No Sexual Attraction - is it over?

[meow_mama]

Hi there,

 

My husband and I are contemplating getting divorced because there is a lack of sexual attraction and intimacy. We met 10 years ago (2003) when I was 18 while at college. For the first 2 years we had sex all of the time. It wasn't necessarily good sex and I can't say there was any real emotional connection during the sex, but we both wanted and had sex often. By about 3 years (2006) in I noticed I had zero sex drive - I thought it was related to being on birth control so I tried switching brands and different methods in hopes of bringing it back. We got married 5 years ago (2008) even though the sex issues weren't resolved. I started to realize I still had a desire for sex, just not with my husband. In 2010 I had a short EA & PA and told my husband about it. We spent a good year+ in marriage counseling working on this issue in addition to communication.

 

I feel like we communicate great now - we can share whenever something is going on, I don't feel scared to tell him things, and he is the same way. I've also spent a lot of time working on being less reactive to things to really help more with communication. Unfortunately, I still have no sexual desire towards him. We have a 18 month old child and I thought it could've been hormones or depression, but I'm really quite happy otherwise and I have a strong sexual desire (i.e. I feel horny), but my husband just doesn't do it for me. It's not that he's bad in bed, he can bring me to orgasm and I've explained to him what I like and don't like in bed, but I still just don't like it coming from him. I still find him to be physically attractive, so it's not that I don't like the looks of him. I don't feel turned on in the slightest and can't take him seriously in bed. We've tried different locations, positions, and we've used toys before in the past, but I'm just not into him that way. I love him and care a lot for him and I want him to be in a satisfying marriage, both emotionally and sexually, and I want the same for myself.

 

Any tips/suggestions/thoughts/exercises we could be doing to improve this? Is this just part of being married and something I just need to get over and deal with?

[LuvsTrucks2]

IMO it sounds like your love him but you are not in love with him. More often then not, once you are neglected sexually, it's game over.

 

I would first go and get a good physical to rule out any medical issues.

[meow_mama]

I went to my GYN to get checked and she said all looked fine...I've had hormones checked as well, so I'm not sure it's that. I suppose I don't feel "in love" with him, but I've read that can be a common problem...granted I'm not sure having that problem for almost 7 years is common.

[LuvsTrucks2]

meow,

 

Is it possible that you never resolved the EA? From personal experience, once you let another person into your marriage, it's very hard to get them out, especially with an EA. My STBXH had an EA two years ago and I don't think we dealt with it correctly. I also think he never truly got over her. After calling him out on the EA, he never was 100% mine again even though he said I was what he wanted, our marriage was what he wanted. That unconditional love was broke.

[pteromom]

Have you tried dating?

 

By dating, I mean... going back to the beginning and trying to rekindle that spark you had then.

 

Get a babysitter, and DATE. Go to fun places that you used to go when dating. Talk - not about kids and work and daily routine, but about hopes and dreams and memories and things that light you up and make you feel alive. Act as if you are getting to know each other again. Flirt. Laugh.

 

Buy one of those "what would you do" type of party games, and play it together. It will get you talking about interesting things and may get you seeing each other in a new light.

 

Do something new together. Ballroom dance lessons. Tennis lessons. Training for a marathon. Something physical and challenging you can go through together.

 

It's not about toys and switching it up in the bedroom. It's about re-lighting that fire for each other. What happens OUTSIDE the bedroom will carry over into the bedroom.

[meow_mama]

The person I had the EA with died in a car accident before we could officially end things. This is an interesting point, and I'm going to give some more thought to it. I feel like I've moved beyond it, but death can be hard to deal with and maybe I've still got some residual issues there.

[meow_mama]

We have tried doing dates in the past (after EA happened) and we do still get time to go out together by ourselves and with our couple friends since we have family nearby to watch our son...perhaps we need to try and make it more like a real "date". I like to idea of trying something new together as well. We attempted to train for a half marathon together, but it just didn't work out, so we'll need to find something a little more flexible that we can do together. Thanks

 

Have you tried dating?

