when the A is exposed, does marriage actually works?

[krazikat]

I I don't remember saying I was flattered. I said I just believed him and felt sorry for him. You sound like a BS and bitter and I can understand that.

 

 

How does she sound like a bitter bs? And why do some ow always assume someone is a bitter bs just because the poster doesnt agree?

 

You made a choice to be involved with a mm. You took that risk knowing full well he was a mm. If someone points out issues with that, that doesnt make them a bitter bs. And you honestly say you werent flattered by his persistant interest in you? You just felt sorry for him? Do you become involved with everyone you feel sorry for?

[jlola]

I I don't remember saying I was flattered. I said I just believed him and felt sorry for him. You sound like a BS and bitter and I can understand that.

 

Sorry,not a BS and not bitter. I have been hit on by MM since I was 13,so to me it is a turn-off. A Married man who keeps chasing me would upset me if I kept saying "not interested" and he persist. It means he is not respecting my wants or boundaries.

 

BTW, my immediate family is exactly split in half with cheaters and non cheaters. I know which side I am on. I like ,my life drama free thank you! Had enough unwanted drama as a child to know trauma causes me to feel illl.

 

. I see clearly cheaters games. Had a front seat all my life.Before I was even born, my father had an affair with MOW 3 doors down which produced my half sister. He would write love letters to all his OW,but would never leave the marriage and beg my mother back each ti e she was about to let him go.My half sister and oldest are also cheaters

 

I am the youngest of 4 girls and I have seen how cheating has destroyed so much. One thing I can say about my father and sister's are that they portray themselves as victims very well, but they are the most selfish people I know. Only when you are close to them can you see that reality.

[threelaurels]

I wonder when wife finds about A and they both commit to make it work for kids and poor BOW becomes the bad person. Does it actuslly work for them or they are playing husband and wife? I wont be able loveafter being cheated on. How is life afterwards? Any thoughts?

 

People can go on to have happy, healthy marriages after an A. It happens all the time. The one factor that is consistent across affairs is the WS.

 

I have cheated. I did not cheat because I was in a bad situation. I cheated be because I had poor coping skills--coping skills that led me to be in a bad situation in the first place.

 

I have gone to therapy. I have made strides to better myself and be a better person. Although I cannot predict the future with 100% certainty, I can honestly say that the chances of me cheating again are very slim. I have learned from my mistakes.

 

If the WS is willing to address the internal things that led them to cheat, the chances of them cheating again are low. However, if the WS does not address these things, they may very well cheat again. Reconciling is not easy. It requires effort and changes from both parties, but it's possible.

[waterwoman]

It depends I guess. On the state of the marriage. On the character and motivations of the two spouses. On the nature of the affair relationship and the reason it started. No two marriages are alike.

[nicepuzzle]

Once a cheater is always a cheater. Poor BS want to believe that they changed.

 

 

Yes, poor me- home every night with my husband that belongs only to me-that realized what he had done and changed-it is unfortunate that people do not believe people can change-I believe people can- I believe OWs can find a man that belongs only to them and will never cheat on them on that person. I do not believe that OWs are destine to be nothing more than an OW or a WS.

 

Do you believe that you will never have a healthy relationship because you are a cheater- do you believe that is your destiny-to be a cheater for life? How do you deal with feeling like that about yourself? When did you become so hopeless about yourself?

 

Its nice that after cheating its working out for you. In my case I was never a cheater, I was just cooed by a cheater so thats a diffrent story. I believe if a person can be dishonest and lie once he can do it again. Honesty and integrity is part of the personality. I am glad your husband is finally yours and hope it stays that way .

[nicepuzzle]

 

How does she sound like a bitter bs? And why do some ow always assume someone is a bitter bs just because the poster doesnt agree?

 

You made a choice to be involved with a mm. You took that risk knowing full well he was a mm. If someone points out issues with that, that doesnt make them a bitter bs. And you honestly say you werent flattered by his persistant interest in you? You just felt sorry for him? Do you become involved with everyone you feel sorry for?

 

Some MM work on women heart to make them feel sorry before getting physical. love makes people in haze and brain doesnt work.

