Why no breadcrumbs?

[AnyaNova]

This started out of another thread, that at the moment, should be obvious. And I thought the fairest thing, so as not to take up that thread and the victory, therein, was to start my own.

 

I am getting absolutely no breadcrumbs from my ex, and I don't anticipate there ever being any. I think all I am ever going to get from him is this stony silence and that does hurt. Like he thinks I did something wrong, or somehow intentionally hurt him. I don't understand.

 

I mean, the only thing he hasn't done is block me on facebook, but we aren't facebook friends anymore.

 

I mean, why? In any previous relationships, did any of you not give any breadcrumbs or acknowledgement of your ex at all? And if so, why?

 

And are there others who have yet to receive any breadcrumbs? Or am I the only one?

[ponchsox]

I haven't received any from my ex gf. She has been able to stay NC for three weeks now. She's just better at it than me. I'm actually glad she's not sending any breadcrumbs because it would hurt me more. Part of us wants a reaction from them, it's normal.

[Assasda]

You should just get back with him then

[AnyaNova]

Well, since he has made it clear that he does not want to, or indeed, want anything to do with me, that is obviously not an option.

 

Thanks.

 

Do you have anything to say to make me feel any worse about it?

[Polak]

Breadcrumbs aren't something you should "expect".... if anything, be glad you're not getting any, because they can slowly pull you back into a growing misery. You're not being left out! Just try not to think about him whatsoever, engage in whatever activities you enjoy doing in order to take your mind off of the situation.

[AnyaNova]

I haven't received any from my ex gf. She has been able to stay NC for three weeks now. She's just better at it than me. I'm actually glad she's not sending any breadcrumbs because it would hurt me more. Part of us wants a reaction from them, it's normal.

 

I did not see your response at first on my phone, but thank you for an taking the time to give a real reply.

 

I know I should be, I just wish I had some sign that he was still thinking of me.

I know it's stupid. And counterproductive, but it is how I feel.

[ponchsox]

I remember sending my ex a closure email asking her not to contact me any more. Stupid me broke contact via text and calling. She answered and responded to my texts which set me back even further. Finally, she said to stop contacting her when she realized she was doing more harm than good. I'm getting better at NC and her not responding is helping me.

[im_thedude]

This thread literally makes me angry. The question is so fundamentally flawed and backwards. I have to say, I keep up with other people on these forums and how their progress is. And your posts are alarming. You are repeatedly letting yourself stumble over something behind you. It's almost like you're a glutton for this kind of emotional ravage.

 

Here's a thought. He isn't contacting you because he DOES NOT WANT TO. He's not contacting you because he is trying to move on. He's not sending you breadcrumbs because, hey, maybe he is a good guy and doesn't want to do that to you. Or maybe he's too busy smashing every hot blonde in a 50 mile radius, and you simply don't exist to him anymore.

 

I think it's normal to wonder if your ex is thinking about you. But that's where you have to draw the line. You take that particular thought, and purposely move on to think about something else. It takes effort on your part to suppress and ultimately kill the feelings surrounding your ex. When you miss him, or wonder if he misses you - don't sit on the computer and ponder it. Change what you're doing up. Go make an omelette. Go for a jog. Text a friend. YOU have to take your mind off of it.

Edited October 23, 2013 by im_thedude

[AnyaNova]

This thread literally makes me angry. The question is so fundamentally flawed and backwards. I have to say, I keep up with other people on these forums and how their progress is. And your posts are alarming. You are repeatedly letting yourself stumble over something behind you. It's almost like you're a glutton for this kind of emotional ravage.

 

Here's a thought. He isn't contacting you because he DOES NOT WANT TO. He's not contacting you because he is trying to move on. He's not sending you breadcrumbs because, hey, maybe he is a good guy and doesn't want to do that to you. Or maybe he's too busy smashing every hot blonde in a 50 mile radius, and you simply don't exist to him anymore.

 

I think it's normal to wonder if your ex is thinking about you. But that's where you have to draw the line. You take that particular thought, and purposely move on to think about something else. It takes effort on your part to suppress and ultimately kill the feelings surrounding your ex. When you miss him, or wonder if he misses you - don't sit on the computer and ponder it. Change what you're doing up. Go make an omelette. Go for a jog. Text a friend. YOU have to take your mind off of it.

