XsamX Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 My boyfriend and I are going on two years together. I (22) said from the start what I wanted in a relationship, and long term. He (29) shared similar wants. So basically this was pretty good for me. However, I've brought up living together, marriage, and babies..everything but he just sort of dodges the bullet. He says he wants to do things "the right way" meaning marriage before living together and kids. Which I totally agree, I'm all for old fashion or "the right way". BUT NOW, when I talk about it he says that I'm too unhappy all the time, and that I need to have a good long standing of happiness basically before he even considers a proposal. OH and that he doesn't want to live with or marry a smoker. This brings up a whole new argument because he knew I was a smoker when we started dating. I've talked with him about it and he assumed that I'd quit just because he does not like it. So my issue is - Does he even want to commit to me? Is it way to early in the relationship to want these things? Should I stay and hope that one day he decides he wants more or throw in the towel and walk? Sidenote - I know that I'm young, but I know what I want. I don't like people messing with my mind nor playing with my feelings and quite frankly I'm tired of holding my breath. Link to post Share on other sites
Outsider77 Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 He's probably stalling. It doesn't sound to me like he's too sure he wants to marry you. Stay as long as you think you are willing to stay. I don't think just under two years is that long to wait but it's possible he won't ever want to marry you. You could try quitting smoking and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 He's not saying he wants to do it right because he necessarily wants to "do it right with you"....you realize the most alluring quality for guys considerably older in that age bracket and in general for early 20's? yes, your youthful face/body and young vagina....and that's about it, you're too young, inexperienced and unwise to be much use for anything else at this age. So when/if this guy is looking to settle down with a baby-maker, then he may choose you....chance are however he won't, he'll either stay in limbo seeing if there is any other better option or decide at some point this is as good as it's going to get and impregnate you. The guy is making excuses and he's going to keep saying not yet and you're pressuring him....the normal everyday average joe stringing along crap that happens to women all around the world, it's just buying time...you're young, you have time and you'll burn it on a guy you think there is a "potential" with, same old story...why women always like to look down the road instead of the present situation will always beyond me, for some reason they think everything can be resolved and worked out. At any rate, hopefully you'll learn something from this relationship in the end. The most important thing you should learn is to make decisions using your own common sense and gut feeling instead of needing someone tell you straight out, you'll be one of those girls who's always confused, because people who are manipulating or omitting the truth aren't just going to come out and say it for bob sakes, men just stay silent, make retarded excuses you see through but as long as he doesn't tell you straight to your face with a 100 page confirmation letter in hand, you won't except it anyway, and then you'll ask the next genius of questions "But whyyyyyyyy" and it's just downhill from there anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 I just want to point something out... You want this guy to commit his future to you. But you wont commit to stopping smoking. Have a think about that. Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 I am just coming from the angle that he may not want a smoker to be the bearer of his children. And that he may not want to commit to someone who will possibly die on him as a result of her life choices. I just think that it is something to think about, that's all. And if OP can stop smoking then its a good thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author XsamX Posted October 23, 2013 Author Share Posted October 23, 2013 I totally get that I'm young and attraction may be the only reason he has me around but I like to try to see the good in people and believe that its not the reason, but it very well may be. who knows..As far as me being a smoker, I never told him that I would quit for him. We have discussed vaguely about if and when kids would happen and I without a doubt would quit smoking. He has been through just about every attempt and fail with me to quit smoking, so it's not like I'm not even trying, because I am. For myself, and obviously for those around me. I feel like WhoKnows is right, that hell just find another excuse at the end of the day somehow. I mean we stay the night with eachother alot, so what I don't get it if living together and having children before marriage is against his moral code with isn't the sleepovers? Oh! Because its beneficial to him that he gets a piece off @$$ when I'm around.. Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 He's not ready to be married yet. Big Deal Are you ready to force this guy to marry you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author XsamX Posted October 23, 2013 Author Share Posted October 23, 2013 He's not ready to be married yet. Big Deal Are you ready to force this guy to marry you? Its not a matter of me forcing. I'm not forcing at all. I'm simply trying to determine if I should stay around and hope that some time in our future it will happen? Or if I should just walk away because he seems to have no interest. It's really confusing when a guy makes the statement "you know, hypothetically if we lived together and shared things" (his way of saying married) Frustrating getting false hope with no actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 Its not a matter of me forcing. I'm not forcing at all. I'm simply trying to determine if I should stay around and hope that some time in our future it will happen? Or if I should just walk away because he seems to have no interest. It's really confusing when a guy makes the statement "you know, hypothetically if we lived together and shared things" (his way of saying married) Frustrating getting false hope with no actions. I think that there is something deeper why you want this guy to marry you. I think you could be a jealous person and just want to lock him down. Ofcourse in time he could want to marry you, but why do you want to pressure him into it now. I dont think you can walk away from him, by how you sound, and if you keep pressuring him, He'll walk away from you Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 He should have told you from the start that he had misgivings about your smoking, but sometimes people don't realize the impact of stuff like that until later down the road. Currently though, as the situation stands, he doesn't want to marry you because of your smoking, and you want to marry him but don't want to quit smoking. Frankly there isn't an easy way to work that out. Obviously, I'd root for you quitting because smoking is absolutely proven to decrease your lifespan and cause plenty of health complications, AND if you plan to bear children you'll need to quit pre-pregnancy anyway.... but that's just me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 As a guy, I'd recommend not pushing for marriage. You're in a committed relationship. He IS committed to you. He's not yet ready for marriage. I had an ex that was pushing for marriage so hard that it was almost too much to bare. I was waiting for certain things to unfold, get my career in order, etc. It didn't mean I didn;t want to marry her one day, it meant not any day in the near future. I wasn't looking for other girls, I was already fully committed to her. If you push a guy too hard, he'll either back out of the relationship or marry you because you pressured him so hard to do it. Are either of those reasons why you'd want to marry a guy? Or would you rather it be due to more organic reasons? Link to post Share on other sites
Author XsamX Posted October 24, 2013 Author Share Posted October 24, 2013 I think that there is something deeper why you want this guy to marry you. I think you could be a jealous person and just want to lock him down. Ofcourse in time he could want to marry you, but why do you want to pressure him into it now. I dont think you can walk away from him, by how you sound, and if you keep pressuring him, He'll walk away from you AGAIN, I'm not forcing or pressuring him to do anything. Its not even something that he and I really even talk about. If it does happen to get brought up he dodges the conversation and its dropped. I'm just wondering from my stand point if it's normal by two years into it without a proposal it wont happen? Link to post Share on other sites
Author XsamX Posted October 24, 2013 Author Share Posted October 24, 2013 As a guy, I'd recommend not pushing for marriage. You're in a committed relationship. He IS committed to you. He's not yet ready for marriage. I had an ex that was pushing for marriage so hard that it was almost too much to bare. I was waiting for certain things to unfold, get my career in order, etc. It didn't mean I didn;t want to marry her one day, it meant not any day in the near future. I wasn't looking for other girls, I was already fully committed to her. If you push a guy too hard, he'll either back out of the relationship or marry you because you pressured him so hard to do it. Are either of those reasons why you'd want to marry a guy? Or would you rather it be due to more organic reasons? why does everyone assume im pushing / forcing? I'm totally not. I completely understand wanting to get things in order for life. I get it and respect it, but I think as a woman Id rather have strait forwardness about things like that rather than him dodging the bullet. I don't know maybe hes just really touchy about the subject. But I suppose I'll leave it at that. If he wants it hell ask. If not down the road then Ill decide what to do then, but until then enjoy the ride.. Link to post Share on other sites
Outsider77 Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 He doesn't want to talk about it and if you do talk about it he gives excuses. It doesn't sound like he wants to marry you. He's either not ready to get married yet, he wants to get married but not to you, or he never really wanted to get married in the first place. When you talk to him about getting married he doesn't say that he wants to marry you but just isn't ready yet. He says that you're too unhappy and that you smoke. These are not good signs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author XsamX Posted October 24, 2013 Author Share Posted October 24, 2013 He doesn't want to talk about it and if you do talk about it he gives excuses. It doesn't sound like he wants to marry you. He's either not ready to get married yet, he wants to get married but not to you, or he never really wanted to get married in the first place. When you talk to him about getting married he doesn't say that he wants to marry you but just isn't ready yet. He says that you're too unhappy and that you smoke. These are not good signs. Thank you for you're feedback. I agree, and think that you may be right. It's probably just time for me to walk away so we stop wasting eachothers time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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