Why no breadcrumbs?

[mtnbiker3000]

Honestly, stopped reading half way through this thread. But to answer your question, I have received no breadcrumbs in 7.5 months. And, I do feel like it would have been nice to get at least one or two... Just to know maybe they thought about me a smidgen. Or, maybe they had some slight regret. I dunno. I guess it's better not to get them though. No false hope and all...

[AnyaNova]

Where you are at is not a good place, and where it's plainly obvious you want to go is an even worse place.

 

Apologies, in the general flutter of postings, I missed this at the time.

 

100 percent of the time when my mood is where it should be because my vitamin and electrolyte levels are where they should be (apparently, I just discovered tonight, by way of getting glutened again, that the source of the glutening is from my own food here at home, which means one of my safe ingredients is not actually safe), I would not go back to him in a relationship at all, because I have no desire to be put through that again. He is a very sweet guy, he did not mean to put me through hell, but that is kind of what happened, in its own strange way.

 

But even when I am like I have been (thanks to the glutenings and the supplements I am taking that help for awhile) on this up and down rollercoaster (for some reason the B vitamins work and help my body functioning and my mood for a few hours and then plummet), and even when my moods are in the plummeting stage--and no, I am not bipolar, and yes, I've been to the nice man with all the letters behind his name to be sure of that--99 percent, I would NOT go back to him because of that. I would be very wary of going back to him even if he said he had been in therapy every day since we last saw each other at the beginning of September. I would be wary even if he could categorically explain every reason why he did what he did, and what attachment issues he most likely had.

 

And most of the time, my posting some thing here when I am very low because of these stupid nutrition related mood crashes, helps. . It is like I get it out of my system (I mean I still feel down because of the stupid crashes), but writing a little about what my brain seems to want to ascribe the mood to, makes that aspect of it recede enough that I can go make french toast (gluten free, obviously :-p), or work on homework (heck, in between the posting here, I've gotten a lot of studying done for my test), or do something distracting.

 

But let me assure you that where I want to go, is healed from this, figured out what attracted me to someone with such strong attachment issues in the first place, and with enough of my own stuff worked out that I can be in a healthy relationship again (I actually was in a fairly healthy one for 13 years before this last one).

 

There is no other destination that I truly desire. And sometimes, my posting about stupid intermeiate feelings that I know are contrary to this goal, are to get them out, so that I don't try to act on them in any way, shape, or form.

[lovelylilly]

I am struggling with this too, and I have also posted something similar to you just now. It's a bit odd to me to see others going through the same thing and it just makes me so sad. I honestly don't understand how people can just turn their emotions on and off and just cut off all contact without even a "how do you do".

 

I have had an ex string me a long before. The ex before my recent one-we were on and off for five years. He broke up with me three times and it was like clock work every time, always dropping bread crumbs. It's extremely painful and emotionally draining.

 

HOWEVER-like you I am hurt that my current ex doesn't even try to contact me. I finally blocked him off facebook and deleted pictures, texts, messages, emails, and got rid of all the gifts from him. I only did that so I wouldn't think of him anymore. But I'm still wondering why everyday and it's killing me .

 

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, I'm usually good at pinpointing and giving advice, but I haven't been able to think straight for a while. I hope this helped and didn't make anything worse!

 

Best xx

[AnyaNova]

I am struggling with this too, and I have also posted something similar to you just now. It's a bit odd to me to see others going through the same thing and it just makes me so sad. I honestly don't understand how people can just turn their emotions on and off and just cut off all contact without even a "how do you do".

 

I have had an ex string me a long before. The ex before my recent one-we were on and off for five years. He broke up with me three times and it was like clock work every time, always dropping bread crumbs. It's extremely painful and emotionally draining.

 

HOWEVER-like you I am hurt that my current ex doesn't even try to contact me. I finally blocked him off facebook and deleted pictures, texts, messages, emails, and got rid of all the gifts from him. I only did that so I wouldn't think of him anymore. But I'm still wondering why everyday and it's killing me .

