Can't get over she was with someone else

[CantGetOverItGuy]

Dude is she the only girl you've slept with?

 

Nah. I've lost count of how many girls I've been with. Maybe around 23. This girl was my first love and first real relationship. All I've had before her was **** buddies and one night stands.

[Mariposa10]

We are back together For about 6 or 7 weeks now. I feel like it happened pretty fast, much faster than it should have. And how you mentioned thinking about it when sexual scenes are on tv- yeah that's me.

 

Definitely have to decide if this is how I want to feel the rest of my life, and I really don't.

 

 

For the rest of you life? Are you guys thinking about getting married?

 

If I were you, I'd just take things slowly. I know I wouldn't want something like this to prevent me from getting back with someone. I don't want to be like that, so for me this is lesson and I'm learning from it.

[bubbaganoosh]

Look. You were broke up with her. She didn't have a wedding ring on her finger. You were both single. After you break up, you have no say in what she does with her life anymore than she does with yours.

 

If it's bothering you that much then make a clean break with her and find a new girl and she can go her way. It's not like she had sex with a guy, video taped it and sent it to you to flaunt it. She was up front and told you the truth. That has to count for something.

 

Honestly your making a mountain out of a mole hill. Either accept it and move on or break up with her.

[organizedchaos]

I think I may have trust issues with her.

 

 

WTF? You guys were broken up when this happened right? So no man is allowed to touch your ex from that point forward? How can you have trust issues if she didn't do this when you were together??? I'm confused.

[jimloveslips]

Nah. I've lost count of how many girls I've been with. Maybe around 23. This girl was my first love and first real relationship. All I've had before her was **** buddies and one night stands.

 

So do you think she's thinking what sex positions you got into, how many times you were blown and where.

 

No, she lives in the real world, not inside here head.

 

Man up dude, if you read around these forums you'll see you're pretty damn lucky to have that girl...

[CantGetOverItGuy]

Obviously I know she was with people prior to our relationship, but she split up with me, would not get back with me and work it out, and began hanging around with some dude. Then she came back to me after like 7 weeks, and she ****ed him once. Do you see where I am coming from? And yes, this was a girl I thought I'd end up marrying. I had no intention of playing the field again.

 

Many of you may think i'm making a big deal about it since we were not together, I understand this point, but it was not a mutual break up. I got kicked to the curb and it f*cking sucked. Have sex with someone, realize you don't want that after you get plowed from behind by him, then come knocking on my door after I begged and pleaded.

Edited December 18, 2013 by CantGetOverItGuy

[organizedchaos]

Obviously I know she was with people prior to our relationship, but she split up with me, would not get back with me and work it out, and began hanging around with some dude. Then she came back to me after like 7 weeks, and she ****ed him once. Do you see where I am coming from?

 

 

 

NO!

 

 

SHE SPLIT UP WITH YOU! YOU WERE NOT TOGETHER! SHE WAS SINGLE! YOU DO NOT OWN HER!

 

 

Why is this so hard for you to comprehend???

[CantGetOverItGuy]

Right, she split up with me, had sex with someone, all while I wanted to continue being together. I didn't say "okay, well I still love you and want to be with you and correct whatever issues we have, but first you can kick me to the curb and sleep with someone, and then we will reconcile". That is what happened and it is belittling everytime I think about it.

 

I'm trying to explain why it bothers me so much, if you don't understand I can not help it. Everyone is different. Some people may not care if they were in my shoes and may just be thankful to have a second chance. I am thankful, but I fear, as others have said, that it will be lingering in the back of my mind.

 

I can't esacpe it either. It's not like the guy is across the country. It was her NEIGHBOR who was around to be a rebound. The guy moved out of the house, which was his parents, but the parents are friendly with my girlfriends parents. They have been over the house in the past for celebrations her parents have thrown. I have to deal with this for the rest of my life if I choose to be with her.

 

Anyway, there is not much left to say. It helps to have others insights through their experiences. Thank you all for your point of view.

