H is moving out . . . On our anniversary

[melissag]

Wow. When he said it's time for him to be selfish, he wasn't kidding. He is going to move out on our 11th wedding anniversary. And is surprised that I don't plan to be there.

 

What an ass. I'm not saying anything about it (I assume therefore there will be no acknowledgement that it is our anniversary at all), as I am sure it will only give him more ammo to remind himself why he is leaving me. Also, I am letting him do his thing and forcing him to make his own decisions and own them. I suppose he will want to tell the kids on Halloween?

 

In the meantime all I can do is flip him off to his back when he leaves the room (sorry, I can act mature but sometimes just gotta get it out) and laugh at how stupid all of this is.

[ForeverHopeful1]

Oh my. I am so sorry. People friggin suck. I am not sure what started all this but hope you can find a way to manage this situation so your children arent dealing with 2 parents who dont get along. For them, keep your head up, Chicky!!! This sucks!!!

 

What is his reason for leaving?

[Movingforward2]

Wow. When he said it's time for him to be selfish, he wasn't kidding. He is going to move out on our 11th wedding anniversary. And is surprised that I don't plan to be there.

 

What an ass. I'm not saying anything about it (I assume therefore there will be no acknowledgement that it is our anniversary at all), as I am sure it will only give him more ammo to remind himself why he is leaving me. Also, I am letting him do his thing and forcing him to make his own decisions and own them. I suppose he will want to tell the kids on Halloween?

 

In the meantime all I can do is flip him off to his back when he leaves the room (sorry, I can act mature but sometimes just gotta get it out) and laugh at how stupid all of this is.

 

Hang in there.....my ex filed the day after our anniversary.

[dumped2013]

Hang in there M. I did not even acknowledge our anniversary during the D. It was final right before her birthday.

[LuvsTrucks2]

Be strong and try to keep yourself busy. Again, I'm sorry you are going through this. Our anniversary is next Wednesday and I'm sure I will be on LS posting away to cope. We are here for you.

[Misadventure]

Mel, I am so sorry honey. He is a selfish arse....flip him off privately or even to his face if you must... do what makes you feel better since he is.

 

Focus on you. Please see him for what he is...I know it hurts.

[TrappedWanderer]

Ugh...I'm so sorry Melissa Why is it the ones walking away always seem to choose the time that just hurts the worst?? Like salt in the already-open wound.

 

Hang in there. Maybe make sure you two talk about when and how you're going to tell the kids, so he doesn't just up and surprise them?

 

I just shipped my stuff out today and, while it's a bit painful to see the apartment so empty...it also has given me a sense of forward movement.

 

I hope that you having some say/control in as much as is possible will bring you that same confidence.

[littlejaz]

If you can handle it, I think I would be there when he starts - dressed to the nine - and then walk out. Show him that 2 can play his game.

[melissag]

In his defense (WHY must I defend him?) it just so happened that our anniversary falls on a Saturday and the weekend he plans to move out. I don't think he planned it on purpose. But the offense of course is that he is doing it anyway and doesn't seem to care.

 

I really feel like these people are just completely crazy. He must be living in lala land or something . . . he is surprised I have been in therapy since he dropped the bomb, he thought I would be here (??) when he moves out? ("Oh, I guess I hadn't really thought of the logistics . . . .") He thinks the children will be just fine, and everyone will be happier. (Um, no, only YOU will be happier.) He thinks we will just tell everyone that things just didn't work out, and we still care about each other as friends and think the other is a great parent. (Are we celebrities now?) What kind of delusional fantasy is this where he decides the grass is greener, but says he wants to come through this with "integrity and honor."

 

There was a point where I thought that he might at least show some emotion when we tell the kids, but I'm pretty convinced at this point that's not going to happen - he will tell himself that they are upset, sure, but they will get over it. He is really good at telling himself things lately. Wow. Who stole my H and replaced him with a zombie??

