JitteryCoffeeBean Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 How was your sex drive before going on birth control? Birth control messed up my desire, personally. No amount of brand changing did anything for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meow_mama Posted October 24, 2013 Author Share Posted October 24, 2013 I have asked him what things could be done for him. Oral is a big one that I've started doing again recently (despite not enjoying it, but it makes him happy). He also wants me to initiate more - I'm still working on that since it's hard to initiate sex when you're not into it or turned on. I definitely don't mind making changes, and he doesn't either. What can you do for your husband? It isn't all about your desires. Maybe he doesn't feel confident because of how long you have not enjoyed sex. You are not to blame for all of the sexual problems, but it is unfair to only talk about what he can do for you. My husband is a wonderful lover. He does everything he can to please me, so I don't mind making some changes that he has asked me to make. It goes BOTH ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meow_mama Posted October 24, 2013 Author Share Posted October 24, 2013 We talked about sex therapy last night. I think that's going to be the logical next step for us. Since you never had that sexual energy towards your husband from the get go, as much as I don't like to say this, but it's not going to come all of a sudden (sorry for choice of words!) out of thin air. You can try counseling, sexual therapy together, but the fact you said there's an 'ick' factor in there, and how you describe how you feel towards him, then sit and talk to him, weigh the pro's and con's, be honest, even if it hurts to say it or if it hurts me. Maybe separate and see how things go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meow_mama Posted October 24, 2013 Author Share Posted October 24, 2013 It has been painful to share these things with my husband. I hate to see how much it hurts him, but I feel I need to be honest with him too. Girl, I'm so sorry. My marriage was the same and I ended up being unfaithful toward the end and getting divorced. It was the 10yr timeline, too!!!!! Only you know what is best for you. It was extremely painful for me to honest in therapy, so can u imagine how painful it was for my ex husband? There was no way I could be so attracted to other men and be in love with my husband. People get intimate for different reasons, and it helps if they get intimate for similar reasons. You will know what yours were back when you met at 18(and man, were u honest) and what's taking place now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meow_mama Posted October 24, 2013 Author Share Posted October 24, 2013 I had a pretty healthy sex drive before going on BC. It's never been the same since going off of it, but I definitely do have it back. How was your sex drive before going on birth control? Birth control messed up my desire, personally. No amount of brand changing did anything for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meow_mama Posted October 24, 2013 Author Share Posted October 24, 2013 I think we're going to try sex therapy. We did marriage counseling for 1+ years previously, and we did learn a lot about communication and benefitted from it greatly. I think we need something a bit more specialized at this point. I will check out the article and the book...thanks for sharing those I'm so sorry to hear you are facing this challenge in your marriage. Dating and re-establishing that side of your relationship may be a great place to start. Have you thought about seeking marital counseling to help you through this? Sometimes having someone on the outside to help you both with communication and feelings can be very beneficial as well. Here is an online article that addresses your question about whether or not to get a divorce. In addition, here are a couple books that may add some spice to your marriage: 52 Ways to Have Fun Fantastic Sex By Clifford and Joyce Penner Red-Hot Monogamy By Bill and Pam Farrel Blessings! Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 It's not that uncommon for people's sex drives to decline after the first two years of a relationship. That seems to be when the honeymoon period ends and hormones die down. When you say that sex with your husband is "icky", though, that suggests something more may be going on. Especially since you still have a sex drive that isn't directed at him. You might need to bring some romance back into the relationship so that your husband feels more like a lover to you rather than just a friend. Some marriage therapists tend to focus on the logical/practical needs of a relationship and not pay enough attention to the emotional side. A sex therapist might be better at helping you restore that part of the relationship. You could also try a vacation without your child to see if that can help things. The book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman could be well worth checking out as well. It helps pinpoint which particulars are important to you, so you can figure out what exactly is missing that makes you feel less in love. To answer the question of whether sex is necessary in a marriage, there's no yes/no, black/white answer to that. Some people can be content in a sexless marriage. Other people would be completely miserable. If you're unable to restore your sex life, you'll need to figure out which is you and your husband. Hopefully, the situation can be improved before then. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author meow_mama Posted October 24, 2013 Author Share Posted October 24, 2013 He does feel more like a friend than a lover, so I think that's where the "ick" feelings come in. I've heard about the love languages book, but have not read it before - I'll look into getting that one. We've decided a sex therapist will be the next step for us, since we don't know that a marriage counselor will really help us rebuild that part of our relationship. Thanks for the suggestions It's not that uncommon for people's sex drives to decline after the first two years of a relationship. That seems to be when the honeymoon period ends and hormones die down. When you say that sex with your husband is "icky", though, that suggests something more may be going on. Especially since you still have a sex drive that isn't directed at him. You might need to bring some romance back into the relationship so that your husband feels more like a lover to you rather than just a friend. Some marriage therapists tend to focus on the logical/practical needs of a relationship and not pay enough attention to the emotional side. A sex therapist might be better at helping you restore that part of the relationship. You could also try a vacation without your child to see if that can help things. The book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman could be well worth checking out as well. It helps pinpoint which particulars are important to you, so you can figure out what exactly is missing that makes you feel less in love. To answer the question of whether sex is necessary in a marriage, there's no yes/no, black/white answer to that. Some people can be content in a sexless marriage. Other people would be completely miserable. If you're unable to restore your sex life, you'll need to figure out which is you and your husband. Hopefully, the situation can be improved before then. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Do you think that a sex therapist will be able to stop you from feeling "icky" towards your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Author meow_mama Posted October 26, 2013 Author Share Posted October 26, 2013 I have no idea, but I hope so. I'm hoping the therapist will help me discover more about why I'm feeling that way and then can go from there on if this feeling can be changed, or if it's just the way it is. Sometimes I think it has a lot to do with viewing him as a friend and not a lover, so hopefully with some help that can change to where I can view him as a lover. Do you think that a sex therapist will be able to stop you from feeling "icky" towards your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 If you cannot get this resolved, please let him go so he can find someone who actually loves him and wants to be with him. That is not meant to be mean, but when you are sexually neglected, it is awful. Link to post Share on other sites
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