Telling her she has acted disrespectfully

[aybc123]

Cant be bothered to type out my story again but 2.5yr relationship ended, eventually turned into a bit of a messy breakup when she started dating a new guy shortly after, after i told her i still had feelings for her she began ignoring my texts/calls. I didn't blow up her phone with messages etc and as soon as i realised she was ignoring me stopped trying. This was about 6 weeks ago, i've sent 2 texts in the meantime asking why she suddenly hated me/ was ignoring me that it was upsetting me and apologising for how i acted (blocking and deleting her from places and overreacting), the last of which was on oct 10th.

 

I've come a long way since early september, and though i still have bad days most of the upset now comes not from losing her/ actually being ignored but just from the fact that she acted so disrespectfully by ignoring me and that I just took it because I was hurting.

 

I feel like I want to tell her how disrespecting me by ignoring me was hurtful and immature and that whatever her reasons are i didn't deserve to be treated that way and that i'm not ok with it. I don't expect it to get a response but the more normal I feel again as my self respect comes back the less I want my last contact with her before i go NC for good is to be letting her think i'm a doormat that she can treat any way she wants. This way it should be clear that i'm walking away because of how she acted and not just giving up to sit in the corner and cry about it.

 

I wouldn't make the text/email long or harsh/aggressive at all, and would probably make it clear i didn't expect a response anymore but just to calmly tell her that although i may not have acted particularly well what she did was not cool.

 

Opinions?

[Simon Phoenix]

Bad idea jeans. If you want to write it for your own peace of mind, fine, but don't send it.

[aybc123]

You think? I just really hate thinking that she thinks she can treat me however she wants and Ill just apologise and say im upset some more which is how i left it. Plus she really has acted badly and people do need to be told when they do or they just continue doing it. Here's what I was thinking:

 

"I do not expect a reply to this but now that i've had some time to process I wanted to tell you that how you have acted by ignoring me is disrespectful and not acceptable. Whatever your rationalisation for it is and despite my overreaction and poor behaviour at the time - which I have since apologised for - I deserved to be treated with some compassion and respect, both as someone with a shared history with you who always tried to help and support you when you yourself were feeling bad and would never have done anything to intentionally hurt you as you have me and, frankly, just as a human being. I wish you all the best, but I really hope if you're in this situation again in the future that you'll treat that person better. Take care."

 

I'd just send it to her work email or something.

[Simon Phoenix]

You think? I just really hate thinking that she thinks she can treat me however she wants and Ill just apologise and say im upset some more which is how i left it. Plus she really has acted badly and people do need to be told when they do or they just continue doing it. Here's what I was thinking:

 

"I do not expect a reply to this but now that i've had some time to process I wanted to tell you that how you have acted by ignoring me is disrespectful and not acceptable. Whatever your rationalisation for it is and despite my overreaction and poor behaviour at the time - which I have since apologised for - I deserved to be treated with some compassion and respect, both as someone with a shared history with you who always tried to help and support you when you yourself were feeling bad and would never have done anything to intentionally hurt you as you have me and, frankly, just as a human being. I wish you all the best, but I really hope if you're in this situation again in the future that you'll treat that person better. Take care."

 

I'd just send it to her work email or something.

 

No, she doesn't care. Nothing you say will have any effect on her or make her regret treating you like that (even though she is doing a favor by ignoring you instead of giving you false hope). If anything, sending any sort of message like that will give her justification in her mind for treating you like that because she'll see you as an immature, clingy, overemotional jerk. Not saying you are, but that's how you'll come off.

 

If you want her to regret it, the best way to do that is to say nothing to her at all. Let her own inner thoughts do their work -- they'd be a hell of a lot more effective than any message you send.

