Almost married

[bebop]

*jumping up and down*

 

We are conversing, tell you more later, omg.

 

*happy*

 

[moimeme]

[NatoPMT]

Bebopaloola, is he your baby?

 

Give us the update!!! (fingers tightly crossed)

[sandra parker]

Hi Everyone,

 

I have been reading this post and its replies and a thought came to me. When we are IN a relationship it is normal and wise to discuss the whys of this statement or that statement. HOWEVER, and I sincerely include myself and my situation here, WHY do we spend so much time and energy trying to figure out the WHYS behind their every thought and statements? WHY do we keep on speculatind why they did this and that, why they are doing this and that, is there someone else, if so, WHAT does this mean???? I for one, have done nothing but harm myself trying to figure out the WHYS. I know that is part of the healing process, BUT it is so hurtful staying in the WHY phase!!! Their wish is to no longer be with us and to be connected with us and trying to figure the WHYS out is awful and keeps us connected to this non-existant connection. PLEASE don't misunderstand me, I do the same, I am just questioning the sanity of it. Everytime I talk to my ex or see him, even if I feel some small victories, I catch myself analyzing his every word and action and this pulls me back to a place that hurts me. No contact, when I have practiced it, is the only way for me to regain some empowerement and think of my WHYS not his. This, I really believe, will put me in a place where I can eventually find happiness. I think that everything we do is a choice and I for one, need to start making better ones. Just a thought. Sandra

[bebop]

Originally posted by BigBelm

Bebopaloola, is he your baby?

 

Yes he is, and I don't mean maybe.

 

 

Last night I could stand no more, out of sheer worry for him more than anything else. I called, got his voice mail, expressed my worry and the fact that he could still call me when he felt ready, should that moment ever arrive.

 

Ten minutes or so went by, and I couldn't help myself. Propelled by angels, (or general insanity) I called him again. Had no idea what I would say. This time he answered; the second I heard his voice I let loose with a flood of feeling, that he couldn't leave people just dangling like that, etc. Not yelling at all, pretty quiet, but I couldn't stop. He just patiently heard me out, and then he started to talk. Finally.

 

He has a diagnosis of clinical depression. (I wasn't aware of this.) And, all the awful junk that happened to him last year crashed down on him with the advent of the holidays. And, please, no jokes, he was off his meds for the depression. He's been out West without them, he ran out and thought he could just soldier through till he got home. He said he withdrew totally from everybody. Amazingly, he kept right on working non-stop through it, which is typical of him. His job is extremely high-stress and not something all mortals would be able to keep doing on a good day, let alone while fighting depression.

He couldn't talk to anybody, just was paralyzed, wasn't talking to his friends who are with him out there either. He was so afraid of what was happening he was terrified of calling me. He said also he thought he would only be burdening me. I said, Burden me. That what I have for him is real love, which means I will be there for him and support him. But for me to do that, he cannot shut me out. I said, Reverse it for a minute - had I dropped off the map without warning would he not have been frantic? Yes.

I suggested to him that we backpedal just a bit and take the marriage pressure off the table. That it didn't matter to me (and it doesn't) whether we get married next week next year or not at all. That we'd had very little time together and should just spend time, for a time. This was a huge relief to him. He still would like to get married somewhere down the line but it really doesn't matter to me whether we do or not. Great if we do, fine if we don't, we can live together.

He changed his flight because Florida is his home base, his doctors are there, and he knew he had to get home and get help, new meds, and just be safe for a little while.

We spoke for three hours. Quiet, serious talk. At the end he talked about how grateful he is that I'm not giving up the ship. He knows now that he can't just disappear like this. He was disappearing from himself, let alone everyone else. Too, his previous two relationships were not good in the communication department, and he's still getting used to this new thing of being able to really say everything to me without fear.

So, that's the short version. We're going to take things easy, and slowly, and a day at a time. We reiterated our commitment to each other and created a safe place for us both, as individuals and as a couple.

So there it is, kids. I think, no, I KNOW we've got what it takes to work through it and come out very well on the other side.

