How do you let go of the anger?

[SteveOToole]

So it's been over two months since my wife told me she doesn't love me anymore and wants to date someone else. During that time I've gone through every stage of grief and come out at acceptance, since she's shown no sign that she has any interest in reconciliation. We're getting along ok as co-parents now, but I still can't let go of the anger I feel at her dumping me so casually as if I was just a boyfriend instead of someone who has loved and supported her for eleven years and had two children with her.

Part of the problem is that we're still living in the same home for financial reasons, so I feel like I can't truly let go and move on the way she already has. I 'm doing my best to remain civil around her and not let my anger get the better of me, but it's a daily struggle. She hasn't started dating "the other guy" yet, but I feel it's only a matter of time and I don't know how I'll deal with that when it happens. I know time heals all wounds and eventually I'll get over this, but how do you control your anger when you're constantly around the person who is causing you pain?

[M30USA]

Sometimes no matter how much you try, it still takes good old TIME to reach that point. Nobody has figured out a shortcut yet.

[nbman]

Same place you are. Still living together with the kids and not sure if she is still seeing the OM or not. She claims not, but I have busted her twice lying already, so no reason to think any different.

 

Anger is like a disease, you need to fight it with happiness, as goofy as that sounds. Play with your kids outside the house. Go to a fun house, Chucky Cheese, anything that will require physical and mental concentration as a unit. I am about 1 month into your situation, and have found the only time I can really let go of the whirlwind of thoughts, anger, hurt, resintment, rage, and saddness, is by enjoying and playing with my kids. They are not leaving you, they still LOVE DAD VERY MUCH!! There is your answer. Count your blessings, from your kids, to finding your keys. Every little thing that goes right in your day is a reason to be happy! "Hey, they actually put cheese on my burger like I asked, what a great lunch!" Force yourself to start appreciating the basics of life. IMO that is the first step towards controling the anger.

 

But what do I know, I am here with everyone else....Lol.

[IndecisionIsTorture]

Don't be afraid to channel the anger in other directions, playfully. This may sound silly but you could hang a punching bag in the garage and when things get you riled up, head in there and beat the **** out of that bag. I don't mean a couple big punches, I mean until you have sweat dripping on the floor. (First, learn how to punch correctly or you will wreck your wrists).

 

Sounds trite, but can actually be very effective and surprisingly calming when you are finished.

[Jolly Roger]

I don't know if this helps or not, but for me...it took me nearly losing my mind. 2012 and the early part of 2013 was bad.

 

I was hanging with my sister on a bar stool sharing a beer, you know, mixed with tears? Anyway, her husband starts texting her and she show's me what he's saying. It's was the angriest, vilest crap, and I suddenly seen myself. I pictured this rat in the corner spitting and hissing. I thought, what's he thinking? Does he think he'll "bully" her into loving him?

 

That was the day I MADE UP MY MIND. Yeah, like...I made up my mind that I would no longer allow anger to inhabit my heart, I would not allow bitterness, resentment to grow there. What is in your heart comes out of your mouth. If your bitter and angry then you say angry and bitter things. Likewise, out of your mouth will come encouragement, love, kindness if that's what is there instead.

 

It's amazing the freedom you can have when you realize you cannot control anyone, not one single person. And, you do not have to be swallowed up in anger.

 

Probably the single best thing you could do is somehow get physically separated but if that's not possible, do it mentally. You gotta get up and go have some fun, come home in a good mood.

 

Act like you don't give a rats ass! ;-)

 

I already know, easier said than done...you'll get there if you'll begin to meditate on your heart and what you want there. You'll have a bad day, you'll screw up. Just get up, brush yourself off, get going again.

[Drdateright12]

My best advice for your truly difficult situation is to start working out four days a week even if it is just push ups, sit ups, pull ups, and running. Exercise helps relieve stress you can even read the bible if you are religious in between sets.

[dienstag]

I had that living situation for a couple of months, after it was definitely over. It was hell. The day he moved out - i think was the first day i felt i could relax and breath. So i really feel for you.

Not sure if it is for everyone but talk about it, ramble abt it here on the forum. People here know what your are going through and at least can offer a kind word - sometimes its better than nothing.

At the time we split the house into my room, his room and kids(joint so to say).

Its practically like students times:-) private space and all

I agree with others - concentrate on kids, they are better than cats in taking stress out:-)

If you can work overtime/ from home - keep busy and be productive, not destructive. Find where to redirect the energy from the anger - into work? Hobby? Plans for the future? Possible solutions for this situation?