[Brown-Eyez]

You think? I just really hate thinking that she thinks she can treat me however she wants and Ill just apologise and say im upset some more which is how i left it. Plus she really has acted badly and people do need to be told when they do or they just continue doing it. Here's what I was thinking:

 

"I do not expect a reply to this but now that i've had some time to process I wanted to tell you that how you have acted by ignoring me is disrespectful and not acceptable. Whatever your rationalisation for it is and despite my overreaction and poor behaviour at the time - which I have since apologised for - I deserved to be treated with some compassion and respect, both as someone with a shared history with you who always tried to help and support you when you yourself were feeling bad and would never have done anything to intentionally hurt you as you have me and, frankly, just as a human being. I wish you all the best, but I really hope if you're in this situation again in the future that you'll treat that person better. Take care."

 

I'd just send it to her work email or something.

 

 

i"ve sent this type of message before and the only benefit was I felt good about standing up for myself

 

he just ignored it (and yeah probably thought I was just being 'emotional')

 

so do it for yourself ONLY if you really have to

 

she won't care

[aybc123]

No, she doesn't care. Nothing you say will have any effect on her or make her regret treating you like that (even though she is doing a favor by ignoring you instead of giving you false hope). If anything, sending any sort of message like that will give her justification in her mind for treating you like that because she'll see you as an immature, clingy, overemotional jerk. Not saying you are, but that's how you'll come off.

 

If you want her to regret it, the best way to do that is to say nothing to her at all. Let her own inner thoughts do their work -- they'd be a hell of a lot more effective than any message you send.

 

I guess you're right, i suppose people dont like being blamed for stuff either. I also always forget that the other person isn't in the same mindset you are, If shes in the honeymoon phase with this new guy then i guess anything I say right now even if its not clingy at all is just going to come across as clingy and annoying.

 

I suppose I was just looking for a way to undo my acting emotionally before and get rid of some of the anger i'm feeling.

 

I'm right in thinking it's completely ok to tell her something like this if she ever does try to reconnect though right?

[aybc123]

How is telling her what a crap person she is going to accomplish anything?

 

"Gee, thanks. I've seen the error of my ways. I'll try to do better next time."

 

You know what I've done when guys who dumped me/guys I've dumped have tried that? Showed my friends, laughed about it, and then deleted/binned it.

 

Because it's standing up for myself rather than letting her treat me like **** and get away with it? By your logic noone should ever tell anyone they've done something wrong because they wont care, which isn't even nearly true.

 

These are guys who you spent 2-3 years in a relationship with? If so it just tells me what kind of person you are so not really relevant, i've never done anything like that when exes (including this ex when i broke up with her a year ago) have sent me clingy/ angry texts etc.

[Simon Phoenix]

I guess you're right, i suppose people dont like being blamed for stuff either. I also always forget that the other person isn't in the same mindset you are, If shes in the honeymoon phase with this new guy then i guess anything I say right now even if its not clingy at all is just going to come across as clingy and annoying.

 

I suppose I was just looking for a way to undo my acting emotionally before and get rid of some of the anger i'm feeling.

 

I'm right in thinking it's completely ok to tell her something like this if she ever does try to reconnect though right?

 

If she tries to reconnect, she'll probably be going out of her way to apologize for it. I mean, I've had ex-girlfriends try to get me in trouble at work before (we were co-workers, long story). Instead of doing what you wanted to do (which I would have been completely justified in doing, more than you are even) I didn't say a word to her for several months even though I saw her almost every day at work. Even if I needed to ask her a work question or needed to answer one, I had someone else who knew of what was going on act as go-between so I didn't speak to her. I never once lost my cool or acknowledged what she did to her.

 

Guess what happened? Three months later she quit for another job (probably because she was an emotional wreck after thinking about what she tried to do to me) and profusely, tearfully apologized for what she did and begged for my forgiveness. I forgave her (or at least I told her I did) and didn't talk to her again for another year. At that point (we ran into each other randomly) I had forgiven her and completely moved on from her and the whole situation. Not only was she happy to see me, but she was flirty as hell with me. Three months later I ran into her again and she aggressively pursued me to get back with me. Yes, a person who was so angry at me about how our relationship ended that she tried to get me in trouble at work was throwing herself at me. I eventually decided I didn't want a second go at it, but what an ego boost.