 

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, I'm usually good at pinpointing and giving advice, but I haven't been able to think straight for a while. I hope this helped and didn't make anything worse!

 

Best xx

 

Not at all, and I thank you for trying to understand where I am coming from. Part of it too, I think, is I would like a chance to have the power restored a little bit, to have the choice.

 

I am glad that you are out of the power of that previous ex. He sounds like a complete manipulative and unhealthy individual.

 

An you did not make anything worse. It is nice to hear that other people wonder the same things. :-)

[RespectfullyAlone]

Anya, I haven't gotten any breadcrumbs since Feb 13th this year, and that was one day before my ex got engaged.

 

And today whilst dropping off a work collegue whilst on my way home... who should I see at the lights in the opposite direction. My EX, and her new guy. She still driving the same ****box of a car she had for years. Anyway it's been almost 11 months since the breakup and this was the first time I have seen her in person (even it was just a shadowy sillhouete from a distance. And it's also the first time I've seen her and him together. I'm very sure they did not see me, as they would not have recognized my work car, and also I was in the shadows under a motorway, and they were out in the sun.

 

I wasn't so much as shocked, but glad they didn't catch me looking their way. I'm pissed off, I'm angry, I feel so cheated by what she has done, and how she did it.

 

Anyway, I've been dying for some breadcrumbs too. You're not alone Anya in not getting any. I've never received any from my ex's, at least not directly. The closest I've ever had was hearing recently of a girl I was engaged to 7-8 years ago now, asking about me and saying she new she messed up by leaving me, and knowing how much it hurt me.

 

I'd give ANYTHING to have my current ex back, anything. I'd do anything, give anything, all I have, to even have a chance of being in touch with her again. I want her so much.

 

Why can't I shut this off, when it's obvious she's happy with this new guy. He's no doubt plowing her every night, living a great life and happy together.

 

Yet I can't stop this desire, this want, this hope, this feeling that I want her back. I feel so cheated, so angry.

[Lost_Dragon]

This started out of another thread, that at the moment, should be obvious. And I thought the fairest thing, so as not to take up that thread and the victory, therein, was to start my own.

 

I am getting absolutely no breadcrumbs from my ex, and I don't anticipate there ever being any. I think all I am ever going to get from him is this stony silence and that does hurt. Like he thinks I did something wrong, or somehow intentionally hurt him. I don't understand.

 

I mean, the only thing he hasn't done is block me on facebook, but we aren't facebook friends anymore.

 

I mean, why? In any previous relationships, did any of you not give any breadcrumbs or acknowledgement of your ex at all? And if so, why?

 

And are there others who have yet to receive any breadcrumbs? Or am I the only one?

 

We all want to hope that they still care or have some human emotions towards us. In reality, I was hoping for something. What I got was more hurtful and cold than I ever expected when I saw that text pop up. My blood boiled and I was furious! I wanted to respond with a greater level of coldness than her. Knowing that and thinking hard about it, I just let it go along with everything else negative and focused my energy into something positive. Not responding and knowing that she thinks she has the power to make me respond, using her talent to push my buttons to get more drama out of me. It's not right and needs to be ignored. Even if it was something good I would not reply anyway. I owe her nothing and she owes me nothing. I work in a bread factory so crumbs to me are just trash that we sweep up and throw away. Keeps the roaches and vermin under better control that way.

[Bluebelle38]

The guy has moved on, he isn't interested.

 

It hurts, I know, but that is the way it is.

 

You have two choices - you ACCEPT it is over and move on with your life, or you continue to chase a man who has made it very clear he is not interested in a relationship with you.

[AnyaNova]

The guy has moved on, he isn't interested.

 

It hurts, I know, but that is the way it is.

 

You have two choices - you ACCEPT it is over and move on with your life, or you continue to chase a man who has made it very clear he is not interested in a relationship with you.

 

Let me clarify that I am not chasing him, hence the NC.

