Can you realy stop loving somebody just like that?

[monkeylicious]

Are guys complicated or what??

 

My story is that i was dumped after being together for three years and a half. Everything was going fine between us, but then one night he called my house and my little sister told him that i wasn’t home (i was sleeping) but she didnt know that.

 

Later on when i woke up i called him and all he told me was that he didn't want to be with me. that it was over because he didn't want to be with someone who was going to be going out with her friends partying and messing around with guys. first of all I'm not the type of person to ever do something like that i have respect for myself and for my partner. and I never did anything to make him think that about me either.

 

Every time that i wanted to go out somewhere or if my friends would invite me to go out, i will invite him to go with me. he would never want to go out with me he always seemed to have better things to do, so i would just stay home and not go with my friends or go out at all. I'm not saying i was a perfect girlfriend cause there’s no such thing as perfect but i was nice sweet ...you name it...that's why i cant understand why he did this.

 

This happened about a month ago. we still kept in touch the first few days after our separation, he would still call me to see how i was doing to say that he misses me and that he loves me and doesnt want to let go. But that he didn't want to be with me. he stopped calling me so that's when i started to call. sometimes he was so rude to me that it hurt my feeling and i would just get depressed and start crying. he would keep telling me how he doesn't want to be with me and that he doesn't want to talk to me either to stop calling him. i tried so many times to stop calling him but i jus couldn't. i was constantly thinking about him and i just wanted to at least hear his voice.

 

About a week ago he called me and asked me if he could come over. i was surprised, so i asked him why? because he wouldn't ask to come see me with out a reason. he said that he jus wanted to have sex with me since its been a while (we were each others first), and was wondering if we could stay bootie buddies even though we weren't together. I told him no, i just couldnt do that. i told him that yeah i love him and yeah i want to be with him but as in a relationship not jus friends with benefits.

 

Later on that night he called me and we were talking fine, all of a sudden he started being an as* with me so we ended up arguing . he told me how he doesn't know in what other way to tell me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. How he wants me to leave him alone and to never call him again. I asked him if he still loved me and he said that he cares about me and everything but that he doesn't think that he feels the same way and that he let go already. so i asked him why does he still call me if he doesn't want anything to do with me and he just stayed quiet and hung up on me. that night i felt like sh** that i decided to stop calling him for good and do the NC rule.

 

Two days later he text message me late at night to see if i was still up so he called me, he asked what i was doing and how I've been. he also told me how much he misses me and that he wants me to listen to this song... it was our song . he dedicated that song on our first anniversary. but he never mentioned anything about getting back or him wanting to be with me. this had been the lat time i talked to him till earlier today.

 

I called him earlier today to see how he was. he said he was fine but he didn't sound like he was fine he sounded kind of sad i knew something was wrong. i asked him what was wrong but he said that there was nothing wrong that everything was fine. I invited him to a Christmas party and he said no thanks that i should consider inviting other people that are important to me like my “new boyfriend”. I had no clue what he was talking about but he said that he had supposedly seen me with some guy when he went to his friends house. first of all i don't have anyone else i could do that and second of all i don't even live close to his friends house. I asked him if he missed me and said yes, i asked him if he had moved on already and forgot about me said no but that he might as well since i already did. i tried explaining to him how there is no one else and i again told him how much i miss him and i love him but he told me how he doesn't feel the same way towards me anymore and that he wants me to leave him alone and not call him again.

 

How can you stop loving somebody just like that? i mean he would always be telling me how much he loves me and how he wanted us to get married and have kids. a few weeks before we broke up we had made plans about moving in together, and everything seemed fine to me i never saw this coming. thats why its hard for me to accept this, and let go like if it was nothing big. is it really possible to stop loving someone jus like that? what should i do? some advice please!!

[SpaceCoyote]

This guy sounds like he is seriously immature with all his accusations, mistrust and the poor way in general that he acts towards you. To answer your original question, no you can't just turn it off if you truly love someone. That will take some time but it will happen eventually. And in this case, he's making it easy on you in a way by just being a jerk in general, telling you not to call and all. Do you really want to be with someone who has no faith in you, wants you only for sex and constantly tells you to get lost? If you focus your thoughts on those aspects of your relationship, it might make the pain a little easier to deal with.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He has already told you that he doesn't want to be with you, and that he has already let you go. Anytime else he contacts you after that is driven by him probably missing you - but not missing your relationship. He probably does care about you, he just doesn't want to be with you in a committed relationship. In other words, he wants you on his terms and when it is convenient for him.

