the dance of mars and venus?

[smile]

Soo I am in the midst of moving and when I talked to my ex on monday he asked what I was up to.. when I said moving he totally offered to help. He said I can come over tomorrow night and help so I was like ok if you want to. I let him know he didnt have to and acted like it was no big whoop either way. He said he would be there.

 

Well I get a call the next night that he has band stuff he has to do and he cant come by. I said thats no problem and he said no I will be there tomorrow I promise. So the next night comes and he calls and says more band stuff (it was true because I know the other guys in the band... and this was basically the story of our relationship- band stuff) so I said no problem and he says definitely the next night. I said thats cool but I know things come up so its ok if he cant make it. We talked for like an hour or so that night, between the phone and the comp.

 

The next night he doesnt even call.. about 8 or so I get fed up and leave. He was supposed to meet me at the old apt and had no idea where the new one was.. so I went to the new one. He called late, about 10 or so and I don't answer the phone. He leaves a sad msg that he is sorry he was a flake but he had band stuff to do.. he would come by now if I wanted him to. He said he knew he made a mistake and begged me to call him. I didnt. I was mad.

 

So about 10 minutes or so later he txts me ... just says call me. I didn't. I was still mad. Then I start to fall asleep and I wake up 30 minutes later to him calling again. I answered before I remembered I was mad.

 

He apologized profusely and went over what happened that night. He said he overscheduled and didnt anticipate stuff taking so long. He offered to come over now at 11pm to give me $$ he owed me for our phone bill. I said no its ok.

 

After we hung up I decided I was too easy on him and called him back. He was leaving the next day to play some shows out of town and wouldnt be back until monday night... so I said you can come by and pay me now, I will wait. He started to protest and say he was just getting ready for bed, but then realized he shouldn't complain because he was already in hot water.. he came by.

 

We talked for a bit and stood at the door. My aunt has been in the hospital so he knew I was sad. He just hugged me so tight and said everything is going to be ok. He just held me and hugged me tighter and tighter. Wouldnt let go. Then he started to rub my back and put his head on my shoulder. Then we started kissing.

 

He went home and said he would come by Monday or Tuesday to help me move... I laughed and said I woudnt hold my breath. He kissed me again and told me to have a great weekend. And to give his love to my family.

 

After he left he said he doesn't come over expecting these things to happen, he wants to me know that. He asked if I was ok and said he was ok. He said he really wanted to see me when he got back. He keeps asking me to go to his shows. I dont think I am ready.

 

He keeps asking me to go to his new years show.. after pouting about christmas and now asking me to new years show... hmm what is going on here?

 

Oh yeh and the NC advocates.. he is going on tour and will be gone a lot next year. He is moving 20 minutes away from me, now he is 3 minutes away, so I may not see him much this year anyway .

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm sure there is a reason he is your ex. It may be best to leave it that way, unless you are comfortable with the 'hot and cold' and 'shaky commitment'. I'm sure he loves you and cares about you, and misses you - but that doesn't mean he wants a serious committed relationship with you right now.

 

Do what is right for you. Being in a relationship with a 'band guy' is excruciating. One of my best friends is in a band that tours all over the east coast, and I have seen so many women over the years who have had their hearts crushed over these guys. A few ended up married and settled down (after the guys quit the band), but for the most part you have girls that end up crushed under the pressure of maintaining relationships with these guys. Not to mention that it really gets ugly when girls find out about girlfriends in other towns!

 

Anyhoo - there's nothing that says you can't continue to talk to him. I don't know that I would let him sleep with me whenever he felt like it, but thats totally up to you. It depends on how comfortable you are with your current relationship.

[bebop]

Do Not Sleep With Him.

 

That's all I have to say lol.

 

[smile]

I know what you mean about the band thing being rough. Thats actually part of the reason we broke up. It was too tough for me to handle.. I was going through some personal stuff and I could not cope with anything. I was too jealous and insecure... easy when you are in the midst of depression.

 

The thing is, he never cheated on me... ever never ever. His brother is also in a band and they have this crazy ( wonderful) loyalty thing that they just don't do that. I think part of the reason we broke up is because he was on the road for two weeks and afraid of what might happen when he was away from me for so long. Thinking breaking up with me would free him up and he didn't have responsibility. He wigged out seriously... wandered alone in strange cities for two weeks.. then came home and fell apart.

