Is this normal/expected?

[JitteryCoffeeBean]

Hey there, new to this forum as a poster. I'm usually a lurker, but have my own story and set of concerns. Here goes..

 

Background: My husband is 10 years older than I. We're very much in love and share a baby together. He is the first and only man that I've been with that hasn't been abusive (sexually, physically, emotionally, etc) and not only that, he's amazing. Completely amazing.

 

The issue: My sex drive (don't know if it's because I'm younger than him or not) doesn't quite match up with his. There can be bouts of his sex drive being consistent and we'll have quite a bit of sex over the course of a week or two. But for the most part... It's me waiting until he's in the mood.

 

During my pregnancy, he really didn't want any sex with me at all. Which was unfortunate because my desire for him grew stronger and sex was better. I literally had to beg. I am ashamed to admit this, but I often fantasized about having someone come over and take care of my needs so I wouldn't have to face rejection when my husband came home from work. I felt unattractive and needy. It was terrible. I often would lurk craigslist posts with no real intention of replying to any or posting up an ad (cause let's face it, that's gross) but it was the only way I could do anything about it. I was pregnant, home alone all the time and my hormones were crazy. Some of you will probably say, 'well why were you there in the first place then?' but honestly I just enjoyed reading some of them and knowing there were people out there who faced issues 'getting some' too.

 

ANYWHO, fast forward and here we are with our baby. Things are great. Finances are great. Way less stress compared to when he was first born. It's all great. For awhile after having our son, our sex life got back to before I got pregnant (which was very, very frequent!) and I felt sexy and desirable. But now, half a year in, it's back to almost nothing.

 

If I bring up sex, he laughs. If I try to seduce him, he brushes it off as a joke. It hurts, but I just pretend I wasn't really serious to begin with to save face. Every now and then he'll want it and will initiate and that's great, but these dry spells are what's bothering me.

 

I work in the fashion industry and at one of the recent jobs, a male model started hitting on me big time. It's the first time I've felt really desired in a long time. (My husband may still desire me, but sometimes I wonder if it's just to save my self esteem...)I found myself flirting back.

 

After the job, I felt a rush of desire again and was faced with something I never faced before: temptation. After a few hours of pondering this, I decided no. Never. I sent the model a text (everyone plans each job together as a team and naturally we all have our phone numbers, it was never exchanged during the job itself) and made the boundaries very clear, that any jobs in the future would be strictly professional and that both of our behavior was unacceptable (he knows I have a husband and a child so that was what threw me off a bit). He told me he understands and that was that.

 

Now the questions are as follows:

 

Is this normal in a marriage? The marriage is still a bit new, so I am unsure of what to expect.

 

Is it wrong of me to have been tempted and fantasize about another man?

 

What do I do about my current situation if, say, this is not normal in a marriage to experience?

 

If it is normal, what do I do about my sex drive and how do I quell it?

 

Thanks for reading guys.

[Assasda]

I think it's normal.

 

Just tell your husband that youre starting to feel horner lately. Guys are problem solvers, and if you bring it to him like that, I'm sure he'll try to satisfy you a little more.

 

Everybody notices the opposite sex. The only thing is that we dont act on our impulses, and we are truthful with our partners.

 

Just tell him that you've been feeling hornier lately, without any expectations and i'm pretty sure he'll try to help you out

[JitteryCoffeeBean]

I think it's normal.

 

Just tell your husband that youre starting to feel horner lately. Guys are problem solvers, and if you bring it to him like that, I'm sure he'll try to satisfy you a little more.

 

Everybody notices the opposite sex. The only thing is that we dont act on our impulses, and we are truthful with our partners.

 

Just tell him that you've been feeling hornier lately, without any expectations and i'm pretty sure he'll try to help you out

 

Unfortunately, I've tried that. He just says, "I've noticed." And that's it. Sometimes, if he knows I'm hornier than usual, he'll just let me know that he's not in a good mood or he's got a headache or feeling sick or something before he's home. I guess so he doesn't have to deal with me trying to have sex with him.

 

Oddly enough he won't be showing any signs of feeling ill or in having a bad mood.

[Assasda]

You should get a toy and watch porn then, and masturbate in front of him. hahahaha, seriously

[Eivuwan]

Yeah like if he's not in the mood for actual intercourse, maybe he can get you off with toys or other things that are less exhausting for him physically. Talk to him about and don't let him brush you off. Tell him you want to problem solve and come to a compromise of some sort.

