an email to the ex, help!

[nomoreofthat]

for those who dont know, my almost 2 year relationship ended a month ago. he said he still loved me but that he felt he couldnt give me anymore. i suspect some commitment issues. but i know he still loves me and cares for me. however it has been a surprisingly clean break. no phone calls, only one hanging out. we do work together however, so who knows if it would have still been no phone calls if we didnt see eachother at work. things were super awkward for a while, but it seems like we're finally getting comfortable with eachother at work. last night was a lot of fun, we laughed and teased a lot. I am still deeply in love with him. ive realized things that i may have done to cause the breakup recently and would love to tell him these things. heres an email ive been working on. i dont know when im going to send it. im going to feel out the situation at work more before i do. any thoughts? is there anything bad that can happen as result of sending it. I figure ive gotten nothing to lose.

 

hello-

well, it has been about a month since our breakup, and there are some things I'd like to tell you. don't worry, this is not like the letter. I still mean what I said in the letter, but it was written at the height of my emotions. my mind is much clearer now. I would like to have said these things to you in person, but I would have no idea how to bring it up to you without freaking you out.

 

after things had settled down a bit, and I had gotten over the initial shock and mourning, I actually started to reflect and think very clearly about what had happened. I just want you to know that I do take some of the blame for the breakup. I can now see things that I did and said that may have made you feel the way you did, that you couldnt give me anymore. I was insatiable. I would act disappointed when you didn't want to hang out. I was constantly asking for your reassurance that you still loved me, still found me attractive, still liked hanging out with me. I knew all of these things in my heart,that you loved me, etc., but I felt like I had to be told all the time. I don't know why. I recall you saying "I feel like im not a good boyfriend". I would disagree but perhaps my actions were saying otherwise. I want you to know that I never thought for a second that you were not a good boyfriend, and that all of my actions stemmed from my own insecurities and had nothing to do with you. my little bouts of jealousy, emotional outbursts, you were not at all responsible for these. I was just that insecure with myself. I can only imagine the stress and pressure my actions may have put on your mind. it was never my intention, but I can understand how you may have felt like that.

 

I cringe when I think back on the "break" because I am embarrassed of the way I handled it. I should have respected your decision and given you the space that you requested. it was not fair of me to cry in front of you and tell you I missed you and ask you if you still loved me. I'm not so sure that if I were you I'd want to be with me at that point. needy, and clingy, and completely dependent, just pathetic. I truly am sorry I acted that way. if I had it all to do again, I would have reacted much differently, much more maturely.

 

I am really glad that we have finally gotten past the initial postbreakup weirdness. I had almost lost all hope that it would ever go away and that we would no longer be able to be friends. but I guess it was pretty unrealistic of me to think we'd instantly be friends right after. it wouldn't have said a lot about our relationship if that had been the case.

 

I am not writing any of this as a ploy to get you back. I just feel it is important to tell you these things. that being said, if I ever had another chance with you, having been outside of the relationship and having been able to reflect, there are so many things I would do differently. I would love to just have a clean slate for us to start over again, with no pressure, no expectations. there are many things in myself that I am working on. I am trying to become more secure with myself, more of an independent person, and trying to have more control over my emotions. it's easy for me to just say "thats just who I am" but nobody is perfect and everyone can use a little improvement.

 

I still consider you the best friend that I've ever had. Our friendship, which I think was the foundation of our relationship, means more to me than anything romantic. I don't have any ill feelings towards you whatsoever. I am so thankful for our friendship and I hope it continues to grow. I hope that we'll eventually even get to point where we can just hang out together.

 

I hope this email doesnt make you feel weird. it shouldn't. I'd really rather you didn't respond to it. these are just things I want you to know. A response is not at all what I'm looking for.

[lost_in_chgo]

Generally, I think guys would either scoff at a letter from their ex or just be disgusted by it.

Give it some more time before sending that.

[Stinkerbelle]

And if it made you feel better, it did quite a lot already.

 

But I wouldn't send it. Wait and put it aside, and see how you feel about sending it in two weeks' time. I think you will probably decide not to.

[nomoreofthat]

why would they scoff at a open, honest letter from someone they loved? I think a lot of people generalize guys on here thinking that they are all completely selfish and lose all emotion and connection with the person who was the center of their life for so long. i know he still cares for me, and i know the breakup was extremely hard on him as well.

