helena abadi Posted December 11, 2004 Share Posted December 11, 2004 After two beautiful years, he broke up with me. We were the greatest love of each other's lives. I didn't want it to end at all, altho I understood his reasons and they seemed valid at the time. I tried to be brave, we kissed and hugged and declared undying love at our last private meeting, but then I fell apart straight afterwards and the past 4 weeks have been HELL. Broken no contact rules on both sides, altho we did not see each other in private. I wrote him a letter which thanked him for loving me so much, it would take some time to get over this, I couldn't be friends, ever, and I was moving 3000km away, and could he please find a way to be at least kind and supportive until I go, because a brutal break is making it really hard for me, in the face of coping with moving. I had moved here primarily because of this relationship. Is there such middle ground? Does it exist at all? He called me. He was drunk, and insisted I see him. It was not the first time. I had refused to return his late nite calls before then. But this time I went. The first thing he asked me was if I had slept with anyone since we broke up. Well, hello, his side of the bed is barely cold! He then said a confusing number of things, ranging from let's go to ..... (our favourite place we used to go for weekends) ... and ending with we're not getting back together, but we're friends. I didn't agree, I didn't say anything. Overall, things drunks say are not to be taken too seriously, but some things he said and did were so emotionally connected to our core values in the relationship, I can't believe that half the things he said when we broke up, were actually true at all. Like, he didn't care if I went with someone else. Loyalty, fidelity and trust was a number one priority for both of us. He hinted he had been someone casually, but the way he spoke about it was unhappily and with remorse. That hurt me too. Moving is not an idle threat. I'm not using that to get him back. I have looked at priorities in my life and decided relocating is good. However I can flourish here too, and would change my mind if we were reunited, but I don't want to let him know that's such a priority. I am following the Lost Guide to No Contact V3, not always with success, but it helps a lot. My decision to move away has forced us to break NC rules to deal with this situation, but the way forward is far from clear. He knows I don't want to be with anyone else, but I'm not going to force the issue. Is he rethinking the break-up? Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted December 12, 2004 Share Posted December 12, 2004 what were his reasons for ending things? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 12, 2004 Share Posted December 12, 2004 Originally posted by helena abadi Is he rethinking the break-up? He possibly MAY be rethinking the breakup cause you are thinking of leaving town but this is the worst reason to get back together. I would not trust all what he said when drunk but then again alcohol is a type of "truth serum" and people say what is on their minds when drinking. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 12, 2004 Share Posted December 12, 2004 Hoo boy. Gotta love the 'hot and cold'. He may miss you, and what you had - but he doesn't miss the relationship. He seems to be pretty careful about making it clear that no matter what he says it eventually leads to him saying: we're not getting back together, but we're friends. When he told you that he didn't care if you were seeing someone else that's probably because he was seeing someone else and he wanted to ease his guilt a little bit. Thats not unusual with affairs - you find the person cheating often hoping that the person they are cheating on would do the same thing. If you had told him that you were seeing someone else, he likely would have exploded. Nothing like working up some righteous anger at someone to tamp down your own guilt at having done the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author helena abadi Posted December 13, 2004 Author Share Posted December 13, 2004 Hi Alphamale and Lucrezia, you're right on the button as usual. Yes, alcohol is a kind of truth serum. And yes, OUCH OUCH OUCH, he probably did cheat on me right at the end, that's why he said he didn't care who I went with. But he's obviously done a half turn, with profound regrets. I'll not read too much into it and observe No Contact as much as poss, but sometimes it's hard to hang on. As for being friends. NO WAY. It ain't gonna happen. I honestly don't believe that can ever happen after a serious relationship of such intensity. You can't just snap your heart back into place like nothing ever much happened. Can anyone really ever be friends? Alphamale, is this a guy thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author helena abadi Posted December 13, 2004 Author Share Posted December 13, 2004 It think it's time I stopped whining and being a victim and I'm gonna tell him to STAY THE F**K OUT OF MY LIFE. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 Originally posted by helena abadi It think it's time I stopped whining and being a victim and I'm gonna tell him to STAY THE F**K OUT OF MY LIFE. Helena; The above is a SUPERB tactic. After you tell him this he will want to be with you even more. Human nature is such that we all want what we cannot have (or which is hard to get). Link to post Share on other sites
Author helena abadi Posted December 14, 2004 Author Share Posted December 14, 2004 High five, Alphamale. Link to post Share on other sites
Baby2673 Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 Hi..I'm new. I understand how you feel, Helena. My relationship was ended 4 months ago. After 10 years together, it ended in a month just like that. I moved out to a new city but haven't really moved on because we broke the rule of no contact. He told me he's having a second thought. Even though I still love him, the hurt and pain he caused me is still raw and I hesitate to even meet him halfway. Who knows what would happened in the future. But we really need to do the no contact thingy for real. I think that's the best way for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author helena abadi Posted December 14, 2004 Author Share Posted December 14, 2004 I feel for you, Baby2673. There are probably very few experiences in life that compare to this. No contact is terribly hard, especially if this person has been in your life daily for a long time. It's a death, there's a raging emptiness, anger, grieving to be done before there's resolution. But each day, even if you feel stuck, is still progression. No contact seems to exacerbate the grief and emptiness. It's like swallowing bitter pills to combat a deep injury. But it has to be. Maybe it doesn't have to be permanent, but during healing time and while you are trying to sort out where your life goes to from here, it's pretty essential. Each renewed contact reopens wounds. No one knows how long the healing will take. It's entirely individual, I think. But for sure, the longer and more serious the relationship, the greater the damage, the longer the healing time. Get support. This cannot be done alone. There's some good advice to be found on this site from some sage people who serve up wit, humour and compassion with their opinions. In the company of strangers, I have learned a great deal. And it's sure cheaper than a shrink! Link to post Share on other sites
YssaBoo Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 good luck helena!!! I told my ex's sis the same thing about keeping the f**k out of my life and quit trashing me to friends in school...he is in college and I am graduating HS next month...after 5 months of NO CONTACT.... we are talking again..he has said things to me during the past 7 weeks and I get pissed and tell him I guess I can't be nice to him and its goodbye and he pops up with I'm sorry and all this other stuff....he started being really nice to me and saying he needed to get one more gift for a friend and I proceeded to tell him what I got for a friend not saying it was for a guy(which it was)...and now he is being an A** again... Why do we girls put up with this stuff????!!!! I received my senior pix and sent him 2 via email and no response...its been 5 days and he used to email me once or twice a day...he is in finals right now...but I have noticed that when his mom is home,he doesn't email me...he's not supposed to be talking to me....yes 19 and mommy telling him that....she does it to her 26 year old and 28 year old also... sorry rambling ....if you want to talk...email me ...maybe we could help each other...good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author helena abadi Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 He's got finals, that's his number one priority. If he's not returning your calls or emails or anything else, stop trying to contact him. It's a one way street and you are hurting yourself more by pouring effort into something that is not returned, not going anywhere, and could be really irritating to him as well, which will push him further away. He will respect you more if you stay away and focus on other things, you will respect yourself more as well. Don't divert blame on his mother. It's not your life, it's his and you have no control over it. I repeat: No Contact, and focus on your own life and people who give back to you. If he contacts you again at a later stage, be cool, don't be too eager. I said F**K OFF OUT OF MY LIFE like a mantra for 2 days, and it became a blueprint and a change in direction. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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