A pleasant suprise or a manipulative trick?

[Cabras]

True. That would show she was serious.

 

I was hoping for a breakthrough in the next month. I'm not sure I would want to wait that long if she came back saying she was truly ready to give us another try.

 

Maybe that just means I am not cut out for the no contact thing and we have no chance, but 3 or 4 months seems like longer than we will be able to make it without both going in different diections.

[_Saffy_]

i think thats what alpha was trying to say.......if after 3-4 months, you have both developed as people, and find that you still want each other then its worked

 

if after 3-4 months you have both moved on, and found that you no longer need the other person, ie you have realised you are better without them, or have met someone else then clearly it wasnt meant to be.

[theone44]

Originally posted by Cabras

True. That would show she was serious.

 

I was hoping for a breakthrough in the next month. I'm not sure I would want to wait that long if she came back saying she was truly ready to give us another try.

 

Maybe that just means I am not cut out for the no contact thing and we have no chance, but 3 or 4 months seems like long acter than we will be able to make it without both going in different diections.

 

 

Man get some back-bone and stop acting wimpy. Are u a man or a mouse.....

[Universe]

Did you say her dad had a heart attack recently? That's got to be a pretty big issue for her. How long ago was that and did he live? Because that would be super serious for her which means you should be more supportive than one normally should be in your situation.

 

 

OK - I'm a little confused about what it is she says to you when you're on the phone and she opens up. The way you describe it, it sounds like she gives you every indication that she wants you back and then says I don't want you back. Is that a fair assessment?

 

I don't really understand why it hurts you so much for her to tell you how she feels. I can see that her telling you that she doesn't want to get back together yet would hurt you. But once that is said, why should anything else she say really affect you unless it's an attack or criticism of your person?

 

She's definitely got some issues that she's having trouble with. She seems to want you to help her in some way. If you really love her, you'll get over this whole "back together - not back together" issue and work on what are obviously the issues that are keeping that decision from being made. But you can't help her with her issues unless you are comfortable with you own issues.

 

Perhaps the Alphamale route is best here. It's hard to say. I don't know what she's telling you that seems to be confusing you so much. I also don't know what's so magical about 4 months. You do NC for as long as it takes. It can work after as little as month or even as long as a year. It all depends on how you feel and what your instincts tell you.

[Cabras]

Luckily, after a fews days of tests, the heart attack turned out to be a seperate health issue, not minor one, but he is OK. It has been a couple of weeks.

 

When we are on the phone it always starts out with just casual conversation like you guessed before. By the end of the conversation she is asking and talking about-

 

What it will take for us to make it work this time

Why we should get back together

What our friends will think about us getting back together

How we can trust each other again

What we miss about being together

How to go about seeing each other again

Why we are "right" for each other

 

I am trying very hard to be strong around her. I enjoy being able to post my worries here. I certainly don't want to admit just how worried I really am to her or any of our friends. When it comes down to it I just really miss her quite a bit. If missing someone like I miss her means I have no backbone, than all I can do is try to stand taller and face this.

 

Maybe it just took getting my hopes up a couple of times to finally get me to be less available.

 

Thanks all for replying.

[Universe]

What it will take for us to make it work this time

Why we should get back together

What our friends will think about us getting back together

How we can trust each other again

What we miss about being together

How to go about seeing each other again

Why we are "right" for each other

 

This is what she asks?

 

If this is what she's asking then she's saying she wants to get back together, but not until this questions are resolved.

 

"What our friends will think about us getting back toghether"

are you serious? Why would either of you care about what people will think about you getting back together?

 

OK - so basically, she's talking about all these things and then saying, "no - I'm not ready yet."

 

She probably isn't accepting your responses to these questions or needs to think about them. She wants you to give more thought to them.

 

I don't think she's trying to play with your heart. She wants to get back together but is confused. You need to help her to not be confused.

 

The problem is that you're confused. So you need to take time and get unconfused. If she calls, and you're still confused, tell her so. Tell her that you're confused and you need some time to think. You can't be applying pressure to the situation. Just let it flow.

 

aight

aight

[Cabras]

Thank you so much for the encouragement.

 

It is much easier for me to relax when I have a posiitive outlook on things.

 

The fact that she cares so much about what her friends think bothered me too.

 

Her main concern is that her friends think she was brave to make this decision and that her decision to try again will make her seem weak. I don't agree, but I understand. She does care a lot about what people think about her.

 

I asked a friend of mine that doesn't know my ex about it and she said she had similar feelings when she reconciled with her ex boyfriend. She said she was afraid her friends would think less of her and afraid that the ones who discouraged her from doing it were right.

 

If she makes the decision that she is ready to give us another chance I think she can get over that part of it. Good friends support you even if they don't understand what you are doing.

[_Saffy_]

if these are the things shes asking, then she definitely wants you back.....and i think by making excuses and leaving all this dangling you are taking the no contact thing too far.

 

shes coming to you asking these questions, looking for reassurance, and you are still pushing her away.

 

i say next time it happens, and make sure its when she comes to you, arrange to have lunch, and go talk to her about it, face to face.....and i mean really talk, be open, reassure her (she needs it), and let her reassure you......you need it to.

 

 

and any friends that tell her that its wrong for her or you, arent friends at all.......because REAL friends are there for you through thick and thin, and will respect whatever decision you choose to make.

 

 

but whatever you do, open up a little, shes looking for your input.

[Cabras]

I think that giving us some space apart will help. She just can't seem to make up her mind. She sent me a text message at 11:30 last night. She must have been pretty tossed because it didn't even make sense. I didn't reply back at all, but it was tempting.

 

This is 4 nights in a row she has contacted me. I don't think we had talked 4 times in the last month before this.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Cabras

I think that giving us some space apart will help. She just can't seem to make up her mind. She sent me a text message at 11:30 last night. She must have been pretty tossed because it didn't even make sense. I didn't reply back at all, but it was tempting.

 

This is 4 nights in a row she has contacted me. I don't think we had talked 4 times in the last month before this.

 

there is no law on the book that i know of that requires you to respond or reply to her in any way. just don't respond! let her miss you for a month or two or three. how will she get to miss you if you talk everyday??