Holding pattern...

[Jolly Roger]

Hello everyone, I'm a new guy...today in fact. I was hitting up google pretty hard and stumbled on this site.

 

It's nice to be able to just "spill it" and I appreciate the people who've done that. I also appreciate the people here who've taken the time to comment/reply. Kinda makes you feel...not so alone?

 

Alright well, short and sweet I guess. My wife and I always had sort of a rocky marriage, I was always out of town in our early years. We probably didn't bond and I know I didn't with her daughter.

 

Fast forward, we've been married 16 years, have 3 daughters together, hers makes the 4th. After staying home with the kids for years, she decides she wants to be a nurse, flunks out, goes into like a depression, and finally settles for some secretarial job. After about a year and a half there, I find all these deleted texts in her history, on her phone, between her and her boss. "I love you, I love you too, I love making love to you", thing's like that. So naturally, I suspect an affair and confronted her.

 

To her credit, she quit her job but over the course of the next two years I find, she never quit him. Repeatedly, month after month, I'd catch them in contact. She'd lie to him and lie to me. She once kicked me out and when I came home, because she wanted me to, he wanted to know where I slept. She told him, "on the couch". That really hurt my feelings because obviously, I didn't sleep on the couch! Yup, secret pre-paid phones, meetings...the works.

 

She finally broke down and admitted that she just couldn't quit him nor, she goes on to say, could she quit me either, she loved us both. It was a Saturday and she say's, "today, I'm going to decide who I'll be with and it will be the final decision". So I sit around all day waiting on her to "pick". Course, in my mind, I've already picked for her, you know what I mean, but I wanted to see who she'd pick.

 

Well, she never does make a pick...but I know who she didn't pick, me.

 

You know, I wanted to forgive her, we all screw up, and I need forgiveness too, we all do.

 

Oh, during all this turmoil, her daughter, now 21 years old, is running around smoking meth, just killing us financially cuz wifey was handing over the money. I finally had to quit giving her any money at all just to keep it from being smoked up. Naturally, that flew over like a turd in a punch bowl.

 

Today, we're 4 months separated. She say's she's done with that dude and that she still loves me, doesn't want a divorce....but she won't come home!

 

Now, her dad recently died and she say's she can't leave her mother right now. I can understand that and I'm trying to be considerate but honestly, it's not flying with me anymore. She, her crack head daughter, and her mother all live in another city and it seems to me, they like the arrangement very nicely.

 

She pulled my girls out of their schools and enrolled them there.

 

Anyway, I just feel like she's not coming home. She want's to so she say's she is but her actions speak much louder. And I know I can't live with her drug addicted daughter any longer. That girl has called the police on me twice, had all these thugs showing up at my house looking for their money, or their pills, she's constantly in jail for shop lifting. I just can't deal with it anymore but my wife say's she can live with her until she's 40 if need be.

 

Damn...I'm rambling, so much for short and sweet. I just feel like my life is on hold while it slips away.

[Mr. Lucky]

Not going to beat you up, you've done a pretty good job of that already.

 

The truth is that there are some people and relationships that are toxic - literally dangerous to your mental and physical well being. And while I'm usually in the "try and work it out" camp, hard to see anything here except your girls worth saving.

 

Is there anything in the tie-in to the drug user that would assist you in getting physical custody? Were I in your shoes, that would be job one. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dumped2013]

Dude,

Get rid of the situation and try to get custody of your kids. I'm sure with her daughter and the drugs that would be pretty good grounds of you winning custody. As for the wife, I would dump her especially after the affair and lies.

[hayewils]

sorry man but the sooner you get out of this relationship the better off you will be. I know that is hard to swallow right now but you are nothing more than a doormat and a backup guy to her optional relationships that don't work. or are you the option (plan B)?

You will go through a difficult time, but over time you will see that you saved yourself in the end, and save your children as well..

Good luck to you..

[devilish innocent]

If she ever came back, I think it would only cause more trouble for you. I mean she had years to turn things around with the other guy. You can argue that everybody slips up and makes mistakes. What you can't argue is that anybody who's gone to as great lengths as she has to lie for as long as she has is somebody who's merely had a "screw up". That is somebody who obviously doesn't value honesty. You can't have any type of decent relationship with somebody who sees nothing wrong with continually cheating on you. You just can't. Sure, she might be yours if nobody else is around. But what if the other guy comes back or she falls for somebody new? I'm sure she'd still take advantage of that situation if she thought she could. You deserve better than that.

[Jolly Roger]

Hey guy's, thank you so much for your input. It's a funny thing to read other's dilemma here and think..."screw that", and yet, when it's your own heart, you're lost as crap.

 

I thought about trying for my girls and I suppose I could relatively easy enough, but the truth is...they don't wanna live with me, they want their momma.

 

I read that 180 thing on here and it's actually hilarious, I think I broke every rule...literally. I even followed her around the house, damn...I did it all! Trying to be much more aloof now, and already she's texting my like crazy.

 

I read some of your posts and I can identify with being 41 years old and thinking no one would want an old ass like me but I know that's a combination of wrong and me just being rejected.

 

Seriously, thank you all for commenting. It's good to know I'm not crazy.

[Jolly Roger]

Right now, she's hanging on to me, from a distant I might add. I'm a pretty decent looking guy and I'm constantly killing offers to go out because I'm holding on to an illusion Mr Lucky?

 

You were right about toxicity, she and I are simply toxic I think. She's a good girl in a simple way but it's amazing how unadult she can be. I've made my fair share of mistakes but I'm an ok fella too. I guess we're, as you say, toxic.

