180 or what?

[kurlykbay]

I have been married for 11 years. This past year has been extremely tough as my husband's brother was diagnosed with cancer and then died six months later. While this was going on, my husband built a friendship with one of his clients (who is also a friend of mine) that turned into an emotional affair.

 

After his brother died he started to become short with me, distant and frankly just annoyed about being around me. There months later he called me and told me he wasn't coming home.

 

I have begged, pleaded, yelled, cried - everything. He is like a runaway train. He is convinced we are incompatible and a divorce is what's best for him and the children. We have two young children.

 

We are moving slowly in the direction of a collaborative divorce which includes lots of counseling. At one of the sessions, he confessed to me that the emotional affair had turned into more and he was now in a relationship with this woman.

 

She is a total nut job to put it simply and our small neighborhood rumors are running rampant. I've been told she will get bored soon or he will realize how crazy she is and leave.

 

I'm currently at the 'I will do anything to save my marriage' stage and it has been a tough one to been in.

 

I have attempted the 180 plan but being an emotional person makes it hard.

 

Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated!

 

He left 57 days ago.

[Mr. Lucky]

Right now, the only one holding you back is you. If he left 2 months ago, time to accept reality - he's moved on and so should you.

 

Spend some time here reading. The beauty of 180 is that you improve physically and mentally, ready for either option of divorced or reconciled. Stuck in place and waiting, all your partner sees is the same old you. You should focus on showing him what he's missing.

 

Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[melissag]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sounds similar - the part about how H has decided all on his own that we will just never work together, and that D is best for the kids. I have no idea where they come up with this crap - of course D isn't best for the kids. But I digress.

 

I first learned about 180s on this forum, but got the better scoop from where they originated - the book Divorce Remedy. Go buy it. Read it. It will help you. It will (1) give you hope that you can make your M better; and (b) prepare you for life on your own, if that is what eventually happens.

 

As you have figured out already, begging, pleading, etc. only makes things worse. That's humiliating for you and it pressures him. Also, if/when he realizes the OW is a nut job, don't you want to look sane and rational in comparison?

 

I'm with Mr. L. Being an emotional wreck is no way to live. Read the book. Get a life. Do the 180s. Do the Last Resort Technique. You will like yourself a whole lot better, and hey, maybe he will too.

 

Good luck - keep posting, it's great to have the support here.

[kurlykbay]

Great feedback, thank you!

 

Any tips on how to 180 with kids?

We text constantly on soccer schedules, parent conferencing etc.

Sometimes it sees excessive on his part.

 

I do start to feel better the longer I go without hearing from him. I even go out of my way to make sure we don't have to see each other with transfers etc.

[melissag]

You need to read the book. It explains 180 much better. The point of 180 is, you don't do the same old crap that wasn't working before. It doesn't mean you are mean, or cold, or rude. It means that you are just different. In a good way.

 

 

180 is not the same as NC, going dark, or even going dim. It's about not pursuing him and letting him see how awesome you are, but without any pressure. It's about getting your own life, so that you can get a life and be happy, but also so that he can see that you are going to be your awesome self (different than the one he makes out to be so horrible in his mind that he had to leave her) whether he is in or not.

 

It's funny, when thinking of 180 behavior, I see that most of the same old stuff I did that he hated wasn't even me. It was some weird person I turned into that *I* don't even like. And the 180 behavior is so much easier than the same old. Dumb me for not figuring this out sooner. (Where is the "punch yourself in the face" icon?)

 

But seriously, get the book.