 

During that tour he would call and say he wanted to come home and quit the band.. he wanted to be with me. Then he would say he doesn't want to be one of those guys who snorts coke and cheats on his gf. He would call me three times a day and tell me how much he missed me and loved me... then, one day he said he wanted the band and didn't want me. This was 5 months ago.

 

I understand that at this point he does not want a relationship.he has said he knows he can't offer what I need right now. I don't want to be back there with him at this point anyway. It would be too tough on us both. I do miss him and partly wish he wasn't in a band... I want the guy who isn't busy every weekend and every weeknight. I want the guy who I can have quiet dinners with and long weekends.. not the dates at the shows and bars and practices.

 

But at the same time I fell in love with him because of his passion and his talent. He is so amazing.. artist, writer, musician, and he is soo funny and fun to be with. We broke up basically because of timing... he tried and tried to work on the relationship and get me help and when I finally started to try he had enough and gave up. That sucks.. but he always believed in me and we spoke so much about everything. We still do... it's incredible.

 

I think the stress of it all , combined with out emotional issues, just broke us. I feel we are in the midst of healing right now. I have no idea what it will become. I know what I wish for in the back of my mind and my heart.... but I also am happy that we are back as friends. We seriously talk about how at home we feel with one an other. Just so easy to be honest and be ourselves... we had lost that in the last few months of our relationship.

 

I dunno am I crazy? Jumping ship now seems so stupid. I know we shouldn't have sex ... and we are working on that, its just really tough ya know? It just seems so beautiful when we are talking and when we are together.. but the leaving at the end of the night is so excruciating, even hanging up the phone or ending IM conversations.... he seems so sad as he walks away/ says goodbye. But the time we spend together makes me happy... is that him regretting seeing me? regretting leaving me? wishing things were different? or what? .. any ideas?

 

p.s.

he initiates the conversations and

the visits. He says I can call him

whenever I want to, but it's

mostly him calling.

[smile]

In my head I know that everything is going to happen the way it is supposed to happen. I know that I am happy with what I have and that we are friends and honest and thats great. But sometimes I just want to scream

 

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! WE CAN WORK IT OUT , WE CAN DO ANYTHING TOGETHER.... AACKKK TAKE DOWN THOSE DAMN WALLS AND JUST LOVE ME DAMNITT!

 

It's ok to feel that everyonceinawhile right? I mean as long as I don't let it affect my willingness to be his friend... there are also those moments when I just want to tell him to leave off and walk away... but I love him... I know thats dumb and weak.. but I mean I can't help the way I feel...

 

Dumb girl.... dumb dumb girl

[mischafan160]

Oh honey, you're not a dumb girl! You're quite normal

 

Are you sure being friends with him is the best thing for you? Sounds like the contact is driving you a little crazy. I wonder if you might be more likely to find mental peace if you didn't see/talk to him for a while.

[Universe]

I'm a songwriter and have a band that consumes most of my life. It was a tension in the relationship. But that's not really why we broke up. I never cheated on my ex. Not on tour, not ever. I think most guys in bands do. But it's ususally pretty obvious (or should be) to the girls that they are that kind of guy before it happens.

I was also in a long distance relationship on and off for about 3 years with my ex. Spending long periods of time apart is extremely hard and can really damage a relationship. But it can also make it stronger in some ways. You really have to be careful what kind of dynamic you're setting yourself up for when doing long distance.

 

Regardless, the point I wanted to make... My band is my life, basically. It's all I want to do. If I can't make a living doing music, I won't live. But I've kept it in perspective. I always made time for my girlfriend no matter what was happening in the band. The thing about bands is that they are a bottomless pit. You have to force yourself to take time off if you really love the girl. It was a little easier for me because the other guys in the band had girlfriends too. But if you don't make the time, you'll just get sucked ever further into the abyss of the music industry. It is truly a black hole. I hate it. But I love music. But love is the reason for the music even if the music isn't specifically about love.

 

That thing about him not helping you move is just stupid. All he was doing, effectively, was showing you very clearly what is important to him... his band, not you. My band needs me. My music needs me. But when my girl needs me, she wins (or did before she left me). She's the reason for the music. If he can't see it that way, then he's either too confused for you to waste your time with him, or he doesn't love you enough.