[JitteryCoffeeBean]

It's less of sex that I miss. More that I miss the connection and the feeling like hes attracted to me! if I asked him to use toys on me, I'd feel like it's a burden to ask him to do that. I want him to want to!

 

What makes it worse is that he tells me about how his last long term relationship was only about sex and they used to do it all the time and everywhere.... It makes me jealous. He's not into that adventurous stuff anymore and even if I got him to try it with me, it wouldn't be fun if I was the only one getting kicks off of it.

Edited October 25, 2013 by JitteryCoffeeBean

[Turtles]

Wow, I used to do the craigslist thing too... I have zero intention of contacting any of these people, it's not even a remote fantasy, just makes me feel less alone, I guess. I felt really weird doing it, it feels nice knowing others had the same idea.

 

Hope it gets better for you Coffee, it's rough when your mate just dismisses the sex as "not a big deal" and the urge keeps gnawing at you. I don't think they realize the damage it can do to the relationship...

 

Did you ask him if he could get checked for low T or such? Maybe that will help him realize that it's a big deal to you that's worth really working on.

[JitteryCoffeeBean]

Wow, I used to do the craigslist thing too... I have zero intention of contacting any of these people, it's not even a remote fantasy, just makes me feel less alone, I guess. I felt really weird doing it, it feels nice knowing others had the same idea.

 

Hope it gets better for you Coffee, it's rough when your mate just dismisses the sex as "not a big deal" and the urge keeps gnawing at you. I don't think they realize the damage it can do to the relationship...

 

Did you ask him if he could get checked for low T or such? Maybe that will help him realize that it's a big deal to you that's worth really working on.

 

The craigslist thing.. I thought I was the only one!

 

Well for some reason he randomly said he would make me orgasm when he got home last night. It didn't happen, but I'm not sure if it's because our child was awake or not. It was one of those moments where I, again, felt like he was trying to make me feel desirable without really desiring me. Confusing...

 

But then in the same discussion he said his sex drive changed a few years ago. It used to be pretty steady and now it's hot or cold. He mentioned before he used to be really unhappy (this was before me) and used to sex counter feeling used. If that makes sense. And now that he doesnt feel that way, his sex drive has relaxed I suppose.

[JitteryCoffeeBean]

And no. The T discussion hasnt happened.

[SimplyMeee]

And no. The T discussion hasnt happened.

 

What are you ages ? Do you know if he masturbates? or saves every release for you... as a wife who is more wanting sexually...feeling need here..... at the very least he needs to do this for the intimacy in your marriage...

 

There was a time in our marriage where I felt my sex drive exploded, I would have died & went to heaven with 3 times a day , i was 42, he was 45.. he couldn't keep up.. I started reading books on hormones, testosterone, was thinking ... "what is wrong with him !@# I thought all men wanted it all the time - I was so naive !"... so I sent him off to get his Test checked, learned he was on the lower side of normal (for men his age).... but not low enough for treatment... also picked up this book from amazon ...

 

When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life: ..

 

this helped me and him understand our Lover styles... and got us really talking about it all. I was feeling "needy" too... in our situation, he was happy to go along for the ride, so long as he could get it up.. a little viagra helped here..

 

I give you praise for handling your boundaries so very well with this other man...during your time of temptation.. when a women doesn't feel desired at home and the sex drive is raging, this can mess with our heads... but you allowed your integrity, your commitment and honor to your husband and family to out weight your lusts in a moment....and when we're feeling like that.. .it can be heavy... good for you.

 

I think you & he need to sit down, he needs to understand how you are feeling here.. even some of your wayward thoughts... this is true transparency at it's core.. it's vulnerable mind you... but it's also born out of love.. and caring for the other person, to let them in...He needs to know...as your husband....how you crave this intimacy with him...

 

You can ask him all he can do - to help meet you half way..

 

When my drive was raging, I catered my life to be available every moment my husband was ready...mornings are a man's best time (his highest test levels)... wake him up under the sheets with a Bj, can't imagine him turning that down in the am.

[JitteryCoffeeBean]

What are you ages ? Do you know if he masturbates? or saves every release for you... as a wife who is more wanting sexually...feeling need here..... at the very least he needs to do this for the intimacy in your marriage...

 

There was a time in our marriage where I felt my sex drive exploded, I would have died & went to heaven with 3 times a day , i was 42, he was 45.. he couldn't keep up.. I started reading books on hormones, testosterone, was thinking ... "what is wrong with him !@# I thought all men wanted it all the time - I was so naive !"... so I sent him off to get his Test checked, learned he was on the lower side of normal (for men his age).... but not low enough for treatment... also picked up this book from amazon ...

