Rugby15 Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 Hi- I'm looking for some advice. I recently found out through a text that my wife of 17 years is having an affair with her boss. The whole thing is eating me up. I've asked calmly "are you having an affair?" Which she denied. My question is, I have bugged her car and recorded incriminating evidence supporting my suspicions. I'm living with hard proof. I don't want a divorce, but if I have to threaten her with it I will. If I present the evidence she'll quickly turn it on me that I don't trust her. If she admits to the affair, I get what I think I want, but it seems it'll be the last nail in the coffin for our marriage, which I don't want. Make sense? PLEASE HELP Link to post Share on other sites
nbman Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 Unfortunatly, you have to confront her. She won't be happy, and will do her best to make it your fault, but you absolutly cannot live with this knowledge and not do something about it. It will tear you apart on the inside and anger, resintment, and hostility will become your daily mood. Act now! Like a band-aide! Rip that sucker off and get this out in the open. How to go about it is the trick. You have to approach it calm and cool. You cannot call her names, yell, or allow yourself to become weak. You need to be practicle.. " I have the following proof.. We are grownups and have been married 17 years and it is time to be accountable for our own decisions, so I need you to tell me exactly what has been going on." If she continues to deny, you need to accept at face value, walk away, and immidiatly strat protecting your assets, finances, passwords, and other valuable things you need to secure should the Sh%^$ hit the fan! Call for a consultation with a lawyer and prepare an escape plan. If she confesses, then you have a long road to travel. She has to quit her job and you guys have to get in counselling. You could sue the company as sleeping with the boss is a form of harrassment from her boss, and is usually against all company policies unless fully disclosed and approved by HR. If she can't quit do to financial reasons, she needs to report to the company and have her job shifted to another boss so they have no more contact. This is tricky, and you have to do what works in your situation. You will hear a lot about the 180 on LS. Start looking over it now, and start working on yourself. Your instincts will be to feel sorry for yourself, and you will loose many nights sleep to your insicurities. There is no easy way out of this situation. You have to decide what you want, regardless of what she wants. Hopefully you will want the same thing, and can work through this. ( I am a firm believer in reconcilliation and against divorce) Remember, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make her love you... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 My STBXH tried to turn it on me when I confronted him - you don't trust me. My reply was yes, and I was right. Had you not been doing anything then I would be feeling guilty for not trusting you but since you are not trustworthy, I guess it is on you. I understand that you might not want a divorce but do you want a marriage based on lies and cheating. You must confront her and either she wants to work it out or she wants out. Unfortunately, it is not always our decision, many times they make the decision for us. So sorry you are going through this. Just know you are not alone and keep posting. You will get a lot of support from people who have been through it and understand what you are feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Jstub Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 Do you see how your insecurities are already coming through? YOU find out that she is having an affair. YOU don't want to confront her because YOU may lose her? Are you really saying that to yourself? Why would you want to keep a cheating wife??? I am not saying divorce her - I am saying confront her RIGHT NOW - and let HER FEEL that she will lose YOU. She is the one in the wrong here - NOT YOU. Any chance of this working out, starts with you putting your foot down right away. I don't care if you are the worst a**hole of a husband there is on this planet. I don't care if you are not attentive to her needs. She does not have the right to cheat. She has the right to LEAVE, or talk to you about how unhappy she is - but cheating is 100% on her. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Grow a pair, stop feeling like an inferior being and tell her you will NOT put up with this sh*t. She does not respect you - if she had ANY respect for you, she wouldn't be spreading it. That's your harsh reality my friend. You need to take charge of your life and DO NOT BE NEEDY. If she ends up leaving, then good riddance - you deserve better than that, no matter how old you are. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 Dont be a doormat. DO NOT be a doormat. Leave her, is my advice. Leave her, and then when she asks why. Tell her... Thats simply it Because, after reading your post, I think She'll either leave you or keep on cheating, so grow a pair of balls, and do what you have to do 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bluesandy Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 (edited) I agree with Assada... Mine left me for her boss last february when I was away for my business... I was with her for 23 years with 3 girls.. What I found out afterward is they were very close for 2 years, but don't know when their relationship effectivley started... May be 3 to 6 months before the split. He was married as well, left his family and they leaved together till june then they had a big fight and are now separated.. Seeing each other to work and living together is to different things, and they learned it the hard way... So be careful, letting that thing going on is a no brainer, you gonna loose. That's hard, but even if they split, she will probably redo it with someone