NC has not been established. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted October 24, 2013 Author Share Posted October 24, 2013 I wasn't calm and rational though and usually I am a pretty calm person. I became crazy texting all the time like some sort of lunatic. Sending pics that I'd NEVER send. I'm embarrassed of how I behaved. I can't change it now though . Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 You can't change the past but you can change the future if you make the effort. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 I wasn't calm and rational though and usually I am a pretty calm person. I became crazy texting all the time like some sort of lunatic. Sending pics that I'd NEVER send. I'm embarrassed of how I behaved. I can't change it now though . Embarrassment is good. Follow your emotions. That's a negative emotion associated with a bad decision (being in an affair). Continue to feel embarrassed and let that guide you to a better place where you can one day look back and say I'm not that person anymore and I'll never make those mistakes again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted October 24, 2013 Author Share Posted October 24, 2013 Thanks ladies x Link to post Share on other sites
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