 

I'm sorry. I did not mean to upset or alarm you.

 

For me, and the precise manner of our last meeting, perhaps you could try and understand why the question of how someone could go from such strong feeling to nothing, might be weighing on my mind.

 

So many people here have posted about the chance they had to respond or not respond, the choice and the power the it restored to them.

 

Above and beyond wanting a sign that the ex is thinking of me a little, at least,

 

You can see why I might want that? Or how that might not be so unhealthy?

 

I apologize. I thought I was posting honestly about where I am at at any given moment. I did not realize that I would be so harshly judged for not making progress according to your schedule and in the manner that you would wish.

Edited October 23, 2013 by AnyaNova

[Mr Scorpio]

You can see why I might want that? Or how that might not be so unhealthy?

 

I can see how you might want that. I can also see how a heroin addict might want just a little taste. Now, while I don't mean for that to sound offensive, I also stand behind the validity of the comparison. I believe it is safe to say that if your ex sent you a message, your heart would flutter, your eyes would dilate, and your breath would quicken. All of this, because your mind is telling your brain "hey! unload some of that serotonin!".

 

And then what?

 

Maybe you fight the temptation to reply for a few days, maybe even a week, but sooner or later you get that itch. "Well he replied the last time". And maybe he replies the second time. Maybe you even talk on the phone.

 

And then what?

 

When does it end? Will you eventually settle into just being friends? Or will you keep stringing yourself along through an inconsistent bout of highs and lows, utterly dependent on your ex?

[JoelBarish]

I think the_dude meant well Anya. He doesn't want to see you suffering.

 

You said that it was good that I had the chance to choose to not make contact. You have the chance to make that choice everyday. Every day you control yourself and don't make contact you are winning another victory.

 

You can't know what is going on with your ex. Maybe he is marking on the calendar every day that he doesn't contact you because he too is trying to heal. And maybe in 6 months time he will break his own NC. And if that happens, what will you do? Will you be healed enough by then to keep your NC?

 

Time will make a difference. In a few months I will probably complain on this forum that my ex hasn't given me any breadcrumbs in FOREVER! Or maybe not. Maybe you and I will be completely over it and dating new people and the only breadcrumbs we will want will be in our meatloaf, as Mr Scorpio wisely put it.

[AnyaNova]

On the one hand, I can see where you would be right.

 

On the other, I actually thought for a second (it turned out not to be him) that I saw him for a second in my town. My reaction was not that of what you said. I actually more like panicked. I just wanted to run. Away. fast. :-)

 

Perhaps I would have a combination of those reactions, I do not know.

[im_thedude]

I'm sorry. I did not mean to upset or alarm you.

 

For me, and the precise manner of our last meeting, perhaps you could try and understand why the question of how someone could go from such strong feeling to nothing, might be weighing on my mind.

 

So many people here have posted about the chance they had to respond or not respond, the choice and the power the it restored to them.

 

Above and beyond wanting a sign that the ex is thinking of me a little, at least,

 

You can see why I might want that? Or how that might not be so unhealthy?

 

I apologize. I thought I was posting honestly about where I am at at any given moment. I did not realize that I would be so harshly judged for not making progress according to your schedule and in the manner that you would wish.

 

Where you are at is not a good place, and where it's plainly obvious you want to go is an even worse place.

[Mr Scorpio]

On the other, I actually thought for a second (it turned out not to be him) that I saw him for a second in my town. My reaction was not that of what you said. I actually more like panicked. I just wanted to run. Away. fast. :-)

 

Fair enough. When I saw my ex for the first time post-BU my initial reaction was the same as yours. However, that reaction was short-lived and I soon turned to anger. Then, later on, when she sought me out and tapped me on the back, that's when I "ran" away. Fast. And that was the last we ever saw of each other.

[AnyaNova]

I think the_dude meant well Anya. He doesn't want to see you suffering.

 

You said that it was good that I had the chance to choose to not make contact. You have the chance to make that choice everyday. Every day you control yourself and don't make contact you are winning another victory.

