Almost married

[moimeme]

It was not a 'thrashing'. So he called back after not answering you previously. If you want to know what's up, return the call and talk to him. Perhaps he was unable to articulate. Maybe he couldn't even explain when you first asked. Maybe anything but now he's made an attempt, if you want to know what's going on, the best person to tell you is him.

 

This is not unsupportive. This is fact - there's nothing to be gained by speculation except to end up with a bunch of unverifiable possibilities. Now he wants to talk, it seems, so find out what's gone on. I still think it has to do with the stuff that happened to him but I could be as wrong as everybody else. But you wanted answers and now he's called - possibly with answers. He's the guy who'll give you the answers you need.

[bebop]

I fully understand that. He shut me down cold.

Until now there was nothing I could do about that.

In the meantime I fell across these boards during crisis, and it's been a godsend.

I am completely exhausted and have been for several days now. I was not expecting his call and not ready for it. It was best to let it go for the moment.

He's in crisis of some kind and I do not think it has to do with me, now that some days have passed, I've had a chance to think, and given the tone of his voice when he called.

Now that he has called I know that we will talk about it in due time.

You do not perceive the instantaneous black vacuum I had been dropped into without warning.

Again, I am deeply grateful these boards were here.

[moimeme]

I assure you I'm familiar with the black hole. Been down it a couple times myself. I'm glad you're not cutting off all possibility of reconnecting. I hope it all works out. Could be it all turns out to have a very good explanation. If he'd not tried to call you at all it might have been worse, but because he has, like you, I think he's having some difficulty somehow.

 

Nothing's worse than loss. I know that. That's why I was hoping you hadn't cut him off yet. This loss may yet be prevented. But I do caution that four months is a little soon to decide to marry someone for the very reason that there may be surprises that turn up when you've known someone that little a time. And one has. Still, he could be a good guy in the end. I hope it all sorts itself out soon, but then don't rush into this marriage; true love can wait.

[moon]

moimeme,

 

I think what bebop was trying to say above is that she's probably really confused about what to do and the guy isn't exactly being forthright in what's going on. If you have been in a relationship that totally disintigrates before your eyes and the guy isn't giving you a lot to go on you get very confused---his actions are speaking way louder than his words. She mentioned that he didn't call for a while and then she called (I believe) and asked him what was going on and he didn't even respond into the phone. THAT'S WEIRD!

 

Give bebop a break!!! She's obviously hurting and doesn't know what to do. Her ex is playing major games with her and she's looking for advice. Nobody wants to turn into the woman who constantly calls her ex begging for answers. I think that's why the no contact rule is the best way to go. So she's probably just trying to figure out the best course of action. I say talk to the man if you can........but it is sort of seeming like it's going to be tough to get a straight answer out of this guy. So moimeme I think it's a little more complicated than just picking up the phone and demanding to know all the answers. Sometimes we just CAN'T get those answers and I think that's what bebop is sort of anticipating. She's probably just trying to keep her composure here, knowing her ex is doing a real con job on her (in many ways). He's promised her marriage, etc. and now she can't even get a few words out him. If you've dealt with this type of sudden contradition in a previously fine relationship----then you know that you might just be in one of those situations where taking back the love is as easy to some people as flipping a switch. Bebop probably doesn't want to turn to jello (while talking to this guy) because it sound like she knows he's a real piece of work and has pretty much already called the shots on the end of this relationship.

 

So Bebop, don't be mad. Nobody is judging you!!! I can totally see your frustration. You know that even if you do pick up that phone that is behavior is SO inconsistent with the past that even if you had a few answers out of him (what he's changed his mind, he's taken up with somebody else....."I love you but I am not in love with you" --- BS) you probably will just get some white lies from him and you might even feel more pain. I can see where you're coming from. I am of that mind too. It is like if the person REALLY wanted me to know why they are acting like a pathetic loser then they'll go ahead and tell me. I can see that. I can see why you didn't want to pick up the phone. I mean YOU KNOW this guy has changed and you don't really feel like playing his games. Just take it easy Bebop and gain some insight into your situation and then try to call and see what he does. My guess is that he's a gonna keep acting like a little baby about it until HE feels like it. So sad. But I hope you do get the answers you need (closure---if you will). Good luck.

[moimeme]

My assumption is that something happened to him or around him that knocked him for a loop. Had he never called her that would be one thing, but he called and then didn't speak - that's something else entirely. He had the words knocked out of him for some reason - now it's finding out the reason that's important.

