Ending a Marriage with A Bipolar, Sex-addicted Husband

[woolgather]

We had our 5 month wedding anniversary this past week (we’ve known each other for 11 months and have been in a relationship for all of those 11 months). On the day after our 5 month wedding anniversary we were supposed to meet up, but we were both pretty tired. I thought. I was about to meet a friend (which I lied to him about; it was actually an ex of mine, but he had done so many wrongs to me that I decided I’ll do what I want and I thought it was innocent—this is exactly why we didn’t work. After I found out he went to get a handjob at a massage parlor a month into our relationship, I just had no respect for him. It was a mess). Usually he checks up on me when I was out with friends. Nothing this time. So I was highly suspicious. I had access to his bank accounts, phone records (only outgoing calls shown, but stil), and google search history. I saw the google history for escorts. My heart shattered. I hyperventilated. I confirmed all this with the phone records. I had been messaging him all night befire. He ignored me. He claimed he was tired, but that’s what he ended up doing. I called him the next day at work. He acted sweet at first. He said he just slept last night. Then I told him I knew what he did (often times I would pretend that I did, just to test him, but I was confident this time because I had the evidence). And instead of apologizing, he just said that we were done. It was so callous and cowardly. Although we had broken up many, many times that week, we had mutually agreed to continue. I just don’t understand why he would pretend to want to work on things when he had his eyes on whores, which was a huge issue for me. I had become very insecure about it, always checking his records and thinking he was sneaking in a mid-day handjob (as he did one month into our marriage). I will never know everything he did. ‘

 

I would just like to know how to stop wanting closure FROM HIM, since it is obviously something I need to do myself. I try to break contact, but I have a lot of difficulty with it. Anytime I ask him for answers, the shallowness and coolness of his responses hurts me anymore. I wonder if he looked for a whore just so he had something which would assure I’d stay away from him(I can’t verify that he went to a whore, though he probably did. And I think he got the $$ by selling our ring. But that is conjecture—I know he tried selling it once before,.Not sure why he didn’t actually do it).

 

He did this to me once before, the distance and coolness. I’m expecting from him to spiral downward again, since this is how he acts when he is about to, and call me from a mental hospital, begging me back, because he has nothing else in his life. And you know what, I want him to do that, this way I can reject him and maybe he will feel as alone as he has made me. I know that is terrible, but I just feel like I am the only one who is feeling this. He is able to numb himself with whores and alcohol. I’m not even sure if he has to numb himself, though; it just seems like he doesn’t give any ****, the whores are just a nice bonus.

 

I was addicted to him, or as my therapist says, I was addicted to his neediness. I did not feel happy after I saw him; I just wanted more of him, because I felt unhappy with him and my life, but being with him distracted me. So now, like any addiction, I am withdrawing. I can’t help myself from contacting him. I am so curious to see his state of mind. I also feel duped—a second time. He was a great wooer and charmer in the beginning . I feel like it was all a sham, like I said lust and anticipation. He told me, after he broke up with me and ignored me and looked for whores that all he wanted was me and those were ugly habits and impulses. It’s clear to me know that he really is that person. He is an evil monster inside. (claims he didn’t go to a whore, though I can never account for the hundreds of dollars he spent that week AND I found one address in the GPS, he claims he didn’t go. Mostly don’t believe, but I don’t want to believe it).

 

I know the end of this relationship is the best thing that he ever did for me. But I really need to know how to let go. It was crippled with an enormous amount of co-dependency. I am having a hard time wondering how he is and how he is going to behave in the future. How do I stop caring? How do I stop giving a f** about this loser who couldn’t even support us, who was living of his parents’ inheritances? Who wre-e-ecked me (Miley Cyrus you guys hahaha)?

[Grumpybutfun]

Closure? You admit that you picked a man who makes bad choices, and you accept that he will never change and you distance yourself from him and his crazy making stuff. Then you admit that you are co-dependent and you talk to your T about this and read any books you can find on it, and you put a rubber band on your wrist and anytime you think of contacting him, you snap it. That is a tiny amount of the pain this man will cause you, so you break that habit. You stop caring about him, worrying about him and you fix yourself. You ask yourself, what is broken in me that allowed someone who is mentally ill and not getting proper treatment, addicted to sex and a liar/cheater to wreck my self-confidence and take away my life? You have a choice....be the person you know you can be or stay in this pattern and keep feeling lost and in despair. This is not about him. This is about you and how you view yourself and what you feel you deserve in life. Re-evaluate that and think about what you could deserve and what your life could be like if you got healthy and stopped looking to others for validation....positive or negative.

Good luck,

Grumps

[dreamingoftigers]

What you want is what I wanted when I found out about my husband's demons.

 

I wanted him to turn his back on all of that, straighten up, act like a husband, be honest about what happened, assure me that it wasn't about me, get lots of help to fix his craziness, grovel and apologize like HE was demanding that I do, and for sure not act like its no big flipping deal and that I was "making too much out of it" "trying to control him" or "you're being really crazy about this, get over it, let's start fresh already!"