 

It's a long story, but the point is, it's best to take the high road.

[Mariposa10]

I know it hurts, but you guys broke up. What's the use of keeping in touch? She's also in a relationship. You need to respect that. I know nobody likes to be ignored, but there's nothing you can really do right now. If you do send her that text, she will ignore you even more.

[aybc123]

Thanks, I will try to stay NC, ive been posting here whenever i've been tempted to say something because it's hard to be objective. I would love if she did apologise and we could at least be cool with each other but I think the circumstances are different here. With you i guess the girl was acting out of hurt and you acted cooly from the beginning whereas i dunno worst case scenario shes acting like this because she loves a new guy and im just not relevant at all anymore, plus i wasnt exactly cool about it the first day.

 

aspiringuitarheroine - sorry for suggesting you might not be a nice person, i tried to edit my post to just say that doesnt sound like a very nice thing to do but couldnt because someone had replied, anyway I don't know you at all so not fair for me to say that.

[aybc123]

I know it hurts, but you guys broke up. What's the use of keeping in touch? She's also in a relationship. You need to respect that. I know nobody likes to be ignored, but there's nothing you can really do right now. If you do send her that text, she will ignore you even more.

 

Yeah i understand the being in a relationship thing, when this all happened it wasn't a relationship, she told me she'd been on a couple of dates with some guy but that they were just dates and it couldn't go anywhere because she'd be moving back to my town in a month or two, obviously since then it has become more, and if it had been more at the time (or maybe it was and she was trying to spare my feelings) i would've acted differently.

 

And as for why, dunno, i keep in touch with most of my exes, i think it's nice, i dont have any feelings for them anymore nor them me but it makes it easier to look back and enjoy the memories. It's also not that i even want to keep in touch, I just would like things to be cool between us.

Edited October 24, 2013 by aybc123

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks, I will try to stay NC, ive been posting here whenever i've been tempted to say something because it's hard to be objective. I would love if she did apologise and we could at least be cool with each other but I think the circumstances are different here. With you i guess the girl was acting out of hurt and you acted cooly from the beginning whereas i dunno worst case scenario shes acting like this because she loves a new guy and im just not relevant at all anymore, plus i wasnt exactly cool about it the first day.

 

aspiringuitarheroine - sorry for suggesting you might not be a nice person, i tried to edit my post to just say that doesnt sound like a very nice thing to do but couldnt because someone had replied, anyway I don't know you at all so not fair for me to say that.

 

Nope, I didn't act coolly at the beginning at all. And she actually was the one to find someone else before I did. Your situation isn't a unique snowflake. She even admitted that what she did was completely out-of-line and I had done nothing to deserve it.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah i understand the being in a relationship thing, when this all happened it wasn't a relationship, she told me she'd been on a couple of dates with some guy but that they were just dates and it couldn't go anywhere because she'd be moving back to my town in a month or two, obviously since then it has become more, and if it had been more at the time (or maybe it was and she was trying to spare my feelings) i would've acted differently.

 

And as for why, dunno, i keep in touch with most of my exes, i think it's nice, i dont have any feelings for them anymore nor them me but it makes it easier to look back and enjoy the memories. It's also not that i even want to keep in touch, I just would like things to be cool between us.

 

Most people don't keep in touch with their exes, at least in the initial stages of the breakup. Down the road they often get back in touch and it's friendly, but your ex isn't evil for wanting space from you. In fact, she's doing you a favor.

[aybc123]

Most people don't keep in touch with their exes, at least in the initial stages of the breakup. Down the road they often get back in touch and it's friendly, but your ex isn't evil for wanting space from you. In fact, she's doing you a favor.

