Sick ex wife.. right thing to do?

[Jstub]

Here I am again! with a dilemma - yet another battle in my head. I am taking action, but I guess I am here to get opinions...

 

I walked out on my ex back in April, due to infidelity (3rd one I knew about), filed for divorce and life has been generally good to me.

 

My ex is sick, she had been sick for a while, but I never knew what was really wrong with her (or if she was just making stuff up to get sympathy). She has been diagnosed with an illness that impacts her nervous system. She has trouble walking sometimes, she has trouble seeing sometimes. Ultimately, she will end up in a wheelchair.

 

Before I go on, this is the first dilemma already - Is this MY responsibility at all? she is the mother of my children (we have 3 and 4 year old)- yes - that is true. BUT didn't SHE burn the bridge? she cheated on me 3 times. I didn't leave because I didn't want to look after her - i left her, because (in actions) she was not interested in being married. Now, obviously, I want my children to have their mother functioning - but where is the line?

 

She constantly calls me. Tries to make me feel guilty. She has caused me a couple of fights with a couple of other women as to why my ex is calling me. It's always a fight about the kid's schedule. She asks me to help her clean her house, clean the kid's room. Whenever I am to spend time with the kids, she asks me to spend that time at her place, in case she needs something. Whenever I do not agree with her, she tells me I am hurting the children, because hurting her means hurting the children. Whenever I try to stick to our pre-agreed schedule, and she wants to make changes to it, because of x-y-z, she says, I am putting my sex life before the needs of my children. She asks me to take care of her bills (not the $$$, but paying her bills using her accounts). She has even asked me to move in with her and live as "friends".

 

I tell her the following:

 

I am no longer responsible for you. You are no longer my wife and you cannot expect me to act like your husband, minus the emotional / physical connection. The children and you are completely separate. I will never abandon the children, and I am more than willing to change the custody agreements and take primary custody myself, since you claim you cannot take care of the children sometimes. I am always available to take the children, when you cannot provide care for them, but i will do it on my terms. I will come and PICK UP the children and take them to MY house and NOT stay at your house as a visitor / babysitter.

 

I believe I am doing the right thing, but at the same time, I feel guilty sometimes. She does not really have anyone to call for help - she screwed herself. The last guy she cheated with is nowhere to be found (don't know real details - but it looks like that didn't work out). What is the human thing to do?? Am i being a monster? Once the divorce is finalized (which is very very soon) she will also lose her health insurance (she gets that through my work)... should I hold off on finalizing the divorce???

 

What do you think?

[M30USA]

Here I am again! with a dilemma - yet another battle in my head. I am taking action, but I guess I am here to get opinions...

 

I walked out on my ex back in April, due to infidelity (3rd one I knew about), filed for divorce and life has been generally good to me.

 

My ex is sick, she had been sick for a while, but I never knew what was really wrong with her (or if she was just making stuff up to get sympathy). She has been diagnosed with an illness that impacts her nervous system. She has trouble walking sometimes, she has trouble seeing sometimes. Ultimately, she will end up in a wheelchair.

 

Before I go on, this is the first dilemma already - Is this MY responsibility at all? she is the mother of my children (we have 3 and 4 year old)- yes - that is true. BUT didn't SHE burn the bridge? she cheated on me 3 times. I didn't leave because I didn't want to look after her - i left her, because (in actions) she was not interested in being married. Now, obviously, I want my children to have their mother functioning - but where is the line?

 

She constantly calls me. Tries to make me feel guilty. She has caused me a couple of fights with a couple of other women as to why my ex is calling me. It's always a fight about the kid's schedule. She asks me to help her clean her house, clean the kid's room. Whenever I am to spend time with the kids, she asks me to spend that time at her place, in case she needs something. Whenever I do not agree with her, she tells me I am hurting the children, because hurting her means hurting the children. Whenever I try to stick to our pre-agreed schedule, and she wants to make changes to it, because of x-y-z, she says, I am putting my sex life before the needs of my children. She asks me to take care of her bills (not the $$$, but paying her bills using her accounts). She has even asked me to move in with her and live as "friends".

 

I tell her the following:

 

I am no longer responsible for you. You are no longer my wife and you cannot expect me to act like your husband, minus the emotional / physical connection. The children and you are completely separate. I will never abandon the children, and I am more than willing to change the custody agreements and take primary custody myself, since you claim you cannot take care of the children sometimes. I am always available to take the children, when you cannot provide care for them, but i will do it on my terms. I will come and PICK UP the children and take them to MY house and NOT stay at your house as a visitor / babysitter.