[nicepuzzle]

Sorry,not a BS and not bitter. I have been hit on by MM since I was 13,so to me it is a turn-off. A Married man who keeps chasing me would upset me if I kept saying "not interested" and he persist. It means he is not respecting my wants or boundaries.

 

BTW, my immediate family is exactly split in half with cheaters and non cheaters. I know which side I am on. I like ,my life drama free thank you! Had enough unwanted drama as a child to know trauma causes me to feel illl.

 

. I see clearly cheaters games. Had a front seat all my life.Before I was even born, my father had an affair with MOW 3 doors down which produced my half sister. He would write love letters to all his OW,but would never leave the marriage and beg my mother back each ti e she was about to let him go.My half sister and oldest are also cheaters

 

I am the youngest of 4 girls and I have seen how cheating has destroyed so much. One thing I can say about my father and sister's are that they portray themselves as victims very well, but they are the most selfish people I know. Only when you are close to them can you see that reality.

 

My dad was a player but he always fell in love himself

[underwater2010]

I wonder when wife finds about A and they both commit to make it work for kids and poor BOW becomes the bad person.

 

Does it actuslly work for them or they are playing husband and wife?

 

A lot of it depends on the couple. Are they willing to BOTH do the work necessary to have a true marriage again? Is the OW/MOW are willing to back off and let the work on the marriage? Is the WS remorseful and not a serial cheater?

 

I wont be able loveafter being cheated on.

 

Are you saying this because you are a BS or are you the OW/MOW? Please clarify things. As an OW/MOW, unless there were more than one OW you were not cheated on.

 

How is life afterwards? Any thoughts?

 

I will answer from my perspective as a BW.

 

For the first few months, it was a lot of sadness and anger towards both FWH and his MOW. How could he do this to me while I was working hard for our family? How could she a mother and wife think it was in anyway acceptable to jeopardize my or her family? I made sure that her BH knew all the details.

 

After about six month it was just sadness and a lot of checking to make sure FWH was keeping NC and not interacting with anyone new. A lot of talking and reassuring each other. I did a ton of research finding this and other forums and found some peace with the whys/hows.

 

After a year I put my wedding ring back on. I look forward to the future. Sometimes my mind wonders back to the time of DDay, but for the majority I am lucky that my FWH has towed the line and spent time trying to make sure that I KNOW I am his one and only now.

 

As far as the kids. I never told them and don't plan to, unless they need guidance as a married adult.

 

It is a tough road to travel and I have wished many times that I was never put in this place, but I am walking it one step at a time....putting one foot in front of the other. And as time goes by the feeling of having to check my footing before I lift the other foot slips away.

 

But that is my story, I have read others that are harder to travel and are filled with pitfalls all along the way.

 

See bolded.

[underwater2010]

My best friend's husband cheated, got caught, felt guilty had teenage sex and when things calmed down started looking out again and he was also hitting on me. Once a cheater is always a cheater. Poor BS want to believe that they changed. And what would you say about man who dont even admit it and have/had multiple partners and spouse is in denial....

Notice how we are giving our examples and it is turned around to fit your story.

 

It is sad that you BF was treated this way and I hope that you called her slimy cheater of a husband out on his behavior towards you.....you did right?

 

And I would call the second man a serial cheater, just as it sounds like your BF's husband is.

[underwater2010]

more on my my story. I fell in a love a mm, since his life was empty and his wife cheated on him.

 

So got involved with a broken man....who decided to keep his wife after she cheated, but engaging in revenge affairs. Great man and one great choice.

 

We saw each other for 5 years and we went NC. He came back after 5 years of NC and told me couldn't forget me. However, however after sleeping with half of the town and than told me its just sex with other women and meant nothing.

 

So he broke up with you....going back to his wife again. Then he engaged in sex with half the town and its was just sex. Have you ever happened to question on of these other "holes" to figure out if it was just truly sex or if he promised more like he did you?

 

So he was with his wife because of the kids, he was sleeping casually with other women since it was just sex and with me it was love.

 

Do you really believe that?

 

I couldnt take it and questioned him and ofcourse made me mad. And than he said NC again. I was family friend so that means seeing him again...same games and feelings again and a never ending loop.

 

And the plot thickens. So being that you are a family friend....you knew his wife and children. And still you slept with him? Why?