 

By dating, I mean... going back to the beginning and trying to rekindle that spark you had then.

 

Get a babysitter, and DATE. Go to fun places that you used to go when dating. Talk - not about kids and work and daily routine, but about hopes and dreams and memories and things that light you up and make you feel alive. Act as if you are getting to know each other again. Flirt. Laugh.

 

Buy one of those "what would you do" type of party games, and play it together. It will get you talking about interesting things and may get you seeing each other in a new light.

 

Do something new together. Ballroom dance lessons. Tennis lessons. Training for a marathon. Something physical and challenging you can go through together.

 

It's not about toys and switching it up in the bedroom. It's about re-lighting that fire for each other. What happens OUTSIDE the bedroom will carry over into the bedroom.

[Mailman]

Never ever forget why you found him attractive in the first place. You had to have at one time right? So go back to that moment and remember that this is still the same guy.

 

You need to get involved in what I would call an animal lust experiment. He is your husband, nothing that you can try from an experimental standpoint should ever be weird. Get into voyeurism if you have to. Seriously. Video tape things, role play, watch the tape afterwards. You just very well may never look at your spouse the same way once you've seen him violate you like it was his prom.

 

Maybe these suggestions sound bizarre, but if you want that lust back, you have to try things. Everyone gets into that "comfort" zone. I think you should always want to "ruin" your spouse in the back of your mind, and once that is gone, you are in trouble. So try these things.

[Nyla]

Hi there,

 

My husband and I are contemplating getting divorced because there is a lack of sexual attraction and intimacy. We met 10 years ago (2003) when I was 18 while at college. For the first 2 years we had sex all of the time. It wasn't necessarily good sex and I can't say there was any real emotional connection during the sex, but we both wanted and had sex often. By about 3 years (2006) in I noticed I had zero sex drive - I thought it was related to being on birth control so I tried switching brands and different methods in hopes of bringing it back. We got married 5 years ago (2008) even though the sex issues weren't resolved. I started to realize I still had a desire for sex, just not with my husband. In 2010 I had a short EA & PA and told my husband about it. We spent a good year+ in marriage counseling working on this issue in addition to communication.

 

I feel like we communicate great now - we can share whenever something is going on, I don't feel scared to tell him things, and he is the same way. I've also spent a lot of time working on being less reactive to things to really help more with communication. Unfortunately, I still have no sexual desire towards him. We have a 18 month old child and I thought it could've been hormones or depression, but I'm really quite happy otherwise and I have a strong sexual desire (i.e. I feel horny), but my husband just doesn't do it for me. It's not that he's bad in bed, he can bring me to orgasm and I've explained to him what I like and don't like in bed, but I still just don't like it coming from him. I still find him to be physically attractive, so it's not that I don't like the looks of him. I don't feel turned on in the slightest and can't take him seriously in bed. We've tried different locations, positions, and we've used toys before in the past, but I'm just not into him that way. I love him and care a lot for him and I want him to be in a satisfying marriage, both emotionally and sexually, and I want the same for myself.

 

Any tips/suggestions/thoughts/exercises we could be doing to improve this? Is this just part of being married and something I just need to get over and deal with?

 

I think you are still attached to your AP and you stopped enjoying sex with your husband as a result.

 

Some people would say that sex is not a good reason to divorce. I disagree because I love sex and it is an important part of marriage.

 

It seems like you have made a huge effort. Ultimately, you will have to decide to live with no passion or divorce.

[meow_mama]

I can say that I definitely don't still feel attached to the person I had the affair with. He passed away and I spent my time grieving and moved on. I stopped having an interest in my husband a few years before that event happened anyway.

 

Sex is definitely an important part of marriage, I feel it's how you can bond and be intimate with your spouse in a way unique to you both.

 

I think you are still attached to your AP and you stopped enjoying sex with your husband as a result.