 

And I am trying to do the former. Forgive me if I have moments of backsliding sometimes.

[toolforgrowth]

This started out of another thread, that at the moment, should be obvious. And I thought the fairest thing, so as not to take up that thread and the victory, therein, was to start my own.

 

I am getting absolutely no breadcrumbs from my ex, and I don't anticipate there ever being any. I think all I am ever going to get from him is this stony silence and that does hurt. Like he thinks I did something wrong, or somehow intentionally hurt him. I don't understand.

 

I mean, the only thing he hasn't done is block me on facebook, but we aren't facebook friends anymore.

 

I mean, why? In any previous relationships, did any of you not give any breadcrumbs or acknowledgement of your ex at all? And if so, why?

 

And are there others who have yet to receive any breadcrumbs? Or am I the only one?

 

Be careful what you wish for.

 

We all want some validation from our exes, that they're thinking about us and that they miss us. It's only natural.

 

I've been getting breadcrumbs from one of my exes for the past month. We broke up about three months ago, I started dating someone new and during that time we never spoke, although she blew up one of my email accounts (I never checked it because i was too busy dating someone new so I didn't know about it until much later). Three weeks later things ended with the new lady and I've been single ever since. My other ex and I hooked up once afterward (big mistake) and immediately she was up to her old shenanigans, trying to control me and constantly messaging and calling even though we both agreed to no formal declaration of anything. It got to be too much and I walked away and went NC. Been NC ever since.

 

Now she won't leave me alone. She'll call from a blocked number and leave a voicemail with a snippet of a love song, or message me on Facebook from an alias with sexually suggestive themes. After a while, it gets very tiring. You eventually just want them to leave you alone. They can't provide what you want out of the relationship and yet they just can't let you go.

 

I'm sick of breadcrumbs because that's all they are. They're a waste of my time and hers, and frankly it's insulting. If they wanted to be with us, they would. The mere fact that all we get are breadcrumbs shows us what our real value is to them, which isn't much.

 

The last lady I dated leaves me alone. I get no breadcrumbs or anything. And I'm grateful. I told her "You need to leave me alone" and she does. She respects my wishes. And out of my last three exes, I dislike her the least because of it. Don't assume that you're not getting breadcrumbs because they hate you or aren't thinking about you; it's quite possible your ex knows it's not fair to treat you that way and is trying to do the right thing. When you've moved on, you'll be grateful.

 

I never gave breadcrumbs to any of my exes; my ex wife, or my last two ex girlfriends. I got breadcrumbs from two of them and rejected them all. I'm worth more than that. And so are you.

[AnyaNova]

It's hard, no matter how you go about it. I fight those thoughts of "him" constantly, all day long. Here's hoping it gets better for you! <3 Blessings <3

 

Thanks! Just having a bad couple of days. They too will pass. And I hope it gets better for you as well. :-)

[Minneloa]

Hi AnyaNova,

 

Just wanted to chime in and say that I'm sorry you are hurting. For the record, I have not heard a peep from my ex in 4 1/2 months. It does sting a little, but I try to remember the stories of struggling for months with breadcrumbs and false hope. I know, for me, that would be worse.

 

Also, in no way do I view you as the "slow one" of the forum or anything of that sort. In fact, I admire that you use this place as for venting, asking for support, and going through your process. To me, that's good emotional self-care.

 

Sending good thoughts!

 

M.

[AnyaNova]

Be careful what you wish for.

 

We all want some validation from our exes, that they're thinking about us and that they miss us. It's only natural.

 

I've been getting breadcrumbs from one of my exes for the past month. We broke up about three months ago, I started dating someone new and during that time we never spoke, although she blew up one of my email accounts (I never checked it because i was too busy dating someone new so I didn't know about it until much later). Three weeks later things ended with the new lady and I've been single ever since. My other ex and I hooked up once afterward (big mistake) and immediately she was up to her old shenanigans, trying to control me and constantly messaging and calling even though we both agreed to no formal declaration of anything. It got to be too much and I walked away and went NC. Been NC ever since.