 

I believe I am doing the right thing, but at the same time, I feel guilty sometimes. She does not really have anyone to call for help - she screwed herself. The last guy she cheated with is nowhere to be found (don't know real details - but it looks like that didn't work out). What is the human thing to do?? Am i being a monster? Once the divorce is finalized (which is very very soon) she will also lose her health insurance (she gets that through my work)... should I hold off on finalizing the divorce???

 

What do you think?

 

Unfortunately life is rough, and so are consequences. If you are being completely honest that you had no clue about her illness prior to divorce/separation, and that the reason for it was HER infidelity 3 times, then you are no longer responsible to be her helpmate and life companion. She must accept this harsh reality. I would still help her in the same fashion that you would help any stranger (just as basic human empathy) but anything in excess of this is entirely your prerogative and you should have no guilt if you decline. There will always be another man who will be her caretaker as the disease progresses. I see the disease as a separate issue which shouldn't be weighed as a factor in your decision.

[littlejaz]

I know I may sound callous to some but as a BS, I agree with you. You are no longer responsible for her. That is the whole point of divorce.

 

My STBXH uses his ailments (real or imaginary) as a weapon to get people to feel sorry for him, not so much so they do things for him but so they don't hold him responsible for his actions. 15 years of that was enough. Now, I don't care if they tell me he has 6 weeks to live, it is not my problem.

 

And in your case, it might be different if she wasn't trying to make you feel guilty or if she was respecting your new life, but she is not. From what you said she is not just asking for your help, she is trying to control your life. I would document everything that happens and talk to my attorney about when it might be time to go back to court and change the custody orders.

 

The one thing I might be willing to do if I was in your shoes to ease the guilt is pay for a cleaning service to help with the house if I could afford it. Although you have no reason to feel guilty, but somehow those of us who were betrayed also do, while those that did the betraying don't.

 

Like I said, I hate to sound callous but she made her bed. She certainly was not putting the children before her sex life when she was jumping into bed with 3 OM.

[Porridge]

My first question on this, and I don't mean to be rude, is whether you're 100% certain that your ex does have a serious illness?

 

The reason I ask is because my BPD ex spent two years telling me, family, everybody that she had multiple sclerosis. She didn't though, it was just a fantasy used to get sympathy and attention.

 

I'm not for one second suggesting your ex has a personality disorder or anything, but I have seen both men and women fabricate or exaggerate instances to earn favour. It certainly appears like it's being used as a tool to control you at the moment.

 

If you're dead sure she has the illness (you went to hopsital with her/you've seen her medical records etc) then I agree that her infidelity and your subsequent divorce means that there should be no expectation on you to support her. Where are these other three men that were there when she fancied a bit of fun? As people say, life is cruel and sometimes that cruelty serves a harsh lesson.

 

Look after yourself and your kids. That indirectly helps her too, even if she's too bitter to admit it.

[HokeyReligions]

You are not responsible for her. Whether or not she is physically ill, in your place I would file for primary custody right away. The reasons being her illness AND the fact that she is manipulating the children and causing them emotional trauma by her words and actions.

 

Record every phone call. Keep a log of dates and times and duration of conversations. Journal what was said and who was present.

 

The contact you have should be limited to the kids. To that you might consider family counseling to help you both parent the kids and help them deal with her illness.

 

My sad had MS. When I was 4 I was responsible for emptying his urin bag. By 7 I could wash his body from the waist up and knees down. I could shave him and care tor his dentures including taking them in and out. I fed him and lit his smokes. He was completely paralyzed and blind. There was a lot more I did. I was working since I was 5 mowing lawns and such. TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS.

[melissag]

Wow, I think of myself as a fairly sympathetic and compassionate person, but I am having trouble feeling sorry for your XW right now. I agree with the others - she got herself where she is now, so she's going to have to live with the consequences. If you had even said she cheated once, I might still feel bad for her. But three times. No. And she's obviously just continuing to be selfish. Has she done any real soul searching? Acknowledged her part in the breakup and shown true remorse? It doesn't sound like it. Sick or not sick, you treat someone like trash, don't expect to be treated any better in return. You are a good man for even considering this question. She doesn't deserve you.

[nbman]

I too agree with the above comments. You did mention that insurance issue, and I know another poster suggested paying for cleaning services. Would it be that much of an issue to keep her on your insurance with the kids if you are 1000% certain her illness is legit? It might ease your sould and show your kids how genuine you are with respect to their mother. Kids notice the smallest details about the interactions between their parents, and kindness and compassion can change a childs life forever..

[GuyInLimbo]

Karma's a b*tch, ain't it?