 

I don't think you should have kissed him. That doesn't seem fair. He flakes out on you like that and jerks you around and then he gets to make out with you before he leaves to tour. That's BS. If he wants to see you, make him fight for it.

 

That's all from me for now.

 

All the best.

[smile]

Before the breakdown he was there for me like crazy. It was great esp because now that I look back my gigantic Mexican family is also very consuming and I expected him to be there for all of it.. he did a great job but I never fully respected that the band thing was like family obligation... it was hard. Me, then my family(who expects him to be there) and his family (who expect the same) and then the band, my friends, his friends, then I teach ballet so then theres productions and stuff I wanted him there for... I mean I guess a person can feel pulled apart.

 

He couldnt be here last week, I understand that. Yeh maybe the make out wasnt deserved but I needed soem warm fuzzies so i kinda used him too. He txted me from LA and called and came over the night he got home.

 

He visited an exgf when he was gone... and kept making sure I understood that nothing happened between them. That they would always just be friends. I didnt even ask or act jealous or anything... he just wanted me to know. And also to know that his other ex called him and he didnt answer because he had nothing to say to her... ever.

 

We went shopping for his boss's xmas gift and we just had the best time wreaking havoc on target. We laughed and hung out. He hung out at my apt and played the guitar and sang songs. I have to go he just got here .. helping me finish moving this time to make up for last time.... got to go ..byeeeee*****

 

Thanks for your words and advice. Keep it comming thanks

 

so why kiss me and hug me and let me know he isnt interested in anyone else? why want to hang out with me if I am not what he wants.... could he be changing his mind? why else do you say you arent seeing anyone else...aarrgghhhhh.... happy holidays

[smile]

He came and helped me move this time.. went on and on about how he had decided to become celibate. So I was like thats cool.. we get to the old apt and then he just pushes me in a corner and yeh ok bad idea we had sex. I know it was wrong but girls have needs too. The only downside to that is this girls needs are being met to a minimum by the guy who used to be my everything.

 

We laid around and talked for a while about how people shouldn't be afraid of others and how they should just stop giving other ppl the power in their life and just say what they feel. All hypothetical mind you.

 

He goes on and on about how the ppl (usually the girls) he talks to or encounters lately are all so stupid. He brings up stuff about when we were together like "oh how old was I when we met? " or "did you wear that sweater when we went to the park that day?" Does that mean anything ?

 

I don't know. We have so much fun when we are together. And we laugh and talk. He has already said to me that he can't find anyone he relates to like he can me...

 

I guess now is when I have done all I can. I hate the feeling when he leaves. I want him to stay and sleep with me. He always says "i have to go home" and then reluctantly goes. Would it have mattered if I asked him to stay?

 

Was he trying to get me to understand that he wants me to know he wants nothing more than what we are doing.. or does he want me to let him know what I want .. maybe he wants it too?

 

Do I go away now and be busy and make him fight for what he wants? Or do I hang around more and be supportive?

 

I dunno it feels like I almost have it ya know? and that scares me ... because what if I dont?

 

help.... please ********

[LucreziaBorgia]

That 'celibate' thing is pretty interesting. It sounds like a case of the flesh being willing and the mind being weak. It sounds like he was trying to make a feeble attempt at cutting off even the sexual part with you, but caved in at the last second.

 

I think you have reached the limits of possibility with this relationship for now. I'm sure that he cares about you, but it doesn't sound like he can give you the sort of relationship you need from him. You'll need to decide what is best for you. Do you want to hang on, knowing that it will pretty much always be like this - or do you move on?

 

I think you are being as supportive as you can. The ball is in his court now though, and you can't make his shots for him. He's going to have to figure it out on his own. I think if you do stay busy, occupy your time, and do some things to fill up the hole in your heart you'll find yourself slowly moving on. I don't know what he will do, but if you decide to move on you'll need to accept the possibility that he will too - it sounds like he is sort of hoping that will happen.

 

You'll need to tell him your intentions though, so you are both on the same page.

[smile]

ok so what made you think that he is hoping i move on? i mean i thought him offering to help me move, reminiscing about when we were together and vehemently letting me know that he isnt with anyone else and everyone he talks to is dumb and uninteresting was sort of the opposite of wanting me to move on.... i dont know

 

we seriously have the best talks after we have sex.. dumb I know. It makes me sad that I am not sure we can ever be friends. I can't say no and he says he can't help wanting me whenever he is around... that sucks because he is the one person that I enjoy being with more than anyone else.