 

The best thing you can do is hold him to his word. He said he is through with you and has let you go. Now you must do exactly what a person who has been let go must do: no contact. None, nada. No texting, no emails, no phone, no visits. Every time you break that no contact you are giving him the impression that you are willing to see him on his terms: ie, that you will agree to sleep with him, and be his emotional dumping ground without the courtesy of commitment.

 

It will be hard, but it will nothing compared to the hell he will continue to put you through if you let him. He will be the hurt puppy, and he will continue to do stuff like:

 

he also told me how much he misses me and that he wants me to listen to this song... it was our song . he dedicated that song on our first anniversary

 

but never lose sight of the fact that he said

 

he was so rude to me that it hurt my feeling and i would just get depressed and start crying. he would keep telling me how he doesn't want to be with me and that he doesn't want to talk to me either to stop calling him.

 

If he calls you again, tell him that you cannot handle being in contact with him under these conditions, and ask him to not contact you in any way, shape or form. Then you can start to put your head and heart back together and think some things through. Give yourself a chance to take a good long (uninterrupted by him) look at the relationship. I expect things will come clear the longer you go without any contact with him.

[moon]

It sounds like maybe this guy just had some serious reservations about moving your relationship to the next level. You were talking about moving in together soon and marriage. I mean you'd really need a guy's perspective here, but it seems like he had cold feet and wanted to somehow swing the blame around to you. I don't know that you are going to get this guy back to his senses.

 

Yup, I'd try no contact. But he seems hell bent on blaming you for things, so you might expect some angry phone calls from him when you totally ignore him. He sounds very frustrating....very frustrating.

 

I guess you just need to hold firm that you didn't do anything wrong here. He's having big jitters it sounds like---although he's probably not aware of this and would deny it till the end if you confronted him. It sounds like he also would find a way to believe in his own mind that you are being delusional if you told him this. I hate to say it, but I think it is hard to guide one of these types of situations back to normal. I would not talk to him. Ignore him basically. Put him out of your mind.

 

Will he come back when he regains his senses?----only he knows that. In the mean time this guy is playing a weird and sorted blame game here. One thing you probably can be sure of is for the time being he wants out of the "relationship" with you. So give him his way.

 

I don't know....I might write him a letter before you start NC, explaining what type of relationship you wanted with him, telling him that you can't take his treatment anymore or lack of trust and tell him that you're going to not contact him anymore. At least that way, this guy won't keep contacting you at random times and expecting you to answer the phone just to get insulted by him. I might point out that you are in fact going to do this (NC)because he's been hurting your feelings. This will throw the blame back to him. This letter might be something for him to think about (and read) as he's furiously ringing your house, only to find you aren't gonna pick up for his idle chatter and BS.

 

Good luck...stay strong.

[monkeylicious]

( moon...LucreziaBorgia...SpaceCoyote) thanks all of you for your aadvice.

 

You know what he told me yesterday night? that he has a new grl already i dont know if he said that because of him thinking i have someone else and wants to make me jealous or because he really does. he just asked me to leave him alone and not to come between them two. I cant believe that he really moved on that fast, how could he do that to me. you guys cant even imagine how i felt when he told me that or how i feel right now. now i feel like im whorthless and that (tears) if i wasnt able to make him happy like he told me, then im never gona be able to make any guy happy. to tell you the truth im so depresssed that at times i feel like killing myself so i wouldnt feel all this pain. i just love & miss him so much and wish that everything between us got better, but i know that thats something thats never going to happen. you guys please help me i really dont know what to do. i feel like im going crazy.

[SpaceCoyote]

It sounds like he takes pleasure out of messing with your head and part of his pleasure comes from you allowing him to. If you let yourself feel worthless because of things he said to you or because he makes you feel that way, then you are giving him exactly what he wants. You shouldn't miss him this bad. There doesn't seem like a foundation for a healthy relationship there, and while I may not know you, I am pretty damn certain that you can do better than someone who makes you feel like crap. I would guess that you miss him because you see good things when you look at him and you remember good things when you think about your past, and you want those good things back. This is natural for any breakup. But, it also seems like there is a lot of bad things here too, and you need to remember about how horrible he is capable of making you feel when you think of being with him. This pain WILL subside eventually. It is a slow, tedious process...I know, and it's unfortunate. But there are ways to deal with it that don't require killing yourself, and as others have pointed out, it starts with not having any contact with him. That seems especially true in your case, where every time you talk to him, you come away just feeling terrible.

[monkeylicious]

Thank you for your advice.