[bebop]

Originally posted by moon

moimeme,

 

I think what bebop was trying to say above is that she's probably really confused about what to do and the guy isn't exactly being forthright in what's going on. If you have been in a relationship that totally disintigrates before your eyes and the guy isn't giving you a lot to go on you get very confused---his actions are speaking way louder than his words. She mentioned that he didn't call for a while and then she called (I believe) and asked him what was going on and he didn't even respond into the phone. THAT'S WEIRD!

 

Exactly correct.

 

And thank you, moon, for your comments. I didn't need to get beaten up over it, I'm crazytired, and that's how it felt.

Initially it had all the hallmarks of a total cad/jerk, which I can assure you he has never ever been to me, not once. He treated me beautifully, not overly-fake-so, just in a quiet consistent day-to-day sort of way. That's why nothing fit, and partly why I started talking about it.

I initially actually thought he was maybe dead in a ditch, that's how sudden it was, but I would have been notified and within 10 hours or so of silence I knew that wasn't it.

I love him. Regardless of outcome I will love him, we all know that that doesn't just shut off. He's not a nut job, at least was not. Far, far from it.

But at first it looked like the classical coward's dump-job, and I had to deal with it in ways appropriate for keeping myself as emotionally safe as possible through the storm. No contact is the best way to do that.

Something is happening to him, and I will listen and support him through it regardless of whether we continue as a couple or not, until he is through it.

[moimeme]

Sorry, bebop. I certainly didn't intend you to feel beat up. I suggest to many people to talk to their partners rather than speculate here. I get that you are looking for support and I'm glad you're not cutting him off.

[bebop]

Okay.

 

[immoralist]

And thank you, moon, for your comments. I didn't need to get beaten up over it

 

And that's our moi--always the charmer.

[moimeme]

Ugh.

[beejsea2]

Bebop,

 

I can understand what you're going through with the lack of sleep etc...been there done that. About two months ago the man that I lived with for the past 4 years and talked of marriage left me while I was at work...you can read my post for the all the details.

 

The reason that I'm writing is to let you know that the sleepless nights will eventually stop and you'll get an appetite again (well I still don't have one after 2 months). You sound alot like me that we really don't know what's going through their heads...thing to remember is to be good to yourself!!

[bebop]

Thanks, and you're right. I always forget to eat during times of grieving and/or stress and not even notice that I haven't been eating. I'm skinny to begin with so there aren't any reserves there to draw on lol. I've put a note by my kitchen sink. It says, EAT. I did get about six hours' sleep last night so I'm not psychotic yet.

 

I just don't have experience with these behaviors. I have tons of experience, yet never ran into this before. When my ex-husband asked me to marry him, we got married. No big drama, no big deal. We stayed married for 18 years. Since being single I've seen lots of guys, again, never had something of this nature going on. I realize now, through being on these boards, how common these weird sea changes are, and the evasive actions, apparently mostly on the part of the men; I'm truly shocked by it and by some of the stories here. The confusion and pain that is inflicted on people by their partners not being honest is just plain mean. I don't think there's any excuse for it, frankly, no matter who does it.

 

I don't have a track record of being with kooks. I've got good radar about men and I do use it. So, we'll see. Maybe my radar got jammed this time, lots of maybes.

[beejsea2]

I know what you mean about your radar!! I thought my ex was the one...all the love letters he wrote the long phone conversations that he expressed his love and than poof!! he's gone.

 

It's going to be a long process and do what makes YOU feel good...cry, scream, laugh there's no time limitations and every person reacts differently!

[NatoPMT]

have you returned his call yet bebop?

[bebop]

I left just a gentle thing on his voice mail. I wasn't expecting to get him in person - the one thing I do know in all this is his job; I know it well (worked with him for a time) and I know his schedule, and today is a straight-out busy day for him.

All I said was that it's okay for him to talk with me about what's going on at any time, and would he leave a message saying so should he want me to return his call or calls. (I can't read minds - I didn't say that, though). I kept my tone very calm, very kind, because I think that's what is needed right now. Plus it was how I was feeling, anyway.

I travel with no illusions or expectations, here. I'm willing to take it day by day at this point and assume nothing one way or another, not about us, or him, or the future.

I did just eat an entire box of Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch cereal this morning so I may be a little stoned on that right now.

 

[reasontosigh]

.....I realize now, through being on these boards, how common these weird sea changes are, and the evasive actions, apparently mostly on the part of the men.....

 

Nail hit on head. Pass Go...collect $100 LS/Monopoly money.