 

FH1, the dumb part about it is that we get along great! The kids are going to be stunned. Even since he dropped the bomb, he hangs around all the time and we do family stuff and laugh and everything is great. (Then right before he goes to sleep on the couch, we have our nightly discussion of details like what apartment he is renting and stuff.) No - no matter how mad or hurt I get, I will *NOT* hurt my children - I will get along with H if it kills me.

 

TW, he won't say anything to the kids without me. I know you all think I am dumb and too trusting, but he truly is a good guy and cares a lot about the kids. He won't hurt them like that. (Why am I saying that, he is hurting them by this whole stupid D thing to begin with. Ugh.)

 

LJ, I will do my best! I have been GAL, looking good, acting happy . . . so far apparently he just thinks that means that he's off scot free, I guess. I'm not sure if I can overcome the emotion of him actually moving out - we'll see. I mean, I have only allowed myself to even imagine it one time, and it was pretty overwhelming just thinking about it - are we going to get up in the morning and have our family breakfast, clean up the kitchen, and then I take the kids somewhere and we say, "Bye, Dad!" like nothing is up? How do you stand there and watch someone just take all of their stuff (and your heart) and leave the house you bought/built to raise your family? How does someone even DO that??????

 

Thanks for all the responses. This is unbearably tough stuff we are all going through, and I hope at some point I can help some of you the way you have helped me.

[TrappedWanderer]

I didn't mean to imply that he would purposely go and talk to them without you. I just meant that, like you've been saying, he maybe hasn't *really* thought about that conversation. (oh, we'll just tell them daddy i leaving for a bit but we love them and everything will be fine kinda thoughts)

 

I think it would be a good idea just to mention to him that you guys should have a quick chat about when, where, and how you're going to tell the kids...that way YOU are also prepared. As you've mentioned, that will likely be one of the hardest parts of this whole process. So just make sure you are as ready for it as you can be. That's not the time you want any surprises.

 

HUGS

[UpwardForward]

There's no 'integrity and honor' in what he's doing.. that's reserved for when people are working on their marriage. Also no 'integrity and honor' in his dismissive attitude regarding the feelings of his family.

 

I promise you and witnessing from what I've been through - this is a low point, but there will be much light at another time.

[dienstag]

OMG! What a mess?! You are basically pretending all the time, beeing GAL and he is ignoring you and walking all over your life and your feelings and you call him a really nice guy?.???

If this is what the therapists advise these days maybe it is good i have no time for therapy.

Sorry i did not want to offend you but you need to think about your needs and your feelings and your life and YOU. You are important

How can you two get along great when you are suffering so much and he is hurting you? This is illusion

I know what you mean about getting along with your exH for kids' sake and i do - mainly in writing and in a very business like manner but he has no doubt aboutmy real feelings towards him and i use every opportunity (when kids r not around) to remind him what a bastard he is. Works for me

Sorry just wanted to share my opinion

[Mr. Lucky]

In his defense (WHY must I defend him?) it just so happened that our anniversary falls on a Saturday and the weekend he plans to move out. I don't think he planned it on purpose.

You're still at the stage where you're seeing him as you wish and/or want him to be rather than how he's really presenting himself. Nobody "accidentally" moves out on their anniversary as the potential for hurt would be obvious to anyone paying attention. So his intent in further creating distance between you should be obvious.

 

In a contact sport where someone is about to hit you, you pull in and clench for protection. And that's exactly what you should be doing here - minimizing contact and interaction with him, maintaining physical distance (I hope you have separate sleeping quarters!) and scaling back your involvement. You need to survive this transition period fully functioning for you and your kids, that's the highest priority. Away from the kids, I wouldn't give him the time of day...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr. Lucky

[melissag]

