28 yr old woman needs opinions

[Otter]

I'm going to try to make this short and sweet; but I could really use some advice and my friends keep telling me I shouldn't worry.

 

I am a 28 year old woman; I have a great job, own my own house, have a variety of different interests which include anything from traveling, photography and art galleries to camping, hiking, and kayaking. I have a lot of friends and make friends easily, I'm an outgoing and happy person. I'm not drop dead gorgeous, but I'm not bad looking; I keep my hair and clothing stylish. I could stand to lose a few pounds...but I'm active and healthy.

 

Here's my problem: I've never had a relationship. It's not for the lack of wanting someone in my life or being too picky; I've learned that you never know what kind of great person might be lurking in any kind of "package." So what's wrong with me? Why can't I find that person who wants to be "with" me and not just be my friend? This time of year is so hard and I'd really love to have someone to share my life with....and that I could share in their life.

 

Any thoughts or comments would be appreciated. Thanks!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Otter

So what's wrong with me? Why can't I find that person who wants to be "with" me and not just be my friend?

 

 

There is nothing wrong with you... this is a very common scenario. Many people won't admit to it cause they are embarassed what others will think.

 

You said that you could stand to lose a few lbs. You should make that your #1 priority.

 

When I was in high school and college I was heavy and then lost about 30 lbs when I was about 23 or 24. After I lost the weight I had women coming out of the woodwork. I'' d go to the bar and they would pinch my ass.

 

Unfortuantely many times you have to look good on the outside to get someone even slightly interested in you so that they can get to know the great person inside yourself.

[Carmine]

I don't agree with alphamale. If weight prevented someone from getting dates, then I wonder why so many of my "large" friends and co-workers are happily married. Weight has nothing to do with it. A lot of men like a big woman, and to tell her to lose weight just to find the happiness she seeks is like telling her to get a breast augmentation to attact a man. It just isn't something she should have to do at such a mature age.

 

Actually, I have a similiar problem, though mine stems from not having enough time to find a woman through conventional means due to my work schedule. I posted elsewhere on this site about my own dating woes and speak from experience when I say that people like us don't have any luck finding anyone.

 

Sure, we are successful, homeowners, active people with lots of friends...but what is it worth if you have no one to share it with? I believe that most people, especially men, are wary about going out with a successful Type-A woman. They feel like they are somehow less of a man if they are not the main breadwinner in a realtionship. Even some men who make the same or slightly more then you might feel threatened, because their insecurity causes them to believe that a woman's earnings should be much less then his own. The fact that *you* would own their house also has an effect, I bet.

 

You could always do what I've decided to do: Give up and make the pain better by spending money on yourself.

[Merin]

Originally posted by Carmine

 

You could always do what I've decided to do: Give up and make the pain better by spending money on yourself.

 

Damn.. is that suppose to inspire Otter?

 

There isn't anything wrong with you Otter.. while it may be true that you haven't found "The one" yet.. it doesn't mean it isn't going to happen nor does it mean there is something wrong with you.

 

Sometimes I really believe the problem is in looking to hard.. it seems that all the people I know who are in great relationships found that person when they weren't trying "so hard"

 

Alphamale does make a good point in saying that it is not unusual for most everyone to look at the outside appearance of a person to determine IF they want to proceed in getting to know if that person is someone they like or have things in common with.. the thing to keep in mind is beauty is in the eye of the beholder.. and what may be attractive to one, won't be attractive to another..

 

Hang in there sister;)

[EnigmaXOXO]

I have a lot of friends and make friends easily, I'm an outgoing and happy person.

 

I absolutely believe that! As a matter of fact, you probably have more going for you than you care to admit. The few extra pounds you fault yourself for have absolutely nothing at all to do with your ability to attract romantic partners. I have many voluptuous friends who can't keep the men off of them, while a few of my slender friends share the same complaints as you.

 

The difference is…"sex appeal!"

 

Mind you - I'm not talking about 'visual' or superficial attractiveness. I'm speaking more in the terms of the 'attitude' and the persona you project. Friendly, outgoing and happy-go-lucky will earn you lots and lots of friends. Confidence, intelligence and independence will earn you lots of respect. But unless you have mastered the subtle art of feminine flirtation, and how to express an interest in someone romantically…you might find yourself stuck in that "everybody's buddy" category simply because they see no opportunity for anything else.

 

So, when it comes to body language, flirtation and 'sex appeal' - how would you rate yours?

[Patiently waiting]

Enigma, once again you are right on target!! While I am not "skinny" (5'2, 125 lbs), I do have a great amount of sex appeal (I am told). I know what to wear to compliment my figure and I walk with confidence (but not conceit) and awareness of who I am. People seem to pick up on that and it tends to draw them toward me. Especially the men! I also try to be very open and honest and I really "listen" when others talk to me. I have been told by several men that it is not always just about the looks of the woman, but about how much the woman is interested in what the man has to say.........

[Otter]

Thank you for all the thoughtful replies, they are sincerely appreciated!

 

I think that each of you brings up some valid points.

 

I have wondered in the past if my Type A personality has scared a few guys away. I have always set goals for myself and done everything possible to achieve them; I know that freaked at least one guy out.

 

Merin, I think I have been trying too hard lately just because it has been on my mind so much. Maybe I need to focus on enjoying my life the way it is and let things happen as they will.

 

I also think I need to harness that mental/inner sex appeal; I'm sure that has something to do with all my "friends, but nothing more." If you have any ideas in helping a single gal do that let me know!

 

Thanks again...your objective thoughts and ideas have been helpful!

[Patiently waiting]

I am also a type "A" personality. I think a lot of guys are intimidated by my independence. My stbex told me that he stopped doing any chores around the house, helping with the children, and wouldn't even touch the bills, cause he knew I would just correct his actions to my standards. Well, he was totally on the other end of the spectrum also. I am trying to mellow out and not make EVERYTHING the #1 priority. It's hard, but I am trying....

 

Guys like to feel that you need them to do stuff for you. That they are somehow "saving" you. Even if you really don't need their help, let them think you do. Praise them for ANY LITTLE THING they do for you even if you could care less if it got done or you could have easily done it yourself. (ie: changing a lightbulb, organizing your CD collection) I call it the "damsel in distress" tactic.