A pleasant suprise or a manipulative trick?

[Cabras]

I would like to send a friendly Christmas card to my ex. We will be about 2 months apart by then. Here's the catch. I don't have her current address and she won't even be in town for Christmas week, she'll be at her parent's house.

 

I have a couple of options.

 

1) I have e-mailed her parents a few times during our relationship and from everything I have seen and been told they really like me. We spent a week with them this summer. They thought we were going to get married. I was planning to send them an e-mail telling them how much I appreciated how wonderfully the treated me (they really did. it was overwhelming) and just letting them know that I still do care about their daughter and would like to send her a card for Christmas.

 

2) Give the card to a mutual friend. She'll get it about a week before Christmas. This is not my favorite option.

 

3) Call her and ask if I can send her a card. I REALLY don't want to call her.

 

4) Just send her a text msg.

 

5) Keep up the No Contact and let her wonder why I didn't call her or anything.

 

I know from her friend that she wants me to do things like send a card or message. She got mad I didn't call or anything on Thanksgiving. Would a suprise card on Christmas touch her heart or would she see my going though her parents as a cheap trick?

[SexiiPinkLadii]

I don't see this as being manipulative. She was upset that she didn't hear from you on Thanksgiving..that shows she still cares. Send her a card!!!!

[kit4kat]

Send her the card!!! I'd email the parents and do all those things that you said. Can't go wrong with that option if the parents loved you.

[Cabras]

Well I'm sending the e-mail on Monday.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I'll let you know what their reply is...

[Cabras]

Well, I sent the e-mail. I didn't get a reply from her parents, but my ex did e-mail me her address this morning and asked me to send the card to her. She also asked me how I was and if I had moved into my new apartment yet. Based on everything else I have heard I am guessing she isn't going to her parents for Christmas now. Oh well... I guess I just send the card.

[Universe]

Well - it's not a surprise anymore. But definitely send the card. Are you trying to get her back? Just curious.

[alphamale]

Dear Cabras:

 

If she broke up with you, then you send nothing! (this is very impt)

 

If you broke up with her, then it is ok to send her a card with some nice words in it.

[Cabras]

Well, I WAS hoping to get her back. I found out 5 minutes after sending that email to her parents that it is no longer a time for her to be single and not with a boyfriend. She is involved with someone else. Now a big part of me doesn't want to send the card. I haven't responded to her email. I know that sending a plain card with no lovie dovey message doesn't carry the same "I'm over you" weight that a empty mailbox does, but at this point I am hoping for something in between. Heck, I was looking forward to sending her parents a card as much as her. They are wonderful people.

 

I will make her a deal. E-mail me or call me again before Christmas and you get a card. I feel like I caused this contact by getting in touch with her parents so it doesn't count. Heck I'll even buy the card, but I'm not counting on it.

 

As stupid as I feel for admitting it, I am still in love with a girl who is involved with someone else. The only way I am keeping my dignity here is by not letting her know it.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Cabras

I will make her a deal. E-mail me or call me again before Christmas and you get a card.

 

 

Dear Cabras:

You are in NO position whatsoever to make any DEALS here. If you do the above you'll look desperate and pathetic and what little chance you have of getting her back will fly out the window.

 

She has totally dissed you and you will reward her with a nice card or email??? Think about this for a minute or two here.

 

Institute NC immediately and don't look back.

[whichwayisup]

If she broke up with you, then you send nothing! (this is very impt)

 

If you broke up with her, then it is ok to send her a card with some nice words in it.

 

EXACTLY!!!

 

The only way I am keeping my dignity here is by not letting her know it.

 

So please don't contact her. Let the silence speak for itself. She's moved on and you honestly may not be in her head as much as she is in yours. I know that probl. hurts to hear, but it's time. Grieve the loss, spend time with friends, keep busy...Time will heal all this.

 

Take care.

[Cabras]

I have decided not to send her a card. After finding out she is with someone else it doesn't feel right. It will be a bit strange if she sends me one, but I doubt she will. She doesn't even have my new address.

[johan]

It doesn't matter one bit what kind of message you might be sending if you do send a card. And it doesn't matter what message you'd be sending by not sending one. And it makes no difference whether she sends you a card. It's time to start moving on. She's your ex and that's a choice at least one of you made. It doesn't matter whether it was 2 months, 2 years, or 2 minutes ago. Now you have to respect that choice and respect yourself by dropping all the analysis and concerns. You need to find a way to consign her to your past as quickly as possible so you can heal up. Sending cards and keeping in touch with her parents keeps her a part of your present and delays the healing process. Hang in there.

[Cabras]

Thanks for the concern and straight forward messages.

 

I wish I could just cut her off and be done with it. I have never dealt quickly with losses, relationships or other things in life. The big thing for me has been trying to maintain that outward appearance that I am moving on.

[Owl]

Hmmm...so you asked for the address because you wanted to send a card because you WERE hoping to get back together...so it sounds to me like it was a manipulative trick that backfired.

[theone44]

Originally posted by Cabras

I would like to send a friendly Christmas card to my ex. We will be about 2 months apart by then. Here's the catch. I don't have her current address and she won't even be in town for Christmas week, she'll be at her parent's house.