 

When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life: ..

 

this helped me and him understand our Lover styles... and got us really talking about it all. I was feeling "needy" too... in our situation, he was happy to go along for the ride, so long as he could get it up.. a little viagra helped here..

 

I give you praise for handling your boundaries so very well with this other man...during your time of temptation.. when a women doesn't feel desired at home and the sex drive is raging, this can mess with our heads... but you allowed your integrity, your commitment and honor to your husband and family to out weight your lusts in a moment....and when we're feeling like that.. .it can be heavy... good for you.

 

I think you & he need to sit down, he needs to understand how you are feeling here.. even some of your wayward thoughts... this is true transparency at it's core.. it's vulnerable mind you... but it's also born out of love.. and caring for the other person, to let them in...He needs to know...as your husband....how you crave this intimacy with him...

 

You can ask him all he can do - to help meet you half way..

 

When my drive was raging, I catered my life to be available every moment my husband was ready...mornings are a man's best time (his highest test levels)... wake him up under the sheets with a Bj, can't imagine him turning that down in the am.

 

I am in my early twenties and he's approaching thirty. I know he doesn't masturbate. I honestly feel if he took really good care of himself (took a daily vitamin, ate veggies more than wheat, dairy, etc.) it would help a lot. But the most I can do is cook healthy meals. He's in control of whatever else he consumes and how he lives his life, and I don't want to push him into doing things for my sake. If that's not the case... seeing a doctor is something he detests. Even my doctor, who has helped me PROFOUNDLY isn't someone he really thinks of seeing. I feel he just doesn't care. It hurts.

 

I can give another talk a try, we had those discussions often when I was pregnant. It didn't help much, he revealed that he felt I was pressuring him for sex. So I think talking about it didn't help... :/ Plus, all I would receive would be answers like, "I don't know what's wrong," "I'm sorry" etc. But nothing came out of those discussions. Nothing except a bit of an understanding since it was all out in the open.

 

If the desire becomes unbearable and I start getting tempted again, I will bring it up before those thoughts even fester in my mind.

 

Thank you very much everyone.

[deathandtaxes]

He's approaching 30? He's so young! I'm halfway to 36 and I think my sex drive has never been this high. It kinda hurts in the dating world because I meet a lady I'm remotely interested in and all I wanna do is get them naked. Shoot, I took care of myself yesterday afternoon and then went to sleep with a lady friend later that evening. For an almost 30-year old duder to not wanna bang his early 20's wife? wow. There's something going on. His lack of masturbation is not a good sign. I do it all the time, even when I am in a relationship and am having sex regularly. It helps keep the fire stoked.

 

Have you had any SERIOUS conversations on the subject? Either he has a seriously low sex drive or there's something else that's wrong with him. It could be the baby. Or any number of things. But you must COMMUNICATE.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I would tell him he needs to have a physical to rule out a medical issue, or see an attorney for a divorce.

 

I am sorry, but I get so friggin tired of people who think that they can just deny their spouse sex, and the spouse is just supposed to go without until the refuser deigns it time to screw again. It is neglectful, and just plain disgusting to treat your spouse that way.

 

And I am NOT referring to those who are genuinely ill or disabled and cannot have sex. That is totally different. It is about those who purposely deny and still expect faithfulness.

[JitteryCoffeeBean]

Divorce is waaaay drastic!

 

Just an update, but we had sex last night! Yay!

 

I still do feel we need to dig into this subject a little more and I want to get him to get his levels tested. I think his hormones fluctuate differently, because while he still does get horny, it's not steady. It's on off, on off.

 

We used to talk about this a lot when I was pregnant but no matter what I did, he rarely would have sex with me. And even if he did, I felt he was only doing it to get me to stop begging him for it. It was painful, but thank god it's over. I know pregnancy can change a man's sex drive.

 

What bugs me is it's still like that a bit. We went from multiple times a day, to a few times a week to once every week or every two weeks. Gah!

 

Thanks everyone. Next time he is rejecting me, I will talk to him about this seriously. It's tough to get him to see a doctor. He was having a lot of digestive issues before and it took many conversations and me really having to push him to see my doctor. It's a bit of a hassle trying to take care of someone who doesn't really enjoy taking care of himself.

[bentleychic]

My first thought would also be thyroid. I would suggest a full physical to rule things out before getting offended or feeling rejected. (Although I know that's hard not to take personally!)

[JitteryCoffeeBean]

I asked him to see a doctor next month. We'll see what he says.

[Cococbel]

Hope you get some answers.

 

I unfortunately relate too well to your situation.