 

You can't know what is going on with your ex. Maybe he is marking on the calendar every day that he doesn't contact you because he too is trying to heal. And maybe in 6 months time he will break his own NC. And if that happens, what will you do? Will you be healed enough by then to keep your NC?

 

Time will make a difference. In a few months I will probably complain on this forum that my ex hasn't given me any breadcrumbs in FOREVER! Or maybe not. Maybe you and I will be completely over it and dating new people and the only breadcrumbs we will want will be in our meatloaf, as Mr Scorpio wisely put it.

 

I know. But honestly, I had a little "thing" when I saw another breadcrumbs post. It was just that. It was "little" it was something, but it wasn't that big. I thought I would post about it here, because it usually helps, and then it goes away.

 

But actually, hearing that my posts are apparently, "alarming" that I am apparently the slow one in the group, that apparently somehow by trying to post where I am at, I am somehow really messed up in comparison to everyone else or something, that really hurt. I am trying to get through this, my vitamin (read here, happy chemicals that really determine how I am viewing things in my life--for example--I answered very honestly at my therapy appointment today that where I was at with Tim at that moment was, "eh, it happened. I'm okay." But as I got home later, and as my levels dropped again (noticeable by other concurrent symptoms as well, it is not something new to me), my mood plummeted, and not that long later I read that post in an already low mood and then this all happened.

 

It really does bother me that people find my posts disturbing. I was already feeling crappy, (apparently this glutening is going to take longer to recover from), and then this.

 

I am sorry. I wish I'd never posted this entire thread and could take it down.

[AnyaNova]

Fair enough. When I saw my ex for the first time post-BU my initial reaction was the same as yours. However, that reaction was short-lived and I soon turned to anger. Then, later on, when she sought me out and tapped me on the back, that's when I "ran" away. Fast. And that was the last we ever saw of each other.

 

Good for you!!!

[JoelBarish]

Did I say what your reaction would be? Forgive me but I don't remember saying that? I did ask you what YOUR reaction would be and if you would be strong enough to keep NC?

 

For instance, over in my thread, I admitted that I was a bit shook up after hearing of my ex. I know that panicky feeling well. Yes it was somewhat upsetting to me that she tried contacting me, yet I was still strong enough to resist making contact.

 

Having strength and being upset aren't mutually exclusive.

 

Remember how upset I was after the whole Taco Bell incident? Perhaps that experience toughened me up. Or perhaps if I were in that position again I would crawl under a rock and never come out.

 

I suppose my point is that strength can be present in many forms, just as victories can be won in many ways.

[AnyaNova]

Did I say what your reaction would be? Forgive me but I don't remember saying that? I did ask you what YOUR reaction would be and if you would be strong enough to keep NC?

 

For instance, over in my thread, I admitted that I was a bit shook up after hearing of my ex. I know that panicky feeling well. Yes it was somewhat upsetting to me that she tried contacting me, yet I was still strong enough to resist making contact.

 

Having strength and being upset aren't mutually exclusive.

 

Remember how upset I was after the whole Taco Bell incident? Perhaps that experience toughened me up. Or perhaps if I were in that position again I would crawl under a rock and never come out.

 

I suppose my point is that strength can be present in many forms, just as victories can be won in many ways.

 

Apologies! I am pretty upset right now, and am doing a terrible job of remembering to quote instead of plain reply. That was towards Mr. Scorpio, who suggested that I would have the reaction of a drug addict getting a hit (essentially :-)).

 

I think I did post a reply to yours in particular, but I can't remember what I said. Or perhaps I replied to yours and accidentally commented on his in your post. I do apologize, my ADD is bad any day, and when I am upset, it is even worse.

 

Today I am rather starting to feel like I can't do anything right. Again, I'm sorry.

[JoelBarish]

I know. But honestly, I had a little "thing" when I saw another breadcrumbs post. It was just that. It was "little" it was something, but it wasn't that big. I thought I would post about it here, because it usually helps, and then it goes away.