 

I have a couple of options.

 

1) I have e-mailed her parents a few times during our relationship and from everything I have seen and been told they really like me. We spent a week with them this summer. They thought we were going to get married. I was planning to send them an e-mail telling them how much I appreciated how wonderfully the treated me (they really did. it was overwhelming) and just letting them know that I still do care about their daughter and would like to send her a card for Christmas.

 

2) Give the card to a mutual friend. She'll get it about a week before Christmas. This is not my favorite option.

 

3) Call her and ask if I can send her a card. I REALLY don't want to call her.

 

4) Just send her a text msg.

 

5) Keep up the No Contact and let her wonder why I didn't call her or anything.

 

I know from her friend that she wants me to do things like send a card or message. She got mad I didn't call or anything on Thanksgiving. Would a suprise card on Christmas touch her heart or would she see my going though her parents as a cheap trick?

 

 

 

 

If you send that card it will make you the biggest fool on earth. Who dump who.

[hckyplayer12]

Im in the same boat myself...my great friend and I for 3 years got attached over the summer...weve decided to just be friends and i agreed cause thats all we are, friends that love each other deeply. I ended up still being attached and needed space, didnt tell her, and i went a week w/o contact and she got very very angry and didnt want to talk to me...after about a month went by i tried to talk to her she said she doesnt want too, she didnt know what was going on in my head.

 

We finally spoke and she said she understands i needed space and shes upset and mad i didnt tell her and went about my buisness w/o telling her. she said you needed space and that now she needs hers, she needed a "vacation" ... a break from everything

 

her sister told me stay strong she is hard to get threw too, and i know this, she said just give her time but keep in contact w/ her, let her know u still think about her...

 

on christmas it will be a week of no contact since we both spoke and agreed on the break, but we have no spoke for about a month prior

 

i want to tell her merry xmas .... i want to buy her a card and go to a great friend merry xmas love, me and perhaps a rose to show how sorry i am...

 

what do you think

[strange love]

Okie

Mr cabras

 

I been checking your posts ever since I first discovered this site.

I would say ... look dont get your hopes up but it just seems something fishy about your ex being upset about the card thing.

 

I think you should keep in contact with her.. or maybe not.. let me think please

I mean im looking at it from this point of view

 

1. she seems to like the attention from you

2. seems upset that she didnt get a thanksgiving card from you... hmm

 

3. I smell fish damn wish i didnt eat already

 

Ok disregard that she is dating someone.. that doenst mean you cant get her back still

 

Ok heres my plan.. But look you have to follow it and dont question

 

Ok card not bad idea... you need to make it some way, that she has to pick it up from you.

 

Heres another thing you not concentrate on this as much.. do other things be aloof somewhat.

 

I would just be like ya ok I did get you a card but man im so busy I forgot to mail how bout you come by and pick it up maybe we can grab coffee oh damn pretty busy this week.. maybe friday could work.. hmm

 

Anyways dont fret just yet all is not lost.. keep in touch with her but let her call and play a bit.. I can already tell that you did a couple things that kind of got her thinking we just need to work on your plays a bit.

 

so if you havent sent that card just wait

 

talk soon

strangelove.

[Cabras]

So I did send the card. Didn't hear ANYTHING again until Christmas night. She called and said she missed me a lot and doesn't feel complete without me. She poured her heart out to me. I tried to play it cool, but she realizes that I am well aware that I messed up.

 

Now I am waiting again. Last night I could tell she was a little stressed out talking to me. I didn't mention anything about "us" at all, but it is right there in our heads when we are talking.

 

She wants to "hang out" and I am afraid that it will be just enough for her to push me away again.

[Universe]

It's totally up to you. How do you feel? Can you be comfortable around her and not bring up the relationship? Can you exude genuine strength and confidence? Do you feel strong right now? Do you feel jealous of her new man? Can you keep those feelings under control?

 

If you need more time, take it now. You may need it regardless of whether or not she's ready to hang out with you. But you may not.

 

If you think you're strong enough to handle being pushed away again, then hang out with her. But you can't give up on your strength midstream. You have to be a rock of strength the whole time you are with her...but a comfortable rock. Cool, calm, casual, comfortable! All of that with genuine strength underneath.

 

I don't think she wants to "push you a way." But she may well need more time apart and with other people. You need to get used to this time apart idea and use it to your advantage. If you are improving yourself and your own situation in the meantime, it will be easier to handle being alone and therefore not a tragedy if she pushes you away again. If she pushes you away, let her. Don't fight it. Be graceful. Be understanding. Be a man! Don't talk about your feelings for her or about the past.

 

Don't call or hang out with her until she calls you and sets up a time to hang out. Don't just do whatever she wants unless it's also what you want. You make your own decisions. Those decisions will determine how you feel. Your heart is in your own hands, not hers. All you can do is offer it to her and she can take it or leave it. But don't try to cram it down her throat. In fact, don't even offer it to her openly. You are already offering it to her just by hanging out with her. You need not say any more on the topic. The fact that you're still willing to see her says enough about what your heart wants. When she sees that you can be cool about it, and a real man about it, she will be impressed. But don't think that just because she's impressed she'll come running back. But impressing her is the best you can hope for if you're trying to get her back.