 

im definitely giving it more time to send it. i feel like maybe it helped me get together my thoughts. i just feel like it would be more appropriate in person, if we ever get that chance.

[bebop]

I'm a woman, and I would definitely not send that letter. Nor would I care to receive one like it from someone after a breakup. I'd be totally turned off. Letters can be very therapeutic to write, but the majority should be witheld and not sent. The content of this one makes you seem too desperate to please, to be honest, among other things, none of them flattering. Sorry. Don't send it.

 

[alphamale]

Originally posted by bebop

I'm a woman, and I would definitely not send that letter. Nor would I care to receive one like it from someone after a breakup. I'd be totally turned off. Letters can be very therapeutic to write, but the majority should be witheld and not sent. The content of this one makes you seem too desperate to please, to be honest, among other things, none of them flattering. Sorry. Don't send it.

 

 

 

this is the BEST advice i've heard in days!!

[head/heels]

i have ever read...if only he would see it that way...i dont know what to tell you....i would also wait and do NC and see if he starts up contact or conversation about the two of you sometime in the future...guys are so wishy washy and usually loyal...but if you sent this he would see that he can get you back at the snap of his fingers....so hold off and keep it under lock and key and rest assured that you will have a perfect time to send it...(i.e. when you really are completely over him and you need to send it just so you have the knowledge that he knows that you realize why he broke it off) or because the two of you are starting to talk again and he doesnt really know for sure if you have spent this time (on break) thinking of changing...that is why you should date it and keep it and then actually work on these things as time goes by./....who knows maybe your milkshake is better than the ones he meets and he will come back for a taste....just make you better in this time of healing....dont think about how bad you did this or that...just make amends with your insecurities as that will give you the best chance to get him back, get your life where you want and need it to be, and thus give yourself the best chance for happiness in the future with or without him!

 

just realize that he thouht you were gorgeous and that he wasnt just saying it bc he was your bf....my ex told me this after the breakup and i couldnt believe it! i told her she was so damn fine all the time and i meant it...her looks sent me up the wall....i couldnt get enough of her and she didnt believe me as she and her insecurites led her to believe i just was saying that bc i was supposed to as her bf....of 4 years!

 

argggggg! good luck and NC for a while and no letter yet...

 

PM me if you need to talk more

[nomoreofthat]

thanks for your replies. i definitely wont be sending it, not for a while, if ever. its amazing how something can seem like a good idea one minute, and not the next. I have gone through too much to let it all go with one email. except for slips in the first few days after the breakup, i have shown myself to be quite strong. I know boys prey on weakness, even the good ones. I now know how my actions may have led him to breakup with me, to an extent. but overall, i was wonderful and loving to him and I know he adored me and loved spending his time with me above anyone else. I feel fairly confident that if he hasnt yet, he will wake up one day and realize what he let go of. I don't know whether or not he'll act on it, hopefully he will, but i guess i have no control over that.

 

I keep thinking about when we first started dating. I had just gotten out of a short-lived relationship and he began pursuing me. I told him to give me time, and its almost as if he couldnt stand it, like he just wanted to be with me so bad. god i want that control back! its no wonder dumpers always appear so strong. that kind of control is pretty amazing to have.

 

why should i be begging? I am awesome. I have a lot of amazing qualities. and obviously he has been aware of them for him to be so intensely attracted to me for 2 years. I am a great person with so much to give, so much love to give. sure id love for it to be given to him, but he doesnt have to know that. no more ego boosts for him.

[bebop]

Originally posted by nomoreofthat

thanks for your replies. i definitely wont be sending it, not for a while, if ever. its amazing how something can seem like a good idea one minute, and not the next.

 

That's the great thing about writing letters and never sending them. Perspective is gained, there is a LOT of release in the process of the writing, and zero harm is done because it goes out with the trash in pretty short order.

 

[desparate]

I have been sending my ex e-mails trying to get her to take me back. It hasn't worked, all it has done is set myself up for repeated rejections. I have since stopped as I couldn't take it anymore. Now I will type out a long e-mail and instead of sending it I delete it. It gets my feeling out and she doesn't get to reject me.

[bebop]

Exactly. You'll start to feel better fast, believe me.