 

Ah well in that case i'll...still not live in hope of hearing from her because it's bad for me and moving on

 

Yeah, sorry when i said keep in touch i did mean down the line after both people had been able to move on. I usually ask for space whether im the dumper or the dumpee initially, I guess doing NC before i knew what NC was. And not all exes, just the significant ones i've loved so 3, now 4 i guess :/, people ive dated for a few weeks/months or so i wouldnt object to talking to but i dont really have any desire to talk to them either.

 

I know she's not evil which is what makes it harder, i could count on one hand the number of times she said anything negative about anyone over 3 years of knowing her, and even then it was usually to please me. I just wish she could've said, 'hey i dont want this conversation im not going to reply anymore im moving on and you need to too, it doesnt mean i hate you'. Would've made the last 6 weeks a lot easier, but sometimes i think people (mostly girls) think just saying nothing is nicer than being honest and it's easier and less awkward for them too.

Edited October 24, 2013 by aybc123

[crazybestie101]

No, she doesn't care. Nothing you say will have any effect on her or make her regret treating you like that (even though she is doing a favor by ignoring you instead of giving you false hope). If anything, sending any sort of message like that will give her justification in her mind for treating you like that because she'll see you as an immature, clingy, overemotional jerk. Not saying you are, but that's how you'll come off.

 

If you want her to regret it, the best way to do that is to say nothing to her at all. Let her own inner thoughts do their work -- they'd be a hell of a lot more effective than any message you send.

 

 

Cant be agreed more.

[Ansem]

Anything you want to say just hold it in for that moment when she stops ignoring you; then let her have it.

[aybc123]

You tell them DURING the relationship. Not after it's all fallen apart. There's no point.

 

If she disrespected you, you tell her when she does it. If a guy treated me poorly, spoke to me poorly, I addressed it then - when it happened. If she was disrespectful when breaking up with you, too bad - a break up is often like that. No one ever handles it well.

 

It's too late after the fact. You just have to cop it and move on. Silence says more than your angry note ever will.

 

She never disrespected me during the relationship or breakup, I just feel like being ignored without even being told (which started about 6 weeks post breakup when i told her i still had feelings for her after telling me she'd been on a couple of dates - really dumb thing to do in hindsight) is disrespectful because it's like saying you're not even worth talking to, just wanted to clarify. And yeah youre right and i wish i had said something about it not being cool when she first started ignoring me but i wasnt exactly thinking straight at the time.

 

Anyway i'm not going to say anything, i really appreciate all of the replies though, when reading threads on here i'm often like 'what are you thinking don't do that it's just going to make it worse!' or 'wake up man and focus on something else'. Somehow it's a lot harder to think things through rationally when it's your own situation though and i've had enough experience of things that seemed like a good idea at the time going disasterously wrong with this situation that it's useful to have my bad ideas vetted before i act on them and regret it 30 seconds later.

Edited October 24, 2013 by aybc123

[aybc123]

You're broken up. It's her prerogrative to ignore you and your prerogative to suck it up.

 

That's how break ups work. Once the deed is done, she is not obliged to care about how you feel, or indulge your communication, or be your friend. You are done. Any obligation ceases.

 

No she's not obliged to it just sucks and I have a hard time understanding how someone can care so little so quickly, but anyway, nevermind. I think i'm just too sentimental about relationships and I guess not everybody is.

[Simon Phoenix]

No she's not obliged to it just sucks and I have a hard time understanding how someone can care so little so quickly, but anyway, nevermind. I think i'm just too sentimental about relationships and I guess not everybody is.

 

You have no idea how much or how little she cares. She could care, but realize that contact isn't best for her or best for you. And aspiringguitarheroine is right, you aren't in a relationship anymore. There's nothing to be sentimental about. If she was still feeling sentimental, you'd probably still be together.

[crazybestie101]

No she's not obliged to it just sucks and I have a hard time understanding how someone can care so little so quickly, but anyway, nevermind. I think i'm just too sentimental about relationships and I guess not everybody is.