Thank you all so very much for your help, your interest, your company, and your thoughts.

Even though I'm fine now I'll still hang around the shack, it's a great place.

 

[beejsea2]

Bebop

 

Glad to hear that things are going well and that things continue to work out for the two of you!

[NatoPMT]

i could do a little jig for you. but i am aware i would look a fool.

 

well, that does explain things - what a relief its a) something that can be managed and b) its not his feelings for you.

 

I am really glad he finally felt he could talk to you - what a massive step in the right direction.

 

Do some big reading up on his condition and keep those lines of communication wiiiide open. This may as well be the start of your relationship not the continuation, hes got some problems here and things wont be as easy as they were till meltdown happened.

 

keep us updated! x

[bebop]

I'll do a jig, to save you looking silly LOL.

 

He's a fine man, he really is, and this is worth it to me. And yes, I'll be doing a ton of research on this. At some point soon we're also going to have him see my family physician, who is excellent and very compassionate. And the three of us will sit down and discuss ways to improve his life and condition. I do know we have a road ahead of us, but I don't mind. He's only 44 and he deserves a chance to have a whole life, as we all do.

 

I feel that this is the real beginning, as you pointed out, and that we'll be stronger for the experience.

 

[moon]

Bebop,

 

Good that you talked to him. You must feel so much better.

 

It did sound a little bit like a mental illness when I first read your post. My ex boyfriend was a diagnosed manic depressant (I know add that to the list of his troubles). When I first met him he was not taking medication. He would take them sometimes, but he'd go on and off---which really doesn't do any good. We met when we were traveling, so I was sort of stuck with him (hard to explain). I saw him go through amazing highs and lows. He would drink alcohol just to take away the pain. He would cry, be sad, go through amazing periods of manic activity. It was hard to handle. I'd never seen anything like it. I didn't know how to proceed with a relationship with him. He had so many good qualities (kind, patient, good listener) that I held on. I didn't know anything about the disease. It makes people act in very irrational ways. But I always felt sorry for him and I knew he needed help. He was so interesting and creative that I stuck by him.

 

I did some reseach myself. Soon he got onto medication for the disorder. His moods stabilized. The chemicals in his brain balanced out. One thing I can say about him now is he doesn't go through the depression that I saw when I first met him. He is up most of the time. The medication keeps him elevated. The medication has changed him in many ways. You know, sometimes I didn't recognize him from the person who I first met. But my ex still drinks a lot, so that is not a good mix with the medication. My ex still has a problem with starting and finishing things. But I think that is more of a self esteem thing.

 

If your boyfriend gets back on medication and stays with it, there is a lot of hope for him.

 

Seriously, when I think about my ex, the things I learned the most from him were religion (needing a higher power through the dark times), manic depression, alcoholism, family (getting along with them) and compassion.

 

It is a tough road to have clinical depression, I know, I have seen it. It really guts the person who has it when they have a seious attack (they go off medication usually).

 

Good luck to you both. I hope everything works out for the best.

[qismat]

hey bebop.. i've been reading along, checking on your story, and was so happy to read that communication is open again! =)

 

Just like the others are saying, make sure u keep the communication as open as possible!!... and hopefully he'll see and feel like he can share these things with you and talk to you about it... so happy to hear things are working out!

[moimeme]

Excellent! Superb that you decided to talk it out. I figured it had to be depression or something. People just do not call people and not talk unless it's because they want to talk but can't. I'm very happy that you reached out to him That issue about being a 'burden' is very common to depressed people so keep an eye out for that. Good for him for going to get help, too. This is just great news Even though he's feeling bad now, I think you two will be fine

[bebop]

Thanks, moi, I really appreciate that.

It was mostly an instinctual thing last night - I was propelled to make the contact, it's the only word for it.

He has called twice today, his flight home had a layover in between, so he called then and again when he finally got in. I'm so relieved to have him home. Even though he's in Florida and I'm up here. At least he's back on my coast and in my time zone again. Whew.