Thanks, Mr. L. It turns out he was planning to move out the day before our anniversary (I made an assumption that he meant Saturday when he said "next weekend" but was apparently incorrect.) Anyway, he's now pushed it back to the following Monday. Yes (other than a few nights), we have separate sleeping quarters. I think I am seeing him fairly accurately, actually. He feels very hurt by me and doesn't trust that I would be different if he stays. He is at the point where he can't see past the hurt I have caused him. He doesn't see clearly the hurt he is causing his family. He doesn't see how it could ever work between us. And he really doesn't seem to see his contribution to our marital problems. So I guess I can say, "oh well, too bad," or I can act in a way that maybe might help him see something other than what he sees right now. He has said that he feels that we cannot go back to where we were before (I happen to agree, it wasn't good); that we need to start a new relationship as friends and see where it goes. It's not my ideal situation (my ideal would be he stays and goes to MC), but I have two choices. I can try that and see how it goes, or I can say forget it. I just can't see why I would say forget it. What is the upside to that?

 

dienstag,

He is not ignoring me by any means. He is with me and the kids (oftentimes just me, even when kids are not around) all the time. He told me the other day he feels like s.h.i.t. about all this and that he is dreading moving out and thinks it will be awful. And honestly, GAL and 180ing has made a big difference in our house. At the beginning, when I was being pathetic and begging him to stay, it clearly made things worse, to the point that he was saying purposely mean things. Since then he has contradicted all of those things, except of course for the big one - he is moving out. To each his/her own, but I just can't see any point in telling him what a rat bastard he is. I don't feel OK just saying, "OK, you want a D, see ya." No. I'm not there yet. I am DBing with the hopes of saving my M. Do I have a lot of faith it will work? No. But what are the alternatives? Sure, I can scream at him and burn his clothes and tell him how much I hate him (which I don't, although I am very angry). I can cry and beg and plead. But what good will either of those do? It won't change anything, and I won't feel good about myself. GAL and 180ing are to try to save the M, yes, but they are also for ME. Whatever happens in the end, I will at least know that (1) I did everything I could to save my family; and (2) I acted in a way that I can be proud of.

[lindsay1990]

In his defense (WHY must I defend him?) it just so happened that our anniversary falls on a Saturday and the weekend he plans to move out. I don't think he planned it on purpose. But the offense of course is that he is doing it anyway and doesn't seem to care.

 

I really feel like these people are just completely crazy. He must be living in lala land or something . . . he is surprised I have been in therapy since he dropped the bomb, he thought I would be here (??) when he moves out? ("Oh, I guess I hadn't really thought of the logistics . . . .") He thinks the children will be just fine, and everyone will be happier. (Um, no, only YOU will be happier.) He thinks we will just tell everyone that things just didn't work out, and we still care about each other as friends and think the other is a great parent. (Are we celebrities now?) What kind of delusional fantasy is this where he decides the grass is greener, but says he wants to come through this with "integrity and honor."

 

There was a point where I thought that he might at least show some emotion when we tell the kids, but I'm pretty convinced at this point that's not going to happen - he will tell himself that they are upset, sure, but they will get over it. He is really good at telling himself things lately. Wow. Who stole my H and replaced him with a zombie??

 

 

 

I feel this happens with extremely immature or extremely non-self-aware people (like my ex). It's as if they're okay with splitting up and expect you to be as well, like if *their* feelings change, they assume yours have to have *changed* too.

 

Couple with this:

He doesn't see how it could ever work between us. And he really doesn't seem to see his contribution to our marital problems.

 

It seems to me like he's had enough of whatever your problems were/has checked out significantly of the relationship and just cannot grasp that you don't feel the same. That's why he seems so darn clueless. I feel you, hang in there.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thanks, Mr. L. It turns out he was planning to move out the day before our anniversary (I made an assumption that he meant Saturday when he said "next weekend" but was apparently incorrect.) Anyway, he's now pushed it back to the following Monday. Yes (other than a few nights), we have separate sleeping quarters. I think I am seeing him fairly accurately, actually. He feels very hurt by me and doesn't trust that I would be different if he stays. He is at the point where he can't see past the hurt I have caused him. He doesn't see clearly the hurt he is causing his family. He doesn't see how it could ever work between us. And he really doesn't seem to see his contribution to our marital problems. So I guess I can say, "oh well, too bad," or I can act in a way that maybe might help him see something other than what he sees right now. He has said that he feels that we cannot go back to where we were before (I happen to agree, it wasn't good); that we need to start a new relationship as friends and see where it goes. It's not my ideal situation (my ideal would be he stays and goes to MC), but I have two choices. I can try that and see how it goes, or I can say forget it. I just can't see why I would say forget it. What is the upside to that?