Edited December 18, 2013 by CantGetOverItGuy

[FortunateSon]

Given the way you feel, it might be best to end the relationship and start fresh with someone else. You are young and have plenty if time to meet someone else that you won't have this baggage with. It clearly is a big issue for you, as others have said it will never fully go away and will continue to manifest itself. I have been through a similar situation with similar circumstances and feelings, the best thing I did was move on from it and started fresh with someone else.

[jimloveslips]

You are belittling yourself, no one else is doing it…

 

This girl says she wants to be with you now.

 

She tried someone else and came back to you - man, you should be worried about your big head, instead of your diminished ego...

[bubbaganoosh]

It would be a complete different story if she had sex with the guy while you two were still together, but you were split up. She was up front with you and told you before you found out about it off the street.

 

 

Now if you think she's not worth being with then move on but IMO, it will bite you in the ass. Honestly, she didn't even have to tell you and it was really none of your business to begin with.

 

I think your more pissed off because she broke up with you and your mixing all the things in you mind and making it like she broke up with you so she could be with this guy.

[2fargone]

Right, she split up with me, had sex with someone, all while I wanted to continue being together. I didn't say "okay, well I still love you and want to be with you and correct whatever issues we have, but first you can kick me to the curb and sleep with someone, and then we will reconcile". That is what happened and it is belittling everytime I think about it.

 

I'm trying to explain why it bothers me so much, if you don't understand I can not help it. Everyone is different. Some people may not care if they were in my shoes and may just be thankful to have a second chance. I am thankful, but I fear, as others have said, that it will be lingering in the back of my mind.

 

I can't esacpe it either. It's not like the guy is across the country. It was her NEIGHBOR who was around to be a rebound. The guy moved out of the house, which was his parents, but the parents are friendly with my girlfriends parents. They have been over the house in the past for celebrations her parents have thrown. I have to deal with this for the rest of my life if I choose to be with her.

 

Anyway, there is not much left to say. It helps to have others insights through their experiences. Thank you all for your point of view.

 

 

 

I can't see this anymore as you trying to explain. You are trying to get your feelings validated. Well, your feelings are your own, so therefore valid.

 

 

However, and I'm sorry to say this but I'm very straightforward, you start to come across as slightly pathetic and pretty selfish. What she did had nothing to do with you but with what she thought she wanted. And you keep wanting to take it personal.

 

 

Perhaps you should start acting like a man. A grown up one. Let it go or let her go.

[organizedchaos]

Right, she split up with me, had sex with someone, all while I wanted to continue being together. I didn't say "okay, well I still love you and want to be with you and correct whatever issues we have, but first you can kick me to the curb and sleep with someone, and then we will reconcile". That is what happened and it is belittling everytime I think about it.

 

I'm going to be blunt to try and get this through your thick skull.

 

You were not together so YOU do not get to dictate what she can do.

 

So what if YOU wanted to get back together? At the time you bu she didn't know you were going to get back together, right?

 

Did she say let's take a break and then we will definitely get back together in a few weeks? Did you both agree not to be with anyone else while on such a break? Or was it an actual break up with no promises of what will happen down the line?

[Never Again]

I'm going to be blunt to try and get this through your thick skull.

 

You were not together so YOU do not get to dictate what she can do.

 

So what if YOU wanted to get back together? At the time you bu she didn't know you were going to get back together, right?

 

Did she say let's take a break and then we will definitely get back together in a few weeks? Did you both agree not to be with anyone else while on such a break? Or was it an actual break up with no promises of what will happen down the line?

 

I tried to put that into his skull back on the first page.

 

I tried to be gentle, but the OP seems absolutely set in reopening this wound himself.

 

She was under no obligation to be "faithful" to him, but he can't get beyond his own pride.

[jimloveslips]

pity she's not on here we could tell her to dump your ass for good...

[Kevin_D]

I'm trying to explain why it bothers me so much, if you don't understand I can not help it. Everyone is different.

 

I understand you. I can't stand that "dude, she was single that the time, get over it" BS.

 

I mean, technically, if I go to a party and meet a hot chick I want to sleep with, I can simply text my girlfriend "It's over!" and then it wouldn't be considered cheating. But that's not very mature, is it?