[dumped2013]

Dude,

Just keep the younger kids away from the meth head . 41 is still young. Go back a few pages and read the thread "the game" read 2.50's comments. There are plenty of normal women out there just waiting for a normal guy to show up . Me , I've got 10 years on you and still have hope for true love one day. Hang in there .

[secondfailure]

Today I decided to take control of this situation. NC rule has been in place since she left 2 months ago. Well she sends me a text and says lets talk about the next steps. I texted her back and asked what do you mean next steps. Do you mean divorce because the last time we spoke you said you wanted a divorce, She texted me back and said since I was being so snippy she said nevermind. So I said let me me pick up the phone and talk to her. So I get on the phone and the first thing she asked me was have you moved on with your life. And I said what difference does all of that make if you want a divorce. I saw one of our mutual friends at a sports BAR and she told me she told the ex she saw me. So I asked her what do you want from me? I dont want a divorce but I cant keep going through this. She said I cant tell becasue you have not called me or her kids. Really??? I reminded her that you told me not to bother you and to give you space. What she said next floored me...... She said who listens to that stuff. If you wanted this marriage you would have called me regardless... THen she said she had been asked out on a date and she didnt go. Now she may go. Two months ago I would have died.... AllI said was okay. I dont plasy second to no one. So I asked her agin are you sure you want a divorce becasue you dont sound like it. Well she said I know becasue of my anger toward you I can neverf love you the way a wife should. I was like okay. I am glad she said that.

 

So I told her if she wants a divorce then there is not need for her to ever contact me again becasue we dont have any kids and she signed the house over to me. She says I wil call you becasue your truck is still in my name. I said you know I will pay for that truck becasue I have to get to work. I am at peace with this becasue I know I have done all I can do with this situation. I told her I didnt want a divorce. BUt I will not play these childish games. MY heart still loves her but I have to close this book and continue to move forward.

 

That does not mean I will not have a moment where I think about her, but this game is over.. Why the heck would she say I didnt call her..

[Jolly Roger]

Secondfailure, you guys are in a state of "mad" and so it's kinda easy to do no contact. But for me, we're sorta in this, we still love each other mode, but she ain't home thing. Lol, I don't like living like this but I sure am enjoying the peace around here these last 4 months. I guess I'm getting tired of being on "hold"? I'm thinking the next few weeks will be telling. That's what I said a few weeks ago, lol.

 

Very proud of you man for keeping your distance and not getting sucked into bs, that's actually pretty hard to do. Most guys wanna control so bad they take the bait right off. I don't have a controlling bone in my body, just want my woman to want me and I don't like sharing. You seem to be the same way. Seems like alot of things people say are designed to be "triggers". Why can't people just be normal? Why not just have an intelligent conversation and make an informed choice. Hang in there secondfailure and thank you for posting.

[Jolly Roger]

Since you're being so snippy then NEVERMIND! Lol, classic.

[Mr. Lucky]

Right now, she's hanging on to me, from a distant I might add. I'm a pretty decent looking guy and I'm constantly killing offers to go out because I'm holding on to an illusion Mr Lucky?

I wouldn't say that, I'd simply say you're in Step #1...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

 

2. PAIN & GUILT-

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

 

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

 

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-

Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

 

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

 

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

 

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

 

7 Stages of Grief...

 

5. THE UPWARD TURN-

As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

 

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

 

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

[GuyInLimbo]

Jolly, the fact that you are still willing to accept her back tells me you need serious therapy and/or a punch to the back of the head for being stupid. This woman has played you repeatedly, disrespected you, exposed you to disease, crushed your self-esteem and self-respect. Yet, you want her back???? Are you serious?

 

I'm in my early 40s as well, and yeah, the thought has crossed my mind I may not find someone else. But browse some of the dating sites and you'll see there's a ton of women out there. I'm no Brad Pitt, but I have a fun personality and, frankly, pretty good in the sack, too. So, I'm crossing my fingers for when that step comes.

 

Anyway, you need to rid yourself of this woman AND the meth addict, mostly for your kids' sake. That is usually a one-way path to the grave.

[Jolly Roger]

You're right GuyInLimbo, her half brother and her best friend have both been buried here very recently. Early 20's, both of'em, very sad.

 

You're also right about needing a good punch! :-) My family thinks I'm crazy, I guess the simple answer is love...or addiction, something. Looking on this site, it's quickly apparent the power a SO has. Well, I had all my children with her, and we all want someone who'll stand by us through it all. I dunno, guess I'm just hoping or something.

 

One thing that has solidified in my thinking is that, her 21 year old daughter, who loves to try and run my house, does drugs, etc.. She will not live in the same house as me ever again. I do not hate the girl but she gives me the total creeps, I mean the total heebie jeebies man.

 

And see...I already know that's a major unresolved issue, probably a deal breaker for wife, but I'm not budging on it, it's a deal breaker for me too.

[Jolly Roger]

I think I need to admit something here and just be honest about it. I realize it may be somewhat shallow, but it is something that has caused me many a second thought.

 

Money...child support specifically. I talked with a lawyer and the amount I'd pay for 3 daughters is significant. Basically, take my income and half it. I'm thinking to myself, "damn, practically half my pay AND also, adjust my with holdings to single and zero...crap!"

[Jolly Roger]

Mr Lucky!

 

Haha, I remember doing all those stages at various times, the anger and bargaining is particularly humiliating. I'm definitely past that stage and absolutely refuse to revisit it. All the others? Lol, I think I rotate them around.

 

I think I'm in some sort of wierd acceptance thing right now. I don't pursue her any longer, if she calls, I'll talk. If she texts, I might back in a lil while. After reading 180, I do not talk about her coming home or any other issues, the time will come I now realize.

[dumped2013]

Dude,

When I changed my filing status to single and 1 my check went down 400 a month. But you have to consider the alternative. Staying with a cheater.