Why no breadcrumbs?

[im_thedude]

At what point did I attack the OP? I've followed AnyaNova's story for some time now and pointed out a trend in her feelings.

 

Everybody keeps telling the OP that it's okay to feel the way she does, and that's true, but only to a certain extent. I was merely trying to offer some more proactive advice in getting her mind off the situation.

 

I didn't skirt the issue because Anya has gotten enough of the pillowy gossamer from other users. So, sorry to Anya if you felt like I was kicking you while you were down. I felt like you needed somebody to grab your arm and pull you up, not a bunch of people giving you blankets to make the ground more comfortable.

[thishatteredsymphony]

My birthday was a week ago and the whole day part of me wondered if my ex would wish me a happy birthday. Anyone following my posts will probably agree with me that after the stupid crap I pulled on her a couple weeks ago, I didn't deserve a happy birthday wish from her. But that's another story.

 

As my birthday went on and she didn't say anything, I got a bit sad. I didn't expect her to actually say anything but not getting it did make me feel upset. However, by the end of the day and going into the next, I was over it. All this last week I was out with friends and doing all my usual activities and just having fun.

 

Then last night, out of the blue, she sends me a text. "Happy belated birthday. I hope you're doing well."

 

For about a minute at most, I was elated. Just for a brief moment. And then I was miserable, even more miserable than the day of my birthday when I kept wondering if she would say anything.

 

The point of my post, Anya, is that breadcrumbs are just not worth it.

[ColdAlone]

I didn't. Because she was still unsure of her ex. I said I would get out of the picture and I did. She said if she changed her mind she would be at my doorstep.

 

So basicly, we were clear on the 'rules' and I stuck with it.

 

Now, 5 years later, I talked to her again. Turns out she lost my adress. And did go back to the ex.

 

I read back your original post. You went NC. Yet you expect him to leave breadcrumbs..... Doesn't sound right to me.

 

My current ex I'm still talking to. Again I layed down the 'rules'. I won't be 'the ex she can talk to'. I won't be her male girlfriend. And she broke up with me so she has to contact me.

 

I guess it takes a certain attitude to not go NC and share your thoughts and feelings with an ex without thinking of getting hurt. Time will tell if it pays off...

[AnyaNova]

I didn't. Because she was still unsure of her ex. I said I would get out of the picture and I did. She said if she changed her mind she would be at my doorstep.

 

So basicly, we were clear on the 'rules' and I stuck with it.

 

Now, 5 years later, I talked to her again. Turns out she lost my adress. And did go back to the ex.

 

I read back your original post. You went NC. Yet you expect him to leave breadcrumbs..... Doesn't sound right to me.

 

My current ex I'm still talking to. Again I layed down the 'rules'. I won't be 'the ex she can talk to'. I won't be her male girlfriend. And she broke up with me so she has to contact me.

 

I guess it takes a certain attitude to not go NC and share your thoughts and feelings with an ex without thinking of getting hurt. Time will tell if it pays off...

 

There is a difference between expecting and hoping. Furthermore, he knew at the time that I didn't think that going NC forever (not just for a few months for healing at all) was a good idea. Therefore, I am basically in a similar situation.

 

If at some point in the future we could re-establish contact (originally, before the relationship started, I was going to tell him that I thought we should just be friends--and actually would have meant it--but then I got caught up in stuff and the excitement and ended up agreeing to his suggestion of exclusivity.

 

because of that, I would be alright with being friends.

 

And despite what I told him when we made the original decision, I think that there is actually a way we could do it, that would work. The article we based the decision on was flawed in its premise, but I didn't see it until later.

 

Too late.

[lindsay1990]

I hate to say it but maybe he really has nothing to say to you. at least in my case, I would venture that my ex doesn't contact me (breadcrumbs or otherwise) because it doesn't seem worth it to him, he has nothing to gain.

 

I figure he made his peace with the situation. Whatever happened, happened and to him it is in the past completely. I'm certain he feels more than three months have gone by, it might feel like a year or something since he was already cooked and done by the time we broke up. Also, because he is a cold-hearted f*uck haha and had been with many people so I am not surprised.

 

But, but... I do hope/expect some more breadcrumbs, and I wish I would get some to reject them, you know? It stings to know he can't even be bothered, not even out of guilt. Oh well.

[TylerDurdenn]

Breadcrumbs are poison, kill them with fire.

[Simon Phoenix]

This is the classic "Be careful what you wish for" scenario. Every time you have these type of thoughts, just search the hundreds of threads which contain tortured dumpees who have no idea how to handle the breadcrumbs that their exes give them. Most people who get breadcrumbs are tortured by them and brought back close to zero.

 

So yeah, I'd be careful what you wish for. Your wish being granted in this case would be unhealthy and detrimental.

[BC1980]

I had crumbs galore for 4 months. I requested NC 2 months ago, so I am 6 months post breakup. The crumbs set me back so far and delayed my healing. I take responsibility for responding to them, but don't wish for the temptation. It's hard to resist when you are emotionally battered. It's cruel really to send crumbs because the dumpee is in such a weak spot already.

[AnyaNova]

I definitely want to thank everyone who came on to this thread and said that they had them and what the effect was, or that they didn't and how maybe it did bug them a little bit, or how damaging they were when they got them. Or reminders of how damaging they actually were.

 

I guess when I posted this, I wasn't trying to suggest truly that they were a good or desirable thing (save those times when they give the opportunity to restore the power to the dumpee and it works), or that it was good that I wanted them.

 

I'm_the_dude, I really think, because there were physical issues involved with why I was so down (that for some reason my brain really wants to ascribe the low mood to something external, no matter how many physical symptoms there are to make it more than clear that it is a result of vitamin/electrolyte depletion), that giving me the message that wanting them isn't really healthy, per se,I think would have been fine. But giving me messages essentially boiling down to, "wow, from the current group of dumpees, you seem to be the craziest of them all?"

 

I will also point out, that I didn't get the usual, "I'm not in love with you anymore," style of ultimate breakup/d(issoluation/end. I got a very, very confusing mess with no explanation, which I think at least usually happens in cases where the dumper loves the dumpee but for some reason thinks that they can't or shouldn't be together).

 

If it helps, on a facebook group that exists for writers, I briefly summarized my situation and the confusing push/pull. I asked if anyone else had experienced such a thing, and if so, how did they get over the extremely crazy making nature of the dual message. The first responder basically said, "Time and a lot of therapy." And the rest of the responses were pretty much concurrent.

 

Strong attachment issues that increasingly it seems clear that he had, really do a number on you. Whether you are the one with the issues. or the one in relationship with someone who has the issues.

 

To be on the receiving end of that, to go through what I went through, because of the message confusion, because of the way that they hook into your desire to help and protect, because of the way that their need for you while they push you away causes you to feel as if you are abandoning them...

 

Because of so many things in the dynamic, it can take longer to recover from this kind of relationship, than your usual relationship between two more or less emotionally healthy individuals.

 

I'm not saying that there haven't been times when I have needed some tough love. And there have been people there to give it to me in a manner that doesn't sound like an attack, either.

 

I guess there are so many factors, but that particular night, I was badly off enough already for reasons that had nothing to do with my ex, that I think, whether you intended it to or not (and it sounds like you didn't), that post did more harm than good.

[JoelBarish]

Anya, you don't get the title of craziest dumpee. That belongs to me!

[AnyaNova]

Hardly, Joel. Not even close.

[loveofhorses1970]

I think everyone feels like they own that title, I know I do.

[JoelBarish]

No I am crazy! I need to be called out! I need..I NEED