You can't serve two masters and at some point you'll have a transition from your marriage being the priority to you and the kids being your focus. Based on his conduct, rather than getting credit for years of marriage, he'd get skepticism over the looming separation. If he's neither participating nor receptive, doesn't matter what you do. I'd never advocate going off or crazy on him, does no good and you have to parent together going forward. But you still seem dangerously vested in him and the relationship - will this continue until the moving van backs up to the door? Just be careful and protect yourself, much potential for big hurt ahead...

 

Mr. Lucky

[UpwardForward]

I have to admit, I'd rather be alone (husband-wise) than walk on eggshells - or Change.

 

It's pretty wonderful to know who you are, and live it .. All of it ..

[dienstag]

You are still hoping to save the marriage? Sorry i misunderstood the situation.

I agree with mr lucky - you put yourself in a vulnerabe position, watch out and good luck

[dienstag]

I have to admit, I'd rather be alone (husband-wise) than walk on eggshells - or Change.

 

It's pretty wonderful to know who you are, and live it .. All of it ..

 

I could sign under it - totally agree

I love being myself

[melissag]

You can't serve two masters and at some point you'll have a transition from your marriage being the priority to you and the kids being your focus. Based on his conduct, rather than getting credit for years of marriage, he'd get skepticism over the looming separation. If he's neither participating nor receptive, doesn't matter what you do. I'd never advocate going off or crazy on him, does no good and you have to parent together going forward. But you still seem dangerously vested in him and the relationship - will this continue until the moving van backs up to the door? Just be careful and protect yourself, much potential for big hurt ahead...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, I am very vested in our M. I meant everything I said in my vows, and to me, this is the "for worse." This will continue well past the point the moving van pulls up to the door. It will continue until either we reconcile or until I get tired of it and give up. I'm not a doormat kind of person by any means, so I am not worried about that. I guess what I am wondering is - what is the potential for big hurt? He has already told me he wants a D and is moving out of our family home. Is there something more hurtful that is going to happen if I try to save our M? What could that possibly be?

 

What does be careful and protect myself mean? I guess that's what I don't understand. If I give up and accept that he is leaving and everything is doomsday, am I going to be less hurt? I don't see how.

[melissag]

I could sign under it - totally agree

I love being myself

 

I see what you guys are saying. If I was a great wife and my H decided I was too this or that or not enough this or that, and wanted to change who I am, then I would feel the same way. But I do take responsibility for my part in our marital struggles. I did become, in many ways, someone I am not - interestingly, because I was trying to protect myself and not be too vulnerable. (Love that irony.) That's not who I want to be. So I am not putting on some kind of act, I am just getting my head out of my ass and being who I want to be, which happens to be someone who H (and I) likes a whole lot better.

 

As far as walking on eggshells, basically the only way I am doing that is that I am not begging him to stay, yelling at him for leaving, giving him guilt trips, or bawling my eyes out in front of him. I just don't see how any of that would help anything anyway.

[UpwardForward]

I see what you guys are saying. If I was a great wife and my H decided I was too this or that or not enough this or that, and wanted to change who I am, then I would feel the same way. But I do take responsibility for my part in our marital struggles. I did become, in many ways, someone I am not - interestingly, because I was trying to protect myself and not be too vulnerable. (Love that irony.) That's not who I want to be. So I am not putting on some kind of act, I am just getting my head out of my ass and being who I want to be, which happens to be someone who H (and I) likes a whole lot better.

 

As far as walking on eggshells, basically the only way I am doing that is that I am not begging him to stay, yelling at him for leaving, giving him guilt trips, or bawling my eyes out in front of him. I just don't see how any of that would help anything anyway.