I wish there was a simple solution for anger in such situations

[dumped2013]

Dude, I don't know if my ex is dating someone else or not, don't want to know. She moved out 3 weeks ago and I try to be at peace. I come home every night, just got done working out and will watch the World Series by myself. I almost starting crying today at work when the Garth Brooks song came on, " Learning to live again is killing me' keep reading this forum and posting. It's the only thing keeping me sane right now. I think it will all get better, at least i hope so.

[mid-divorce]

My anger is getting worse by the day not better. Hope this doesn't happen to you, when my wife left I was in bits, the problem is she's now living with someone n since meeting him doesn't allow me to c the children, everyday I don't c them I get more n more angry n upset

[marqueemoon4]

It's been over 3 years since we separated and I'm still pissed.

[Shocked Suzie]

Take my hat off to anyone who lives under the same roof for a long period of time knowing this is how their other half is thinking, feeling and is considering or is doing something with someone else! No wonder your angry!!!! two weeks was my max! As soon as I knew he'd made his mind up it was time for him to go!

 

Exercising is a good outlet... Packing her suitcase is another!

 

SS x

Edited October 27, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[dienstag]

Since he moved out i feel i can manage my anger better but must admit it is still there...

[road]

So it's been over two months since my wife told me she doesn't love me anymore and wants to date someone else. During that time I've gone through every stage of grief and come out at acceptance, since she's shown no sign that she has any interest in reconciliation. We're getting along ok as co-parents now, but I still can't let go of the anger I feel at her dumping me so casually as if I was just a boyfriend instead of someone who has loved and supported her for eleven years and had two children with her.

Part of the problem is that we're still living in the same home for financial reasons, so I feel like I can't truly let go and move on the way she already has. I 'm doing my best to remain civil around her and not let my anger get the better of me, but it's a daily struggle. She hasn't started dating "the other guy" yet, but I feel it's only a matter of time and I don't know how I'll deal with that when it happens. I know time heals all wounds and eventually I'll get over this, but how do you control your anger when you're constantly around the person who is causing you pain?

 

 

Most likely your WW is already having an affair.

 

Now the decision that you have to make is to fight for your marriage or be her door mat and you let her divorce you.

 

If you want a divorce get an bull dog of an attorney.

 

If you want to save your marriage you need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

[Yasuandio]

How do you let go of the anger? For me, it was understanding what the anger really was. So, what is is anger? I found, once dissected, it is fear (at least for me).

 

I have seen anger turn to hate in others - I have felt anger turn to hate myself once or twice. But, I was prepared because I had previously studied anger. Anger can also reflect pain. Something I recently saw by accident made me "hate" him! When in actuality, what I came across hurt me, even after five years apart.

 

Sometimes anger is just plain anger - hostility, masking up feelings that are quite the extreme opposite. I see this in my former husband. Extreme anger - you can feel it over the telephone line (I had to make a call recently about homeowner's taxes). After hearing (and feeling) that anger, it is in writing from now on. The same evening, he drove through the neighborhood. Anger is not good for your health. It makes you do weird things. Even his employees came up with his nickname - the "Little Nazi.". But to his customers, charming and smiling ear to ear, total charisma.

 

After 5 years - venom. Stalking, or watching, whatever it is. Man, that is bad. He wanted divorce, not me.

 

I used to work in a place where people did bad things to each other through politics - it was surprisingly, a university. And jealously, perhaps over another colleague's work could anger your co-worker. At faculty meetings, I could see a distinct difference in the people who had hurt other's in their career due to anger (stemming from jealousy). They looked like they were pre-maturely

aged - with deeper than normal wrinkles. Also, having a grey-ish color to their complexion. It was the ones that had been there the longest time.

 

It is an obvious conclusion what long term anger can due to your health. Since I sopped working at that University in 2001, at least ten (1/3) of them have either died or are suffering from incurable cancer. Isn't that interesting?

 

I think the following are some valid questions:

 

1. Do you want to be angry, or do you want to live?

 

2. Do you want your anger to start showing up on your face?

 

3. Do you realize that others can feel your anger vibe?

 

4. What sounds like a better idea? To contunue to be an angry person OR to try to be a happy person?

 

5. How does anger help you move forward?

 

6. What is your anger really about? Are you hurt? Are you in grief? Are you lonely? Are you afraid or in fear? Does the future frighten you? Are you worried you'll never meet someone else that will love you?