 

Dude , i am in same boat. You should read my recent thread. I did EVERYTHING to save but my ex is careless. He has completely lost his mind. He is too busy chasing girls , i am NOT on his mind at all. Recently i drove to another state to meet him and poured out my heart. I got nothing but insult. So i finally realized that whatever i will do he wont understand at this moment. So let the time decide everything. Let himself realize naturally. Just sit back and relax. I know how you feel . So helpless and ignored but there is nothing much you can do. Read my thread , i pretty much did all but i guess time will tell everything now. So just be quite , act like you dont care and see the magic. I am sure one day she will wonder what happen why he isn't messaging me . Remember "action speaks louder than voices".

Edited October 24, 2013 by crazybestie101

[Sugarkane]

I can relate to what you're feeling. Because I took the high road and it made zero difference in the end. And everyone still thought my Ahole ex was some great person and probably believed whatever BS he said.

[sambo77]

You're broken up. It's her prerogrative to ignore you and your prerogative to suck it up.

 

That's how break ups work. Once the deed is done, she is not obliged to care about how you feel, or indulge your communication, or be your friend. You are done. Any obligation ceases.

 

I'm afraid this is exactly the concept I take issue with. That the "relationship" was some sort of "contractual obligation" to RESPECT the other person?! WTF?! And as soon as someone has broken that contractual obligation they are perfectly within their rights to treat you like nothing...like less than a person?! As though you should have read the small print?! WTF?!

 

Hey...my Automobile Association subscription ended last week...and while they were attentive, kind to me, and very helpful to me whilst they collected my money, now that the contract is over they have no problem leaving me out in the cold and wouldn't pee on me if I was on fire. In short, I meant nothing to them apart from on a transactional level.

 

This is a corporate mentality.

 

But we are talking about a HUMAN RELATIONSHIP for god sake! I'm sorry...but thinking about care and respect for another as an OBLIGATION is all that is wrong with the world. This guy is hurt because she didn't even show him basic respect as a human being. He is confused because he thought she at least cared about him even if she chooses not to be with him any longer.

 

We ALL know that it FEELS wrong, cruel and inhumane to treat each other this way. And I'm sure SHE (his ex) feels that too. I don't believe any of us in our heart of hearts REALLY condones such cruelty. Yet we try to rationalise it by exactly this type of thinking.

[crazybestie101]

"Only know you love when you let it go "

[sambo77]

Until you understand the concept of "if you love someone, set them free", I can't expect you to understand this.

 

To maintain contact immediately after a break up is cruel, and creates nothing but uncertainty and an inability to move on. It is far kinder to disappear.

 

You are responsible for your own post-break up care. The other person is responsible for theirs. The only reason to maintain contact with an ex is when there are children involved. Otherwise, you must sever ties and walk away. Or you end up like so many maybe posters on here, who think their break up is the exception that proves the rule.

 

If she walked away and ceased all contact after dumping him, that is the ultimate respect. She cares for him. Good for her.

 

"If you love someone set them free"...well...you speak as though you are somehow aware of some sort of "truth" about which I have yet to be "enlightened." I'm afraid that's never the case...this is always a matter of opinion...and of how we care to dress it up. You got your way, which I don't agree with, and I got mine.

 

The concept of "If you love someone set them free" can be understood in many ways. Nobody would disagree with the idea that "letting go" is essential. But "setting someone free" may mean RESPECTING them (and you) enough to walk away knowing that they still see you as a human being, knowing what just happened (maybe even why it happened), that there is no chance of reconciliation, and being clear about that (or clear that you aren't sure about it).

 

LS is full of people who have been completely blanked by their exes, ignored, left wondering and have that "inability to move on". They have not been "set free" as you put it, they are actually "trapped" in a prison of wondering what went wrong, if they have a chance at reconciliation, if they did something wrong, if they are hated. Is leaving someone in that sort of place really "setting them free"...I'm not sure about that?