 

In my opinion it's quite disrespectful to start seeing someone else so soon after a break-up. I know most people here won't agree with me, but I think it's very immature to have this black-or-white view on love. If I had dumped my girlfriend, I wouldn't even touch another girl for at least half a year, because...

 

...I wouldn't want to cause her more pain than I already have

...I might regret my decision and being with someone else would make it harder to get back

...I would be hurting to and dating someone else wouldn't make the pain go away. Maybe temporally but not for good.

 

But like I said, most people seem to think that it's perfectly to okay to whatever you want, as long as you just say "It's over" first. I guess I have different moral values.

[Mariposa10]

I understand you. I can't stand that "dude, she was single that the time, get over it" BS.

 

I mean, technically, if I go to a party and meet a hot chick I want to sleep with, I can simply text my girlfriend "It's over!" and then it wouldn't be considered cheating. But that's not very mature, is it?

 

In my opinion it's quite disrespectful to start seeing someone else so soon after a break-up. I know most people here won't agree with me, but I think it's very immature to have this black-or-white view on love. If I had dumped my girlfriend, I wouldn't even touch another girl for at least half a year, because...

 

...I wouldn't want to cause her more pain than I already have

...I might regret my decision and being with someone else would make it harder to get back

...I would be hurting to and dating someone else wouldn't make the pain go away. Maybe temporally but not for good.

 

But like I said, most people seem to think that it's perfectly to okay to whatever you want, as long as you just say "It's over" first. I guess I have different moral values.

 

 

I agree with you. There are some people who do break up with their partners just so that they can sleep with someone else. However, in this case I don't think OP's girlfriend did that.

 

So that's why I don't think OP should be so hard on her because it doesn't look like it was planned.

[organizedchaos]

I understand you. I can't stand that "dude, she was single that the time, get over it" BS.

 

I mean, technically, if I go to a party and meet a hot chick I want to sleep with, I can simply text my girlfriend "It's over!" and then it wouldn't be considered cheating. But that's not very mature, is it?

 

In my opinion it's quite disrespectful to start seeing someone else so soon after a break-up. I know most people here won't agree with me, but I think it's very immature to have this black-or-white view on love. If I had dumped my girlfriend, I wouldn't even touch another girl for at least half a year, because...

 

...I wouldn't want to cause her more pain than I already have

...I might regret my decision and being with someone else would make it harder to get back

...I would be hurting to and dating someone else wouldn't make the pain go away. Maybe temporally but not for good.

 

But like I said, most people seem to think that it's perfectly to okay to whatever you want, as long as you just say "It's over" first. I guess I have different moral values.

 

 

 

Don't project what YOU would do on to everyone else. Its not about moral values but PERSONAL CHOICE! please step down from that pedestal you're on.

[Kevin_D]

So that's why I don't think OP should be so hard on her because it doesn't look like it was planned.

 

Well...

 

- He gave her 4 years of his life. Maybe things weren't perfect all the time, but I'm pretty sure that he has comforted her and helped her many, many times.

 

- She broke up with him.

 

Again, most people here will say that she doesn't "own" him anything and yada yada.

 

To me, sex is something beautiful. I'm not saying that there has to be feeling involved, but doing it out of spite...? I would have a hard time coping with that.

 

Look at it this way. She was his princess for 4 years. He probably felt really proud that he had found her. But know he knows that she's is willing to sleep with someone else, not because of attraction, not because of love... but out of spite!

 

I understand him completely. We all want to feel special. It's hard to explain.

 

My first girlfriend had a boyfriend for two years before me she met me. She could tell me that he was bad in bed, that she got a urinary infection because he didn't wash his dick... well, all sorts of disgusting stuff. And I wasn't bothered by it. She loved him. It was her boyfriend. It happened before we met.

 

But then I found out that she had a one night stand between the first and the second time we met. And I couldn't get over it. What made even worse was that she told me that she and her friends had decided before they went out that they would bring guys back home. This ruined our relationship. It felt like I was dating a hooker. Having sex with her didn't feel special anymore. I didn't feel special. I could have been anybody. At least that's how I felt.

 

I know we're living in a time in which many, if not most people, think it's perfectly fine to have had 25-50 different sex partners before the age of 30. But I would never date a girl like that.