 

You know its true, i should really stick to the no contact rule. and i know that at the end hes the one thats gona end up hurt. like that saying goes noting bad happens with out having something good right behind it. i should and i will do the best i can to forget about him or at least to stop thinking about him and start doing new thing that will keep me bussy. it really sucks because ill be spending christmas by myself. all my family always goes out of town and i have to stay because of work and school and i would usualy spend it with him and his family. whats your story?

[SpaceCoyote]

whats your story?

 

My story is quite pitiful. I got dumped by my GF on her 30th birthday 3 weeks ago. I started 2 threads about her under the "Coping" section, if you want to read the drawn-out version. We dated for about 15 months and she was very in love with me for a good part of that time. Many times I thought this was the woman I would be with forever. But over the last few months, she lost interest in me and began realizing I didn't make her happy anymore. She decided that she still loved me as a person but that we didn't belong together or make a good couple. On her birthday I think she reflected on how she was getting older and was in a relationship that was going nowhere and decided it was time to make the break. She was fully aware that I was (and still am) intensely in love with her but didn't feel she could stay in a relationship that made her unhappy, even if it meant to hurt me. Shortly after we broke up, she began seeing someone who she met several weeks earlier and, unlike me, he does make her happy. Oh...she and I are also coworkers, but I guess that is a different, pitiful story....

 

I hope you find something to take up your time during the holidays. When it dawned on me that I wouldn't be spending Christmas with my ex, I made plans to spend it with my sisters and brother on the west coast. I don't have any friends in the town where I live and normally I don't mind spending Christmas alone but this year is obviously different. I have never been real close with my family but I reached out to them after this happened and they were very supportive and welcomed me for the holidays at their homes.

 

Take care and if you ever need someone to talk to, I will help in any way I can. I am not an expert on the subject of pain but I have gotten a nice crash course in the past 3 weeks.

[bebop]

normally I don't mind spending Christmas alone but this year is obviously different. I have never been real close with my family but I reached out to them after this happened and they were very supportive and welcomed me for the holidays at their homes.

 

Not to trivialize what's happening to you at all, don't think that, but I've seen many unexpected benefits come out of bad situations and situations of loss, and here is one of them. I hope you have a nice time with them, and maybe from here on in you'll be a bit closer to your family.

[GreenCap]

Dear SpaceCoyote

 

It is surprising to read about someone with approximately the same situation as I am currently experiencing as I keep shouting to heavans WHY ME, WHAT DID I DO WRONG etc. Sometimes people fall out of love with you despite all the ups and downs you shared together. I am still coping with her leaving and even suffered more when I learnt today that she has got a new guy already.

 

This holiday season will be one where I will be spending alone - just perhaps to collect my thoughts, understand myself, my motivations and values in love. As people say, you can always go home and if the comfort of home and unconditional love of family is what you need, by all means take it as an escape from the city/place of your heartbreak. I on the otherhand do have the luxury as my family lives in another country but even speaking with them is more than enough.

 

As the title ramblings say, you must find your own happiness - I must find my own happiness. Take care.

[monkeylicous]

You guys, I think that its time for all of us to let go of the pain they've put us through and make our selfs happy. i know that its not that easy, I mean the holidays are here and if they dont want to be with us then f*** them. I know and we all know that we didnt do anything wrong all we did do was give them love (oviously thats wasn't enought for them) but who cares there is plenty of people out there who are whilling to give us a try. we shouldnt be here suffering and feeling guilty for something that we didnt do. Lets get up from da floor and go out there to see whats waiting for us. Just remember that pay back is a Bi***. everytime that something bad happens there is something good comming along.

[SpaceCoyote]

Greencap and Monkeylicious... I am trying to move on but something inside me won't let myself. I still have forgiven myself for letting it all fall apart. Everyone tells me it is not all on one person, that both people have to make it work and want to make it work. But I am having trouble thinking that way. In my mind, our relationship had a chance....we were together for over a year. So for it to have failed, I didn't do enough to make her want to stay. That sounds horrible and wrong I know, but I can't stop thinking like that.

[GreenCap]

Every one copes differently. We all have to go through our stages but we have to get through it because if we don't, we will carry the scar into the next relationship or work or something else.

 

There is no right or wrong way - I suffer from relapses, I ask myself where did I go wrong, I ask myself what if this and buts. You have to go through your own healing process but understand that as time goes, hopefully the self-loathing will dissipate. Will it dissipate entirely I don't know. What I do know is that as we find happiness in our lives, we take all the good memories and store them inside and this takes over the bad stuff. Be realistic - we were with these individuals for a long period of time because we had strong feelings of love for them. They will always hold a special place in our hearts and when I say special it does not necessarily have to be good or bad memories - just memories of yesterday, which may or may not shape our future.