 

I'm not saying we should hold court with our exes daily and maintain contact for the sake of it. Not at all. But there is a difference between that and a respectful, humane ending (we are always told that healthy relationships involve communication and it isn't so hard to extend that to suggest that so should healthy ENDINGS).

 

And anyhow, in this case we are talking about an ex just completely ignoring a question like "Hey...I still feel for you, do you think we might still have a shot?"...doesn't even dignify it with a simple "no" or "I'm not sure" or "I can't answer that."

 

(1) It doesn't mean you have NOT "set someone free" just because you BOTHERED to answer a question like that. A "no...I just don't feel like that" would certainly set me free a hell of a lot better than a non-response would. It is clear, unambiguous, and means what it means. I also don't feel like I'm not even worth responding to...like I'm sub-human.

 

(2) By ignoring the question, you have actually created a hell of a lot more uncertainty than you would have done had you simply answered "no." What does a non-response mean? No? Not sure? That she hates me? That I'm not worth even responding to? That she's laughing at me? The non-response is NOT kinder...in this thread the OP is hurt, confused, and angry BECAUSE of the non-response...BECAUSE it makes him feel sub-human. He may have been hurt by a "no"...but not in the same way.

 

I'm not disagreeing with the fact that each person is responsible for their own post breakup care. But I do not see completely ignoring another person in this way as part of a healthy, respectful breakup...which CAN and DOES exist and we should advocate. I know you're part of the "strict NC brigade" aspiring...but yours ain't the only religion.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

"If you love someone set them free"...well...you speak as though you are somehow aware of some sort of "truth" about which I have yet to be "enlightened." I'm afraid that's never the case...this is always a matter of opinion...and of how we care to dress it up. You got your way, which I don't agree with, and I got mine.

 

The concept of "If you love someone set them free" can be understood in many ways. Nobody would disagree with the idea that "letting go" is essential. But "setting someone free" may mean RESPECTING them (and you) enough to walk away knowing that they still see you as a human being, knowing what just happened (maybe even why it happened), that there is no chance of reconciliation, and being clear about that (or clear that you aren't sure about it).

 

LS is full of people who have been completely blanked by their exes, ignored, left wondering and have that "inability to move on". They have not been "set free" as you put it, they are actually "trapped" in a prison of wondering what went wrong, if they have a chance at reconciliation, if they did something wrong, if they are hated. Is leaving someone in that sort of place really "setting them free"...I'm not sure about that?

 

I'm not saying we should hold court with our exes daily and maintain contact for the sake of it. Not at all. But there is a difference between that and a respectful, humane ending (we are always told that healthy relationships involve communication and it isn't so hard to extend that to suggest that so should healthy ENDINGS).

 

And anyhow, in this case we are talking about an ex just completely ignoring a question like "Hey...I still feel for you, do you think we might still have a shot?"...doesn't even dignify it with a simple "no" or "I'm not sure" or "I can't answer that."

 

(1) It doesn't mean you have NOT "set someone free" just because you BOTHERED to answer a question like that. A "no...I just don't feel like that" would certainly set me free a hell of a lot better than a non-response would. It is clear, unambiguous, and means what it means. I also don't feel like I'm not even worth responding to...like I'm sub-human.

 

(2) By ignoring the question, you have actually created a hell of a lot more uncertainty than you would have done had you simply answered "no." What does a non-response mean? No? Not sure? That she hates me? That I'm not worth even responding to? That she's laughing at me? The non-response is NOT kinder...in this thread the OP is hurt, confused, and angry BECAUSE of the non-response...BECAUSE it makes him feel sub-human. He may have been hurt by a "no"...but not in the same way.

 

I'm not disagreeing with the fact that each person is responsible for their own post breakup care. But I do not see completely ignoring another person in this way as part of a healthy, respectful breakup...which CAN and DOES exist and we should advocate. I know you're part of the "strict NC brigade" aspiring...but yours ain't the only religion.

 

I dont even know where to begin with this.....

 

I'll just say that all of these point of views will change drastically for you within the next several months.