 

But he's not going to do that.

 

Because he's completely effed up. And honey, you don't have kids with this guy.....and you don't want to, trust me!

 

Somewhere along that way Mommy shamed him, he did the wrong drugs, had a bad genetic cocktail, failed to develop a sense of empathy or SOMETHING.

 

But whatever that something is could take years and years to find. And he's not truly the least bit co-operative. Two years? RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN.

 

Two years may feel like forever now and you can "get past it." But I have been married to sheer nightmare for almost 8 years and he's only just begun digging his swollen head out of his ass in the last two. It's draining, it's EXPENSIVE, and it has SUCKED THE JOY OUT OF OUR MARRIAGE. And frankly a lot of personal joy until we separated.

 

And we had years prior that were fun and amazing and we have a child together.

 

You got dealt a crappy marital hand. Here's the bright side: you can walk away, you can heal, and intellectually you already known his end of things was way off-balance.

 

I know that some shrinks like to throw around words like "co-dependent and needy."

 

Neither of those words is an actual diagnosis of any sort. I didn't think I'd wither away and die without my husband but a lot of days the pain felt so bad I wouldn't have objected if Jesus himself came down and gave me a pass on exiting early.

 

A lot of times "co-dependence" is sort of a hard swing the opposite direction to keep what you believed was a life-long relationship together in the face of being traumatized. Being so deeply and repeatedly betrayed by someone you love so deeply is completely overwhelming. You feel disgusted with them and pity them and the same time, you want to share your pain and be comforted by your partner and at the same time you feel like throwing rocks at him. It messes with you in the most primal ways. You want them to understand how badly you're hurting, the hurt that you can't get rid of, and they can't relate to it because you'll never hurt them back like that. And they simply don't get it. Because they can't. Because if they could "get it" they would never have done that to you in the first place.

 

They way I separated myself from it was hiking. I spent a lot of time by myself hiking. I became healthier, more confident, I felt "me" again instead of just feeling "in reaction" to all of his BS.

 

The more you feel "you" the less reactive you have to be. You can be angry, bitter, sad, betrayed and hurt. Don't let anyone tell you to "GET OVER IT" because they haven't been there and don't know what the Hell it is that you've been through. Your grief will hit you at odd times. You can go months without noticing it. Life can be otherwise great and then you'll find some cracker-jack ring in the bottom of a junk drawer that he gave you. BUT as time goes on you'll see how he was very messed up. Very unable to sustain a commitment.

 

You'll see the signs you might've missed (frankly I still don't see exactly what would've indicated to me anything of this magnitude, so that sucks) but most people say it. AND you won't take this kind of pandering/betrayal crap from the next guy. Because you'll already have been there and survived. You'll see through it and walk before you lose too much of yourself. The guy that will respect you will be worth all of this.

 

I'm sorry someone did this to you. That they threw their emotional dog poo at you and you have to clean it up. Life is really just like that sometimes. The world is full of emotional dog poo. But at least you can see that lining up for more poo isn't a good thing. Sometimes we line up for a lot of poo before we realize that the stink is only getting worse and we're only getting older and not happier in such a stinky relationship.

 

Had he done anything to stop throwing the emotional dog poo (EDP) at you AND help clean up the mess he made, that might've been different. But he chose the bratty little kid route where he promised he'd clean up the poo. Pretend he did it. Lie about it. Throw more poo. And leave you with the mess. And then still expect to get a shiny new toy at the store from you. You wouldn't let a five year old get away with that. Don't let him. For both of your sakes.

 

It gets better.

[woolgather]

Thank you both for your thoughtful replies.

 

I have good friends, family, and therapists here to support me, but I know in the end it will be my doing that will bring me to where I want to be. I am also looking for many support groups, both online and in real life.

 

I met my estranged husband in a mental ward. I was out of sorts myself, clearly. On the first day we met, he told me that he had frequented prostitutes in the past. For our entire relationship it was never a concern of mine--that he would go to one, because he explained to me that he was suicidal and in a very low point in his life and just didn't care. I really was foolish to believe that was true. I thought he really wanted love and a simple life.

 

Just this past week he told me how all he wanted was a wholesome, happy life with me. I just feel like an idiot. Too many blows. This is the last one.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you both for your thoughtful replies.

 

I have good friends, family, and therapists here to support me, but I know in the end it will be my doing that will bring me to where I want to be. I am also looking for many support groups, both online and in real life.

 

I met my estranged husband in a mental ward. I was out of sorts myself, clearly. On the first day we met, he told me that he had frequented prostitutes in the past. For our entire relationship it was never a concern of mine--that he would go to one, because he explained to me that he was suicidal and in a very low point in his life and just didn't care. I really was foolish to believe that was true. I thought he really wanted love and a simple life.