 

I don't mean to pontificate as I tell you this, I tell myself. We all heal together in this forum for in the strength of others, we find our own - to hope to dream for a better tomorrow.

[audrey]

Hey guys,

 

Just been reading your stuff and its kind of crazy to actually see that other people feel the same as me. I'm not so self obsessed that I think I'm the only person in the world with problems but mostly people don't get how much a relationship breakdown can affect a person unless they've been there and felt it so I just wanted to say how reassuring it is to know I'm not crazy, only a little sad so thanks.

[iceisles]

I, too, am glad that I'm not alone with this heartache. The other side of that coin is that with so many posters in similar predicaments, it makes you realize just how difficult it is to hold a relationship together.

[sultana]

HI, I HAVE READ EVERYTHING YOU GUYS WRITE, I AM NEW AND YEA I'M TERRIBLY HURT BUT AS TIME GOES BY IT KINDA HELPS, I HAD A 2 YEARS RELATIONSHIP (ONE YEAR STUDYING ABROAD), HE TOLD ME MANY TIMES THAT I WAS THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE, I HAVE SEEN EVERY FACET OF HIM, GOOD TIMES, BAD TIMES AND HE ALWAYS NEW I WOULD STAY BY HIM CAUSE U LOVED HIM. HE WAS ALWAYS KINDA CLOSED UP ABOUT HIS FAMILY (FINALLY 12 MONTHS AFTER WE STARTED DATING HE WNATED HIS FAMILY TO MEET ME)

 

HE'S MEXICAN DECENT AND BEING MACHO WAS PART OF HIM, HE NEVER WANTED TO BE SEEN AS A WEAK PERSON BUT WITH ME HE COULDN'T,. IN JUNE THIS YEAR HE DECIDED TO QUIT THE ARMY AND GET A JOB AND AFTER WE WOULD MOVE IN TOGETHER, I KNOW HE WAS DEPRESSED WITH ALL THAT WAS HAPPENING IN HIS LIFE BUT WHY DID HE PUSH ME AWAY? HE WOULD ALWAYS TALK ABOUT GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING KIDS AND HE WOULD TELL ME THAT THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE HIM HAPPY WAS TO HAVE ME AS HIS WIFE AND BUILD A FUTURE FOR US.

 

ITS INCREDIBLE HOW ONE DAY HE'S SWEARING YOUR THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE AND ANOTHER MINUTE HE JUST DISSAPEARS, I TRIED MANY TIMES TO CONTACT HIM BY PHONE THROUGH EMAILS, NOT BEGGING BUT TRYING TO BE UNDERSTANDING AND THEN WHEN I MADE THE LAST CALL HE ANSWERED AND HE PRETENDED HE WAS HIS FATHER! CAN YOU BELIEVE HE COULD BE SOOO INMATURE?

 

HE WOULD SEND FAMILY PICTURES OF HIMSELF AND HIS FAMILY! TINEY PAPERS WITH HEARTS DRAWN! HE SAID HE WOULD WAIT UNTIL I FINISHED MY MASTERS (ABROAD) AND THAT WE WERE GOING TO MOVE IN TOGETHER AND EVERTIME WE SPOKE HE WOULD TELL ME OF HIS PLANS FOR OUR FUTURE.

 

WHAT HAPPENED?

[bunky1]

Originally posted by SpaceCoyote

This guy sounds like he is seriously immature with all his accusations, mistrust and the poor way in general that he acts towards you. To answer your original question, no you can't just turn it off if you truly love someone. That will take some time but it will happen eventually. And in this case, he's making it easy on you in a way by just being a jerk in general, telling you not to call and all. Do you really want to be with someone who has no faith in you, wants you only for sex and constantly tells you to get lost? If you focus your thoughts on those aspects of your relationship, it might make the pain a little easier to deal with.

I broke the cardinal rule, I got involved with the sales manager of my company.. We both new how nothing more could come of it, we both are attached with kids, him being married, and me being engaged.. Well things progressed a little more rapidly, and we fell in love.. Well to make a long story short, my fiance found out. Made me quit my job, and forbade me to see him ever again.. the problem is that I still love him, and I know he feels the same for me..

 

All and all I guess, I know nothing more will ever come out of it, he will never leave his wife for me, and I honestly don't think I could ever even think about asking him to.

 

Was I stupid though, I went to every length I could think of to protect him, and make sure that his family never found out what happened?