 

And he is asking to borrow things long term.. i thought that was odd. He is moving to a house on a farm and i no longer have a backyard so he asked if he could use my garden stuff (shovel etc) just until i need it. We did that before with stuff... I still have his blender.

 

I think my being around makes him feel like he is in a relationship..... but I am not sure he wants to feel that way all the time. I think he needs to lose me now that he is begining to appreciate me... so he can see that I won't settle... I don't mean away away I mean like you said... being busy.

 

I am worried about "out of sight out of mind" but what can I do about that ? Some days I am so worried about saying or doing the wrong thing I have no idea how I feel...

 

I wish this was fixed and we were old and laughing about it to our grandkids....

[Universe]

Don't worry about out of sight out of mind. It's bullsh*t. It's an absurd notion that one only need worry about if they were with someone for a short period of time, and even then it's useless to worry about it. Prior to my current ex, I dated a girl who I was totally smitten with. We broke up after only a few months together and I went crazy trying to get her back. I remember one of the things I kept torturing myself with was this notion of out of sight out of mind. It's like - you want the person to have to miss you but you don't want them to forget you. But the cold hard truth of it is it doesn't matter. You have to stay away regardless. If they're going to forget you like that, then they don't deserve you. It's that simple. The warm soft truth to this notion is that chances are extremely low that they will just forget all about you if there was any substance to your relationship at all. And for you it sounds like there was. So don't worry about out of sight out of mind. You just need to stay out of sight.

I think he needs to lose me now that he is begining to appreciate me... so he can see that I won't settle... I don't mean away away I mean like you said... being busy.

I'm actually in the same place as you right now. Today is my first full on day of indefinite No Contact (which is as you define it, just being busy...I would add: too busy to hang out or really talk.) I just reached an impasse. I'd posted questions on here asking when I should start NC. Everyone always would just say immediately. I couldn't listen to them at the time because I felt my situation called for a different approach. I still believe that and don't regret hanging out with my ex for the past couple weeks. But now my body is telling me to stop. And I'm listening.

 

It's strange. I feel like you really have to trust your instincts. The hard part is distinguishing your instincts from your impulses. They are two very different things that come from very different parts of the self. But they are easily confused. But my instinct right now is NC. It seems that your instinct is saying the same thing. If not, it definitely seems like it should be. Having sex with him was a pretty bad idea. But as long as your honest with yourself about it and know what it really meant then you should be ok. You've given yourself to him and he knows he can take it now free of charge. So don't let him cheapen you like that anymore.

I've been going through this confusion where I was wondering if open relationships should be the norm. Becuase individual sexual acts are for the most part fairly meaningless. So I considered that maybe my monogomous approach to life was possibly a lie I was telling myself.

Certainly polygomy works for a lot a people and that's perfectly fine. But I've decided that if you're with me then you are with ME. So I'm not having sex with my ex until she's WITH ME. I know that's easy for me to say having not had the opportunity to have sex with my ex since the break. I certainly would have slept with her right up until yesterday. But that period is over now and it's time for her to come after me.

 

Sorry for going on and on about my own stuff on your thread. But I feel that you and I are in similar places in our break ups. And it sounds like it's time for your to go NC, like you said. So I just thought showing you my experience at the moment could be encouraging.

 

I think if you do stay busy, occupy your time, and do some things to fill up the hole in your heart you'll find yourself slowly moving on.

 

It truly is time to fill up the hole in your heart with things that will complete your person in a way no one other than you can. That's what I plan to do and I already feel more empowered and focussed.

 

All the best.

[smile]

Hey thanks Universe. I appreciate your comments because the dymanics of a relationship with someone in a band are different. I had a hard time realizing that while we were together. I wanted the typical M-F 40 hr a week working guy's schedule.. I wanted him to be there like everyone else's bf was there.. but when he was here he was better than all of them combined.. i couldn't see it and it sucks

 

I was out of his life for a while.. when he had a new gf. But after two months of intermittent conversations he started calling me and IMing me.. we talked almost everyday. He was open and talked to me like when we first started dating. And then when they broke up he acted sad but doesn't seem so sad to me at all.