 

This time I decided not to be BOW, but a self respecting OW calling the shots and close for good.

 

LOL....I just shot juice out of my nose. You were not cheated on....he slept with other women only after he ended the relationship with you. And when did it become self respecting to sleep with someone else husband? That whole sentence is one big contradiction.

 

I asked for an apology for disturbing my life and he said no.

 

You partook in the relationship willingly. There was no need for an apology. Hey....at least out of the women he cheated with he "loved" you.

 

I told his wife, NOT because I wanted to hurt her or their their relationship but for me. So I canve NC for good.

 

You being able to go NC for good, did not cause you to confess. You did it to get back at him. Revenge pure and simple. Which leads me to believe you know that you were not that special after you found out about all the OW he has had. But it is good that she knows now. Although I am sure she will take him back just as he took her back.

 

Why it should always be me cut off ties stay away from his family, move on feeling heart broken and he goes to his wife to work on it.

 

Because you never should have stepped into dog crap in the first place. Again as I said revenge. Now you are mad because he gets to move on and you are staying stuck in the same place. And I can tell you that his BW has exposed you and him for what you both did to the "whole" family. Therefore I would just stay away.

 

What a looser. I ended it and not only told her about me but every single affair he had. Now, go and get over my betrayel. Revenge is nver good but choice he left for me.

 

No see....you could have told her because you felt bad for screwing her husband. Or you could have told her because you know the whole town is talking behind her back. But you chose to tell her because he pissed you off. He wiped he hands of you because you wanted more than he was willing to give. There were plenty of choices...hell you could have just slinked off into the night and let them play their little game.

 

He repeated the whole past and destroyed everything. I had successfully left the past behind. Why did I fall for what he said, cauz I loved him.

 

I know I shouldnt have told his wife but hey, I need to think about myself once...too. its not all about him and his family, who he constantly cheats on.

 

You both being in the affair is selfish and only thinking of yourselves. When are you going to be willing to look outside and think of others?

 

 

Thank you for elaborating on your situation. I should have read further first.

[nicepuzzle]

Honesty and integrity is part of the personality.

 

 

So, you do not see yourself as a cheater even though you were with a MM? Being an accomplice makes you as culpable as the cheater, you a part of it even if you tell yourself differently. So if honesty and integrity are part of the personality-how do you square that with your actions-how are you different than the MM?

 

Because I was just a good persin who believed a player and genuily fell in love of wharever conditions he told me he was. BS think of OW that they want to be involved with MM, they refuse to recognize that it was their men who try hard and make the whole approach. You are saying no matter what MM do ir say we should close ourselves in locks. Its like in some countries, raped women are at fault since they dressed up provocately and didnt hide themselves in hijabs. MM refuse to bekieve that the men they fell in love are bored and looking out constantly and yes there are dome naive women who might belueve their stories. Poor victims.

[nicepuzzle]

Thank you for elaborating on your situation. I should have read further first.

 

U r right on somethings but not all. AND I never wanted more from him. Why would I ever want to be in his wife shoes....sometimes I think I idolized him and live hated him to get back at him. But he actually fell in love with. Why else after 5 years NC he he would be back. If he left everything for me I still wouldn't wanna be with such a man. If I wanted him I would have continued seeing him behind his wife back. Remember, I called the shots. AND I knew I was special and he told me that but that wasnt enough for me. I think I am not capable of being an understanding OW. Now the messy couple will have wonderful life working on their their relationship. As for me, I truly moved on this time and he isnt live of life any more.

[nicepuzzle]

Notice how we are giving our examples and it is turned around to fit your story.

 

It is sad that you BF was treated this way and I hope that you called her slimy cheater of a husband out on his behavior towards you.....you did right?

 

And I would call the second man a serial cheater, just as it sounds like your BF's husband is.

 

Thats exactly right. As u see here I am not OW who like MM. I just got into one time horrible situation , unlike serial cheater's side hobby.

[Owl]

So if the OW/OM "believe their stories" and are somehow poor victims...why are the BW who also "believe their stories" somehow MORE foolish/responsible/whatever?

 

I don't get it.

 

I'll also add...a marriage CAN recover from infidelity, if both partners truly put for the effort and time to rebuild the relationship. It doesn't always happen...in fact, I'd say it's more likely to fail than to recover...but it CAN happen.