 

Just this past week he told me how all he wanted was a wholesome, happy life with me. I just feel like an idiot. Too many blows. This is the last one.

 

Ironically enough, you are not the first case of that I have heard of.

 

I had a friend whose brother met his wife in the mental ward and he had prostitute issues too. And like your story, those issues didn't disappear.

 

I STRONGLY recommend that women avoid men that have had prostitutes in their recent (like past 10 years at least, give or take depending on other factors) history.

 

I know you probably think "oh god what was I thinking" (or you will soon). Sometimes as women we're put under pressure to be that "extra-supportive" wife etc. so we date guys that have issues (especially when we have issues) so we can kind of "help and save" each other. It's pretty common actually. And commonly it DOES NOT WORK OUT.

 

I learned the hard way as well that truly people really don't become that much different to you than the first day you met them. Not that people don't change per se. But that their expectations of how they need to act toward you tend to be set from those first encounters. It reflects where their mentality is with their life etc. you were both in the mental ward. So in his mind he didn't need to respect you and you already knew he was mental too. That's a pretty harsh start. He probably really liked you, loved you etc. but obviously didn't respect you or himself one iota (judging by his actions).

 

Don't think I'm judging you for being "mental" or temporarily unsorted. At all.

I have had three stays in hospital (mental ward too) myself when I was younger. I know the pain and lack of being able to cope that brings you to that point. I had EMDR therapy and it helped amazingly with my trauma and BPD. That was eight years ago and I haven't had the need for a return visit. In fact, I don't get anywhere near as flooded or overwhelmed.

 

But I digress, I would not have been able to start any kind of lasting relationship from a mental ward with another patient or shortly after. The foundation would not have been right and I clearly would not have had enough space and adjustment time between my issues and trying to evaluate a relationship.

 

When we are stressed or recently transitioning, it is not a good time to be able to objectively evaluate if a relationship is workable or healthy. I also know that I felt since I had mental issues that I probably would end up with someone mentally healthy and therefore I might as well date whosoever I liked or clicked with. Bad idea. There is lots of hope to regulate oneself and discover what a healthy relationship looks like. If a healthy relationship seems "boring" right now.....then you probably have an unhealthy idea about relationships.

 

It's next to impossible to balance a relationship when both parties aren't balanced themselves. When you have mental health issues that you discover in youth, I honestly recommend taking 3 solid years to work on those specifically to boost your confidence, self-esteem and ability to balance and cope. That way, if any of the symptoms spike in a future relationship or you find yourself on the wrong end of someone's BS again, you'll have had three years of self-with and coping to look back on. After that level of investment, you are unlikely to allow yourself to fall into the same trap.

 

A lot of people will tell you really stupid platitudes or blame you for having mental health issues of any kind. "Just stop behaving XYZ way" "just think positive" "well, if you tried.....blah blah blah."

 

Many of them can't see their own glaring mental health issues that they AREN'T dealing with OR they have no clue what you are experiencing. Not everyone was dealt the same hand and they don't "get it."

 

Many many many people struggle with balancing themselves and their lives. Some throughout their whole lives. Struggling is okay. What isn't okay is allowing yourself to start and stay in a relationship where someone is openly and blatantly disrespecting you. If his actions aren't matching his words, he's manipulating you. You are basically an object for him to say some magic words to so he can get you to do what he wants. Because he isn't taking responsibility for his own words and actions.

 

Best of luck.....

[dreamingoftigers]

And seriously I'm not judging you at all.

 

I was suicidal when I met my husband.....who introduced himself to me by being homeless and panhandling change off of me. LOL.

 

For some reason, we see past what others see as an obvious strike and notice the personality or other aspects of the person. It can be a good thing, a kind-hearted thing....but people are where they are 90% of the time due to whatever issues they are/are not battling. Maybe 10% of the time it is circumstantial.

[pteromom]

Maybe the reason you need "closure" from him and for him to admit all his wrongdoing is because you are somehow blaming yourself for his actions. If you were good enough, he wouldn't be this way. If you were sexy enough, he wouldn't need hookers. If you were smart enough, you could change him. If you were loving enough, he would be happy.

 

But it's not you.

 

He's a very damaged person who learned a very damaged way of living and coping, and nothing you can do will change that.

 

You don't need him to take the blame for the failing of your relationship. You just need to accept that he isn't capable of the marriage you want, and walk away.

 

You can maintain NC. You can block him on your phone, block him on Facebook, and since you have your friends and family, you can talk to a couple of people you trust, and ask them if it would be ok for you to call them if you are feeling weak and want to call him. Lean on those who are there for you!

 

You can get through this. You describe him as "an evil monster inside". That made me shudder... print that out really big on a piece of paper:

 

HE'S AN EVIL MONSTER INSIDE

 

And put it next to your phone or on the home screen of your mobile.

 

Just this past week he told me how all he wanted was a wholesome, happy life with me.

 

...and that's probably true. He probably REALLY REALLY does want that. But the question is - is he capable of it?