 

He talks about how he stil isn't over us. He calls me and asks me to shop with him for his boss' gift.. he asks what i am doign for new years and christmas.. he asks why i dont go to shows... so i am unsure about so much.

 

He seems to be holding back to me.. Like he lets go and lets himself be with me completely and then he uses some jacked up philosophy or something dumnb to confuse it all. Not even like heart to heart talk but more like I am talking just to talk stuff.

 

He is happy to be with me and if two days go by he finds a reason to call or IM.. I just don't understand what is happening.

 

If he is reconsidering then my being busy may force his hand? If he isnt then my being busy may make him go away completely. Either way I am out of this limbo. The sad thing is he is here now (sorta) so I dont wanna change it... but he had this huge philosphical discussion with me about risk.. and how people are too afraid of people and they dont take risks. They just pretend to be content with the status quo and they dont push. But so hypthetical...

 

I am afraid of pushing. I dont want him to go away. But i don't want this anymore. I do when he is here but when he is gone it sucks.. I dont have that warm "he loves me " feeling.. I have this sick "what the hell was that about" feeling.

 

so do i just stay busy and let him wonder? and what about christmas.. he says his whole family is going to be gone and a couple of weeks ago i invited him to come here and hang out with me (my family celebrates xmas eve). He hasn't said anything so do I expect him to come.. or ask closer to xmas or not talk to him at all and plan as if he wasnt comming ?

[smile]

Last night he called me and asked if he could come over. He came and we chatted about stuff. Dumb stuff. But then about band stuff. How he was scared about being gone for 2 months in a row and how he wigged out when he was gone for 3 weeks (thats when he broke up with me)

 

We talked about a friend we have who is having issues with his gf being clingy and not understanding band stuff. He said .. they will be together she just has to wait until he is famous first.I said that was dumb and if it was going to work they needed to agree to WORK on it.. then he smiled and agreed.

 

Then today he went on and on about how he hates the scene and how everyone is so superficial and lame. How all he wants is honesty. The funny thing about that is when were together I was so worried that he wanted a scenester kinda girl... and I am not that. He used to say he loved me because I was his honesty I was what kept him grounded. When he left me he fell into that scenester thing and dated one of those girls.. but he soon started to look for that connection, that realness with me.

 

He seems to be comming around to who he was and that makes me happy. He says he wants to be able to hold on to honesty, he just wants honesty. He started calling me some of the pet names he used to... not babe or honey but like pal and buddy and just goofy things..I know those arent exactly romantic but they were sweet to me

 

Could it be that he is comming around? Or am I just reading too much?

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Smile,

 

I hope for you and for all of us reading your threat that you guys get back together and he is coming around.

 

To me it certainly sounds like he cares about you a lot, calls you nearly every day, always comes over to see you and be with you, calls you his honesty,...

 

It all sounds very good to me. If you guys had just met, would not that be the perfect start of a new relationship?

 

I wish you all the best. Keep doing what you are doing, obviously it is working

[nan]

Smile,

You went to my posting and said that you were in the same situation as me, so I wanted to see what your situation was. Our situation seems very very similar. My ex is also in the music scene. He's not in a band but he makes beats for local hip hop groups, sell beats and also is a dj. He spends almost every waking minute on it. He was very good at making time for me when we were together, however, but there were also the times when he would just sit on his computer for hours at a time making music and not coming to bed, or sitting in bed making music. He is very good at what he does and I am very happy for him, but that doesn't make it easy on you sometimes. You sounded like when you broke up, you were very strong from the beggining. I was not. I did the begging, pleading, all the stupid crap that never really works, but I did anyways. Then after I realized this approach wasn't working I became strong, like you are. In the beginning of your post you said that you were depressed and he stuck by you through it, but finally when you were getting better he left. I too have been quite depressed for a little over a year and I feel your pain. My step dad commited suicide last Christmas, and I've been dealing with other things from my past that I just pushed under the rug that came back to bite me in the a**. Maybe he wants to know that you'll be alright on your own. I became so deep into my depression that I was leaning on him for everything and it wasn't fair to either of us. Maybe he wants to know that you will be able to be happy with yourself, and be worth it to yourself. This is what my ex has said to me so many times but I guess I never took it seriously. Like you, I have sooo much fun just being around him and laughing and enjoying his company. It's so hard to tell if you should be friends or not. I think that in your heart you know what's right for you, and if you are not ready to lose him completely, then don't. It sounds like he pursues you and enjoys your company. He says things like no one compares to you, everyone else seems so artificial, these are things that my ex says to me too. As far as the kissing, I think that no one should tell you what's right or wrong because sometimes your feelings get the best of you and sometimes you have to go with that. My ex and I have had similar incidents and I don't think honestly that they are trying to use us, but they just get caught up. Like you, we share hugs long tight hugs where he tells me everything is going to be alright. He still calls me sweetie, looks into my eyes....all the things that your ex does for you. I'm sorry for writing so much about myself on your posting. I just wanted to let you know that I am in the same situation and it sucks, but also it is what it is. I think he still really does love you and I'm not sure he knows what he's doing or looking for. maybe at the end of the day it's just you! I know that he loves his music, but it sounds like he loves you too. I guess I'm not really in any position to give you any certain advise as I am in the same place. This is more of a "I'm there with you, I feel your pain, and I hope things work out the way they should." I hope I can hear more from you. Hang in there!