 

Don't project what YOU would do on to everyone else. Its not about moral values but PERSONAL CHOICE! please step down from that pedestal you're on.

 

Haha, yeah... It's like that girl that said that I was "very unattractive". When I got upset she said "I'm not mean, just honest, that's just the way I am and I'm proud of it". But yeah sure, being a dick is a personal choice. I get it.

Edited December 20, 2013 by Kevin_D

[Kevin_D]

Why put your life on hold if better comes along? You're only cheating yourself.

 

Um... Because it could hurt the other person if he/she finds out?

[anna121]

Just end things with her for the love of God.

 

It doesn't matter whether your feelings are justified, reasonable or utterly incomprehensible.

 

They will make your future happiness with her quite impossible.

[organizedchaos]

Um... Because it could hurt the other person if he/she finds out?

 

 

 

 

 

Um, did they consider your feelings when they dumped you? They had no problem hurting you so it does not matter.

 

 

And if you dumped them you obviously already hurt them.

 

 

You don't make sense.

[Never Again]

But like I said, most people seem to think that it's perfectly to okay to whatever you want, as long as you just say "It's over" first. I guess I have different moral values.

 

I really don't know how to handle your purposeful misrepresentation of what people are saying here.

 

It's NOT black-and-white, but is IS simple.

 

It does not appear that they broke up simply so that she could go sleep around. They broke up, and THEN she slept with someone else. The first did not happen because she was planning to do the second.

 

They were not together, and she did not owe him anything at that point. His feelings about her dating would not, and should not, have been any of her concern. Her life was her own at this point.

 

If I had broken up with my girlfriend and met someone shortly thereafter that I really liked, I would not hold back simply because I could hurt someone that I had ALREADY HURT. I wouldn't want to cause harm, but I wouldn't put my happiness on hold for a relationship that was already over.

 

This has nothing to do with moral values. This is PRIDE, plain and simple. But it's being blown up into some sort of ethical conundrum because folks can't get over the whole "they were with someone else! oh no!"

 

Sex can be beautiful. It can also just be sex.

[organizedchaos]

I really don't know how to handle your purposeful misrepresentation of what people are saying here.

 

It's NOT black-and-white, but is IS simple.

 

It does not appear that they broke up simply so that she could go sleep around. They broke up, and THEN she slept with someone else. The first did not happen because she was planning to do the second.

 

They were not together, and she did not owe him anything at that point. His feelings about her dating would not, and should not, have been any of her concern. Her life was her own at this point.

 

If I had broken up with my girlfriend and met someone shortly thereafter that I really liked, I would not hold back simply because I could hurt someone that I had ALREADY HURT. I wouldn't want to cause harm, but I wouldn't put my happiness on hold for a relationship that was already over.

 

This has nothing to do with moral values. This is PRIDE, plain and simple. But it's being blown up into some sort of ethical conundrum because folks can't get over the whole "they were with someone else! oh no!"

 

Sex can be beautiful. It can also just be sex.

 

Well said. And I'll add to this...what would be hurtful would be immediately showing off your new partner so your ex can see.

[Kevin_D]

This has nothing to do with moral values. This is PRIDE, plain and simple. But it's being blown up into some sort of ethical conundrum because folks can't get over the whole "they were with someone else! oh no!"

 

Sex can be beautiful. It can also just be sex.

 

It's not pride, it's biology. If a woman sleeps with someone else, then chances are that the offspring won't be yours. It's only natural to be concerned about these things, because you don't want to waste time on protecting a woman who carries another man's child.

 

It's good that we live in a society where women are allowed to sleep with who they want, and it's a good thing that many guys have learned to accept this fact and are perfectly okay with it. But it's still in our DNA to think twice before we get together with a girl who is willing to sleep with someone "out of spite" just a few weeks after her old relationship died.

 

We need to accept that we have these feelings for a reason. They once served a purpose. It's not a weakness. Our DNA isn't designed for a life in big cities where everyone uses prophylactics. It's like a dog walking in circles before laying down to sleep, even though there's no grass. This will eventually change, but it will take thousands of years.

 

This is also the reason why men often seem more jealous about sexual acts, while women tend to care more about emotional bonds.