[Jstub]

Unfortunately life is rough, and so are consequences. If you are being completely honest that you had no clue about her illness prior to divorce/separation, and that the reason for it was HER infidelity 3 times, then you are no longer responsible to be her helpmate and life companion. She must accept this harsh reality. I would still help her in the same fashion that you would help any stranger (just as basic human empathy) but anything in excess of this is entirely your prerogative and you should have no guilt if you decline. There will always be another man who will be her caretaker as the disease progresses. I see the disease as a separate issue which shouldn't be weighed as a factor in your decision.

 

I can assure you - I had no idea. Even after the PAs i tried to reconcile (or considered to) but the third one put a nail in the coffin sort of. Regarding your comment as to helping her like I would help any other human being. That is a very wide statement. I feel like, I do a LOT for her, certainly more than what I do for another fellow human being. Of course she gets some sort of "special" treatment, because of the history we have had, kids etc. But the challenge is, she wants way more than that - she wants me to play her husband.

[Jstub]

My first question on this, and I don't mean to be rude, is whether you're 100% certain that your ex does have a serious illness?

 

The reason I ask is because my BPD ex spent two years telling me, family, everybody that she had multiple sclerosis. She didn't though, it was just a fantasy used to get sympathy and attention.

 

I'm not for one second suggesting your ex has a personality disorder or anything, but I have seen both men and women fabricate or exaggerate instances to earn favour. It certainly appears like it's being used as a tool to control you at the moment.

 

If you're dead sure she has the illness (you went to hopsital with her/you've seen her medical records etc) then I agree that her infidelity and your subsequent divorce means that there should be no expectation on you to support her. Where are these other three men that were there when she fancied a bit of fun? As people say, life is cruel and sometimes that cruelty serves a harsh lesson.

 

Look after yourself and your kids. That indirectly helps her too, even if she's too bitter to admit it.

 

This one just made my head spin. I firmly believe my ex is BP and most probably borderline. Her past, her behavior are all lined up to make that happen. Am I 100% sure about MS? the short answer is no. Have I seen the test results? no.

 

I have seen the bills, the specialists, I have the names, I see the medications, I see her disabled temporary card, I see her walker. Can she make this stuff up to doctors? she can be quite convincing - but this? to go this far? if that is the case, then she really belongs in a mental institution, until she figures her crap out. I think i must dig... Thank you for mentioning this.

 

When we were married, and if she was having an argument with her mother or sister, and say they came to visit. She would tell me, I am going to pretend like I am more sick than I am (she was always sick with something) to get sympathy and defuse the situation. Please play along - tell them how sick I am... holy crap...

[Jstub]

Wow, I think of myself as a fairly sympathetic and compassionate person, but I am having trouble feeling sorry for your XW right now. I agree with the others - she got herself where she is now, so she's going to have to live with the consequences. If you had even said she cheated once, I might still feel bad for her. But three times. No. And she's obviously just continuing to be selfish. Has she done any real soul searching? Acknowledged her part in the breakup and shown true remorse? It doesn't sound like it. Sick or not sick, you treat someone like trash, don't expect to be treated any better in return. You are a good man for even considering this question. She doesn't deserve you.

 

Thank you for this - It kind of validates my thoughts - it still doesn't mean it is 100% right.

 

Regarding soul searching and acknowledgments and remorse. I believe the whole reason why our reconciliation attempt(s) failed MISERABLY, were her lack of remorse - none what so ever. She said "I am sorry for hurting you", but she was thinking, she had every right to do it, because I was not attentive to her needs. This can be an ongoing discussion, but it is not the time for that. Her not being remorseful, lead me to resent her, and that lead to another affair. Till today, the only thing she acknowledges, is that "we both made mistakes". But, I know deep down inside, she is not remorseful at all. She thinks she had every right to go have a weekend of fun, after being miserable with me for 7 years? We were not even married for 7 years when she cheated and I thought we were happy for 4 years?- but as you can see, from that statement - she changes her perception of what happened, and changes her reality.

 

Most of the time, I do not feel guilt. When I am away, i do not feel guilt. When I see her, crawling around like a cripple (maybe she is overdoing just to make me feel guilty), when I hear her talk and cry, how she cannot do things with her children, the guilty feeling creeps up on me... I know it shouldn't... I feel like it shouldn't - but it just does.

[Porridge]

I didn't know your ex was claiming to have MS - boy, that's a coincidence!

 

Here's what happened with mine, and I say it because it's possible with you. I'm not saying your ex is lying because I obviously know nothing about her, but this is my experience.....

 

Wife suffered pain, difficulty walking, dizziness etc. Went to doctors, received a lot of various medication and was eventually sent to specialists for tests. She never let me attend the consultations but claimed to have had scans which identified lesions on her brain. As a result of this, the specialists diagnosed a slowly progressing form of MS.