else cause she is not truthful anymore.... Just go away from her, far away, it is my advice... Since I have met someone else and even more happy with my new girl... I kept the house and my girls as well, and she lives by herself... So your options are: tell her your truth, and she will get so angry and so in love with her boss that she will want to leave.. Good point for you, cause you can keep your house and kids, especially if they are old enough. Or she is desesperated and tell you she will leave her boss and come back only for you. If you choose this solution, make sure she will change her job, and preferably, you will have to move in another city... Good luck... better in my shoes now, 8 months after, than yours now.. Courage... Edited October 24, 2013 by Bluesandy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jolly Roger Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 Jstub really nailed me on his post. I went "needy"... Sure did, and it DROVE HER AWAY LIKE I WAS A FRESH PILE! Later on, you hate yourself too. Don't be needy! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rugby15 Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 Thanks for everyone's comments, all very helpful. When I confront her with the bugged recordings she'll try to turn it on me as not trusting her. Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 (edited) Tell her that is one of the consequences of lying and cheating - you are then not trusted. I am sorry but I do not get the logic in their argument. Are they really trying to say that us not trusting them is a bigger deal than their cheating and lying? As I said before mine tried that on me, but I just turned it right back on him. He gave me the reason to doubt him and I just followed my instincts. It is not my fault that he decided to become an untrustworthy scumbag. As I read on someone's signature on one of the forums I read, "Trust starts with truth and ends with truth." How did you find the original text that told you she was having an affair? Have you been a jealous, untrusting spouse before this? Edited October 31, 2013 by littlejaz Link to post Share on other sites
K Os Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Another quote from someone's signature here - "The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." Probably applies to your situation. Sorry you're facing this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Thanks for everyone's comments, all very helpful. When I confront her with the bugged recordings she'll try to turn it on me as not trusting her. Trust me. You will be the bad guy in her eyes. It's actually pretty hilarious, although while it's happening it's hard to appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Why bother confronting her? You have proof. File now and move on with your life. F her. Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I just want you to be aware that if/when you go to court and get a divorce, the evidence that you gathered yourself will probably not work in your favor legally and will probably work against you. If you want to gather real, actionable evidence, you will need to invest the money to hire a licensed private investigator. Having the inadmissible evidence that you gathered, it will be easy (read cheaper) for him/her to gather evidence that you can use in court. I am just trying to look out for you, my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 The only thing that makes sense is to get rid of the lying, cheating spouse! You have no foundation for your marriage! SHE has ruined it! No need to continue living with the liar who's willing to betray you and play you for the fool! Tell her you know - tell her the bag is packed and the locks are changed - it's time for her to exit NOW - it's over because she's ruined it with great purpose by not being honest and faithful to you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I just want you to be aware that if/when you go to court and get a divorce, the evidence that you gathered yourself will probably not work in your favor legally and will probably work against you. If you want to gather real, actionable evidence, you will need to invest the money to hire a licensed private investigator. Having the inadmissible evidence that you gathered, it will be easy (read cheaper) for him/her to gather evidence that you can use in court. I am just trying to look out for you, my friend. Well, depending on where he lives (assuming he's in the US), it probably won't matter either way. Most states are no-fault, so it would be irrelevant. Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I'd post your complete story in the infidelity section of this board. There is a lot of advice over there about this sort of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Well, depending on where he lives (assuming he's in the US), it probably won't matter either way. Most states are no-fault, so it would be irrelevant. My particular state has "no-fault" but it takes two years physical separation before divorce is possible. Showing cause can happen immediately (as fast as the courts can act). Also showing cause is very relevant with respect to monetary awards and custody. Lastly presenting evidence that the BS collected themselves can be portrayed as a hostile action by the WS. Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 If you have not already revealed your sources, don't let her know how you know, just that you know. Until she is truthful with you, then you have no compunction to reveal your sources. You need a game plan no matter which way this goes. Things to consider for reconciliation is gaining access to all media and passwords, changing job, report OM to HR and his wife. She also needs to be honest,forthcoming and participate in counselling. If she is not contrite then I suggest you seek legal advice, separate finances and come up with a plan to move forward without her. Link to post Share on other sites
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