[nicepuzzle]

Honesty and integrity is part of the personality.

 

 

So, you do not see yourself as a cheater even though you were with a MM? Being an accomplice makes you as culpable as the cheater, you a part of it even if you tell yourself differently. So if honesty and integrity are part of the personality-how do you square that with your actions-how are you different than the MM?

 

Not at all. I feel I was used and abused by a professional player. I am the one who said no, despite of all the perks he offered at work. I was just a naive woman he took advantage of.

[nicepuzzle]

Thank you for elaborating on your situation. I should have read further first.

 

Oh no, apart from him and his wife noone else cut ties. Everyone else know who they both are .

[underwater2010]

Not at all. I feel I was used and abused by a professional player. I am the one who said no, despite of all the perks he offered at work. I was just a naive woman he took advantage of.

You are not innocent in all this. You KNEW he was MARRIED and yet carried on with him for 5 YEARS. The only time you got your panties in a wad is when you found out you were not special and that he slept with most of the town.

 

You are not naïve and if you continue to portray yourself that way mentally you will find yourself in the same position over and over again.

 

They will figure out there marriage and issues and you should figure out your own issue.

[jlola]

U r right on somethings but not all. AND I never wanted more from him. Why would I ever want to be in his wife shoes....sometimes I think I idolized him and live hated him to get back at him. But he actually fell in love with. Why else after 5 years NC he he would be back. If he left everything for me I still wouldn't wanna be with such a man. If I wanted him I would have continued seeing him behind his wife back. Remember, I called the shots. AND I knew I was special and he told me that but that wasnt enough for me. I think I am not capable of being an understanding OW. Now the messy couple will have wonderful life working on their their relationship. As for me, I truly moved on this time and he isnt live of life any more.

 

This man does not know what love is. he may say the right words,but he has no clue. Society has a sick view of love. Longing,drama,manipulation,roller coaster,push away-pull(begging back). When you are unaware,you think these feelings are about love. But they are not. They are toxic feelings. Nothing to do with love.

[Spark1111]

You need to take responsibility for your role in this, otherwise you open yourself up to be played again and again. Why do you think you were able to be manipulated in that way and what could you do to make sure you are not in the future?

 

This! if you keep believing you had NO choice in his months of pursuit and poor me stories, what makes you believe you will be stronger when another predator sniffs your vulnerabilities from a mile away?

 

At every step of his pursuit, you too could have said, no, right?

 

Your quest now is to dig really deep and find out why you did not. he may be back in his marriage and pursuing other lonely vulnerable women.

 

Not your concern anymore.

 

You need to be concerned with YOU and strengthening your boundaries to men behaving badly.

[krazikat]

Some MM work on women heart to make them feel sorry before getting physical. love makes people in haze and brain doesnt work.

 

Which brings us back to the fact that you were in fact flattered by his attention. You knew he was married, yet CHOSE to engage in the affair, CHOSE to continue for years while he remained married, CHOSE to then play victim when all was said and done when you knew the fact all along.

 

I am not saying this to be cruel or bitter, but girl you have to own your choices. No one made you participate in an affair. No matter what he said or how he pursued if you had appropriate boundries this would not have happened. Period point blank. So what you meed to do is figure out why you were open to be an ow. If you dont face this reality, if you dont own your actions, if you dont stop telling yourself you were a poor victim, then girl you will not learn from this situation.

 

It is sad, and I do hate that this heartbreak happens. For all sides of the triangle. But you have to face the fact that you chose to do this, so why? And saying it was because of love is not the correct or true answer...look deeper than that...why would you allow yourself to have feelings towards this man? And how can you prevent it from happening again?

[nicepuzzle]

See bolded.

 

YOu are a strong woman and kudos to you. If I was in your shoes I will probably do the same. How did her BS respond? Are they still together?

[nicepuzzle]

This! if you keep believing you had NO choice in his months of pursuit and poor me stories, what makes you believe you will be stronger when another predator sniffs your vulnerabilities from a mile away?

 

At every step of his pursuit, you too could have said, no, right?

 

Your quest now is to dig really deep and find out why you did not. he may be back in his marriage and pursuing other lonely vulnerable women.