 

Some people would say that sex is not a good reason to divorce. I disagree because I love sex and it is an important part of marriage.

 

It seems like you have made a huge effort. Ultimately, you will have to decide to live with no passion or divorce.

[meow_mama]

As strange as it sounds to say, I feel almost embarrassed being with my husband. It's like he's the best friend you would never ever want to have sex with and view almost like a brother or sister. It feels almost "icky" (for lack of a better word) when he touches me, but I'll think more about this and talk to him about it. Thanks

 

Never ever forget why you found him attractive in the first place. You had to have at one time right? So go back to that moment and remember that this is still the same guy.

 

You need to get involved in what I would call an animal lust experiment. He is your husband, nothing that you can try from an experimental standpoint should ever be weird. Get into voyeurism if you have to. Seriously. Video tape things, role play, watch the tape afterwards. You just very well may never look at your spouse the same way once you've seen him violate you like it was his prom.

 

Maybe these suggestions sound bizarre, but if you want that lust back, you have to try things. Everyone gets into that "comfort" zone. I think you should always want to "ruin" your spouse in the back of your mind, and once that is gone, you are in trouble. So try these things.

[Nyla]

I can say that I definitely don't still feel attached to the person I had the affair with. He passed away and I spent my time grieving and moved on. I stopped having an interest in my husband a few years before that event happened anyway.

 

Sex is definitely an important part of marriage, I feel it's how you can bond and be intimate with your spouse in a way unique to you both.

 

I agree with your perception of married sex.

 

What was happening in your life when you lost interest in your husband?

[M30USA]

Sounds like the OP just doesn't like monogamy.

[meow_mama]

I lost interest right around the time we got engaged...so we would've been graduating college and finding jobs around that time.

 

I agree with your perception of married sex.

 

What was happening in your life when you lost interest in your husband?

[meow_mama]

The sex issue was covered, but really only very surface level. I'll check out that website and will try to search for someone in our area to meet with. As much as marriage counseling helped with our communication issues, I think a sex specialist is more what we need. Thank you for your suggestion

 

I know you said you went to marriage counseling, but it doesn't sound like this particular issue was discussed (sexual satisfaction). Just the affair and communication. Maybe it would be helpful to see a counselor who is knowledgeable in this particular area. You might also want to check out the website of Drs. Cliff and Joyce Penner. They are sexual therapists. It is www.passionatecommitment.com. Don't give up on your marriage...this is definitely an issue that can be corrected with assistance!

[Nyla]

I lost interest right around the time we got engaged...so we would've been graduating college and finding jobs around that time.

 

It looks like commitment is associated with bad sex for you. Maybe getting married made you feel trapped.

 

What made you decide to marry your husband when you weren't happy with your sex life?

[meow_mama]

I loved him and thought getting married was the logical next step...and I was also still hoping that the low sexual desire was because of birth control and would be fixed with either enough tweaking or going off of it all together (but after 3 years of tweaking birth control nothing changed in regards to desire).

 

It looks like commitment is associated with bad sex for you. Maybe getting married made you feel trapped.

 

What made you decide to marry your husband when you weren't happy with your sex life?

[crederer]

What is it about your husband that you have no desire to have sex with him? The reality is, there is no marriage or couple that can last forever without communication. You married the man the least you can do is express openly with respect for his feelings what it is he could do to help you get in the mood.

 

I had an ex that due to medication didn't want sex very often at all. When we discussed it, she said one time "well you don't really do anything to put me in the mood" which i found weird cause in general I'm a relatively romantic guy so i didn't know what she meant. When I asked for clarification she said "I don't even really know........I can't really say what it is" Well great, you're not happy but you can't tell me why you're not happy. Effing awesome communication skills, babe.

[theothersully]

I've been there! My ex wife and I went through the same thing for a while. Best friends. What broke it was one wild night out together partying with friends.

 

When we got back, it was the best sex of the entire marriage.