 

Perhaps if you try to identify what the so-called "anger" is really about, boil it down to it's bare essence - then you will know exactly what you need to face, and behind to accept - to move forward.

 

The angry heart will get you no-where. I watched over it, loved it, tried to listen to it, tried to understand it, I caressed it, I forgave it time and time again, cared for it, for 28 years - and his angry heart remains angry, there is nothing I can do. He will die with it.

 

I hope perhaps I gave you some good reasons and ideas to NOT want to be angry anymore. You are in the driver's seat. Yas

Edited October 27, 2013 by Yasuandio

[K Os]

If it helps, I found my anger got much easier to cope with when my wife moved out, and it has subsided a great deal since then. It gets better and better the further away I am from her physically. At one point I was in Russia and she was in the UK, and guess what - no anger at all

 

It is very difficult when you're under the same roof. I had to put up with this for over a year, and spent quite some time 'on the road' so as to minimize the suffering. As you put it, "you're constantly around the person who is causing you pain". That's the main source of the anger.

 

I've been reading a book by the Dalai Lama. In it he says that anger arises in three circumstances:

~ when we are in pain

~ when our loved ones are in pain, and

~ when we see our enemies happy.

 

In these situations of being dumped, before long all 3 apply. No wonder, then. Meditation has helped me. Anger is an emotion. It has no substance. It has no actual material existence. It arises like weather and goes away just the same.

 

It all gets easier when one of you moves out.

[dienstag]

Re what Yasuandio wrote - i agree with everything but seem to be missing the point 6- the answer to most of the questions is yes and divorce for most of us on this forum, so how does it help to overcome the anger?

Point 6

What is your anger really about? Divorce, ex

Are you hurt? Yes

Are you in grief? Yes

Are you lonely? Yes

Are you afraid or in fear? Yes, both

Does the future frighten you? Yes

Are you worried you'll never meet someone else that will love you?yes

 

How does it help to overcome the anger? Turn it into pain or depression if you start thinking further and realise this is what it is all about? I dont think it is better - maybe it is healthier to stay angry than depressed?

 

Now i am missing it, right?

[K Os]

I think Yas's point is this -

 

Perhaps if you try to identify what the so-called "anger" is really about, boil it down to its bare essence - then you will know exactly what you need to face, and behind to accept - to move forward.

Anger itself is blind. To see the way more clearly it can be useful to take it apart and figure out what you can do about the bits that really hurt or scare you.

 

For example -

*Does the future frighten you? Yes.

Why should it? How much of life have you been through already and done ok? This breakup is painful, but has it broken any bones? No. What's the scary part of the future? Do you know everything that's going to happen in your life? Really? And you're going to die at some point. You still get up every day anyway. Come on.

*Are you worried you'll never meet someone else that will love you? Yes.

How likely is that, really? During that last relationship, did you ever meet anyone else you were attracted to? At all? Or who was attracted to you? At all? Do you believe your emotions will never function as they used to? Really believe that? Come on.

 

Looking at your fears in more detail can really open up some doors.

 

But I also think about point 5 on the list -

 

5. How does anger help you move forward?

It does, actually, whether you notice it happening or not. It's like a kind of jet fuel that gets you out of the doldrums and helps you kick a few things into shape. And that includes your own thought processes. Use it, but don't let it control you.

 

IMHO

Edited October 28, 2013 by K Os

[K Os]

I know time heals all wounds and eventually I'll get over this, but how do you control your anger when you're constantly around the person who is causing you pain?

 

OP, I know your difficulty is the proximity. I've been there. You're right that eventually you'll come through this fine. My advice for your immediate present is to find some space alone when you feel the anger may be too much to keep the lid on. Go out for a walk, go somewhere else in the house, go into town, go and see a friend, whatever. Make space for yourself, and breathe.

[Yasuandio]

Re what Yasuandio wrote - i agree with everything but seem to be missing the point 6- the answer to most of the questions is yes and divorce for most of us on this forum, so how does it help to overcome the anger?

Point 6

What is your anger really about? Divorce, ex

Are you hurt? Yes

Are you in grief? Yes

Are you lonely? Yes

Are you afraid or in fear? Yes, both

Does the future frighten you? Yes

Are you worried you'll never meet someone else that will love you?yes

 

How does it help to overcome the anger? Turn it into pain or depression if you start thinking further and realise this is what it is all about? I dont think it is better - maybe it is healthier to stay angry than depressed?