 

Now here's the truth. Wife suffered pain, difficulty walking, dizziness etc. Went to doctors, received a lot of various medication and was eventually sent to specialists for tests. Specialist diagnosed it as fibromyalgia (and I know she has this).

 

A diagnosis of fibromyalgia would generally require a process of ruling out more serious possibilities (hence the hospital fees) and also sees sufferers taking a lot of medication to manage it. The wife used pain killers by the packet and these included the likes of codeine, amitriptyline, diclofenac etc.

 

So the symptoms are very real and the medication is strong to manage it. I'm not for one moment discrediting fibromyalgia, it sounds a horrible condition which causes a lot of pain, but it's not life threatening. Also, for MS to be diagnosed a patient has to have spinal fluid assessed via a lumbar punch. My ex never had that.

 

Now here's the final point of interest. Fibromyalgia is relatively common in people with BPD. The causes are unknown but its speculated that it's the offset for the lack of grief that they express. E.g, we deal with a mental process to get over things, but in not doing this, they harbour stresses which come out physically. Whether that's true, i don't know.

 

I know of another person who's ex claimed MS when she in fact had fibromyalgia. If yours was the case it would be two. I'm not trying to convince you that this is the case though, i'm just suggesting that you keep an open mind - especially as you suspect your ex to have a PD.

[Jstub]

I didn't know your ex was claiming to have MS - boy, that's a coincidence!

 

Here's what happened with mine, and I say it because it's possible with you. I'm not saying your ex is lying because I obviously know nothing about her, but this is my experience.....

 

Wife suffered pain, difficulty walking, dizziness etc. Went to doctors, received a lot of various medication and was eventually sent to specialists for tests. She never let me attend the consultations but claimed to have had scans which identified lesions on her brain. As a result of this, the specialists diagnosed a slowly progressing form of MS.

 

Now here's the truth. Wife suffered pain, difficulty walking, dizziness etc. Went to doctors, received a lot of various medication and was eventually sent to specialists for tests. Specialist diagnosed it as fibromyalgia (and I know she has this).

 

A diagnosis of fibromyalgia would generally require a process of ruling out more serious possibilities (hence the hospital fees) and also sees sufferers taking a lot of medication to manage it. The wife used pain killers by the packet and these included the likes of codeine, amitriptyline, diclofenac etc.

 

So the symptoms are very real and the medication is strong to manage it. I'm not for one moment discrediting fibromyalgia, it sounds a horrible condition which causes a lot of pain, but it's not life threatening. Also, for MS to be diagnosed a patient has to have spinal fluid assessed via a lumbar punch. My ex never had that.

 

Now here's the final point of interest. Fibromyalgia is relatively common in people with BPD. The causes are unknown but its speculated that it's the offset for the lack of grief that they express. E.g, we deal with a mental process to get over things, but in not doing this, they harbour stresses which come out physically. Whether that's true, i don't know.

 

I know of another person who's ex claimed MS when she in fact had fibromyalgia. If yours was the case it would be two. I'm not trying to convince you that this is the case though, i'm just suggesting that you keep an open mind - especially as you suspect your ex to have a PD.

 

Again, thank you for taking the time to respond. I see some parallels here. The initial symptoms were, headaches - this lead to pain killer addiction. You are talking over 100 mg of norco or a lesser amount (still significant) of oxy. Then came the loss of vision, numbness in the extremities. Obviously, these are all "claims".

 

The doctors were on a different track. They were not trying to go for MS - but one blood test had an elevation of I forget what it was called, which is a sign of potential MS and 2 other conditions. The 2 other conditions were ruled out. The MRI came clean, but another blood test also indicated MS as a suspect. So now, there are 2 specialists who are saying - it is MS, pending the spinal test. I guess, I should definitely try to find the result of that test....

 

I will also research fibromyalgia - you never know. Thank you!

[IndecisionIsTorture]

I am no longer responsible for you. You are no longer my wife and you cannot expect me to act like your husband, minus the emotional / physical connection. The children and you are completely separate. I will never abandon the children, and I am more than willing to change the custody agreements and take primary custody myself, since you claim you cannot take care of the children sometimes. I am always available to take the children, when you cannot provide care for them, but i will do it on my terms. I will come and PICK UP the children and take them to MY house and NOT stay at your house as a visitor / babysitter.

 

I don't see why you need to say anymore than this. And talk to your attorney about how to change the custody agreement in the case where she gets to the point that she can no longer adequately ensure the safety and well-being of your children when they are with her.