 

At the ending of my M (& later to find he had the OW waiting), I felt as if I was being judged. With his suddenly swaying between accommodating and indifferent .. it was the loneliest time of my life.

 

In my case, freedom turned out to be best.

[melissag]

At the ending of my M (& later to find he had the OW waiting), I felt as if I was being judged. With his suddenly swaying between accommodating and indifferent .. it was the loneliest time of my life.

 

In my case, freedom turned out to be best.

 

I can see that. But I think I will know if and when it's too much to take and freedom is the better option. Yeah, maybe I will look back and say I should've done it sooner, but right now I can only do what feels right each day. If at some point it doesn't feel right any longer, I will make adjustments.

[dienstag]

Hi melissag

First to answer your question - what could be worse? In my opinion limbo, never ending long and painful separation, where divorce seems a blessing and a release

Bottom line - you are suffering and hurtting. Living in this and not knowing when this will stop , hoping for reconciliation and watching him getting along with his new life... sounds painful

I know the actual time of separation and a van feel like the highest pick of the pain but then come the time "after"

I am happy my 12 years of marriage ended and i feel free and happier but even i suffer from the "after" effect of loneliness, fear of the future, anger and blame etc but i have closed all the door and burnt the bridges. You are trying to keep something that is not there - it takes two to marriage

If he doesnt want to and made up his mind to start the new life - will you be waiting for him to realise he has made the mistake and come back to you? How long do you give him? 1 year? 3? What are you prepared to forgive and forget if he comes back to you?

[melissag]

Hi melissag

First to answer your question - what could be worse? In my opinion limbo, never ending long and painful separation, where divorce seems a blessing and a release

Bottom line - you are suffering and hurtting. Living in this and not knowing when this will stop , hoping for reconciliation and watching him getting along with his new life... sounds painful

I know the actual time of separation and a van feel like the highest pick of the pain but then come the time "after"

I am happy my 12 years of marriage ended and i feel free and happier but even i suffer from the "after" effect of loneliness, fear of the future, anger and blame etc but i have closed all the door and burnt the bridges. You are trying to keep something that is not there - it takes two to marriage

If he doesnt want to and made up his mind to start the new life - will you be waiting for him to realise he has made the mistake and come back to you? How long do you give him? 1 year? 3? What are you prepared to forgive and forget if he comes back to you?

 

Thanks for your response. I guess I am just a glutton for punishment - I feel like if at some point D feels like a blessing and a release, then I will be ready to go there and will have more peace about it. Right now it feels like a mistake and hell, and I have no peace with it.

 

I'm not waiting for him to realize he has made a mistake. I don't think it is a mistake to say goodbye to our M the way it was. I am hoping that he will see that things can be different with us and be willing to try.

 

Yes, hoping for R sounds painful, but so does saying "oh well, forget it." That sounds more painful to me right now, in fact. When I spent a few weeks trying to do that, I was a complete disaster, barely able to function. I would go to IC and she would say, well, what you are feeling is normal, you just have to feel these feelings. Well, I decided I can't wallow in feelings of wanting to drive my car over a cliff. It's too much to take. Doing something constructive and purposeful to try to save my M feels better to me, and I see no down side to it. If we do end up getting D, what have I lost? Nothing!

 

ETA: Yes, he feels so burned by our M that he is moving out. But, he has says he does still want a relationship with me (what that ultimately will be is unclear but obviously will have to start as friendship). He is not going to walk out the door and never talk to me again. He doesn't hate me. He isn't going to anyone else. (OK, nobody can know for sure, but I am 99.9% certain.)

 

I don't know how long I will hold out hope. I have to see how things go. And yes, there may be a point where I say, screw it, I don't want this anymore. I have no idea. I only know how I feel today. Same answer as forgiving and forgetting if he comes back. I don't know. I know it will get harder once we actually tell the kids, and once he actually moves out. But I just don't know how I will feel, even tomorrow. So I'm just doing the best I can today.

Edited October 28, 2013 by melissag