The train has derailed

[una_lala]

So my MOM confessed all to his wife. What a complete mess. After years of marriage (decades) he tells her he wants to leave her and that he is in love with me. He tells her that he is sorry and that he loves her in another way. She has been an awesome mother and grandmother and so on. He tells her that they have just grown apart. After the kids leave some people just don't stay focused on each other.. etc. Obviously she was hurt and cried. She wants him to stay. She thinks they can fix it. OMG.. I hate this.. it is sad. I feel bad for her. I know it must be hard to hear that your husband is in love with someone else. So a week passes with her in this kind of limbo. He comes to see me today and asks me what to do.. what he should do??? He says that she told him he "owed her" another chance after so many years, he owed her. He agreed and said to me "don't I owe her that?" I told him to go home and try and make it work. I know that's what he wanted me to say. I know he loves me but he feels guilty for all of this and he can't stand what he is doing to her. So I tried to make it easy for him and I told him to go.. then I sat and cried for hours. I don't even know how to go back to my life before him. I asked not to call or text me because he wouldn't really be giving his marriage a true chance if he continued to talk to me. I told hi that we couldn't be friends.. it would never work. That's what he wanted to do, just be friends and still "talk". I can't do it anymore. I am so emotionally drained. Now I pray I have the strength to ignore him if he tries to contact me. I feel like someone died.. this is horrible. So after so many years, she is "owed" another chance and I'm owed nothing after 4 years.. just a good bye. I hope I can move on from here.

[bellasue]

This is very similar with what happened to me. Friends with xMM for a decade, short term (less than a year) physical affair. He decided to come clean for reasons unknown to me.......then goes completely NC. I suspect he couldn't see leaving his wife of 35 years....she is nearing 60 years old and it would be difficult to start over. I think he did love me......but I haven't heard a peep since he decided to tell her in April.

 

It was the worst pain I have ever endured in my life, losing a lover and a best friend. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone or wish to go through it again.

 

Best of luck to you! Hang in there!

[Trimmer]

I asked not to call or text me because he wouldn't really be giving his marriage a true chance if he continued to talk to me. I told hi that we couldn't be friends.. it would never work. That's what he wanted to do, just be friends and still "talk". I can't do it anymore. I am so emotionally drained. Now I pray I have the strength to ignore him if he tries to contact me.

I think this was smart of you, and you are right that if he's going to be at all honest about giving his marriage a chance, there's no place in his life for you (and I didn't mean that to come out so harsh-sounding, but I think you are seeing that point correctly.) Plus, it would just brutalize you even more to have that "not all there" connection rubbing salt in the wound.

 

You called him a "MOM" - are you married, too, then?

[1calgal]

It feels exactly like someone died. I know how you feel. It's the most intense and long lasting pain I've had in my adult life. I went NC for a while and MM reconciled with his wife. He and I did reconnect recently and briefly through email. He reiterated that what we felt was real and intense and that I should not question that he loved me. But, it could not erase 25 years of love in his marriage. His wife made a real effort to fix their marriage after A. In my case, I left my husband of 19 years and am now completely on my own with four children. I do not regret that particular decision but life sure is difficult. My hope is that I will fall in love again. No MMs involved!!

[Lessons]

Now I pray I have the strength to ignore him if he tries to contact me.

 

You are right . . . ignoring xMM when he reaches out to you (and he will!) is the most difficult part of NC. True freedom - and the beginning of your healing process - will come only when you BLOCK every avenue of contact. "Dead2Me" is a free text- and call-blocking app, and your email program surely has a blocking or filtering feature as well. (You can also block callers through your phone company.) If you truly want to move on and give xMM a chance at true R, you need to make NC permanent and prevent him from reeling you back in with an "I miss you" message. Believe me, those messages are VERY difficult to ignore - but if you never see them you never have to face the temptation to respond. Please help yourself - and xMM - by taking the additional steps to block him. I know it will be hard - but it definitely speeds the healing process.

 

The best part? My phone is no longer my lifeline . . . now, it's just a phone.