 

Now i am missing it, right?

 

You are not missing anything! Once you know the source of the anger - face the issue or fear.

 

1. If you are hurt - you can heal in time, but you must allow yourself to feel the pain (rather than hide behind anger).

 

2. Once you begin to "feel" the pain of loss (via a death, loss of a marriage, career/job, or a limb for that matter), that pain can throw you right into stages of grieving. At first, as the theory goes, you cannot even believe what is happening - your in denial, then next anger, then stage is bargaining a way out of the situation, and finially facing the truth - acceptance. And not necessarily in that order. When you allow "the real" grieving to begin, you totally surrender yourself - it is almost a primal experience, I found. As a woman, of course it is easier to cry - but this cry was much different - it came from deeply within my gut, with dry heaves. I went totally fetal, overcome with the most agonizing cloud of mental and heartfelt pain that I never could imagine ever existed. It all came out of me - alone, and I just let it happen. Things were better once I went thru that. Short versions visited me once or twice since. But I'm pretty sure that was the real grieving.

 

3. Lonliness. The cure for loneliness is to not keep yourself isolated. I have trouble with this one. Over the years I became very reclusive. But when I do get out - I always enjoy myself. I have made friends, but I have ruined friendships also. I have bi-polar2 disease, and my behavior is sometimes unpredictable - and I lose it sometimes with people. But that means you just have to keep trying. So the good thing for you is that you don't have to worry about getting mental. The idea is, leave the house, go places, and meet people and make friends. I am doing good with the neighbors across the street. But I gotta try harder.

 

4, 5, & 6. Fear of the Future, fear of the Unknown, Will Anyone Ever Love Me Again? I think all these fall under the same catagory. You have been rejected by the person you believed you were to share your entire life with. Suddenly, the entire map of your being went up in flames - just like that, gone. First of all, what takes the greatest hit when one is rejected is the self esteem and confidence - therefore, that must be attended to immediately. That is why so much advice given out to work on yourself. A fear that one has that they are not worthy of love is not an attractive quality. So - the place to begin is to start loving yourself - and the rest will follow naturally.

 

Just a few words about fear, cause I really do understand it. My divorce took 4 years to complete. I lived in fear the entire time. Fear of things that might melodies the outcome at trial, fear of my skeletons, fear of this, fear of that. And you know, not one of my fears came to pass at the 3 day trial. Not one.

 

Recently, I got myself worried over a couple current issues, got all bent out of shape - same thing, everything I was scared about was an illusion. Fear is a product of our minds.

 

I am worried about something right now. I trying to say to myself, "everythings good, everythings fine, everything is going to turn out great."

 

Look up Worldgonewrong's story, it had a good ending. Hope this helps explain my position better for you. Yas

[Just1me]

Exercise definetely helps. Sometimes I feel so much better after. But yea, then I get home, watch TV and thankful another day of misery is over. Isn't that just the saddest? I was a lover of life, going out, having fun, traveling, trying new things. His midlife crisis made him want to trade me in for a younger coworker, and here I am. I go from angry to sad, angry to sad. I just want to be over this. No one understands. All my friends are happily married.

[SteveOToole]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I've been putting the 180 into effect and so far it's helping a lot. I have fun with the kids, I go out and do my own things socially and generally try to be happy. I still hope we can reconcile, but it's not my main focus anymore. I'm also getting over the anger at my wife for her EA with this guy (I know it wasn't a PA because she's never had the opportunity and the guy just sees her as a friend). She's said she's not gonna pursue a romantic relationship with him right now, but we'll see (she actually told me she's had a huge crush on him since the early days of our marriage, so it's more than just a fling she wants). I'm still upset that our relationship meant more to me than it did to my wife, but I have to accept that she's just not the person I thought she was and move on with my life. She may yet come around (the fact that she doesn't want me to move out or file for divorce is a positive sign, right?) but I think I'll be fine either way.

[Solcita2]

I think the reason she doesn't want to divorce or move out is because the family you both created together is a back up plan... she doesn't have the courage to persue a relationship with the other guy because if she does and he rejects her (which is more than likely) she will be f*cked up, specially because he sees her only as a friend... but this is not just an EA, she had a crush on this guy for your entire marriage...

 

I think if she ever gives up on the guy or he rejects him, wether you take her back or not is up to you...