Dating Rules after an 8 year Marriage

[chrissy]

I hope I can get some insight here....I am a very nice and respectful, loyal and geniune friend and person all together. I've been in love with my ex for over 12 years starting at 18 and now I am 29...he has cheated numerous times and now it is over after an 8 year marriage. My delima is that I met someone who made me laugh and with whom I have a lot in common. I made it clear on the first date that there would be no sex what so ever, and so it was, none! Then after a week we met again and he decided to try and he was on me, making me feel the way no man has ever...needless to say I couldn't help myself and I gave in. Now I haven't heard from him for a week and he said he'd call, no call! My delima is that I realize that he is probably out chasing future conquests and to be honest that is his business and I don't care, but I want to let him know that I really would still like to have a friend in him when he is free without seeming desperate (I'm not), just want someone to hangout every now and than for good company no sex. Should I let him know this or just let it go? I want to be mature and not be too proud to call and express my intentions for fear that he will think it is something else. I don't know what to do.....Help...Does he think I'm a slut and has no respect or what. Also for future reference when is it the right time to sleep with someone and still get respected in the morning so to say?

[Tony T]

First off, I am amused that you would want to be friends with a complete jerk with whom you shared an intimate sexual experience with at his urging and who does not call you following such. You sound like you have some standards for friendships. I hope you will make a more careful evaluation of this dude.

 

Now, to your questions. Men love challenges...so when you told this guy you wanted NO sex on the first date, in his mind you became a major challenge. Having succeeded in bedding you the following week, you were no longer a challenge for him. You will run into these types of guys, usually very immature for their age, players, just looking for sex. But there are many good guys out there too.

 

You will hear from him again...when he is not busy...and he will act like he just saw you the night before. Proceed with caution when dealing with him...unless you just want the same thing he does. This type of person is not interested in being a friend. He uses that great charm he won you over with to seduce his women. Just as an experiment, sure, you could let him know you would like to hang out with him as a friend...and see where it leads. Might be a nice adventure for you.

 

No, he doesn't think you're a slut. He probably has made no judgement of you one way or the other. But I'm sure you're a notch on the back of his bedpost. Men who are players and just like to seduce women do not see them as sluts, yet they do not see any woman as a potential for a relationship because that's not what they want. That's why I don't see much of a future for a friendship here.

 

The right time to sleep with a guy is when YOU feel good about it. You slept with this guy at the right time because you felt OK with it...and that was fine. But, as a practical matter, men will appreciate you and value the sexual experience much more if enough time has passed for a base of knowledge and trust to form.

 

So if you are just looking for sex, you need not worry. But if you are looking for something longer lasting, you should trust your instincts and get to know someone a bit first...and resist their attempts to force you into having sex before you feel it's right.

 

There is no right span of time for the first sexual encounter...two weeks...a month...two months...etc. It's just when YOU feel good about it. There is nothing better to trust than your intuition, if you have developed it properly and you have it working for you.

 

You're going to have to get back out there in the dating scene for a while before you get good at this...but you will. You do sound pretty sharp.

[chrissy]

Tony, thanks for so much insight. I'm not looking for a long lasting relationship, but I'm not looking to be someones booty call. I would like something a bit in between. Does that make any sense? I'm a very busy mother of three and once in a while I would not mind a regular partner to hang out with once in a while and sex would be a perk, especially since it was the first time in 8 years that someone touched me like this guy did. I don't take too many things personally and therefore the friendship thing. You make a valid point about my choice of friends, but I've always been objective too. I'm figuring that he is busy getting his notches, which is fine, to each his own, right! I'm just assuming that it gets old for a guy every now and then and having someone you can relate or just to go to a movie with is something he maybe interested in. I'm too afraid to call and suggest this at the sake that he will think he was such a great lover that I'm desparate for another shot. From a males perspective is that what he will assume? You seem to be very wish in this relationship, dating and sex thing....I would value any input. Thanks again!