[strange love]

Wow I read about you and Nan's boyfriends. i can totally see myself in them.

 

I have my own retail bussiness,im not in the music biz like those guys(although been thinking about it lately as a side project) and I have other things im branching out in I know my biggest complaint from the women in my life was always "you dont really make time for

me, I wanted to see you more, you dont really care, etc.. suck at the realtionship part, but really good at the sex part (canned laughter) I can see your pain, how much you care and how crazy for the guy you both are, the devotion, and it makes me so sad I want to cry. I totally been going over in my head the way I was in the relationship.

 

I just feel like both of you are doing well. But as I say that im thinking what makes me as the type of guy, get my act more together. I think I tend to have a habit of not clueing in until I feel I might lose the girl. I think it has to be a combination, of sorta NC and throwing the dog a bone here and there...

And also if you could determine what made him break up with you in the first place. I know I had one ex, she was awesome but there were a few things that she did that I just had enough of. I guess if she worked on those I would have got back with her..

Im just trying to think what worked for me. This last one I was with, when i ever i wrote her these emails about breaking up, she just refused to let me break up with her.. I guess I didnt really want to anyways and she did change some stuff so that was good. But reading your posts im kind seeing the way that maybe she is thinking im getting awfully tempted to send her XMAS greetings..damn it..

 

strangelove

[smile]

During the time we were dating I was really jealous. He was friends with his exs and I couldnt stand that. I didnt get it. He says he was never in love with those girls. Just me. He was over them way before he met me, but to this day he says he still isn't over me.. or us.

 

I was going to therapy when he went on tour.. my life started to just fall into place and I felt I was ready to face things. I contacted those girls I was mean to and explained,they accepted my apology and some of us still talk as friends. Well when I went he basically fell apart. He was gone for 2 weeks and had a nervous breakdown. Too much pressure I guess and he snapped. He wandered in a strange state for a month then came home.

 

He had decided I was the major cause of his stress and I had to go. Now if this was true then how come I was the one he came to for support when he was sad or worried. Whenever anything bad ever happened to him he called me. Even when he had a new gf...

 

Now they have split for about a month and he is around more often. He keeps saying he has nothing to say to her and they are not ever going to be friends. She was a mistake and he isnt sure what happened. He keeps saying he never meant for that to happen and he hopes I can understand that.

 

I am now so much happier about life.. I can feel happy again! He sees that and says he is so proud of me. He doesnt call and I am ok.. he apologizes but why? He sees exgfs and I am not jealous.. he says nothing happened and it never will between them... why tell me that?

 

We go around to stores and hang out we laugh so hard.. its so much fun to be with him.. we have FUN together. We are honest finally. It seems so great. But I am just worried ya know?

 

Would he tell me nothing happened between him and his ex if he didnt think I should care? Why does he rcount every second of his time away from me when he broke up with me he said he was tired of feeling obligated to tell me everything? Would he really help me move around midnight for 2 hours in the freezing cold and not complain (a few jokes here and there but not irritated) if he wasnt interested?

 

And most of all.. what do I do now?