 

But actually, hearing that my posts are apparently, "alarming" that I am apparently the slow one in the group, that apparently somehow by trying to post where I am at, I am somehow really messed up in comparison to everyone else or something, that really hurt. I am trying to get through this, my vitamin (read here, happy chemicals that really determine how I am viewing things in my life--for example--I answered very honestly at my therapy appointment today that where I was at with Tim at that moment was, "eh, it happened. I'm okay." But as I got home later, and as my levels dropped again (noticeable by other concurrent symptoms as well, it is not something new to me), my mood plummeted, and not that long later I read that post in an already low mood and then this all happened.

 

It really does bother me that people find my posts disturbing. I was already feeling crappy, (apparently this glutening is going to take longer to recover from), and then this.

 

I am sorry. I wish I'd never posted this entire thread and could take it down.

 

I don't find your posts alarming or anything like that. Everyone progresses at their own rate. Maybe some get a handle on things sooner. Look at Rice, she used to be here posting every night right along with us. Now she barely comes here. She must have been faster at this process then I am. Good for her but I still need more time to grieve and dog gone it, I am going to keep posting

[AnyaNova]

I don't find your posts alarming or anything like that. Everyone progresses at their own rate. Maybe some get a handle on things sooner. Look at Rice, she used to be here posting every night right along with us. Now she barely comes here. She must have been faster at this process then I am. Good for her but I still need more time to grieve and dog gone it, I am going to keep posting

 

Thank you for saying that.

 

I'm not sure I'll really know where I'm at until I can find the source of the gluten (I appear to be glutened again, I should have known when my mood plummeted so badly this afternoon and so quickly, but I didn't experience any pain indicating that until now, and I've only been eating home food that I've prepared myself, as far as I know, with ingredients that should be safe) and eliminate these b vitamin crashes.

 

Which reality is real? The one when my brain chemicals are good, and I think I'm good? Or this one right now?

[JoelBarish]

Thank you for saying that.

 

I'm not sure I'll really know where I'm at until I can find the source of the gluten (I appear to be glutened again, I should have known when my mood plummeted so badly this afternoon and so quickly, but I didn't experience any pain indicating that until now, and I've only been eating home food that I've prepared myself, as far as I know, with ingredients that should be safe) and eliminate these b vitamin crashes.

 

Which reality is real? The one when my brain chemicals are good, and I think I'm good? Or this one right now?

 

If you have a choice, choose the one you prefer.

[AnyaNova]

If you have a choice, choose the one you prefer.

 

Definitely prefer the one where my brain chemicals are up and I'm just not happy that we can't be friends, and only because we can't be friends (no ulterior agendas anymore).

 

I think, if I did want breadcrumbs when I'm better from this glutening, I would want them because they would be a sign that he might be possibly interested in establishing a friendship later on, when we're both ready.

 

I am so tired, hurting (physically, I mean) and down right now. And I really do wish that I could just make this entire thread disappear.

 

*feeling a bit like the forum "crazy" at the moment. :-( :-p

[JoelBarish]

Definitely prefer the one where my brain chemicals are up and I'm just not happy that we can't be friends, and only because we can't be friends (no ulterior agendas anymore).

 

I think, if I did want breadcrumbs when I'm better from this glutening, I would want them because they would be a sign that he might be possibly interested in establishing a friendship later on, when we're both ready.

 

I am so tired, hurting (physically, I mean) and down right now. And I really do wish that I could just make this entire thread disappear.

 

*feeling a bit like the forum "crazy" at the moment. :-( :-p

 

Haha! If we stop posting, it will go away eventually. But hey, I think you let out a lot of emotional clutter tonight so it can't be all bad.

[loveofhorses1970]

It's hard, no matter how you go about it. I fight those thoughts of "him" constantly, all day long. Here's hoping it gets better for you! <3 Blessings <3

[AnyaNova]

Haha! If we stop posting, it will go away eventually. But hey, I think you let out a lot of emotional clutter tonight so it can't be all bad.

 

That is true. And I hope it should say something that I was much more hurt by the comment about my posts than I was about not getting breadcrumbs. :-)

 

All I can say is I am doing the best that I can. And if I am the forum crazy, or forum co-dependent, or forum lovelorn nutjob or whatever, so be it. :-p Every forum needs one, right?