 

Now she won't leave me alone. She'll call from a blocked number and leave a voicemail with a snippet of a love song, or message me on Facebook from an alias with sexually suggestive themes. After a while, it gets very tiring. You eventually just want them to leave you alone. They can't provide what you want out of the relationship and yet they just can't let you go.

 

I'm sick of breadcrumbs because that's all they are. They're a waste of my time and hers, and frankly it's insulting. If they wanted to be with us, they would. The mere fact that all we get are breadcrumbs shows us what our real value is to them, which isn't much.

 

The last lady I dated leaves me alone. I get no breadcrumbs or anything. And I'm grateful. I told her "You need to leave me alone" and she does. She respects my wishes. And out of my last three exes, I dislike her the least because of it. Don't assume that you're not getting breadcrumbs because they hate you or aren't thinking about you; it's quite possible your ex knows it's not fair to treat you that way and is trying to do the right thing. When you've moved on, you'll be grateful.

 

I never gave breadcrumbs to any of my exes; my ex wife, or my last two ex girlfriends. I got breadcrumbs from two of them and rejected them all. I'm worth more than that. And so are you.

 

Thank you for this. This is an incredibly level headed message. Exactly what I needed to hear but phrased in a way that I can hear it without hearing an attack.

 

You and several others on thread have been very good about that, and I highly thank you for it.

 

You are right in saying that if they valued us as they should as partners, they would not have left us in the first place. It can be very difficult to remember this, or remember why. I really do hope later, though at some point, he does contact me (obviously after more time has gone by), because as I am starting to come out of this, I am realizing that my first instinct, which was to tell him that we should just be friends (and I would have meant that), was probably the right one. And I was so wrong, when we originally made the decision that we wouldn't try to be friends (not for the short term--obviously NC was needed badly), because if we are willing to be flexible based on our relative relational statuses and how comfortable we are with them, on how close or not close we are, I think we could be friends. I think we each are so opposite, that we actually bring something really unique and good to each other.

 

But you are right about the relative worth of breadcrumbs. And wanting them does, in the end, only hurt me.

[Minneloa]

Don't assume that you're not getting breadcrumbs because they hate you or aren't thinking about you; it's quite possible your ex knows it's not fair to treat you that way and is trying to do the right thing. When you've moved on, you'll be grateful.

 

Wonderfully said, and consoling to me in my breadcrumbless NC batcave. Thank you!

[Frank13]

This thread literally makes me angry. The question is so fundamentally flawed and backwards. I have to say, I keep up with other people on these forums and how their progress is. And your posts are alarming. You are repeatedly letting yourself stumble over something behind you. It's almost like you're a glutton for this kind of emotional ravage.

 

 

May I suggest you use the ignore function. There is no reason to jump on someone who is hurting. If you get angry at her posts, put her on ignore. Problem solved.

 

This entire forum is for people stumbling over something behind them. It is for support, not criticism and condemnation.

 

People shouldn't have to be afraid to post here because someone is going to jump all over them.

[Frank13]

I apologize. I thought I was posting honestly about where I am at at any given moment. I did not realize that I would be so harshly judged for not making progress according to your schedule and in the manner that you would wish.

 

Don't apologize, you didn't do anything wrong. You aren't the first one to ask the same question and if you search for those posts, you aren't going to find the judging or criticism that you found in this thread.

 

There was no reason or excuse for some of the comments you received. This forum is to express your thoughts and feelings. You shouldn't have to be afraid to post for fear of making people angry or being criticized.

 

This is the "Coping" forum. You should be getting support here. I am sorry that some people are using it to attack you.

[Frank13]

I think the_dude meant well Anya. He doesn't want to see you suffering.

 

 

Please don't make up excuses for bad behavior. All it does is put you in the same class as him.

[toolforgrowth]

No need to apologize for your feelings. They're you're feelings and it's okay to have them. What's important is what you do because of those feelings.