 

Oh nan I am sorry about your stepfather. That is tough to deal with. Especially around the holidays. Hang in there you are doing great. Everything will work out ok, for both of us

[smile]

soo today was interesting.. actually it started yesterday. we chatted on the comp and he asked if i worked today.. i said no he said i dont either we should watch a movie... xmas movie... i dont have any... we were chatting and suddenly he said "i am leaving now bye" so I was like what?

 

I took a shower occupied myself and about an hour later I start to cry. Thinking I am some dumb girl you know? Well in the midst of my outpouring to a friend online crying my eyes out.. there is a knock on my window. He came over at like midnight. He asked if he could come in.

 

He had to get off the comp bc a friend was lost and asking for directions, took a wrong turn somewhere.. it was foggy and dark and he had a show to play the next day. So we sat in the dark and talked. He asked why I was crying and when I said I was having a heart to heart with a friend he seemed hurt that I couldnt share it with him... so I made something up ( i know dumb)

 

We had a great chat about family and stuff.. philosophy life stuff it was great. Then he stayed the night. He stayed Sat night and then last night. He was all cuddly and huggy.

 

Then this morning he slept forever.. I made coffee and some breakfast. He mentioned how much he missed my breakfast and how I make the best eggs.. but he makes the best omlets now and I should taste them. He hung out in bed and watched bits of old movies.. we joked and laughed then got on the computer and we just surfed around.. he was here for a long time.. but he had to go xmas shopping. He gave me the greatest hug goodbye like he just wanted to hug tighter and longer....

 

About an hour later he called and asked me to shop with him. I had to get the xmas tree but I said if he needed anythign he could call, he called again. I finished the tree and met him at the store... we hung out for 3 hrs at the bookstore a lot of standing real close and not just brushing arms but resting them ya know?

 

Then he had to go to an other store.. same as me... so he was going to drive me there and then back to my car... I live a block away from the store we were going to. So I took my car.. he seemed bummed but it was ok. So I took my car home and walked to the store.. we met there and shopped and laughed some more. He gave me the same hug tight and unwilling to let go.. like there should be more... I dunno anyway he thanked me for everything and spending the day with him and stuff. He said he had fun... he would call me later..

 

He is so funny he went on about his plans for the night.. laundry and the gym... it seems so sweet and I am happy with what it is... I just hope its turning into.. you know?

 

I am afraid of reading too much, I am afraid of jumpping the gun, I am worried that I may be reading too much into this... I am just kinda gun shy ya know? I am happy just trepedatious. What do you guys think?

[poopoo]

You love him because you are terrified of him cheating on you. Trust me. I'm a guy. I play the guitar. Jazz guitar. Quite well. The allure of a man with a guitar, even if he plays poorly, will never cease to attract a woman. If you knew he would cheat on you before you went out, you would not date him. If you knew he would not cheat on you before you went out, you would not date him. Man and guitar means a woman can develop a passion and talk about it to her friends.

[strange love]

Your posts have a tendance to almost bring a tear to my eye ms.smile

 

Look im a similar type of guy that your ex is. I would say if he is doing all this stuff its cause he really likes you but try not to scare him off.

 

I would say dont expect him to commit to anything cause right now things are good cause theres no expectations. If you guys were to get back right away that might be too tight a rein around him. Just continue with what you are doing, and he wont have any reason to go anywhere and maybe be a little aloof at times.

 

I just want to say though even though you dont have a verbal confirmation that your his girlfriend.. I mean you guys are basically dating again.. you cant always expect to label things. Be happy with the moment, and focus on making the moments with him special. Shucks I wish to at least chat with my ex even that would be special to me right now.. so just take a deep breath and play it cool. Appreciatte what progress you have made.

 

Dating is alot like the art of war, sometimes you have to let the other side play its hand first...

 

strangelove

[Universe]

Originally posted by strange love

Dating is alot like the art of war, sometimes you have to let the other side play its hand first...

 

Good one.

 

Smile. I want to say I wish I were in as good a shape with my ex as you seem to be. But at this point, there is only what seems to be. Don't let yourself get too over-anxious. Just stay cool and keep working on your own stuff. Don't push him to decide anything or say anything. But don't let him walk on you either. You have to be strong. Be calm. And remember to follow your instincts, not your impulses.

 

Good luck.