 

good luck.

[strange love]

I have decided that im bringing a guest poster just like Savage love is doing in his column, so you will get my opinion and hers 2 for the price of one , well alright!

 

 

SHE SAID

Seared (female guest poster)

 

Hi Cabras,

 

First I wonder how old you are?? OK, love sucks and you have to take a chance if you don't you'll never get burned or find the person you are looking for. From what I can tell of the girls now a days is that they are tired of the Mr. Sensitive pony tail boys, well the Spice Girls made sure of it when they created a generation of little bitches, hell I'm more afraid of the chicks now, then the guys, like I said enough pansy boys out there already. See ya!

 

HE SAID

 

Time to take your man pill buddy.( Available over the counter at most pharmacies).

I think the thing that kills me the most is that you totally have her and you dont even realize it. You have even defied the rules of the game, and had it work for you. Im kind of curious why you feel so insecure about her?

It look slike you have even managed to get her back from some other guy wow

you totally scored a BIG GOAL here man... take a minute and enjoy your truimph.

Keep me posted.. and dont be so wimpy..i

[Cabras]

OK. I knew something was wrong after talking to her two nights ago. She called last night and basically said she just isn't ready yet. She doesn't want to get back together just because she is afraid of being alone. Blah, Blah, Blah... I have gotten caught up by her twice now. How many times have I read this same stuff from other people on this site.

 

I guess the good news is that I don't even want to talk to her right now. The last thing I really want to hear from her is how much she misses me or any of that crap again. I have a feeling she will be calling again soon. It is usually about a week before she wants to get my hopes up again, probably New Year's Eve or the day after.

 

I do want to get back together with her, but I am just sick of this back and forth stuff. Lots of people have suggested making myself less available to her. That should help. She has to know at this point I am growing very wary of her feelings.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Cabras

OK. I knew something was wrong after talking to her two nights ago. She called last night and basically said she just isn't ready yet.

 

Lots of people have suggested making myself less available to her. That should help. She has to know at this point I am growing very wary of her feelings.

 

Dude, I already TOLD you what to do and you screwed it up. She is playing you like a fiddle and using you for emotional support and some sort of play toy.

 

Why are you still talkin' with her when she is treating you like krap?

[Universe]

Make yourself less available. Do not initiate any contact with her. But don't openly avoid her. That will come off as needy. Just be calm, cool, and somewhat aloof. When she calls to tell you she misses you and all these things, let her. But try not to let it get to that point. When she calls, she probably makes small talk first, right? So be busy and find a reason to hang up before she brings up her feelings. But if you're confident and funny, she probably won' feel the need to tell you all these things. You just have to take things in stride. Don't let anything she says about her feelings for you affect you too much.

Yes - she cares about you.

Yes - she misses you.

No - she doesn't want to hurt you.

 

This doesn't mean you should be together and it certainly doesn't give her the right to misguide you. So don't. Sit back, and let things unfold. Work on yourself. Be the person that you want to be on your own.

 

Be sensitive to her needs. But be sensitive to your own needs. If she hurts you everytime she talks to you, then you need to minimize how often she talks to you. She obviously has issues to work through. Let her. She knows how you feel and doesn't want to let you go. But she knows you won't wait around forever. She says she isn't ready yet. Maybe it's time for you to think really hard about what it would mean to be back together with her and decide whether or not you're ready yet.

 

When she sees that you're getting on with your life with strength and confidence, she'll either get ready real quick or realize that she doesn't really want to be with you. You'll be better off regardless of what decision she makes.

[Cabras]

It's not hard for me to admit that she knows how to get me to open up. It will help me when she tries to do this again.

 

The first time she tried to talk about us a few weeks ago I managed to get off the phone. When she called on the day her dad had a heart attack I thought we would just talk about that. When she started asking about us I told her I was tired and was going to bed. She begged me to stay on the phone. OK, I fell for it. I should have known better when she said things like. "This doesn't mean we are getting back together, but... "

 

On Christmas when she starts talking about us I told her I didn't want a repeat of the other night. She says it's not. I was still very doubtful and had she said the same kind of stuff I would have just listened and figured it would turn out the same way. She poured it on though, enough that I was actually convinced that we were at least going to give it a try. When I tried to go she pulled the begging me to stay on the phone thing again.

 

What does this mean for me? Well, if she meant any of the stuff she told me on Christmas there will probably be another call soon. I shouldn't answer the phone.

 

I have gone through this twice with her. At this point I am very frustarted with her and if she tries pulling the "let's talk about us" thing again I won't buy it. If she begs me to stay on the phone I just have to tell her I need time to think about things.

 

How will I know she is really serious about getting back together?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Cabras

How will I know she is really serious about getting back together?

 

You will know she is serious after you don't talk with her or see her for three or four months and she says she wants to get together again.

 

But if you keep on talking with her regularly you will never know will you....and she'll keep playing mind games with you.