 

Wishing you peace and strength as you begin to recover,

 

Lessons

[stillafool]

I can't imagine begging someone to give me another chance when they have told me their in love with someone else. NEVER! I would show him the door and roll out the red carpet to his car door. Are you sure he is telling the truth? Why didn't he just leave after his confession? What sense does it make to give someone a second chance that you don't love?

[cif]

Hmmm.. so she is "owed" a miserabe M because she's been checked out for years and never noticed her H was in love with someone else? Removing yourself from his life will leave a huge void. He will be back.

Edited October 23, 2013 by cif

[JamesM]

Why does he owe her something if he no longer loves her? Why if he loves you does he not owe you something?

 

Perhaps he realized that he DOES love her?

 

I feel for you. You are a victim in all of this. The MM played his game. He then confronted his wife with as much bravery as possible. She called his bluff. He caved.

 

And you suffer.

 

As was said, he will call you again. The question is...how do you respond?

 

If he tries and fails with his marriage, will you take him back?

[underwater2010]

I really think that you made the right decision.

 

He cannot truly work on his marriage while you are on the sidelines.

 

You cannot sit by just waiting for him to decide.

 

He chose to confess and his wife is making the choice to try and salvage a marriage of decades. It can be possible if they both put forth their best effort.

 

Please use this time to focus on yourself. The pain will end eventually.

[unicorn farts]

Translation from MM-ese:

 

The MM confesses to his wife. Seeing her intense emotional agony, he suddenly realizes what he has done to the woman he has loved for decades. The woman who got a little boring for a few years. The woman he assumed would always be there, faithful and available. Realizing that he is about to actually lose her and seeing her so hurt, he panics and frantically attempts to console her by reassuring her that he will never leave and will do everything in his power to fix what he has done. He vows that he will cut things off with AP permanently and never speak to her again.

 

Too much of a spineless sack of crap to actually break up with anyone, MM slinks over to AP. He's now terrified of his wife leaving him, but too pathetic to actually pull the trigger on NC with AP. Instead, he whines to AP about how his wife threw herself at his feet, begged him, kissing his toes, her tears streaming all over the place as she rolled around groveling. "I just can't hurt her like this, AP," he says, looking at AP with his soulful eyes. MM is the victim, the poor martyr. He cannot be with the woman he truly loves, AP, and instead wants to sacrifice his own true happiness by staying with his wife. But, because he is a jellyfish of a man, he cannot speak the words to end his relationship with AP and instead has AP do it for him. Thus MM rides off into the sunset, jaw set nobly, a single tear for love lost trickling down his cheek.

[cat]

Translation from MM-ese:

 

The MM confesses to his wife. Seeing her intense emotional agony, he suddenly realizes what he has done to the woman he has loved for decades. The woman who got a little boring for a few years. The woman he assumed would always be there, faithful and available. Realizing that he is about to actually lose her and seeing her so hurt, he panics and frantically attempts to console her by reassuring her that he will never leave and will do everything in his power to fix what he has done. He vows that he will cut things off with AP permanently and never speak to her again.

 

Too much of a spineless sack of crap to actually break up with anyone, MM slinks over to AP. He's now terrified of his wife leaving him, but too pathetic to actually pull the trigger on NC with AP. Instead, he whines to AP about how his wife threw herself at his feet, begged him, kissing his toes, her tears streaming all over the place as she rolled around groveling. "I just can't hurt her like this, AP," he says, looking at AP with his soulful eyes. MM is the victim, the poor martyr. He cannot be with the woman he truly loves, AP, and instead wants to sacrifice his own true happiness by staying with his wife. But, because he is a jellyfish of a man, he cannot speak the words to end his relationship with AP and instead has AP do it for him. Thus MM rides off into the sunset, jaw set nobly, a single tear for love lost trickling down his cheek.

 

Have you been spying on me? :D:D

[What Will Be]

Quote:

Originally Posted by unicorn farts

Translation from MM-ese:

 

The MM confesses to his wife. Seeing her intense emotional agony, he suddenly realizes what he has done to the woman he has loved for decades. The woman who got a little boring for a few years. The woman he assumed would always be there, faithful and available. Realizing that he is about to actually lose her and seeing her so hurt, he panics and frantically attempts to console her by reassuring her that he will never leave and will do everything in his power to fix what he has done. He vows that he will cut things off with AP permanently and never speak to her again.