[smile]

Thanks guys. I am trying hard to play aloof.. the funny thing is, my life is full enough that its not too much of a game. I worry for a second then get busy doing something and I have the power to step back from the situation and be happy with what i have... i can see clearly now.. so crazy

 

I almost called him last night but I thought..no way just let what was be and let him go about his evening reflecting on how much fun we had together (guys do that right?)....... I think I may call him tomorrow about giviving him his xmas gift... I wanted him to see our tree and stuff but it will be up for a while.

 

I am givivng a bunch of my old books (gently used) to friends because I am poor this year.. plus I think its more personal to share something you were touched by with someoen you care about... anyway one of the books I was going through totally seemed to be perfect for one of his friends... now she is the girl that I had the most trouble with when he and I were together.. I thought she hated me she thought I hated her... but we had a looong chat about my therapy and I apologized and she has since emailed me intermittently here and there.. we are now friendly. I want to give her this book as a good will thing and bc I think she would love it.. does it seem too much? The funny thing is .. when he was dating this other girl she freaked out and was convinced he was in love with this friend of his... so I am wondering is it good? I dont feel threatened by her.... in fact I like her, she reminds me of myself a little.. but she is just so young...

 

I dunno is it maybe a way to show him I am not in that jealous state of mind? It seems the more I prove that the more interested he gets...that was our trouble.. and its gone because I dont feel that insecurity ... I know whats wrong and it wasnt him or jealousy.. it was personal and I am dealing with it.

 

He keeps says " oh I am sorry I dont want to make you mad.. you used to get mad when I talked about this" or "I wanted to talk to you about this but it made you mad that one time I brought it up" but seriously I dont feel that jealousy insecurity anymore... I can look take a breath and just let go. Live in now.. but he seems so concerned about hurting me or making me mad/sad. He keeps asking if I am ok.... whats that about?

 

merry christmas

[smile]

dear poopoo... what? firstly after a three year relationship and what turned into best friends I don't think you can boil it down to me loving him because he might cheat on me... I dont even understand that.

 

Also.. he doesnt play the guitar.. he fools around on the guitar but that isnt his insturment. So that guitar allure isnt there either. I dont want to have someone to talk about to my friends... in fact most of my friends dont listen to the whiny wimpy girly dishy crap.. I am not like that.

 

I know this response sounds irritable but I am just confused as to why you would say that. He used to get mad at me because I would say I loved him in spite of the fact he was in a band. I get why that bugged him but I mean I dont want to be with him to say I m with a guy in a band.. I LOVE HIM... sitting on the couch watching dumb movies, shopping late at night, goofy, smart, and fun HIM.

 

I have my own passions and I share them with my friends.. but my relationships are about me and the person I am with.. I guess I just dont understand.

[smile]

Me again. So its almost christmas. We have been doing a lot of shopping together and chatting . He has asked for my help and helped me with gift ideas... it has been fun.

 

I went to his family's house bc his neice and I have been chatting online so I bought her a xmas gift. And I bought a gift for his brother and sister in law. We had a good time the four of us. We laughed and caught up. His brother had made me a card and a gift. Its so awesome. When I left he asked me if I had talked to his brother lately and I said sometimes. He looked so sad to say goodbye to me and he gave me a nice big hug. He isnt a hugger but it was nice. They all walked me to the door and said goodbye a million times.

 

I got to thinking.. he has been here a lot and talked to me a lot but didnt say anything to his family? I mean he doesnt talk to them much but it seemed weird. Until I thought about the fact that I havent said anythign to my family either.

 

SO later we hung out again. I was finishing xmas shopping and he came to the store where I was and we shopped together. Then I went to an other store and he followed me there too. Then he came to my place and we exchanged gifts. We talked for a long time but a friend of his was having a bad time of it and he went to hang out with her. She was a girl I used to be jealous of but I never had any reason to be. Just a friend.

 

Funny thing tho. When we were shopping we got gifts for his two best female friends.. two girls he has no sexual interest in and are just buddies... honest I know. Anyway he had me help him pick out gifts for them. But we are here at my apt and as I am getting something in the other room he says "yup tonight I got gifts for all the girls in my life". I thought that was sweet. Why would he say that? So I know there isnt anyone else? Or to let me know I was just like them... a friend....

 

You know what? I am happy right now..... not overjoyed but so content. I dont want to spoil it.. off to gift wrap. Merry Christmas!!!