 

He sounds so much better; not manic-up, he isn't manic-depressive. Just better, more steady on his feet.

 

Thanks for mentioning the burden thing, I'll stay aware of that each day as things go along. That was huge for him, apparently.

As far as Christmas stuff, I'm fine with him being down there if he needs to be. My priority is that he feel safe and steady again, and if it's better for him to be near family and familiar physicians right now then that's where he should be.

 

He's going to call again later tonight to say goodnight. And I'm sleeping now, like a stone. I had piled up a lot of exhaustion in one little week.

[theone44]

Originally posted by bebop

Yes he is, and I don't mean maybe.

 

:

 

He has a diagnosis of clinical depression. (I wasn't aware of this.) And, all the awful junk that happened to him last year crashed down on him with the advent of the holidays. And, please, no jokes, he was off his meds for the depression. He's been out West without them, he ran out and thought he could just soldier through till he got home. He said he withdrew totally from everybody. Amazingly, he kept right on working non-stop through it, which is typical of him. His job is extremely high-stress and not something all mortals would be able to keep doing on a good day, let alone while fighting depression.

 

 

 

 

Boy bebop,i have the same problem about ten year ago(clinical depression),but i over came it. with the medication and lot's help. I wish i can find a woman like you with so much understanding,cause most women would run to the hills,if they see u got some type of metal condition This man is not ever going to leave you,because you accepted him as he is. With much love and help,and now he see you there for him,he will over come it soon and of course with the help of God. Tell him he must take the prescribe medication(He will thank God and you in the end)

[bebop]

Thank you, dear, that's a lovely post, truly.

It's an unconditional love, in this case. I'm a pretty strong person. Again instinctively, I'm not afraid of it in any way, I feel rock solid. He has a finite and specific thing which we can and will address together, just the same as if he had cancer or anything else. I will not abandon him.

Thanks again for the great words.

 

[bebop]

Just to let those who followed this story know -

 

We're doing extremely well. Last night on the phone we set up guidelines for this temporary LDR we now find ourselves in - we discussed what would make each of us uncomfortable (lack or lapses of contact), what would cause us to worry or stress out, how often to call, all kinds of stuff. We discussed and established strategies for dealing with his bad days, when and if they come, while he's away from me, so the Black Hole doesn't open up again and plummet me through it.

 

We're also talking about his job, which isn't doing him a lot of good because it's so high-stress, and possibilities of other things he'd like to do, so he's starting to feel more positive in that arena as well.

 

A day at a time, a step at a time, and it's going very, very well.

 

[debs]

Bebop,

 

I was relieved to read that the Mr was suffering from depression. Yes clinically depressed people do avoid contact when they are on the down mode. Please make sure he is treated!

 

I am very happy this is a great ending and beginning of a loving supportive life ahead for the two of you!

 

To theone44, I say Bravo! You have worked at getting better dealing with depression and life has meaning and purpose for you!

 

lol being a "clinically depressive" I know all too well the ups and downs!

 

Keep the faith and trust in one another!

[bebop]

Well, the honesty of people here about this subject of depression has been invaluable to me, I can't tell you. I never knew that, that people suffering from it would just drop away like that. Everything people post here about it is a real gift to me, and it's just SO appreciated.

 

 

I guess I've dealt more with "functionally depressive" people, who were definitely depressed but weren't disappearing off the planet.

[theone44]

Originally posted by bebop

Well, the honesty of people here about this subject of depression has been invaluable to me, I can't tell you. I never knew that, that people suffering from it would just drop away like that. Everything people post here about it is a real gift to me, and it's just SO appreciated.

 

 

I guess I've dealt more with "functionally depressive" people, who were definitely depressed but weren't disappearing off the planet.

 

 

 

 

 

Well i did the same thing. i isolated myself from everybody,even from God. Now you know nobody can hide from Him,cause He see's everyone. So one day i saw how beautiful myself was as a person, and said no way is i'm going to miss out of life,because of despressio. And that how i overcame it when i saw how beautiful the sun was,people,my family,friend and thee "Almighty God ".