 

Life sometimes, as they say, is a bitch. These are very unfortunate consequences for your wife, but they are of her own making (not getting sick, but cheating leading to your impending divorce).

 

My advice is to focus on your children; do not let her use them as pawns or to try to guilt-trip you. They are 3 & 4 years old, you need to ready yourself for the day you may need to legally take them from her if she cannot take care of them. Which, if she will end up in a wheelchair, sounds like a high probability.

[Grumpybutfun]

 

I am no longer responsible for you. You are no longer my wife and you cannot

expect me to act like your husband, minus the emotional / physical connection.

The children and you are completely separate. I will never abandon the children,

and I am more than willing to change the custody agreements and take primary

custody myself, since you claim you cannot take care of the children sometimes.

I am always available to take the children, when you cannot provide care for

them, but i will do it on my terms. I will come and PICK UP the children and

take them to MY house and NOT stay at your house as a visitor / babysitter.

 

I agree with Indecision is Torture....this^^

 

She made choices, choices that not only hurt you, but her children as well, and now she has to live with the fact that she was the one who threw away her husband. You are no longer her husband and so playing one is completely untenable. You sound like a really great guy, but she sounds like she has taken advantage of you for years. It is time you took care of your children, yourself and looked forward with hope. She will only drag you down with her emotionally, financially and mentally. Something else to consider...some people will use sickness, real or imaginary, to control someone else and this sounds highly probable from the symptoms above.

Live your life, enjoy it and take care of your kids. File for custody if you think she is harmful to them mentally. Like Hokey many people who grew up in homes with a hypochondriac or even sick parent say they did not get to enjoy their childhood because the attention was always focused on the patient. I know that sounds cruel, but your children's health and happiness have to be the first consideration here.

Best,

Grumps

Edited October 24, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[Grumpybutfun]

Jstub:

Look up Munchausen Syndrome...it is where someone pretends to be sick to get attention or their way and they CAN be completely convincing without any symptoms. With what you said about her acting to be sicker than she was when her family came to visit, I think this is a real possibility. Did she think you wouldn't remember this? Wow.

G

[Jstub]

I don't see why you need to say anymore than this. And talk to your attorney about how to change the custody agreement in the case where she gets to the point that she can no longer adequately ensure the safety and well-being of your children when they are with her.

 

Life sometimes, as they say, is a bitch. These are very unfortunate consequences for your wife, but they are of her own making (not getting sick, but cheating leading to your impending divorce).

 

My advice is to focus on your children; do not let her use them as pawns or to try to guilt-trip you. They are 3 & 4 years old, you need to ready yourself for the day you may need to legally take them from her if she cannot take care of them. Which, if she will end up in a wheelchair, sounds like a high probability.

 

More and more people seem to be reinforcing what I thought was right. That in itself is good. Obviously, I do not want to take my children away from their mother - never in that way. I believe children need their mother. At the same time, if i feel that she is incapable, or wants to use the children to make me do her bid, then it is a different story.

 

There have been threats of taking the children away - most of this is talk, as legally, she cannot do anything. She says, if i do not help her / comply with her wishes (of for example moving in with her), she would have no choice but to move back to europe with the children and it would be all my fault, as I had the opportunity to help the mother of his children and decided not to... really sick and twisted

[Jstub]

Jstub:

Look up Munchausen Syndrome...it is where someone pretends to be sick to get attention or their way and they CAN be completely convincing without any symptoms. With what you said about her acting to be sicker than she was when her family came to visit, I think this is a real possibility. Did she think you wouldn't remember this? Wow.

G

 

Very valid point. I do not even want to go down that road. I try to keep my communication with her to the minimum. I do not want to open that can of worms - If i bring up my doubts about the credibility of her sickness, I already know what the outcome will be. It will be a s**t-storm. I can't be bothered with that. She will call me a monster for doubting her like that, that's the reason she cheated, because i could never relate.. i can go on and on...

 

The point of all of this is that - it should NOT matter if it is true or not. Even if she was REALLY sick - i should NOT be held responsible. If I find out that it's all a lie, even better... makes things more clear, but I don't have to... I hope that makes sense.

[Tayla]

this post hit a nerve.

Without going into or highjacking this post..I will say this, take the high road and see what character is there....You'll be surprised to find that you are more human and compassionate in spite of her indiscretion.

 

Its absolutely possible to be civil and show your children that even "those" who have harmed us can be shown regard without being a shmuck for doing so. Set the ground rules if you go that direction of being hospitable. This is an opportunity for you both to overcome things....Shutting the door is probably not a good example though....

 

Ultimately as an adult its your choice...the actions you choose today will effect your future...Sometimes we have to get out of our own way to become what we can be to others....