 

Be cautious about trying to be friends with an ex. It usually doesn't work, even after significant time has passed. Because of my experiences, I know I would never be okay with dating a woman who was friends with an ex. An ex in the picture ruined my last two relationships, and as such would be a huge red flag for me. But that's just me, I can't speak for everyone.

 

I think the odds are pretty good that once someone new comes into your life being friends with your ex won't seem as important as it once did. You'll begin o question the wisdom of it, and even your reasons for wanting that friendship in the first place. But don't be afraid to take your time getting there. I'm not daring anyone right now, haven't for the last three months or so, and that time alone has been very good for me. It allows me to focus on me and what I want out of life and a potential partner. It's okay to have standards and to enforce them.

 

Something my counselor once told me: "I don't like the word 'should'. That implies an external force dictating your life, usually another person. It's your life and they're your feelings. Don't let anyone say 'you should do or feel this' or 'you shouldn't do or feel that'." With that being said, it's not wise to do something that you know deep down is contradictory to what is in your best interest.

[Frank13]

I know. But honestly, I had a little "thing" when I saw another breadcrumbs post. It was just that. It was "little" it was something, but it wasn't that big. I thought I would post about it here, because it usually helps, and then it goes away.

 

But actually, hearing that my posts are apparently, "alarming" that I am apparently the slow one in the group, that apparently somehow by trying to post where I am at, I am somehow really messed up in comparison to everyone else or something, that really hurt.

 

It really does bother me that people find my posts disturbing. I was already feeling crappy, (apparently this glutening is going to take longer to recover from), and then this.

 

I am sorry. I wish I'd never posted this entire thread and could take it down.

 

AnyaNova, none of the above are true. Your posts aren't alarming and you are in no way the slow one in the group. Your posts aren't disturbing, except to one person who has no reason to be disturbed, to criticize, or to judge you.

 

There is seriously something wrong with someone who comes to a Coping forum where they know people are hurting and then lashes out at them. No, you are not the slow one here.

 

I have been reading your posts from the time you started posting. I look forward to reading them when I see you posted something new. Is it because I like to see you are hurting? Of course not. It is because you have a heart and I care enough to read what your thoughts and feelings are.

 

You are not messed up compared to everyone else here. We have all been through this. Keep on posting.

[toolforgrowth]

AnyaNova, none of the above are true. Your posts aren't alarming and you are in no way the slow one in the group. Your posts aren't disturbing, except to one person who has no reason to be disturbed, to criticize, or to judge you.

 

There is seriously something wrong with someone who comes to a Coping forum where they know people are hurting and then lashes out at them. No, you are not the slow one here.

 

I have been reading your posts from the time you started posting. I look forward to reading them when I see you posted something new. Is it because I like to see you are hurting? Of course not. It is because you have a heart and I care enough to read what your thoughts and feelings are.

 

You are not messed up compared to everyone else here. We have all been through this. Keep on posting.

 

Frank is wise.

[AnyaNova]

Wonderfully said, and consoling to me in my breadcrumbless NC batcave. Thank you!

 

I couldn't agree more. Toolforgrowth said it brilliantly. And quite consolingly. :-)

[AnyaNova]

Don't apologize, you didn't do anything wrong. You aren't the first one to ask the same question and if you search for those posts, you aren't going to find the judging or criticism that you found in this thread.

 

There was no reason or excuse for some of the comments you received. This forum is to express your thoughts and feelings. You shouldn't have to be afraid to post for fear of making people angry or being criticized.

 

This is the "Coping" forum. You should be getting support here. I am sorry that some people are using it to attack you.

 

You are right about this. I didn't say anything truly offensive. I honestly posted about where I was at, in a way that was not intended to harm and wasn't overtly ignorantly harmful.

 

I am confused , though. What about my post brought out the judgment, because At least three separate posters seemed to take issue with it and posted negatively (this is not including those of you who saw the issues with it, but pointed them out without attack)?