 

I'd been going through this for years, it seems. Coming here for me helps me keep my guard up.

 

.....I did just eat an entire box of Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch cereal this morning so I may be a little stoned on that right now.

 

 

Wooooohooooo!

[NatoPMT]

that sounds like the perfect message, when i read your first posts i thought something may have happened to him - i hope he calls back and gives you some sort of explaination. If he doesn't call, id call him again in a couple of days and reiterate that message as its obv its something hes struggling in telling you so he may need a few more nudges.

 

Glad you are back on eating, i lived off Crunchy Nut Cornflakes for 2 months after a break up, cereal is the easiest thing to eat when you dont feel like eating anything. Unfortunately i was back on usual full daily quota of cakes in no time at all.

[bebop]

LOL. Thank God for Cap'n Crunch. Bad for ya, but so good.

 

I'll leave him alone a bit - he needs to be ready to talk and he obviously isn't just yet.

 

Besides, I'm hopskotching wildly right now in mood and feeling - angry, missing him, furious, sympathetic, worried, calm/supportive, very upset over Christmas, for which we had very specific plans, the works. I won't call with any message later on until and unless my head is absolutely level at the moment that I do it. I need to be able to mean it, every time.

 

Tomorrow is the day he was supposed to fly in and spend the holidays here. So I'll just be reallyreally busy all day, keep my mind off it.

 

I have progressed, I'm able to be out in public without Total Breakdown, just like a regular human.

So that's something, anyway. Sleeping is still quite bad - when I do sleep it isn't quality sleep by any means. It'll get there. I'll get my sleep back either through time, answers, or a case of imported beer lol.

 

Or all of the above.

[beejsea2]

Bebop,

 

You will sleep again...one day I was just so tired I went to bed early and slept the entire night through. Some nights I still toss and turn but it's the baby steps the entire healing process takes time and little by little it will hopefully get better

 

Bee

[bebop]

I should add, I now know through one of our friends that he changed his flight and will spend the holidays in Florida with his siblings and their families. This friend can't understand what happened. Nobody knows anything else right now. At least he's alive.

[NatoPMT]

this is completely bizarre. its getting beyond sympathy now and into out of order territory. It could have been the latter all along but as i am just a clued up as you are its safest not to jump to conclusions.

 

I would keep an open mind but accept whatever the outcome, something has changed. Arrange some new holiday plans and quick, and make the most of being able to do exactly what you want

 

Can this mutual friend tell you anything at all?

[bebop]

I know how weird it all is, believe me. It is just weird. But, think of the entertainment I've provided the shackers here, lol.

At least I'm getting my sense of humor back a little. I'm a humor and commentary writer so I really need it to come back quick. Like yesterday. My living depends on it.

The only reason the mutual friend knew anything at all was that part of this company is returning from out West as a group flight, and my whatever-he-was fiance ? booked/hopped on that flight for tomorrow at the last minute. It fell to the friend to make the arrangements as that's part of what he does for the company, all the travel arrangements. He doesn't know anything else and doesn't have a clue what's going on. He's upset too, as it sounds to him as if my guy had an emotional break of some kind, and these people were all really rooting for us to work out.

Life will and does go on and the world keeps on turning.

I called about six of the guys I've been refusing for dates for months - Cap'n Crunch is okay but he doesn't do much, he's retired - going out, shooting pool, getting rowdy and whatnot. It doesn't replace spending time with the person you love or loved but it's fun and I can use some fun. Not looking for anything other than fun.

I don't know what may transpire in the weeks to come. I feel as if I've done what I can do and it's time to lay back out of it. If he calls I'll go with it and just see what he has to say. If he doesn't, he doesn't. I can't lead a horse to water, and I won't beat him if he's dead.

Not to say that I'm just peachy keen. I'm not. I've been through an excessive amount of loss through death throughout my life so I have practice, that's all.

[bebop]

Originally posted by BigBelm

this is completely bizarre.

 

Although, I can see him going home to family if he's in crisis, or in guilt, or with a new woman he wants to bring home to meet the family. (Which was me, three weeks ago.)

 

He will obviously do what he's going to do. He knows the door is open. I'm going out to shoot some pool.

[SpaceCoyote]

Its good that you are spending time around other people. That helps in many small ways (and sometimes big ones). And at least now you know he is alive and moving around and doing things. He will have to get in touch with you sooner or later as I am sure he doesn't not want this hanging out there either.

[bebop]

I'm going out to get crazy now. 11:30 on a Tuesday night. Ah well. Sleep tight, everyone.