OW, Trying to Ease Suffering

[foxg1ove]

Single woman (well, of course not really), 23, student of sorts, dating (for seven months) a very-married (ten years) two-kids (boys, 9 and 4) man (35 years old). I can't be with him, and I know this, I really, really do. I'm trying to ease my suffering, because like all the other fools out there, I've fallen completely in love with him.

 

We used to work together, and I've quit my job to get away from him. We talk (he just called tonight), write, and see each other often (at least four times a week, for at least 5 hours each time). I don't need advice (although I'd welcome anything) because I already know I need to 1) find a new job 2) give his presents to the salvation army 3) see a therapist 4) date 5) insert any other cliche you can think of.

 

What I really need is inspiring words.

[SoleMate]

Good list of thing you need to do, but how about this...6) get mad at your MM for putting you in a situation that is almost certain to hurt you. Puff up your self-esteem and say, "I'm not taking any other woman's leftovers, and frankly it repels me even to think of being offered them."

 

I'm not sure based on what you said...are you still seeing him?

[foxg1ove]

Yes, I guess.

 

I'm not sure I can end it, though. Since it began, I've known two things: one, it's all kinds of wrong, and forever will be. Two, I love him, and somehow knew I would stick it out. To have these two completely overpowering thoughts compete with each other has been exhausting. I think I need to explain a bit more to get the advice I truly need.

 

We've had a wonderful relationship (dinners, drinks, presents, flowers, great conversations, walks in the park, lovely sex) and it's what I'm looking for now. But is it really? Or do I want someone I can actually call? Someone I can sleep an entire night with? Someone who might someday slide a ring on my finger? Of course. But I don't trust that would ever be him. He says I love you, and I believe that he does. But he loves me like you love warm bread, or a kitten, or your niece. I'm enjoyment, I'm fun, I'm pretty, I'm young. I'm not real. And this is habit with him. He confessed I'm not the first, or the second, but the seventh woman he's had an affair with since he's been married. He says I'm the only one he truly loves, and talks about divorce quite frequently. Please don't think I'm stupid. I don't believe one second of that. However, I know about his wife, and their relationship. While it isn't reason for divorce, it's reason for unhappiness. I met her for the first time last night. I got the distinct impression she's cheating on him, too. It followed her around like a ghost.

 

Before I thought it was him; he was wrong, he had some defect in his male brain. I thought it was me; I'm selfish, I'm sleazy, I'm disgusting. I always thought she was the innocent one, but now I'm not so sure. The more I know about her, the more I question their relationship. But in the end it really doesn't matter, because it's not about their relationship, or what he wants, or what he does. It has to be about me, and what I need for myself. And I'm positive that is getting away from him will be the best move for me.

 

Like I said, we worked together, and I've quit, but now I'm jobless, which just gives me plenty of time to think about him, and analyze my feelings. We live a hour from each other, but still manage weekly (at least 3x, sometimes more) meetings. He shows up at my house, calls 2-3x a day, writes me e-mails, buys me gifts. He's very affectionate, and a very good liar. Lately it seems I realize all his lies, but have somehow gotten used to them, somehow accepted them. This scares me. I want an honest relationship, and real love. Not this.

 

Only, it gets a bit complicated here. (Not that it wasn't already...)

 

I'm not exactly a secret. He's Mexican (I'm American), and in their culture, it's incredibly common to cheat on wives, and to be very open about doing so. I worked at a Mexican restaurant (where we met) and know that every single one of the men there (with the exception of the single dishwasher) is cheating on their wives. They all know it, they talk discuss it, and they keep each other's secrets. It's really horrible actually. The more I write about it, the more I feel like vomiting.

 

Anyway, it's also important to know that his culture is embedded in our relationship. We speak in Spanish, we talk of Mexico, listen to Spanish music, shop for Spanish books in Barnes and Nobel, etc. I'm also planning a trip to Mexico, Central and South America. I was scheduled to leave at the beginning of January, but that was when I still had a job. I've got enough money saved to leave, only I wanted to earn a few thousand more because I've added Brazil to my list. This trip is incredibly important to me, but there's a bit of a problem. Do I go when I'd planned, without the money I wanted, to get away from him sooner, or do I postpone it a few months, get a job, earn the money, and stick to my original itinerary? If I stay, I know it will be that much harder to leave him, but I don't want leaving early to really be running away. Oh, this feels so disorganized, and so out of hand. I should have said this all at the beginning, and not tried to pretend it was so simple.

 

I know I can't do it anymore. I thought at first it was fun, but then it turned into love, and now something that's really not that interesting at all. It's an older man f***ing a younger woman. It's a realtionship he refuses to move forward (both ours and he and his wifes). But love is love, even when it's twisted and so obviously wrong, and getting out of love is hard hard hard. So I guess the question is how and when, with lots of good reasons to keep my strength up. Thanks to all for listening.

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by foxg1ove

I know I can't do it anymore. I thought at first it was fun, but then it turned into love, and now something that's really not that interesting at all. It's an older man f***ing a younger woman. It's a realtionship he refuses to move forward (both ours and he and his wifes). But love is love, even when it's twisted and so obviously wrong, and getting out of love is hard hard hard. So I guess the question is how and when, with lots of good reasons to keep my strength up. Thanks to all for listening.

 

I completely hear you foxg1ove. As I was reading your post, I felt like I was reading my own writing. I am almost the same age you are and almost the same age difference between us. When love is there, it does make it so hard. It's only today that I've made a firm committment to honour myself and my future and to get OVER him. If it means spending 100s of dollars on therapists and being single for the next 5 years, it's a price I'm willing to pay to resolve this situation and the feelings inside me that caused me to experience temperary insanity.... Alright, maybe not insanity but pretty damn close.

 

I'm going to put post-it notes on my comp that read "DO NOT RESPOND" and when he calls, I'm going to ignore his calls. If he writes, I'm going to put the mail in a box and hold a bon-fire in his honour. I feel sooo grateful to have found this site and to hear that I'm not the only one in the world experiencing these feelings.

 

Feel free to PM me anytime!!