 

Not your concern anymore.

 

You need to be concerned with YOU and strengthening your boundaries to men behaving badly.

 

During years of persuit I saw a lonely man behind his womanizer ways. He made me close to his family and I saw what a disfunctional family it was and he was bearing all that for the kids and he told me when of the kids was not even his own, which I verified by his family members and they were suspicious about the same. He came across to me a man so nice who didnt want to break his family because of the kids and was sacrificing. I saw myself that wife was a trashy manipulator and using him as a trophy and money. I felt very sad for him and kind of understood why he was womanizing. He also said it gave me peace to be with me and we were totally NON physical but at the same time he wanted to sleep with me which I refused over and over again and did only twice all the way in all those years. When he came back in my life after many years of NC I thought he was right and was in truly in love with me. While staying NC i still maintained a wonderful relationship with his family where I saw him once in a while and I absolutely had no desire to start the whole thing again.

 

My fault:

1. being alone in the city with no family friends

2. Worked for him and couldnt leave since my work papers relied on his company and he was in power of firing me in a second

3. Only family I had was his family who reated me like their own daughter

4. May be I had low esteem since I believed all his stories without questioning and cried for his poor situation

[nicepuzzle]

Which brings us back to the fact that you were in fact flattered by his attention. You knew he was married, yet CHOSE to engage in the affair, CHOSE to continue for years while he remained married, CHOSE to then play victim when all was said and done when you knew the fact all along.

 

I am not saying this to be cruel or bitter, but girl you have to own your choices. No one made you participate in an affair. No matter what he said or how he pursued if you had appropriate boundries this would not have happened. Period point blank. So what you meed to do is figure out why you were open to be an ow. If you dont face this reality, if you dont own your actions, if you dont stop telling yourself you were a poor victim, then girl you will not learn from this situation.

 

It is sad, and I do hate that this heartbreak happens. For all sides of the triangle. But you have to face the fact that you chose to do this, so why? And saying it was because of love is not the correct or true answer...look deeper than that...why would you allow yourself to have feelings towards this man? And how can you prevent it from happening again?

 

I told my facts to Spark. I do get hit on by married man but it has never repeated again or neighter will, ssince I know better now . I didnt make a choice to be a MM. Some MM are just too smart to make women emotional and that makes them ez to exploit them.

[nicepuzzle]

If I didnt expose him to his wife, I will see him again and who knows he will manipulate again and than being a predator he would have kept fishing for other women like him.

 

So second time I didnt walk away quietly. YOu can call it revenge I call it closure for good for all parties. Its time for them to look at their basic problems and figure out.

 

Also a man like him is too selfish to know what other people feel unless he is hit himself. Now he will cry over being betrayed and hurt like I was. If his wife was innocent I wouldnt tell her but she herself is not clean, she had her own fun when she was young. They are made of each other. He wanted me to be in his life regardless physical or not and I refused to be his friend by doing this. It will be a constant reminder to him who he messed up with and this time it wont be me feeling horrible for being dumped and finding ways to move on. He will do it...

[Owl]

During years of persuit I saw a lonely man behind his womanizer ways. He made me close to his family and I saw what a disfunctional family it was and he was bearing all that for the kids and he told me when of the kids was not even his own, which I verified by his family members and they were suspicious about the same. He came across to me a man so nice who didnt want to break his family because of the kids and was sacrificing. I saw myself that wife was a trashy manipulator and using him as a trophy and money. I felt very sad for him and kind of understood why he was womanizing. He also said it gave me peace to be with me and we were totally NON physical but at the same time he wanted to sleep with me which I refused over and over again and did only twice all the way in all those years. When he came back in my life after many years of NC I thought he was right and was in truly in love with me. While staying NC i still maintained a wonderful relationship with his family where I saw him once in a while and I absolutely had no desire to start the whole thing again.

 

My fault:

1. being alone in the city with no family friends

2. Worked for him and couldnt leave since my work papers relied on his company and he was in power of firing me in a second

3. Only family I had was his family who reated me like their own daughter

4. May be I had low esteem since I believed all his stories without questioning and cried for his poor situation

 

You saw what you wanted to see....and what he wanted you to see. It led to exactly what he wanted it to lead to...nothing more, nothing less.