 

Get out of the comfort zone. Have a few drinks and have a whole bunch of single person type fun together. It is easier than trying to figure it out. It allows you to see your best friend as a sexual being again as other girls check him out and other guys check you out.

[meow_mama]

Well, to me he just doesn't come across as confident (which I realize could be related to ****ty sex for so many years). I asked him if he feels unconfident when approaching me for sex or when we're in bed and he said he feels just fine. I also don't really feel very mentally stimulated - it's like he just comes at me and expects me to be instantly turned on. I guess that's a good topic for him and I to discuss in further detail and to talk more about ways to he can stimulate me more.

 

What is it about your husband that you have no desire to have sex with him? The reality is, there is no marriage or couple that can last forever without communication. You married the man the least you can do is express openly with respect for his feelings what it is he could do to help you get in the mood. Thanks

 

I had an ex that due to medication didn't want sex very often at all. When we discussed it, she said one time "well you don't really do anything to put me in the mood" which i found weird cause in general I'm a relatively romantic guy so i didn't know what she meant. When I asked for clarification she said "I don't even really know........I can't really say what it is" Well great, you're not happy but you can't tell me why you're not happy. Effing awesome communication skills, babe.

[meow_mama]

That actually sounds like a good/fun idea. We'll need to find a sitter and try to do that

 

I've been there! My ex wife and I went through the same thing for a while. Best friends. What broke it was one wild night out together partying with friends.

 

When we got back, it was the best sex of the entire marriage.

 

Get out of the comfort zone. Have a few drinks and have a whole bunch of single person type fun together. It is easier than trying to figure it out. It allows you to see your best friend as a sexual being again as other girls check him out and other guys check you out.

[Nyla]

Well, to me he just doesn't come across as confident (which I realize could be related to ****ty sex for so many years). I asked him if he feels unconfident when approaching me for sex or when we're in bed and he said he feels just fine. I also don't really feel very mentally stimulated - it's like he just comes at me and expects me to be instantly turned on. I guess that's a good topic for him and I to discuss in further detail and to talk more about ways to he can stimulate me more.

 

What can you do for your husband? It isn't all about your desires.

 

Maybe he doesn't feel confident because of how long you have not enjoyed sex.

 

You are not to blame for all of the sexual problems, but it is unfair to only talk about what he can do for you.

 

My husband is a wonderful lover. He does everything he can to please me, so I don't mind making some changes that he has asked me to make. It goes BOTH ways.

[whichwayisup]

As strange as it sounds to say, I feel almost embarrassed being with my husband. It's like he's the best friend you would never ever want to have sex with and view almost like a brother or sister. It feels almost "icky" (for lack of a better word) when he touches me, but I'll think more about this and talk to him about it. Thanks

 

Since you never had that sexual energy towards your husband from the get go, as much as I don't like to say this, but it's not going to come all of a sudden (sorry for choice of words!) out of thin air. You can try counseling, sexual therapy together, but the fact you said there's an 'ick' factor in there, and how you describe how you feel towards him, then sit and talk to him, weigh the pro's and con's, be honest, even if it hurts to say it or if it hurts me. Maybe separate and see how things go.

[Trinichica]

Girl, I'm so sorry. My marriage was the same and I ended up being unfaithful toward the end and getting divorced. It was the 10yr timeline, too!!!!! Only you know what is best for you. People get intimate for different reasons, and it helps if they get intimate for similar reasons. You will know what yours were back when you met at 18 and what's taking place now.

[Trinichica]

Girl, I'm so sorry. My marriage was the same and I ended up being unfaithful toward the end and getting divorced. It was the 10yr timeline, too!!!!! Only you know what is best for you. It was extremely painful for me to honest in therapy, so can u imagine how painful it was for my ex husband? There was no way I could be so attracted to other men and be in love with my husband. People get intimate for different reasons, and it helps if they get intimate for similar reasons. You will know what yours were back when you met at 18(and man, were u honest) and what's taking place now.