[AnyaNova]

No need to apologize for your feelings. They're you're feelings and it's okay to have them. What's important is what you do because of those feelings.

 

Be cautious about trying to be friends with an ex. It usually doesn't work, even after significant time has passed. Because of my experiences, I know I would never be okay with dating a woman who was friends with an ex. An ex in the picture ruined my last two relationships, and as such would be a huge red flag for me. But that's just me, I can't speak for everyone.

 

I think the odds are pretty good that once someone new comes into your life being friends with your ex won't seem as important as it once did. You'll begin o question the wisdom of it, and even your reasons for wanting that friendship in the first place. But don't be afraid to take your time getting there. I'm not daring anyone right now, haven't for the last three months or so, and that time alone has been very good for me. It allows me to focus on me and what I want out of life and a potential partner. It's okay to have standards and to enforce them.

 

Something my counselor once told me: "I don't like the word 'should'. That implies an external force dictating your life, usually another person. It's your life and they're your feelings. Don't let anyone say 'you should do or feel this' or 'you shouldn't do or feel that'." With that being said, it's not wise to do something that you know deep down is contradictory to what is in your best interest.

 

I agree for the most part. And you could be right about this ex. I will say, that if the woman in question primarily had female friends but had one pesky ex in the picture, that would be a red flag.

 

However, women like me who in real life tend to think more like men and get along better with them, there can be exes who are truly friends and who we truly would not get back together with, ever.

 

I have an ex that I dated for years. But he is truly just a friend. I guess I'm saying, in that one instance, if she tended to have more male friends because of who she was, don't discount someone nice just because of a possible ex friend, although if she balks at having you along for most or all meetings with said friend or even the idea thereof, do not walk, (as another poster told me for a different hypothetical situation) Run!!! :-)

 

Thank you for giving me both what I needed to hear last night and a form in which I would be able to hear it.

 

He is a really good guy, and if he has read even half of what I've read, he probably knows with the issues in play at the end of our relationship, we both need NC to heal.

Edited October 23, 2013 by AnyaNova

[AnyaNova]

Frank is wise.

 

Indeed he is. As are you.

[JoelBarish]

Please don't make up excuses for bad behavior. All it does is put you in the same class as him.

 

I am not in the excuse making business. I honestly think he meant well. And get off your high horse, I'm not here to be classified by you.

[AnyaNova]

I am not in the excuse making business. I honestly think he meant well. And get off your high horse, I'm not here to be classified by you.

 

Though I definitely disagree wih classifying you in the same category, and how well I'm the dude may have meant or not (even if he meant well, it doesn't take too much empathy to understand that applying those words at those times, and consider why your response to me didn't include any language like the other guy used).

 

I think both you and Frank have valid points and meant well.

 

You are right, in that we can't know I'm the Dude's motives. I mean, perhaps I'm the dude had just had a terrible day. Perhaps I'm the dude is my ex I disguise and he's pissed that I'm not over him yet, perhaps I remind him of a little sister he has who in some parallel universe keeps falling for emotionally struggling guys who dump her and who she pines after.perhaps I'm the dude thinks that it's been 6 months since I last saw him instead of 6ish weeks.

 

We can't know. And maybe he did mean well.

 

But Frank is also right, I think, in pointing out that motives aren't the only thing that should be considered, but that the obvious effect of essentially kicking someone when they are already down, would have.

 

There is a reason why even if you were thinking the same thing, that my posts were somehow alarming and disturbing that you didn't use those words at that particular time, because you have enough empathy to know how they would affect me in the place where I was at.

 

As I said, I don't particularly agree with what frank said towards you, but I also think that Frank meant well, too.

 

I think it offended his sense of reason, justice, and compassion to see someone get attacked or be presented wih something hat obviously would feel like an attack I the mindset they (I) were (was) in.

 

Especially where other threads of the same nature have apparently not gotten the same kind of hurtful and judgmental response.

 

I guess, if possible, I would really like to see a truce between you guys. You both are intelligent, articulate, and compassionate men who mean well. :-)