Ending a Marriage with A Bipolar, Sex-addicted Husband

[woolgather]

We had our 5 month wedding anniversary this past week (we’ve known each other for 11 months and have been in a relationship for all of those 11 months). On the day after our 5 month wedding anniversary we were supposed to meet up, but we were both pretty tired. I thought. I was about to meet a friend (which I lied to him about; it was actually an ex of mine, but he had done so many wrongs to me that I decided I’ll do what I want and I thought it was innocent—this is exactly why we didn’t work. After I found out he went to get a handjob at a massage parlor a month into our relationship, I just had no respect for him. It was a mess). Usually he checks up on me when I was out with friends. Nothing this time. So I was highly suspicious. I had access to his bank accounts, phone records (only outgoing calls shown, but stil), and google search history. I saw the google history for escorts. My heart shattered. I hyperventilated. I confirmed all this with the phone records. I had been messaging him all night befire. He ignored me. He claimed he was tired, but that’s what he ended up doing. I called him the next day at work. He acted sweet at first. He said he just slept last night. Then I told him I knew what he did (often times I would pretend that I did, just to test him, but I was confident this time because I had the evidence). And instead of apologizing, he just said that we were done. It was so callous and cowardly. Although we had broken up many, many times that week, we had mutually agreed to continue. I just don’t understand why he would pretend to want to work on things when he had his eyes on whores, which was a huge issue for me. I had become very insecure about it, always checking his records and thinking he was sneaking in a mid-day handjob (as he did one month into our marriage). I will never know everything he did. ‘

 

I would just like to know how to stop wanting closure FROM HIM, since it is obviously something I need to do myself. I try to break contact, but I have a lot of difficulty with it. Anytime I ask him for answers, the shallowness and coolness of his responses hurts me anymore. I wonder if he looked for a whore just so he had something which would assure I’d stay away from him(I can’t verify that he went to a whore, though he probably did. And I think he got the $$ by selling our ring. But that is conjecture—I know he tried selling it once before,.Not sure why he didn’t actually do it).

 

He did this to me once before, the distance and coolness. I’m expecting from him to spiral downward again, since this is how he acts when he is about to, and call me from a mental hospital, begging me back, because he has nothing else in his life. And you know what, I want him to do that, this way I can reject him and maybe he will feel as alone as he has made me. I know that is terrible, but I just feel like I am the only one who is feeling this. He is able to numb himself with whores and alcohol. I’m not even sure if he has to numb himself, though; it just seems like he doesn’t give any ****, the whores are just a nice bonus.

 

I was addicted to him, or as my therapist says, I was addicted to his neediness. I did not feel happy after I saw him; I just wanted more of him, because I felt unhappy with him and my life, but being with him distracted me. So now, like any addiction, I am withdrawing. I can’t help myself from contacting him. I am so curious to see his state of mind. I also feel duped—a second time. He was a great wooer and charmer in the beginning . I feel like it was all a sham, like I said lust and anticipation. He told me, after he broke up with me and ignored me and looked for whores that all he wanted was me and those were ugly habits and impulses. It’s clear to me know that he really is that person. He is an evil monster inside. (claims he didn’t go to a whore, though I can never account for the hundreds of dollars he spent that week AND I found one address in the GPS, he claims he didn’t go. Mostly don’t believe, but I don’t want to believe it).

 

I know the end of this relationship is the best thing that he ever did for me. But I really need to know how to let go. It was crippled with an enormous amount of co-dependency. I am having a hard time wondering how he is and how he is going to behave in the future. How do I stop caring? How do I stop giving a f** about this loser who couldn’t even support us, who was living of his parents’ inheritances? Who wre-e-ecked me (Miley Cyrus you guys hahaha)?

[jphcbpa]

I would suggest SLAA or other 12 step program for recovery. You are probably a love addict and he is obviously the sex addict. Addict and avoidant doing a dance. You need to take a hard look at why you pick these kind of men. Keep the focus on you and get into recovery.

 

Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody.

 

What does your therapist suggest?

[devilish innocent]

It takes time to get over the end of a bad relationship. You can't just turn your feelings off over night. All you can do is speed up the process by going no contact. When you're tempted to call him, remind yourself of how you felt the last time you spoke with him. Then if you still want to call, find some way to distract yourself, or go out for a walk until you've gotten past it. Just stay away from any type of contact as much as you possibly can.

[SmartDude]

I have known bipolar people.

 

Hypersexuality is a known condition for some individuals who have biploar.

It is part of their manic phase. If he says he does not mean to do it, he may be telling the truth.

 

Maybee he is not a monster. Maybee he feels ashamed inside but is unable to control certain impulses without professional help.

[DJSasha]

the sooner you cut it off, the happier you will be