[superwoman150]

hi,

i know what your going through i'm going through the exact same thing right now...he only comes around when he wants something...he'll never admit he was wrong...u know the funny thing is that with my ex and i...when he gets mad he walks out...doesn't listen...i love him and i miss him...and we were living together for about 6 months...and lets say...we broke up...and i was hearbroken...he came over to my house a couple of times after i moved back to my old place...and then...i thought u know, maybe he'll come around...i didn't hear from him for about a week...and then i called him and he was really cold on the phone...he then told me...I'm sorry i'm seeing someone else now...i felt like Sh*t...really really aweful...i went back to visit my parents for vacation..told his parents and family goodbye...his family love me and i love them...but i couldn't deal with it..so i left...when i was over there..i was determined to return and forget him...when i was over there..he called me and told me he wanted to work things out...etc..etc...i came back..thinking ok..things will be great...i stay with his mom for the first week since coming back...and u know what happened? it all went back to the way it was when i first left...it was aweful...he comes over and he's polite...he doesn't know how to act around me sometimes..over the phone its abrupt and he can hang up when he wants to...in person his eyes tell me he's got issues...I love this guy...with all my heart and soul...but i'm letting him go and find out what he wants with his life..because if he's not happy with himself...he'll never be able to make you happy...so girl...you're not the only one out there...don't feel alone...if you need anyone to talk to...i guess we're all here for eachother...be strong..that is all i can say...sucks...trust me..u want to be strong...but u don't know what else to do...just do stuff for yourself in the mean time...no need to rush into moving on...guys are not like us women..they can not be alone...they are afraid of being alone..and if they go with anyone..its just that.."anyone"...mostly on the rebound till they find someone they can test out...but trust me...if you guys had a great long term relationship...it might just come back...give him the time and space...he'll realize what he's missing out on...if he doesn't...then he's not worthy of you...chin up girl..smile and get busy with stuff u like but couldn't enjoy because of him...he'll come around...just NO calling him, NO "i miss you lovey dovey stuff"

and NO nagging...show him you can live without him...and he'll realize he can't live without you....u'll see it works...

 

good luck...to all of you with the same issue...as me..and others

[Drewpy]

The best thing is for NC. I was with someone for 2 years, we were to be married this March, then it ended with 4 months to go. It has been over (2) months of NC and everyday life is better and I feel more and more like myself. I took the brunt of what went wrong because it was me I drove her away. I wanted it to work so bad I tried to control every aspect of the relationship, instead of letting it take its normal course. I admit that 90% of the problems were self inflicted by me. That has been the hardest, but you have to say that I tried as best i could with the skills that I presently had at the time. I have been to therapy, not to get over her, but to improve aspects of me that were definitely wrong. I now possess the skills needed and now just need to get over the hurt of hurting the person who I loved the most and wanted to be with the most. I was doing a disservice by assuming what I wanted to happen in the relationship was the best for us, when in reality it was best for me. There was not any middle ground, I wanted things my way. I'm sure many of you out there didn't do what i did and for that it probably is super hard. But take it from the person who is totally responsible sometimes you gotta let them fly in order to be a better person, something obviously was wrong with you or them. I am definitely a better person because of what happened, the only torment, albeit poetic justice is that I am ready to be in a relationship but can't be with the one I love. I made mistakes and I have forgiven myself, everyone makes mistakes, but the most important lesson is I finally learned what i have been doing wrong for all these years and the next person that comes into my life will reap the benefits of my new skills, right now I wish it was her. NC is the way to go, you regain your middle ground per se in emotions and then see things for what they really were. This place has saved me from some bad decisions on contacting, it would have been selfish of me to contact, I assumed she would be feeling what i was feeling. If it is meant to be it will, learn it, live it and love it.

[Rule_of_Rose]

I called him earlier today to see how he was. he said he was fine but he didn't sound like he was fine he sounded kind of sad i knew something was wrong. i asked him what was wrong but he said that there was nothing wrong that everything was fine. I invited him to a Christmas party and he said no thanks that i should consider inviting other people that are important to me like my “new boyfriend”.

 

I had no clue what he was talking about but he said that he had supposedly seen me with some guy when he went to his friends house. first of all i don't have anyone else i could do that and second of all i don't even live close to his friends house. I asked him if he missed me and said yes, i asked him if he had moved on already and forgot about me said no but that he might as well since i already did. i tried explaining to him how there is no one else and i again told him how much i miss him and i love him but he told me how he doesn't feel the same way towards me anymore and that he wants me to leave him alone and not call him again.

 

How can you stop loving somebody just like that? i mean he would always be telling me how much he loves me and how he wanted us to get married and have kids. a few weeks before we broke up we had made plans about moving in together, and everything seemed fine to me i never saw this coming. thats why its hard for me to accept this, and let go like if it was nothing big. is it really possible to stop loving someone jus like that? what should i do? some advice please!!