 

Too much of a spineless sack of crap to actually break up with anyone, MM slinks over to AP. He's now terrified of his wife leaving him, but too pathetic to actually pull the trigger on NC with AP. Instead, he whines to AP about how his wife threw herself at his feet, begged him, kissing his toes, her tears streaming all over the place as she rolled around groveling. "I just can't hurt her like this, AP," he says, looking at AP with his soulful eyes. MM is the victim, the poor martyr. He cannot be with the woman he truly loves, AP, and instead wants to sacrifice his own true happiness by staying with his wife. But, because he is a jellyfish of a man, he cannot speak the words to end his relationship with AP and instead has AP do it for him. Thus MM rides off into the sunset, jaw set nobly, a single tear for love lost trickling down his cheek.

 

Have you been spying on me? :D:D

 

Co-sign *sigh*

[awkward]

I'm sorry you are hurting. Are you sure he confessed to his wife? I only ask because he is comfortable with lying.

[una_lala]

It's a whole new ball game once the MM starts to put their plan into  action. If guilt hasn't come to the forefront by then, it's like a truck  then when they look at their wife's face to say they want a divorce. 

 

That is exactly right. It all makes sense and seems logical.. just explain it.. sure there will be hurt but it can be dealt with reasonably and logically. Oh but then the reaction and the devastation becomes real all at once and it's all right there in front of you.

 

You called him a "MOM" - are you married, too, then? 	

 

Yes - but in quite a different situation. We are pretty much roommates and friends and do not care much what the other one does.. though we also don't come out and rub it in each others face. It's sort of an understanding.. difficult to explain.

 

The best part?  My phone is no longer my lifeline . . . now, it's just a phone.

Oh that would be nice. I hate my phone and yet cling to it.

 Are you sure he is telling the truth?  Why didn't he just leave after  his confession?  What sense does it make to give someone a second chance  that you don't love? 	

Yes, I am sure he is telling the truth.. he just didn't expect the reaction and emotion that he got. I agree about the second chance.. I'm not sure what she is thinking since I am not in her spot but I don't think a person "owes" another person their happiness. No person.. ever. But I wanted to make it easy for him because he was hurting so I agreed and told him to give it another shot.

 

Why does he owe her something if he no longer loves her? Why if he loves you does he not owe you something?

Perhaps he realized that he DOES love her? 

 

You may be exactly right.

[jlola]

Ew! Why would anyone beg someone to be with them if the other person doesn't WANT to be with them or is telling them that they don't love them in that way anymore? That is so pathetic! And, then to try to guilt someone into staying by telling them that they "owe" you something? Ew again! Nobody owes anyone anything, especially when it comes to love. It's just there or it's not- and I wouldn't ever lower myself to trying to guilt someone into being with me that didn't want to be with me.

 

This whole "plan" the BS is trying to enact here to keep someone that doesn't love her, that loves someone else, is NOT going to work. When will people realize that love cannot be forced or dictated? This whole thing makes me feel pity for the BS, but not empathy. I'm actually fairly grossed out by her pathetic-ness and the begging and attempts to manipulate.

 

I have no idea what I would do in your position. I think that I would be DONE with him if he falls for her childish attempts to keep a relationship that he doesn't want. Does he really believe he "owes" her the courtesy of faking or trying to force love? What?

. If someone loves you,no Amount of guilt tripping is going to keep them away from the one they love. I find it hilarious that I would be passionately in love with man #1,not care much for man #2. But stay with man #2 out of guilt.

 

That would mean I am willing to hurt man #!,who I love, to alleviate .the pain of man#2 who I do not love.

 

It makes no sense at all. There is no way anyone can guilt me into giving pain to the person I love the most.

 

It is like saying you feel more guilty causing pain to a child you do not love,then causing pain to your own child.Sort of twisted.